


Shelter from the Storm

by ShesAKillerQueen98



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Adoption, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Aziraphale & Anathema Device Friendship, Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Good With Kids (Good Omens), Aziraphale's Bookshop (Good Omens), BAMF Aziraphale (Good Omens), BAMF Crowley (Good Omens), Caring Aziraphale (Good Omens), Caring Crowley (Good Omens), Childbirth, Comforting Aziraphale (Good Omens), Comforting Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley & Anathema Device Friendship, Crowley Has an Anxiety Disorder (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley and Aziraphale found family, Crowley has Trauma from the Fall (Good Omens), Crowley is Bad at Being a Demon (Good Omens), Crowley is Good With Kids (Good Omens), Crowley is Patient (Good Omens), Crowley is Whipped (Good Omens), Crowley is a Sweetheart (Good Omens), Cuddling & Snuggling, Discussion of Abortion, Distrust, Dreams and Nightmares, Dubious Consent, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family, Family Fluff, Fear, Fluff, Found Family, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), Godparents Aziraphale and Crowley (Good Omens), Good Friend Anathema Device, Good Parents Aziraphale and Crowley (Good Omens), Homelessness, Hurt/Comfort, Illustrations, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Major Original Character(s), Married Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Morning Sickness, Multi, Non-Consensual Touching, Original Character(s), POV Aziraphale (Good Omens), POV Crowley (Good Omens), POV Multiple, POV Original Character, Panic Attacks, Parental cuddling, Parents Aziraphale and Crowley (Good Omens), Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Platonic Cuddling, Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Aziraphale (Good Omens), Protective Crowley (Good Omens), Religious Fanaticism, Religious Guilt, Retired Aziraphale and Crowley (Good Omens), Self Confidence Issues, Self-Flagellation, Sexual Coercion, Slice of Life, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), Soft Aziraphale (Good Omens), Soft Crowley (Good Omens), South Downs Cottage (Good Omens), Starvation, Starving oneself for religious penance, Taking In Strays, Teen Pregnancy, Vomiting, Worried Aziraphale (Good Omens), Worried Crowley (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:48:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 34
Words: 111,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25539811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShesAKillerQueen98/pseuds/ShesAKillerQueen98
Summary: Three years have passed since the world didn't end and Azirpahale and Crowley are sharing a blissful life together. But life is just full of surprises. One stormy afternoon in winter, Aziraphale finds a homeless teenager asleep in his shop who has a whole laundry list of problems. One such problem leads the pair to take her in and help her get back on her feet, but who can say where life will lead them?
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 458
Kudos: 298
Collections: Good Omens





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note: This story deals with sensitive topics such as teen pregnancy, discussions of abortion and extremely dubious consent as well as abuse. Please read the tags.  
> Thank you to SnakesandTea for their work _A Place to Call Home_ and the Anonymous writer of _A Light Was On_ for inspiring this story. You guys are awesome!

Aziraphale usually enjoyed staying in his shop when it rained. He’d make himself a cup of tea or cocoa, settle himself on the couch with a good book, or cuddle up to a certain serpentine demon.

In the three years that had passed since the almost-apocalypse, the two had stopped looking over their shoulders, waiting for heaven or hell to come back to get them, that they had figured out their rouse and the two of them would be dragged back and executed properly. But as the months continued to tick by with no sign of them, the two began to relax and had simply reveled in their time together.

He had also finally gotten around to confessing his feelings for the demon one evening after a lovely dinner at the Ritz, on the first anniversary of the world not ending, he had mustered up the courage to tell him how he truly felt.

“Crowley my dear, I have, well, feel free to refuse, but I have a bit of an odd request.”

“What?”

“Well, it’s just…something I wanted to ask you for a long time…again, feel free to say no, it’s just that…”

“Spit it out, Angel.”

“Wouldyoukissme?”

“…”

“Oh goodness, I’ve upset you, I’m so terribly sorry, forget I-MMPH!” The demon had then grabbed him by the collar, pushing their lips together and making up for six thousand years of lost time.

When the two pulled away, Crowley had whispered, “I thought you’d never ask.”

Since then, life had been absolute bliss, Crowley had even proposed two months ago and they were planning on having the wedding in about a year and a half. They’d also been looking at the real estate section of the paper for any cottages out in the countryside, a lovely little paradise just for them. Life, in Aziraphale’s opinion, was perfect.

Of course, he still had to keep up the appearance of being human so that meant opening his shop. Even if he and Crowley could just conjure up any money they needed, somehow not having the shop open period made him just a tad uneasy. It was no longer a base of operation for a heavenly agent, but people would still be suspicious of a shop that was never open.

That didn’t mean he would start treating it as if it were a regular store with reasonable hours, oh Heavens no. And he’d be damned if he was ever convinced to part with one of his dear books.

On a rainy day in late January, he was rather miffed to see that it was nearing half past noon and there were still customers in his shop. This just wouldn’t do. Not at all. One particularly stubborn man was browsing some of his first editions and none of his previous efforts to get him to leave had worked. Drastic times called for drastic measures.

Aziraphale began pacing around, looking at the floor and murmuring to himself. The man glanced up at him, questioning his movements.

“My dear fellow,” Aziraphale began, speaking loud enough for the other customers in the shop to hear, “be sure to keep an eye out. My pet snake seems to have gotten out of his terrarium.” The man went pale as he looked at Aziraphale with utter shock on his face. The angel let a gentle and casual smile come over his face. “Nothing to worry about though, he’s surprisingly docile, for an anaconda.” A woman in the corner let out a loud yelp and ran out the door, the stubborn man and any remaining customers dashing out behind her, leaving the shop perfectly still. Aziraphale chuckled to himself.

On days when he didn’t feel like driving out customers by talking to them about uncomfortable topics or staring at them menacingly, he would ask for Crowley’s help and the demon would slither along the floor under customers’ feet until they all ran out, similar to what had just happened. Unfortunately, Crowley was out running errands and wouldn’t be back until after tea time, so Aziraphale was left to his own devices. No matter, he had gotten rid of the customers and the rain outside was starting to worsen, pattering gently against the shop windows. Perfect time for a cup of cocoa and a book.

Just as Aziraphale was about to make his way up to the flat he shared with Crowley, a sound caught his attention. Something that sounded like a soft snore. Another followed shortly, coming from a discreet corner of the shop, out of his vision. Warily, he tiptoed to the corner and peeked around, nearly gasping at what was in front of him. Curled up on an armchair was a girl, perhaps fifteen or sixteen, fast asleep.

Whoever she was, she needed to leave, the shop was closed and her parents were most likely wondering where she was. Besides, wasn’t she supposed to in school? Winter holidays had ended last week. So what was she doing in his shop?

“Erm…excuse me? Young lady?”

The girls eyes flew open and she practically jumped from the chair. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” She apologized quickly.

“Oh…it’s quite alright, but the store is closing, so…” his voice trailed as he got a better look at the girl. She looked exhausted and severely underfed, her sunken in eyes were sitting above large dark circles, blending in with the dirt streaked across her pale, gaunt face. Her ratty sweatpants and t-shirt were hanging loosely from her frame as she hunched in on herself. Her mousey brown hair was in a very messy ponytail and her eyes were darting every which way. He glanced at her feet, where an overstuffed backpack was sitting on the floor.

Well that would certainly explain why she wasn’t in school.

A rumble of thunder sounded from outside. Aziraphale glanced out the window at the darkening sky. He couldn’t throw her out in the middle of a storm, especially when it was so cold and dark.

“Oh, I’m sorry, if you wan’t I’ll leave…” she murmured.

“No, no. Don’t be sorry.” He watched as the girl moved her arms in front of her like she expected some kind of attack, clinging to them at the elbows and holding them over her stomach. Oh dear, what had happened to this poor girl? "My dear, forgive me for asking, but where have you been staying?" The girl looked at the ground bashfully.

"You don't-"

“The alley." The girl said quickly, squeezing her eyes shut.

For a moment Aziraphale wasn't sure if he'd heard correctly. "The alley behind my shop?" She hunched further in on herself, nodding. "You poor thing." The girl looked at him like he'd just told her a joke that she didn't get, utterly confused. "You must be freezing. If you’d like, you can stay here until the storm is over.”

"N-no, I...I should leave. I don't want to scare your customers away."

"Honestly, I'd prefer having my customers scared away. It keeps them from buying my books." The girl chuckled quietly. "You don't have to stay if you don't wish to, but it's warm, and dry, and certainly better than it is out there."

The girl followed his gaze to the window, where the storm was still raging outside, the raindrops blurring the glass and making the world outside nothing but a large gray smudge.

“A-are you sure?” The girl asked. It sounded more like she was trying to convince herself rather than him. Now that he thought about it, she was looking at him like she was questioning his every motive. “I don’t want to impose.”

Aziraphale flippantly waved his hand, not noticing the minuscule flinch that came from the girl as he raised his arm. “You wouldn’t be imposing at all.”

The girl looked at him carefully before murmuring, ”O-okay.”

Aziraphale gave her a reassuring smile and she answered back with a tiny smile of her own, which Aziraphale counted as a victory. “Tell you what, why don’t you come upstairs and you can get cleaned up, then we’ll see about getting some food into you?” The girl looked at him in utter fear, her eyes going wide and her entire body trembling. She glanced at the door behind him like she was deciding whether or not she should run. “You don’t have to," Aziraphale said, silently cursing himself for frightening her further, "I can simply bring something down here if that would make you more comfortable.” He usually wouldn’t bring food into the bookshop, but he could simply miracle it clean later and the girl needed comfort more than he needed to keep his shop clean.

She eyed him warily. “You’re not teasing me, are you?”

“Of course not.” He assured. “I’d never let anyone go hungry.”

"And...and you don't want anything… in return?" She said with a nervous gulp.

Azirphale shook his head, saddened by her frightened expression. "Nothing whatsoever."

“A-are you sure?” She stammered. “I understand if you don’t want a street urchin in your shop. I don’t want to be a bother.”

“You won’t be a bother at all, my dear girl.” Aziraphale said. The girl relaxed slightly as he held out his hand. “My name is Aziraphale.”

The girl straightened up a bit and took his hand, shaking it. “Alice.” She answered back. “Nice to meet you.”

As she lowered her arm, Aziraphale got a better look at her middle, and his eyes widened. Despite the fact that the rest of her body was so thin, her stomach protruded slightly, pushing against the fabric of her t-shirt.

A quick look at her aura confirmed it to be true.

She was pregnant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: _Has two other fics that I'm working on_  
>  Also me: Hmm, you know what sounds great? Another story!  
> So this idea has been bouncing around in my head for a bit now, and I finally mustered up the courage to publish it. I hope you guys liked it. If you did, kudos and comments are very much appreciated, they make me very happy. Thanks again to SnakesAndTea, writer of _A Place to Call Home_ , and the Anonymous writer of _A Light Was On_ for inspiring me. You guys should go check out these works, they're so sweet and soft, but certainly not lacking in the angst department.  
> Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day!


	2. Chapter 2

Alice followed his gaze to her middle and went pale again.

“I…uh…erm…I-I’m sorry…”

Aziraphale gathered himself. “Why on earth would you need to be sorry, my dear?” He asked.

“Well…” she looked down, gesturing to her slightly swollen belly. 

“Sorry for being pregnant?” He asked, utterly puzzled.

“And not being married.” She murmured.

“Well I don’t see it as a problem, nor as something you should apologize for.” Aziraphale assured. It angered him slightly to hear any of the outdated ideas of humanity, especially aimed at one so young. “If anything, it means you need help even more. What kind of monster would I be if I told a woman who had nowhere to go and was expecting that she needed to leave and go back out in the cold?”

Alice looked at Aziraphale, utterly puzzled, looking at him like she was questioning every motive and every word he spoke. 

Aziraphale approached the girl and she gave him a quick look of defense, throwing her hands back in front of her stomach, so he stayed where he was. "I'm not going to hurt you." He assured as gently as he could. The tension in Alice's body eased slightly, but she was still stiff. “My offer still stands, if you’d like.” Alice thought for a moment, weighing her options before nodding. “Splendid.” Aziraphale said as he led her towards the main area of the shop. 

The poor girl was as rigid as a plank of wood, still looking around in every direction like she expected someone to jump out at her any second. He led her to the little sofa in the main area which was planted next to a coffee table and asked her to wait while he went to grab some things. She nodded nervously and he made his way up to the flat.

Aziraphale began to wonder what she would do after the storm was over when she left. He recalled being in a similar situation six thousand years earlier, only Alice didn’t have a husband or any kind of partner or friend to keep her company and he didn’t have another flaming sword to give away. But unlike that situation, she wasn’t forced to leave by God’s command. An idea came to his mind.

The angel ascended the stairs and walked through the little living room and kitchen area. Another idea came to him and he went into his and Crowley’s bedroom to get some clothes for her. The one's she was wearing looked like they did very little to shield her from the cold and he doubted of the clothes she had in her bag would fit her anymore. She looked to be about three months along, so any of the clothes she'd packed before she began showing would be too small now. For a moment he debated letting her borrow one of Crowley’s dresses but quickly dismissed the thought. Crowley’s feminine clothes were likely too small to fit over Alice’s tummy and they were also a little too fancy, Crowley usually only wore them when they were going out somewhere nice. Any other time, he stuck to his usual black pants or skirt and blazer ensemble, no matter what gender he presented as. Besides, he didn’t want to give away his fiancé’s clothes without asking. He pulled out a pair of khaki pants and simple button-up along with a white knitted jumper. She wasn’t nearly as big as he was but he still figured his clothes would fit her better than Crowley’s, and a quick miracle made sure that they were better suited.

He walked back down into the shop and handed her the clothes with a warm smile. “There’s a little washroom just around the corner if you’d like to change into these and wash up a bit, they might be a little more comfortable. When you’re done, come back out to the here, if you wouldn’t mind. I’d like to have a word with you.” Alice went pale again. “Oh no, nothing you need to worry about, I’d just like to discuss what to do moving forward, as well as an idea I’d like your opinion on.” She let out a breath and gave him a curt nod before disappearing into the washroom as Aziraphale went back up to the flat and put the kettle on.

This was certainly an interesting situation. He’d never found himself in the middle of something nearly as complicated as this. What was she running from? Where in the world was her family? He figured he knew the answer, but thinking about it was almost too infuriating. And that question only brought a slew of others; how did she end up in this state? How did she plan on going forward? Did she even want the baby?

Aziraphale pushed those thoughts out of his mind and focused on finding something for her to eat, she looked near ready to collapse.

He’d have that conversation later. Just take this one step at a time.

* * * * *

Crowley grumpily unloaded the groceries from the trunk. His temper had thoroughly run out. A woman at the market had rudely told him to let her in line before him, even though she had way more groceries than he did, threatening to call the manager if he refused. He simply ignored her and went back to scanning his items while she continued to berate him. He had grumbled to himself, cursing her food to turn rotten as soon as she brought it home, though it did little to quell his annoyance. When he went to pick up Aziraphale’s dry cleaning, it took the stupid clerk twenty minutes to find it, because it hadn’t been properly tagged and he was honestly ready to snap every five seconds.

It was around 1:45 when he arrived back at the bookshop. He was surprised for a minute that he had gotten back earlier than he thought…until he remembered that he’d done practically twice the speed limit the entire time. Surprised wasn’t the right word. Perhaps it was pride.

The rain was coming down even harder, and in the twelve seconds it had taken him to get from the Bentley to the shop, he was already soaked from head to foot, dripping on the hardwood floor. He rolled his eyes and readied himself to snap his fingers and banish any drop of water from him and his clothes, but something stopped him. Sitting on the little couch a bit of a ways into the shop was a girl. She looked sixteen but something in her eyes (and the fact that she was wearing some of Aziraphale’s clothes though they were obviously miracled a size down) made her look older than she likely was. Her hair was an absolute rat’s nest and she looked thoroughly exhausted, though as soon as he walked through the door, she looked confused for a before lowering her eyes to the ground, tensing at the sight of him.

The two looked stayed that way for a few minutes, in almost a standoff with each other, with Crowley looking at her and her looking at the ground, waiting for him to go away. The air became heavy with the scent of fear and confusion. He cleared his throat and said, “Erm…hey.” The girl responded with a nervous gulp. “Uh, if you’ll excuse me.” He said, still utterly confused as he made his way up the stairs toward the flat.

Well that was unexpected. It wasn’t unlike Aziraphale to only have one or two customers in his shop at a time, but she didn’t really strike him as a customer. Scratch that, she _definitely_ didn’t strike him as a customer. She most likely was a runaway or something that Aziraphale was hosting until the storm ended. But that didn’t explain why she was wearing his hand-me-downs.

The demon shrugged and walked up into the flat, only to find Aziraphale in the kitchen making sandwiches and two mugs of tea. 

Aziraphale looked up at Crowley and smiled warmly. “You’re back early, darling.” He said, a bit of surprise in his voice. 

“Traffic was surprisingly light.” Crowley muttered as the angel took some of the bags from his arms and kissed him on the cheek. “Angel, who is that down in the shop?” 

“Ah,” Azirpahale said, slightly nervous, “well, we have a guest.”

“I figured that.” Crowley said. “Who is she, and what is she doing here? Also, why is she wearing your clothes?”

“Well, she came into the shop looking for some shelter. She’s been living on the streets for what looks like a few weeks, so I felt it prudent to let her get cleaned up a bit and get her something to eat.” He set the last sandwich on the plate and began walking back down to the shop, stopping as he reached the top of the stairs. He sighed and looked back at Crowley, a question on his lips and a look in his eyes. “Dear, I think we should let her stay here for a little while, at least until she’s back on her feet.”

“What? No! Absolutely not!” Crowley said.

“Crowley, she has nowhere to go.”

“We can’t just go about taking in every wayward soul that comes our way.”

“But dear, she’s-”

“She stays until the storm is over, that’s it.” He started walking back down into the shop with Aziraphale behind him. When he reached the main area, the girl noticed him coming towards her and stood up, putting her arms in front of herself defensively.

“You want me to leave.” She said. It wasn’t a question. There was fear in her eyes. If Crowley wasn’t as intuitive as he was, he would have missed it. She was putting up a front to try and fool them into thinking she wasn’t scared of them, but he could see past the mask. “I will leave. I promise, I’ll be out of your hair in a heartbeat.”

Crowley took a look at her aura and found something off. It wasn’t like a normal human aura. The color was normal, it was displaying that she was exceedingly nervous, cold, and absolutely exhausted. But the shape was off, it was too…full. There was too much around her for a girl her age. What was more, there was a thin tendril of light streaming from her abdomen, which was fairly swollen and she was holding it protectively.

Oh.

_Oh._

Well that changed things.

“I’ll leave if you want.” She promised. “I’ve already overstayed my welcome. Thank you for the change of clothes.”

“My dear, I can’t force you to stay, but you don’t have to leave just yet if you do not wish to.” He set the plate on the coffee table and sat down in one of the nearby armchairs, with Crowley sitting on a little stool. “Besides, I’ve made all these sandwiches and it would be a shame if they went to waste.” The girl sat back down on the couch, looking at them nervously. “Don’t worry, I made absolutely sure there’s nothing harmful in them, perfectly safe for an expectant woman.” Aziraphale assured. She still looked at them like she was expecting them to go back on their word. Crowley took one of the sandwiches and broke it in half, taking a bite for himself and holding the other half out to Alice. Maybe if she saw they were okay, and if she saw him eating something, she might understand it was okay for her. She hesitantly took the other half of the sandwich and looked between the two of them. Aziraphale gave her a nod and she began to eat, doing her best not to betray how ravenously hungry she was, but Crowley could see it all over her. “Crowley, this is Alice.” Aziraphale introduced as he set one of the mugs of tea in front of her. “Alice, this is my fiancé, Crowley.”

Alice paused mid swallow. “You’re homosexual?” She asked quietly.

Crowley narrowed his eyes from behind his glasses. “As a matter of fact we are,” he said flatly. “‘Zat a problem?”

“No.” She squeaked, going pale again. Aziraphale shot Crowley a look, giving him a silent message to tone it down. Crowley released a breath, calming himself a bit. She’d obviously been through something and though he wasn’t very good at being gentle with people who had gone through trauma, he wasn’t an outright asshole.

Something about her situation paired with her disposition made him feel a little sorry for her. She was facing a very adult problem and was still technically a kid. Yet, even though she looked about ready to collapse from hunger and exhaustion or like she expected either of them to attack her at any moment, every so often she would look the two of them in the eyes. She found the strength to be brave, even though on the inside she was terrified. Crowley admired people who were like that, in spite of himself.  
“Alice, I’m going to ask you a few questions. Feel free to not answer them if you’re uncomfortable.” Aziraphale said. Alice nodded, reaching for a second sandwich before hesitating. Crowley pushed the plate further in her direction and she gave him a questioning look. He nodded and her expression morphed timid smile. “Let’s start with something simple. How old are you?"

"Sixteen." Alice answered.

Okay, that was easy enough. "Now, how far along are you?” A brief look of shame passed over her face. 

“Three months and two weeks.” She murmured, rubbing her stomach thoughtfully.

“Do your parents know where you are?”

Alice swallowed, tensing horribly. “No. I…I don’t think they care.” She left it at that, but Crowley could see something else lingering just below the surface.

“They kicked you out, didn’t they?” Crowley asked, interrupting Aziraphale.

Alice went pale again, staring wide eyed at them and waiting for them to do something. Aziraphale took note of this and reached out to pat her hand, causing her to flinch. He gave her an apologetic look as he pulled his hand back.

“My dear girl, there’s nothing you need to be afraid of. If you don’t want to answer the question, you don’t need to.”

Alice shivered a little before shaking her head, sighing heavily. “Okay, we’ll move on.”

“Can you tell me how you ended up in the alley behind my shop?” Aziraphale asked. 

“I was able to get a little bit of money before my parents…before I left and I was able to stay at a motel so I could have some shelter while I looked for a job. But I didn’t take enough and it ran out about two weeks ago. I found your alley shortly after. But again, I’m sorry if you don’t want me back there. I can find another spot.”

“No no, my dear girl. Don’t worry yourself about that.” Aziraphale said warmly.

Crowley felt his heart aching slightly again as Aziraphale continued his questions.

“Do you know who the baby’s father is?”

Alice cringed and wordlessly nodded.

“Do you know where he lives? Perhaps we could call him-”

“No!” She insisted sharply. Her face went pale again at her outburst. “I…I’m sorry I didn’t mean to raise my voice like that. But I don’t want to see him. He was…we didn’t really part on the best of terms.” Crowley recognized the fear in her voice, and it wasn't just the usual bath of nerves that came with complicated breakups. He suddenly found himself feeling quite angry.

“Quite alright, my dear.” Aziraphale said. “Did you have a plan for taking care of yourself?”

“I’ve been trying to find a job, but nobody around is hiring. Well, either that or they’ve all been lying to me because they don’t want a homeless girl working for them.” She looked up at Aziraphale. “Which is why I really appreciate the clothes. When the storm stops maybe I can try applying for a job without looking homeless.” She gave him another smile as she took a sip of her tea.

Aziraphale took a breath, steadying himself, visibly uneasy with what he was about to ask. “Alice, this last question is the most difficult, don’t feel you have to answer right away.” Alice stiffened, preparing herself for what came next. “Do you want to keep the baby?”

“W-what do you mean?” She asked.

“Well, carrying a baby and giving birth at only sixteen is a difficult thing to do. Raising a baby is even more difficult. Nobody would blame you if you wanted to terminate the pregnancy.”

If circumstances were how they’d been three years ago, Crowley would have been surprised. Angels usually were against things like that, all creatures great and small and what have you. But Aziraphale was more on the human end of things, despite his ethereal background. He understood that Aziraphale just wanted to hear what _she_ thought was best for herself. She was already in a delicate position and had to deal with a messy break-up and asshole parents, she didn’t need to add two strangers telling her what to do to her own body to that list.

Alice looked back down at her belly, an uneasy expression on her face. 

“There’s also always adoption if you don’t want to end it but don’t want to raise the baby yourself. I’m sure there are some perfectly lovely families who would be happy to adopt the little one.” Aziraphale suggested gently. Crowley would definitely need to have a talk with him about how fucked up the foster system was. 

“I don’t know.” Alice breathed, utterly defeated. “I’ve always wanted children, but I was hoping I’d be a little older and maybe a little more prepared. I was at least hoping I’d have the help of a spouse or my family, or something.” She rubbed her stomach again, looking thoughtfully at the swell under the white jumper. “I’m happy to be a mum, but I’m also terrified. I have no idea what I’m doing. No idea where to go with my life now.” Her expression turned slightly bitter. “I guess I should see this as a blessing from God or something.” She went even paler than she had during their entire conversation before crossing herself and muttering something under her breath and crossing herself again. When she saw the puzzled expression the two of them were giving her, she flushed slightly. “I’m already in enough trouble with heaven,” she said, patting her stomach, “I don’t need to give God another reason to be angry with me.” She cleared her throat. “So, yeah that’s basically where I am in life.” Crowley could tell she was putting up a front. She was trying to act casual and put together but if she pushed herself too hard, she was going to fall apart.

Aziraphale and Crowley looked at her and then at each other, exchanging a glance of uncertainty. Aziraphale was also giving him the eyes. Oh bless it, not the eyes. Every damn time he looked at him like that it made the demon go weak in the knees. The demon sighed and nodded, eliciting a smile from the angel.

“Alice, it just so happens that I have an opening in my bookshop. Business has been going surprisingly well and I was thinking of hiring someone so I could have an extra set of hands. I think we could help each other. You get a job, and I get some help with my store. And we also have a spare room if you’d like to sleep somewhere warm and dry.”

Alice looked excited for a fraction of a second before her face fell, eyeing the two warily. “What’s the catch?” She asked.

“No catch. Well, just show up on time and do what’s needed of you.”

“Are you sure, though?”

“Positively my dear. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Alice twisted her thumb nervously. “Well, not very many people would want a whore working in their shop or living under their roof.”

Aziraphale nearly spat out his tea. “I’m sorry _what_ did you just say?” Alice tensed, looking at Aziraphale with wide eyes. The angel calmed himself, taking a breath before looking back at Alice. “My dear, that’s not true. That’s simply not true. Such a harsh word to say about yourself. You’re nothing of the sort. I would say you’re a confused young woman who is in a spot of trouble but just needs a little help. So, if there aren’t any objections, do you accept?”

Alice thought for a few minutes, her eyes drifting to the window, watching the rain continue to pitter against the glass. “Why?” She asked. “You don’t even know me. I could be a murderer.”

“ _Are_ you a murderer?” Crowley asked.

“No.” Alice answered.

“Well there ya go.”

“Alice,” Aziraphale stood from his chair and moved so he was sitting next to her, “we want to help you because we’re lucky enough to have a good life and we recognize not everyone has had the…erm…blessings we’ve had.” Crowley almost wanted to snort with either laughter or disgust at the term. “We want to help because you need help, if you’d like it.”

Alice looked down at her interlocked hands, a mess of emotions coming clear to her face. “Y…you really would do that?”

Aziraphale gently put his hand on her shoulder. “Of course we would.” 

Alice went silent, looking at her interlocked hands. Crowley recognized this look, Aziraphale had it over his face many times when he was deep in thought. She was weighing her options. After all, two strangers were offering her a place to stay _and_ a job? Nobody in their right mind would consider it without being a little suspicious. She bit her lip as she looked out the window at the pouring rain, looked back at them, and timidly nodded.

Aziraphale gently smiled. “Splendid. Why don’t I show you around a bit and then you can get situated.” Alice nodded, picking her backpack up from the floor. Crowley wondered if the clothes she packed even still fit her or if they were all too worn out to even be wearable anymore.

The three of them went upstairs with Aziraphale leading the three of them, a tiny bounce in his steps. When they got up to the flat, Alice timidly stepped into the living room area and Crowley gave her a quick once over. Now that she wasn’t in complete survival mode, she was still terrified but the fight or flight instinct had lessened slightly, he was able to see how worn out she was. She was trembling and it looked like it was hard for her just to stay standing. Crowley surreptitiously nudged Aziraphale and glanced towards the girl.

“Alice, dear, perhaps we should postpone the tour until later. Why don’t you take a rest for a little until dinner’s ready?” He suggested. Alice wordlessly nodded as Aziraphale led her down the hall to the guest room. “Just give a shout if you need anything.” He said as she closed the door behind her locking it swiftly. He wasn’t surprised that she didn’t trust them. It would take time, but he was willing to be patient for her. After a few seconds, Aziraphale heard a soft _fwhump_ as she collapsed on the bed and the soft snores come from inside. She was asleep in less than five seconds.

Aziraphale murmured a quick blessing for her to have a lovely pleasant dream to try and take some of the stress off her before going back out to the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!   
> Holy cow over 100 hits already? Awe you guys make me feel so appreciated.   
> I hope you guys continue to stay safe and wear your mask and social distance and such. I'm going to be going back to school in 2 weeks. We're starting the semester early so we can end it early as well, hopefully around Thanksgiving. Anyhoo, I hope things go well for you guys.  
> Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	3. Chapter 3

It wasn’t until Aziraphale was alone with Crowley that he realized the gravity of the situation. Yes now Alice had shelter and a job, but she still needed clothes to fit her as her stomach continued to grow, books on how to take care of herself (it was possible that Aziraphale had some books on pregnancy in his shop, but they were likely from the 1970s…at the very latest), prenatal vitamins and all that was before the baby even came. And if she did choose to keep the baby, that would require baby clothes, nappies, food, toys, it almost made his head spin.

He took a breath to steady himself. One step at a time, he reminded himself. All three of them would take this one step at a time.

He walked back out into the kitchen, where Crowley was washing the plate and teacups.

“Thank you for agreeing, darling.” Aziraphale said. “I know you weren’t on board at first.”

“Well I didn’t say that specifically.” Crowley said.

“What happened to ‘we can’t take in every wayward soul that comes our way’?” He chided. A lopsided smirk came to Crowley’s face.

“What kind of asshole said that?” He joked. Aziraphale kissed his cheek again. “Besides, if it was just her she had to look out for, I’d say give her a blessing and send her on her way. But, well, she’s got a baby to worry about and too many options in front of her. I just thought…well, she’s having a difficult enough time, why not make things a little easier for her?”

Aziraphale smiled, warmth coming to his cheeks. “Oh, Crowley. You really are quite kind.” He teased.

“I resent that.” Crowley said.

An idea came to Aziraphale’s mind. “What would you say to having Anathema and Newton come to dinner? We still have yet to meet their little one.”

Crowley raised his eyebrow, he could tell the angel was planning something, but said nothing about it. “I’ve got no problem with it.”

“Wonderful.” Aziraphale said. “I’ll go ring them up.”

Crowley began putting the groceries away as Aziraphale walked down to the shop and picked up the receiver for the old rotary phone, dialing the number for Jasmine Cottage.

“Hello?” He heard from the other end.

“Anathema, how are you dear?” He greeted warmly.

“Hey Aziraphale.” She sounded tired but content. “Things are pretty hectic. How is everything on your end?”

“We’re doing quite well, thank you for asking.” He paused. “I actually have a favor I need to ask of you. Do you think you and Newton would be able to come to  
dinner later, around six o’clock or so? If you’re not busy.”

“I think so, hang on a second.” There was murmuring from the other end along with the sound of a crying baby. “We’re free later, we’d love to join you two.”

“Splendid.” Aziraphale said. “Now, as for that favor. Do you think you could possibly bring some of those books on pregnancy and perhaps some of the clothes you had while you were still pregnant with Finn?”

“Aziraphale, is one of you pregnant?” Anathema chimed, he could almost hear the grin in her voice.

“No no, dear. Not us.”

“Not you? Well then who is?”

“It’s a rather complicated situation. We have a guest staying with us. A young woman who’s has nowhere to go. So we’ve offered her a place to stay but we’re rather underprepared when it comes for providing clothes and whatnot.”

“Oh.” Anathema said, going quiet. “I see. I take it from the nature of your request that she has one on the way?”

“Yes.”

“Well in that case I’ll be sure to get everything together.” Another cry came from the other end of the phone.

“Anathema,” he heard Newt say, a bit of nerves in his voice, “I think he wants his mum.”

Anathema chuckled. “Duty calls.” She joked. “We’ll see you around six.”

_Click_.

Aziraphale chuckled as he went back upstairs. Parenthood seemed to suit the young witch. He was concerned for young Newt, but that boy would be nervous handling a bag of potatoes. Anathema was most likely helping him through everything. The two made a good team.

Crowley was still in the kitchen looking through a recipe book at the table. Aziraphale chuckled again and kissed the top of his head. “It’s not even two thirty, why are you looking for something to make for dinner already?”

“‘M not looking for anything specific.” He said, flipping to the first page and pointing to a symbol that looked like a little handprint. “This means the recipe is safe for pregnant women to eat, so I’m just going through and marking them, for future reference.”

“Oh Crowley,” Aziraphale cooed.

“Not another word, I’m just doing this so I don’t have to stress about it later. I don’t want to accidentally feed her something that could harm her or the kid.”

Crowley would never admit it our loud, but he really was quite the softie.

Around five, Crowley started on dinner and around five thirty, Dick Turpin pulled up in front of the bookshop and Aziraphale went down to greet Anathema and Newt, who had little Finn in his arms.

“Oh, he’s simply precious.” Aziraphale said with a smile. He always had a soft spot for newborns. There was so much potential in a new life that it gave him so much hope. Even with the brevity of human lifespans, they still found time to do such incredible things and he was reminded of it every time he saw a newborn child.

“Care to hold him?” Newt asked.

“I’d be delighted.” Aziraphale said as Newt gently passed the baby to him. Anathema followed in after him, two boxes in her arms.

“Darling, are you _sure_ you don’t want me to carry something?” Newt asked.

“Positively.” Anathema replied. “I’m not pregnant anymore, I can carry heavy things again.” She _did_ allow Newt to carry the smaller box to get him to stop fussing as they all went upstairs.

Anathema sniffed the air. “Something smells good.” She remarked.

“Crowley’s cooking tonight.” Aziraphale explained.

Newt grinned slightly as he glanced at his wife. “Don’t say a single word.” She deadpanned as Newt held back his laughter.

Aziraphale raised an eyebrow at the two of them as he sat down on the couch, gently bouncing Finn on his knee. “She’s rubbish at cooking.” Newt teased. "Tried to make pancakes and nearly burned the house down." He seemed rather proud to be good at something she wasn’t

“Oh dry up.” She said back, though from the grin on her lips and the blush on her cheeks it was clear there was no hostility. “So where is this guest of yours?”

“Oh she’s back in the guest room. She was absolutely exhausted when she got here, so I felt it best that she take a bit of a lie down.”

"Okay," Newt said, "so she'll just join us when...oh....erm hello."

Aziraphale looked over his shoulder and saw Alice standing at the entrance to the hallway, pale as a sheet of paper.

“I didn't know there were people here. I'm sorry for interrupting. I-I can go back to the guest room...” She murmured.

“Oh you didn’t interrupt at all, my dear.” Aziraphale assured. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, thank you.” She still stood rigidly, glancing between the three. Aziraphale patted the spot next to him on the couch, inviting her to sit down. She gave him a questioning look. "It's alright my dear, you're allowed to sit with us." The girl let out a nervous breath and sat down on the couch next to Aziraphale, looking at her hands folded in her lap. Her disposition was much shyer and more submissive than someone of her age, but Aziraphale did his best to be accommodating and diffuse the tension. “Alice, this is Anathema and her husband Newton.” Finn let out a little gurgle on Aziraphale’s lap, which brought out a chuckle from Aziraphale. “And this is their little man, Finn.”

Alice glanced up at the couple and put on a tiny smile and gave a small, “Hello.”  
Newt gave a small wave. "Nice to meet you Alice," Anathema said warmly. Since the young with was able to look at auras, she most likely could see the fear in Alice's and wanted to be gentle, which Aziraphale was more than grateful for.

The three adults continued chatting with each other. Every so often, Anathema would try and address Alice, asking her a question about herself or something similar. Alice for her part would answer quickly and quietly, before going back to being tensely quiet throughout the whole conversation. Every so often she would glance at Anathema, almost like she was afraid of her, before looking back at her interlocked hands. This had Aziraphale puzzled and more than a little concerned.

“Alice,” he said, trying to bring the girl a little further out of her shell, “is everything alright?” Alice went stiff as a board and her face went pale again.

“I…erm…no, Mr. Aziraphale, there’s nothing wrong.”

She was putting up that front again, he could tell. Aziraphale glanced at Anathema, who shrugged. “My dear, if you have something to say, please feel free to say it. Nobody here is going to judge you.” He mentally kicked himself. Maybe immediately introducing the girl to new people wasn't the smartest idea. She was already terrified of himself and Crowley, immediately adding two new people to the mix would likely make things more difficult. But what's done was done and all he could do now was be supportive and accommodating.

“It’s just l…well, girl’s aren’t really supposed to speak up…” She sounded ashamed again, not necessarily for admitting something so absolutely horrid about her home life, but, for lack of a better phrase, being born a girl. Well that certainly explained why she kept looking at Anathema. For someone who was raised to never speak out of turn and that her gender was meant to be silent, seeing someone speak so freely must have been new and fairly intimidating. But, Aziraphale had promised himself that he would help this girl, he just hadn’t expected the help to go beyond shelter and food.  
Anathema's face took on a shocked and then guilty expression. "Oh. Oh I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. If you didn't want to say anything, you didn't have to. But, you shouldn't think that you're not supposed to say anything, just because you're a girl."

“Precisely." Aziraphale said. "My dear, you were given a mind with ideas for a reason. Don’t feel you have to keep them all to yourself.”

Alice shyly looked up at him before glancing at Newt and Anathema and lowering her eyes to the floor again.

Newt’s watch beeped a few times, thankfully ending the awkward silence. “I’m gonna need to take Finn back, Aziraphale. Gotta feed him.” Aziraphale handed the baby back to his father and Anathema pulled a bottle from the diaper bag slung around her shoulder, sprinkling a few drops on her wrist before handing it to Newt. Despite his nerves, fatherhood seemed to suit the young man well. There was nothing but absolute awe and affection for the little being in his arms.

When Aziraphale glanced over his shoulder, he noticed that Alice was watching the scene in front of her as well, almost with a fascination and a hopeful yet still terrified glimmer in her eyes. Absentmindedly, her hand went to her stomach, running her fingers along the little bump under the thick jumper.

When Finn had had his fill, he began squirming, pushing the bottle away with his tiny hands. Newt gently placed him against his shoulder and began gently patting at his back until a little burp escaped from him. Anathema glanced at Alice.

“Would you like to hold him?” She asked.

Alice began nervously twisting her thumb. “A-are you sure?” Anathema nodded with a little smile. “W-well, if you’re okay with it…” Alice murmured. Newt stood up and gingerly placed Finn in Alice’s arms. At first she was as rigid as ever, looking nervously at the baby, but the longer she sat with him, the more she seemed to calm down, gently shifting him so his head was resting in the crook of her arm. The conversation continued on with Alice glancing up at them every so often. But mostly, she kept her focus on Finn, murmuring softly to him and bouncing him gently up and down. Aziraphale would look back at her, watching as she cooed over the baby. She looked so natural and at ease.

Across her lips, for the first time since she’d stepped foot in his bookshop, was a real genuine smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Thank you for reading and thanks to TakeItEezy for all your help! Kudos and comments are very much appreciated. I hope your lives have been going well. I'm going back to school in a week so things at my house are pretty hectic with packing and stuff I might need for my apartment and whatnot. Anyway, thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Vomiting in this chapter

The rest of the evening went rather well. Crowley made a lovely chicken Alfredo pasta with a side of broccoli that all tasted absolutely divine. Aziraphale noticed that he had given Alice a slightly larger portion than everyone else but said nothing about it. He knew how tetchy the demon could get whenever someone mentioned his softer side, old habits die hard after all.

When everyone was finished eating, they all went back to the living room to continue chatting and have some after dinner drinks excluding Anathema (who was still nursing) and Alice, who both stuck with tea. Every so often, Aziraphale noticed Alice would perk up and try to muster up the courage to say something, but would decide against it. She was at least trying and that was enough for him.

Around 9:00, Anathema, Newt, and a sleeping Finn bid Aziraphale, Crowley, and Alice a good evening. Anathema, to practically everyone’s surprise, hugged Alice, after asking if she was okay with it. The witch wasn’t usually so open to give affection to someone she didn’t know well.

“I hope that what I gave you was enough, but in case you need anything or need another woman who went through this to talk to, I included our contact information in the second box.”

“Th-thank you.” Alice stammered.

Anathema offered her a smile before looking to Aziraphale and Crowley. “Let me know if any of you guys need anything else.” Aziraphale gave the witch a nod.

"Safe travels!" He called as Anathema and her family got back inside the car and began the drive back to Tadfield.

Back upstairs, Crowley and Aziraphale helped carry the boxes into the guest room. The larger box contained maternity clothes and a large, curved pillow which would apparently help Alice sleep without discomfort. The smaller contained books on pregnancy, nutrition and exercise, a journal, a list of vitamins Anathema took when she was pregnant, and a list of resources for pregnant teens and homeless teens as well as Anathema’s phone number and email. By the time they were finished unpacking, Alice looked exhausted and overwhelmed again, so they all figured it was best for everyone to call it an early night.

The two wished Alice goodnight before going off to their own room. As Aziraphale changed from his beige suit and blue dress shirt into his tartan pajamas, he heard something just in the back of his mind. Alice’s voice. This happened whenever someone nearby said some kind of prayer, but instead of the usual intercessions, asking for blessings for her and her family and friends, or the other usual things Aziraphale would hear, there was something significantly different about what she was saying.

_Lord and all thy angels, I beg thy forgiveness for my sins and failures. I know I’m not worthy of thy love, forgiveness, or mercy, but I beg of thee to look on my sins and my request for forgiveness and act of repentance with favor-_

Aziraphale decided he’d heard enough and did his best to block out her voice. This seemed like a very personal prayer he was listening in on and he wanted to give Alice her privacy. Some things were best left between the person and the Almighty without any angelic interference. Besides, something was weighing on Aziraphale’s mind.

“Darling, did you notice how often Alice would go pale or tense up?”

“Yeah. I was wondering about that.” Crowley answered as he tugged a black tank top over his head.

“I’m starting to form a good idea about what sort of upbringing she had. I’m wondering if she was afraid we'd get angry. After all, you saw how utterly terrified she was whenever either of us spoke to her or tried to ask her a question. She seemed to feel that she was doing something wrong even when she was doing perfectly normal things, or for things she had no control over. For instance, when I first found her in the bookshop, she apologized for falling asleep.” Crowley looked at him, utter confusion in his eyes as the two of them crawled into bed. “Then she apologized for being homeless and then a third time for being pregnant. What’s more, my showing kindness to her seemed an almost alien concept.”

Crowley propped himself up onto his elbow and looked at his fiancée, a thoughtfulness in his golden eyes.

“So what do you suggest we do about it?”

“I’m not sure. She is sixteen after all, almost an adult, but there is still that reluctance and fear. We should try and encourage her to not be afraid to speak her mind and that she won’t be in trouble. It honestly makes me more than a little angry to think about what her parents may have possibly done to her if she didn’t behave.”

“Just remember Angel,” Crowley said, there was a gentleness in his voice that was so rarely present, “some things don’t go away just like that. They take time.”

“I know, my dear.” Aziraphale said. “But patience is a virtue.”

Crowley chuckled. “You angels and your damn virtues.” He was quiet for a moment before speaking up again. “Do you think we should tell her? About…y’know. What we are?”

“Depends on how long she’s going to stay with us and if the need arises. I’ve been telling myself that we’ll need to take this one step at a time.”

“Right,” Crowley said thoughtfully, the events of the day still weighing on him.

“Most of all, we need to consider what she wants, what _she_ thinks is best for herself. Even if she doesn't feel confident making that decision, we support her until she is.”

Crowley chuckled before kissing the angel on the cheek. “ ‘It’s going to be cold out there and she’s expecting already. And I said here you go flaming sword no need to thank me’. ” He quoted.

Aziraphale could feel his cheeks going pink. “Part of me thinks you enjoy bringing that up.”

“Well, it just goes to show that you really haven’t changed in six thousand years. Still wonderfully soft-hearted.”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes before snuggling close against the demon’s warm chest and eventually drifting to sleep.

* * * * * 

Crowley and Aziraphale were both up at seven the next morning, but they decided against waking Alice until later. She was already sleep deprived enough and she’d had an emotionally taxing day the day before. Besides, she didn’t have to go very far for work, just a quick trip down some stairs. And her employer was also currently her caretaker so it wasn’t as if she was going to be told off.

Around seven thirty, the sound of the guest room door being flung open and someone running down the hall shook the flat. Soon after it was followed by someone dashing into the washroom and vomiting. 

Aziraphale glanced at Crowley. “Why don’t you finish breakfast, I’ll see to her.” Crowley nodded and the angel made his way to the washroom, where he found Alice hunched over the toilet. 

When Alice realized she wasn’t alone, she let out a brief gasp. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so loud…”

Aziraphale knelt on the floor next to her. “My dear girl, there’s no need to be sorry. I’m just concerned.”

“Morning sickness,” she muttered through a gag. “’S normal.” She paused and added a muffled, “…kinda.”

“I know that, but just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s pleasant. I wouldn’t want you to be alone while you’re feeling unwell, unless you want to be left alone.”  
Alice lowered her eyes. “Y-you don’t have to if you don’t want-”  
Another wave of vomiting interrupted her. “We’re not talking about what I want.” Aziraphale said gently as it ended. “If you want me to leave, I will. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”  
Alice raised her face a little, looking at Aziraphale as if she were looking for some kind of hidden motive, like he was trying to trick her or test her. But eventually, she bit her lip, closing her eyes and saying, "No thank you. I...No."

"Alright then, I'll leave you alone." Aziraphale said as he reached for the door handle.

"Wait." Alice said suddenly. Aziraphale looked back toward the girl, who was looking him dead in the face.

She was silent for a moment before she nodded weakly. “I don’t like being alone when I get sick.” She murmured, looking down shamefully.

“Then I won’t leave.” Aziraphale answered back, sitting against the cabinet, ready to act if she needed anything.

"I'm sorry I didn't say that right away. I-I shouldn't have lied. I just didn't want to bother you and-" She gulped and vomited again. Aziraphale thought of that one time last year when Crowley had caught a very nasty stomach bug. Luckily it hadn't hurt his essence but his corporation became very ill. Whenever he vomited, he would always ask Aziraphale to rub his back. He considered doing the same for Alice, but decided against it, not wanting to startle her. 

She raised her head again, brushing a few strands of hair from her eyes. "I...I'm sorry."

"Think nothing of it, my dear girl." Aziraphale said. "I'm not angry. You're allowed to change your mind."

"Well, I technically lied didn't I?"

Aziraphale shrugged. "Perhaps. But did you say you didn't want company because you meant me ill intent?" Alice shook her head. "Exactly. You've done nothing wrong."

" 'Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor'." Alice murmured, almost as if in a trance.

"Alice," Aziraphale said gently, breaking the girl from her thoughts. "I won't pretend to know what's going on in your mind to make you change it, and I won't pretend that everything's fine. I know there's a lot weighing down on you, nor will I pretend that you trust me already." Alice tensed. "But," he held out his hand. At first Alice flinched and a sadness gripped Aziraphale's heart. But soon enough, she looked from Aziraphale's hand to his face, and slipped her hand into his, "Crowley and I will do our best to earn your trust, and to make you feel at home." He gave her hand a little squeeze and she gave him a small smile before another wave of vomiting overtook her.

“This doesn’t make sense.” Alice gasped. “I’m fourteen weeks along. The woman who worked at the motel told me it usually stopped around twelve. Why am I still having morning sickness?”

“Well, from what I understand, it's different for every woman. But, out of curiosity when was the last time you had a proper meal before yesterday?” Aziraphale asked.

Alice pondered for a concerning length of time before answering shyly. “When you say ‘proper meal’, do you mean when was the last time I ate something period, or the last time I ate a decent portion?” 

Aziraphale felt either answer would upset him, but he needed answers if he was going to help her. “Either one.”

“Last time I ate, period? About three days ago.” Aziraphale’s heart nearly broke his ribs as it pounded from the shock. Three days?! She hadn’t had _anything_ to eat in three days? “Last time I had a decent portion, maybe two weeks ago. The Chinese restaurant down the road was throwing out some of their expired food, and there was plenty to go around.” That almost pained him even more. Even when she did have a proper meal, it was only leftovers that had gone bad. It almost made Aziraphale want to cry. He knew full well how poorly the homeless were treated and the lengths they had to go to simply to get by and meet their basic needs. But Alice was only sixteen and she had a child growing inside her to worry about as well, that made it seem so much worse. 

“I suspect your body isn’t used to getting proper nutrition, so it’s gone into panic mode.”

Alice gagged and vomited again, a dull groan following.

“Are you alright?”

“Baby is _not_ happy.” She muttered. 

After a few more minutes of vomiting, it had mostly passed, though Alice was still feeling rather woozy. Aziraphale stood up. "I have an idea that might make you feel better." He went back out to the kitchen, where Crowley was still hard at work on breakfast.

"Everything alright?" He asked.

"She's fine, just a feeling a bit nauseous." He said as he took a mug from one of the cabinets and a ginger teabag from the little wooden box on the table. "Luckily, that's easily remedied." The water in the kettle, with a thought, was already boiling and Aziraphale poured some of the water into the cup. After letting it steep for a minute, he threw out the bag and stirred in a teaspoon of honey as he carried it back to the bathroom. A quick miracle made sure that it wouldn't be too hot. "This should help." He said as he handed the glass to Alice. She looked from the cup back to angel, who was sitting back down on the floor, took a breath and took a sip of tea. 

She let the breath out and took another sip. "Thank you." She said.

"That should help. Looks like the color's already returning to your cheeks." Aziraphale said with a little smile.

Alice took another breath, trying to steady herself. She finished the tea soon enough, but still looked less than the picture of health. 

“Maybe it would be a good idea to hold off on starting work today. If you’re not feeling well.”

She looked at him with that same questioning gaze. “No, I’m okay. I'm not the only pregnant woman who's had to go to work before. Besides I need the money and I want to make sure I’m out of your hair as soon as possible.” 

Aziraphale tried to assure her that she wasn’t a burden and that they were happy to help her for as long as she needed, but she was already on her feet and cleaning her teeth before he could say anything. He decided to just leave her be to get ready for the day, walking back to the kitchen and muttering a quick blessing under his breath that her stomach would settle before she started working.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I hope you liked that chapter! I did not expect this story to take off so quickly. You guys make me so happy. Your kudos and comments always make my day.  
> Thank you to TakeItEezy for all your help. Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mentions of starving oneself, being starved by parents, and derogatory language (no slurs or anything too insensitive, just very rude and somewhat offensive language)

Alice joined them in the kitchen a little later, wearing a lovely blue shirt with white polka dots and a navy skirt that reached her shins, one of the outfits that Anathema had given her, with her long, light brown hair pulled back into a little bun. She looked relatively better than she had been fifteen minutes ago, so Aziraphale counted that as a blessing…no pun intended.

“Morning.” Crowley greeted as he flipped the last of the pancakes.

“Good morning.” Alice answered back shyly, looking at the food on the table. Aziraphale recognized the look on her face, like when someone wanted to ask for something but were either too embarrassed or too afraid to do so. Good lord, had her parents actually starved her?

Aziraphale pushed his anger to the back corner of his mind and smiled warmly at Alice. “Sit down and help yourself, my dear.” He invited.

Alice gave him a timid smile. “Thank you.” She sat down and began serving herself a small bit of fruit and a single slice of toast as well as pouring herself a cup of hot water and picking a teabag out of the little box. Aziraphale frowned at the amount of food on her plate.

“D-did I take too much? I’m sorry I-”

“No no dear girl, the opposite actually. That’s not very much.”

“W-well, I am just a guest in your house. It wouldn’t be right to take too much. G-gluttony is a sin after all.”

Aziraphale had to force himself to keep from cringing at the phrase that was used all too often by Gabriel. “That may be, but you’re also far under being a healthy weight. And you are eating for two after all.”

Alice looked down at the little bump under her shirt and bit her lip. “I…I also didn’t want to risk eating too much…in case I started getting sick again. I wouldn’t want to vomit at work, that’s just unprofessional, and inconsiderate of your time and the customers'.”

Crowley glanced over his shoulder, an eyebrow raised. “Getting sick is inconsiderate?” He said, utterly confused. Alice nodded.

“I could ruin someone’s day by…well y’know.“

“Alice love.” Aziraphale said gently. “While I do agree eating less at first is a good idea, to keep you from getting sick, it’s only a precaution until your body can handle more. And you shouldn’t do it because you’re worried about inconveniencing customers. Your health is more important than someone’s day being ruined.”

Alice looked down at her hands, twisting her thumb. She looked back up at the two men before shyly adding a second piece of toast to her plate, looking between them as if asking for their permission or seeing if they were trying to trick her. When nothing happened, she timidly took a bite. Aziraphale smiled and began eating his own breakfast as Crowley finished plating the pancakes, setting them on the table. Usually the demon didn’t eat, but since they had a guest with them who believed they were human, he had to keep up appearances, so he served himself a bit of breakfast as well.

Halfway through her first piece of toast, Alice’s eyes widened and she went pale, setting the piece back on her plate and crossing herself, muttering under her breath. Aziraphale could hear the blessing and plea for forgiveness in the back of his mind as Crowley did his best not to grimace at the blessing. Despite his effort, a small hiss escaped from him. Alice eyed him nervously before a sheepish look came to her face.

“Sorry.” She murmured. “Forgot to say grace.”

Crowley shrugged. “’S alright, just wasn’t expecting it.” He said, poking at his food with his fork. Since Alice had blessed the food, he wasn’t able to eat any of it without getting sick himself, not that he was gonna tell her that. She didn't need any more reason to feel nervous or guilty. The girl flushed but said nothing and continued to nibble at her food. Both Crowley and Aziraphale thought that even with the second piece of toast, it wasn't very much, but they didn't want to pressure her into anything.

When the three were finished with breakfast, it was nearing 8:00, Crowley told Alice and Aziraphale that he’d clean up so the two of them would be able to open the shop and start working.

This was the moment Aziraphale had been dreading. He knew he’d have to explain his system of pricing, organizing, and selling his books to Alice, so she’d be able to do her job efficiently. The only problem was he didn’t have a system. He didn’t even have a basic idea. How was he supposed to explain to her that he, a bookseller, despised selling his books? And what was she supposed to do if a customer tried to buy one? Tell them off? He honestly didn’t think Alice was capable of saying anything rude to anyone, both due to her shyness and polite disposition. 

The angel sighed heavily as he walked down the stairs and into his office, leaving Alice at the front desk. There were some books he was less morose about parting with, so perhaps he could put up a few miracles influencing the customers towards those, just some cheap romance novels, newer lesser known authors that hadn’t piqued his interest, and whatever the hell that Forty Shades of Blue nonsense was. 

Aziraphale discreetly snapped his fingers, pulling a few miracles down and making it so those twenty or so books would be what any customers would be drawn to, if they were drawn to anything. They needed at least a few customers so Alice wouldn’t think the money he paid her came out of nowhere (even though it did). 

He shook his head and focussed his attention back to what he was doing. When he found what he was looking for (or more accurately used a miracle to make what he was looking for appear), he walked back out to the counter, where Alice was sitting on a stool looking around at all the books with an awed expression. Now that she wasn’t absolutely exhausted and thoroughly terrified, she was able to take in her surroundings much better and there was a look in her eyes that he very often found reflected in his own emotions. So she was a bookworm as well? Good to know.

Aziraphale set one of the objects on the counter, a glass jar. He wasn’t sure if employees in bookstores were supposed to ask for tips, but that didn’t stop him from trying. The second object he handed to Alice, a cream colored apron, which conveniently was just her size and would fit comfortably over her belly.

“How good are you with maths and making change and whatnot?” He asked.

Alice brightened up a little. “Maths was one of my favorite classes at school.” 

“Wonderful.” He said, clasping his hands together. “I have a few new books that I found at a recent estate sale. I want to take a look at them and see if they’re legitimate first editions. Can I trust you to look after things?” Alice nodded as she tied her apron. Aziraphale gave her a warm smile before disappearing back to his office.

Things were quiet for a few hours, with the exception of a few muttered conversations and the ding of the little bell over the door or the cashbox. Aziraphale tried not to grimace or go out to to the customer that bought whatever book and smite them into next week and did his best to let it go and focus on his books. Around 11:00, Alice poked her head into his office.

“M-mr. Aziraphale?” She stammered. 

Aziraphale took off his glasses and looked at Alice, who was holding a battered looking book to her chest. “Yes, my dear girl?”

“There’s a customer out here who wants to buy this book. B-but there’s no price listed.” Aziraphale stood and looked at the book in her hand. It was a first edition, an original copy of one of Sir Conan Doyle’s lesser known books, a rare find he was rather proud of, he couldn’t sell this. He gently took the book from her hands and flipped through it, humming.

“I’m afraid this one isn’t for sale. Perhaps you could point her towards some of the more recent prints, they should be available.” He gave the girl a smile. Alice gave him a nervous smile back as she went back to the main area of the store and Aziraphale sat back down at his desk. Not long after, he felt something change in the atmosphere of the bookstore. It was irritated and aggressive. Amidst it all, Alice’s voice sounded in the back of his mind, sounding frightened and desperate.

_Lord and all Thy angels, give me strength and courage…also, HELP._

Aziraphale rose from his desk and briskly walked back out to the main area of the shop, where a woman, perhaps in her late forties was shouting at Alice, who was timidly staring back at her.

“I-I’m sorry, Ma’am. It’s not for sale. I don’t know-”

“This is a bookstore, you’re supposed to sell the books you have on display, of course that might be hard for you to understand.” The woman had short brown hair, graying in some places and she was wearing an expensive looking sweater. Oh dear, Aziraphale had heard of people like this.

“I’m j-just telling you what he told me…I-I’m sorry but I could direct you to some of the other-”

“You listen here, you dumb shit!” The woman barked. “The customer is always right, who even hired you?”

“I…I erm…”

“Where is the owner?”

Aziraphale stepped further into the main section of the shop. “I’m right here.” He said sternly. “And I’d like to know what makes you think you are allowed to harass my employee.”

The woman huffed. “She is refusing to sell me this book. Her customer service skills are absolutely appalling and she is incredibly rude. If you ask me, somebody should teach that stupid girl a lesson.”

Behind the counter, Alice went pale, a look of terror coming over her face. Her eyes went from the woman back to Aziraphale, a hand going to her chest and her breathing picking up rapidly. Aziraphale breezed past the woman and stood by Alice. “Why don’t you head up to the flat and take your lunch break early, I’ll handle this.”

“I…I shouldn’t abandon my job…” She murmured, her breathing still quick and frantic.

“You’re not abandoning your job, I’m letting you off early.” Alice began twisting her thumb again. “It’s alright, my girl. Go and have some tea and calm yourself.”

"N-no I...I shouldn't..."

"Please, if not for yourself, then for the baby."

Alice nodded and took a breath, stepping out from behind the counter. The woman heard the comment about the baby and looked at Alice’s stomach before turning up her nose and muttering to herself.

“Here I thought this was a _respectable_ business.”

Aziraphale whipped back around, glaring at the woman. “And what, may I ask, do you mean by _that_?”

“I thought businesses like this didn’t go around hiring teenage sluts.” 

Alice looked at the floor, her breathing still frantic. Aziraphale looked from Alice to the woman and narrowed his eyes. “I would ask you not to use such language regarding my employee.” He said, his voice intense.

The woman crossed her arms. “Why? She’s only sixteen, what business does she have being pregnant? She's not even married, the little whore.”

Aziraphale could feel a heavenly rage boiling up inside him that he'd only felt a few times before. One look at Alice and how terrified and ashamed she felt was all it took to spark a protective anger inside of him. As steadily and as gently as he could, he walked over to Alice, setting a protective hand on her shoulder.

“Get. Out.” Aziraphale snapped.

“I’m a paying customer. You can’t tell me-“

“I said get out. Your ideas belong in hell, and so do you.” His voice hadn’t raised in volume, but it had suddenly grown sharp, angry, and cold. He looked the woman straight in the eyes, showing her all the fury and wrath Heaven had to offer, giving her a silent promise that if she didn’t endeavor to be kinder to people, she would find something similar waiting for her in the future. “Never step foot into this shop again.” The woman did her best to hide how nervous she was, but as she scoffed and turned towards the door, Aziraphale noticed a little quiver in her movements.

The other three or so customers in the shop were all staring at them. Alice began wringing her hands nervously and a quiver broke through her. 

“The shop will be closing now.” Aziraphale said sternly. “Out. Go on, we’ll be open again tomorrow, good day, do come again.”

One of the customers came up to the counter and dropped a twenty pound note in the tip jar. “I work at a coffee shop. Anyone who has to deal with customers like that deserves a medal.” She looked back towards Alice. “Congratulations.” Alice’s eyes were blank and she was clearly far from the shop in her own mind. The woman didn’t notice and left as well, leaving them alone in the shop. 

Aziraphale turned back towards Alice, noticing how the girl’s breathing had grown even heavier.

“Alice?”

She was trembling horribly. There was sweat dripping down her forehead and tears in her eyes. Though it was quiet, he could hear her mumbling to herself. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Yes I wrote a Karen into my story.  
> Classes have started up again and I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty tired. I've been fighting writer's block a lot this weekend and can't seem to stay awake all through the day. But the kind things you guys say about my stories really make my day. I'm so glad people are liking what I've written. And what?? 400 hits already?! You guys make me feel so loved.  
> Thanks to TakeItEezy for all your help. Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic attack and references to past abuse

“Alice? Alice dear what’s wrong?”

“No. No please no, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

“Won’t do what again? Alice what is it?”

“P-please, Dad, I swear I won’t…” Her entire body was trembling and her eyes were glassy. She wasn’t necessarily looking at Aziraphale, it was almost like she was looking through him. She lowered to the ground, kneeling with her arms wrapped around herself, muttering strings of apologies. “I-I won’t do it again. I'll repent. I'll do it properly this time. I p-promise.”

Aziraphale knelt in front of her, doing his best to make her aware of him while also giving her her space. “Alice,” he said firmly, but not so firm to frighten her further. “Your father isn’t here. You’re with me. You’re in the bookshop. Nobody is going to hurt you.” 

Alice continued to murmur under her breath, doing her best to appear as small and submissive as possible.

“Alice. Look at me.” Alice’s eyes were still to the ground, her trembling worsened and her breath became even shorter. As gently as he could, Aziraphale set his hand under Alice’s chin, lifting her head so she was looking at him. Still keeping his eyes locked with hers, he took her hand and guided it to the sleeve of his jacket, letting her run her fingers along the soft fabric. “You are somewhere safe.” He assured. “What you’re seeing is frightening, but it can’t hurt you.”

Alice blinked a few times. “M…M-Mr. Aziraph-phale?” She stammered.

“Yes that’s right.” Aziraphale said softly as her shivering worsened, a few whimpers escaping from her as she leaned into Aziraphale, clinging to him. “Ssh, sh sh. It's alright, my girl. I’m here. I’m right here.” He gently set one hand on her shoulder and the other on her arm, doing his best to comfort her.

“Take some deep breaths, my girl. Can you do that for me?” Alice took a shaky breath in through her nose before it burst out quickly and she began to hyperventilate again. “It’s alright. It’s alright. We’ll try again.” He put his hand on top of hers. “Come on, my dear. In.” He took a breath in for seven seconds and she followed his example. “Now hold it.” She pressed her lips together, her body was still shaking but she held her breath. “And out.” He exhaled slowly and she did the same. “Wonderful, now again.” She repeated the process, slowly breathing in, holding it, and letting it out. “Yes, very good. One more.” She did the same for a third time, her quivering began to lessen as she let the breath out and her eyes cleared, though they were still tired and frightened. She looked up at Aziraphale again. “There we are. You’re alright.”

“M-Mr. Aziraphale?” She murmured, her voice small and raspy. The tears that had been pooling in her eyes finally started to trickle down her cheeks. “W-what ha-happened?”

Aziraphale pursed his lips. “I’m not quite sure. Do you think you can tell me what you were seeing?” Alice tensed and shook her head. “Okay, you don’t have to.”

"Y-you're not going to make me leave, are you?" She asked.

"No." He said, rubbing a gentle circle into her shoulder. "Of course not. I'd never force you to leave."

Alice took a few breaths, cleared her throat, and stood up, her legs shaking. "I...I'm sorry you had to see that. I'll get back to work now."

“My dear, don’t push yourself too hard, you just had a panic attack.” Aziraphale said, pulling the stool from behind the counter and letting her sit down.

“I’m fine.” She said.

“Alice, you are not fine.” The firmness in his voice caused her trembling to start again and he cursed himself for it. Now was not the time to lose control. He pulled up a stool of his own and sat across from Alice. “You’re not fine.” He repeated, softly this time.

“I’m sorry, just give me a few minutes. I’ll…I’ll be fine in a few minutes. Then I'll be able to get back to work.” She took a few breaths, not looking Aziraphale in the eyes.

“Alice,” Aziraphale said gently, “it’s okay to not be okay.”

“I…I said I’m fine. Please.” She said, almost like she was trying to convince both of them. There was a desperation in her eyes that she was doing a fairly good job to hide. But he could see small crack in the facade, how terrified she was and much she didn’t want him to see it. Not because she was ashamed of her fear. There was something else hidden underneath it…

“Alright. If you say you’re fine, then you’re fine. I believe you.” Her expression softened slightly, almost in disbelief that he was leaving her be and that he was even concerned in the first place. "Why don't we head upstairs?" She let out a breath and nodded, getting down from the stool and steadily following Aziraphale back up the winding staircase, the panic attack almost forgotten. Almost.

“Is it alright if I go back to the guest room for a few minutes? I’ll be back out soon.” She asked, putting up that front again. He got the feeling that the second she closed the door, it would all come to pieces. But she was clearly embarrassed, so he let her be rather than call her out on it. She deserved her privacy.

“Alright. We should have lunch ready when you come back out.” Aziraphale said gently.

“Oh, I can stay and help with lunch if you want.” She said, her voice changed, becoming somewhat chipper and very fake.

“Don’t feel you have too. If you want to take a few moments to yourself, then you should.”

"I...I don't want to be a burden. I can help, really."

"You don't have to. You should rest if you need it." He offered her a reassuring smile.

"A-are you sure?"

He gently patted her shoulder. "Positively."

She gave him a questioning glance before walking back to the guest room, a heavy breath escaping from her as she made it into the hallway and Aziraphale walked into the kitchen, sitting down at the table.

“What happened down there, Angel?” Crowley asked, looking up from his mobile.

“One of the customers was extremely rude to Alice.” Aziraphale explained. “She said something that… well, it caused her to have a panic attack.” He didn’t feel completely right about disclosing this information, especially since Alice was so embarrassed about it, but Crowley should know in case something else triggered Alice when he wasn’t around. “I was able to calm her down by reminding her to breathe and letting her touch my jacket, I think the texture might have grounded her. But after, she completely closed off. She insisted she was fine but it was quite clear that she was lying.”

“She was probably embarrassed.” Crowley guessed.

“But she had no reason to be.” Aziraphale insisted. “It may not have been pleasant but that didn’t mean it isn’t anything normal or anything I hadn’t seen.”

“Yeah, but she might not know that, Angel. Not very many people are very vocal about mental health. Just because it’s normal doesn’t mean everyone sees it that way.”

“There was something else.” Aziraphale said, folding his hands. “When she was still in the thick of it, she mentioned her Father. She was apologizing for something she had done and begging to be spared some kind of punishment and promising that she'd repent. She was utterly terrified and the whole time I wondered what in the world her parents had done to her.” A shiver ran through Aziraphale. Crowley used a quick miracle to summon a mug of tea for his angel, rules be damned. Aziraphale gave him a weak but still grateful smile as he stirred in a spoonful of sugar. “Well, my suspicions about her not having a happy home life are essentially confirmed but I don’t think I could have predicted anything like this.”

“Are we still going through with our original plan, Angel?”

“Plan?” Alice’s voice sounded from just outside the hall. Oh dear. “W-what plan?” Aziraphale looked at Crowley, both of them struggling to come up with something to get them out of this.

Finally, Aziraphale sighed. “Sit down my dear.”

"Why?" Alice asked, holding her arms protectively over her stomach. "What are you doing to do?"

"Nothing at all, my dear. We'd just like to talk." Alice nervously obliged, sitting down and glancing between the two. “I consider myself to be quite good at reading people and from the moment we met yesterday, I was suspicious about how you had been treated.”

“What do you mean? Nothing’s wrong.” She quickly lied, biting her lip.

“None of it is your fault, you don’t need to feel bad about any of this.” He assured. “But last night Crowley and I discussed how we felt it would be best to try and help you get back on your feet, both financially and mentally. We thought it was just limited to being able to freely speak your mind without fear of being judged, but after what happened earlier, I believe it’s safe to assume that it goes a little deeper than that.” Alice tensed again.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Alice said quickly, the walls were going up again. "Nothing's wrong. You don't have to get involved."

“Kid, listen.” Crowley said. “This may not do anything, but you really don’t have anything to be embarrassed about. You probably don’t believe us now, and you probably are still embarrassed about it, but we’re not judging you. We don’t think any less of you.” Alice bit her lip. “You’re also not alone.”

That caught Alice’s attention and she looked up, locking eyes with Crowley (as best as she could since he was wearing his sunglasses). “What do you mean?”

Crowley sighed. “About three years ago, there was a fire. I thought that Aziraphale was still inside and I thought that he’d died. It hit me really hard since the last thing I said to him was something nasty.” Aziraphale laid his hand over his fiancé’s, gently running his fingers over the bony knuckles in a soft reassurance of his forgiveness and affection. “After I saw the building burn down, I drove to a little pub, because I needed a distraction.” Alice slightly bristled. Her sheltered childhood most likely painted alcohol as a pathway directly to hell and to stay away from anyone who drank. “Before I went inside, though, I…” he took a breath and Aziraphale squeezed his hand. He knew the demon didn’t exactly like talking about what made him vulnerable.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to talk about it.” Alice offered quietly.

“Nah, ’s alright. Besides, I think you need to hear this. Anyway, I sat in the parking lot and cried. Well, sobbed is a more appropriate term. I had been having a _really_ bad week and that just brought everything to a head. So I had a panic attack right there, siting in my car.”

Alice looked up from her folded hands, giving Crowley a quizzical look _,_ almost like she was surprised. But there was also something else underneath the surprise. Thoughtfulness. There was a look in her eyes that was compassionate and also a little disbelieving. But underneath that, there was a quiet appreciation that Crowley had told her.

"I...I'm sorry you had to go through that." Alice murmured.

"'S alright, kid. Besides, it wasn't the first time, and I doubt it'll be the last."

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s something quite common.” Aziraphale emphasized. "I suffer from bouts of panic too from time to time."

"You...you do?" Alice asked, doubt in her voice. Aziraphale nodded, memories of his own mental abuse at the hands of his former employers bringing a bitter taste to his mouth but he still did his best to keep his face neutral, for Alive's sake.

Alice bit her lip, twisting her thumb again as a thoughtful expression appeared on her face, before it disappeared and was replaced with fear again. “Still, you shouldn’t have to deal with my silly problems. I wouldn’t want you to get annoyed.” Her voice was speeding up and her eyes were darting in every direction.

“Dear, we would never get annoyed at something like that.”

Alice bit her lip again, utterly confused and more than just a little embarrassed and nervous. “W-well it's nothing. Forget I said anything.” She stammered.

“What?" Aziraphale said, baffled by how quickly she'd backpedaled and more than a little concern about the fear in her eyes. "Alice, panic attacks are not nothing. We can’t just forget you said anything. That’s just horrible.”

Alice brought her arms up, gripping her shoulders and shaking her head rapidly, beginning to shake again. Aziraphale silently cursed himself for using such a sharp tone when she was already so frightened. Slowly, he moved his chair closer to her and put his arm around her shoulder.

“It’s alright. I'm sorry for raising my voice. We don’t have to talk about this now. Besides, stress is bad for the baby.”

Alice’s eyes widened and quickly put a hand to her stomach. Aziraphale cursed himself again, all he was doing was making it worse. He glanced at Crowley, a silent plea to help him out of the mess he’d made.

“He didn’t say that to scare you. He’s just lookin’ out for your health.” Crowley said. “Though he is right, in both regards. Stressing too much will hurt both you and the baby, and if you don’t want to talk about it, we won’t talk about it.”

Alice took a few breaths, steadying herself, before knitting her eyebrows together and swallowing anxiously. She raised her eyes and looked at them, giving them a weak smile, the conversation dropped for another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Poor Alice needs a hug, and it looks like the boys might be in over their heads. Anyway how are you guys doing? Class assignments are starting to pile up, so things are a little busy on my end, but thankfully I still have time to write.  
> Kudos and comments are very much appreciated, I love it when you guys take the time to show me you enjoyed my story, it makes me feel all warm and cuddly. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Chapter discusses gender, gender identity, and sexuality, and Alice misgenders Crowley accidentally. I am a cisgender woman, I tried to handle the topic as respectfully and tactfully as I could, however if I was at all disrespectful or politically, socially, or generally incorrect, or if I make anyone upset or uncomfortable in any way please let me know so I can amend. Thank you and enjoy!

Crowley woke up early the next morning. Surprisingly, Aziraphale was still asleep. Usually he was the first one up. Wait. It was Saturday. That explained things. Every weekend, like clockwork, Aziraphale slept in for at least two hours.

Crowley shook her head, smiling at her fiancé before getting out of bed and getting dressed, pulling on a simple black skirt and long-sleeved t-shirt and tucking a few bobby pins into her ginger hair, keeping it out of her eyes. She went over the the little table on her side of the bed and pulled out the a bracelet that was a soft powdery pink and made of a woven cord. A quick half smile came over her face as she slipped it over her bony wrist. She gave herself a quick look in the mirror before slipping on her sunglasses heading out to the kitchen to start on breakfast.

She hadn’t even gotten out the eggs and milk before she heard someone rushing down the hall into the washroom. Crowley shut the fridge and walked down the hall to find their guest vomiting into the loo. Crowley leaned on the door frame. “You doin’ okay?”

Alice spat, hiccuping slightly. “Better than I was yesterday, that’s for sure.” She said weakly, before another wave of vomiting overcame her.

“You need anything?” Crowley asked. Alice slowly shook her head. “M’kay. D’you want me to stay?”

“No I-I’m okay.” Alice murmured. She clearly wasn’t, but Crowley figured she should respect what Alice wanted.

“Okay, let me know if you need anything.”

“C-could…” she began before hesitating. “Could you close the door please?” She asked timidly.

Crowley offered her a lopsided smile. “Sure kid.” Alice gave her a little smile back as Crowley closed the door. That could have gone better but it could have gone worse, so Crowley counted that as a victory. About ten minutes later, Alice came out to the kitchen, still in her PJs, but looking slightly better than before.

“How you feeling?” Crowley asked.

“Not terrible.” Alice answered back. She looked at the different ingredients on the counter. “N-need any help?” She asked.

“Sure, if you want to.” Crowley said. “What kind of cooking can you do?”

“Quite a bit actually. I really like baking, but I’m not too bad at cooking simple things like eggs and whatnot. I really like it actually, I think it's really fun and…sorry I’m rambling.” She looked at the floor. It honestly made Crowley a little sad. When she was talking about cooking and baking, a tiny light came on behind her eyes, similar to Aziraphale's when he talked about his books, before the light was extinguished and replaced by a look of shame. 

Crowley raised an eyebrow. “Don’t need to be sorry. You were just giving me a thorough answer.” Alice flushed slightly. It really pissed Crowley off when people thought they had to hide what the were passionate about, so she was gonna make sure Alice didn't have to feel that shame around them. “‘Mkay why don’t you start by beating a few of the eggs while I get started on the batter.” Crowley had gotten rather good at making homemade crepes and was rather proud of them. She made them for Aziraphale every Saturday morning and was always quite satisfied with the little delighted sighs the angel would always emit.

Crowley got two bowls, a couple of spoons, a measuring cup, and an egg beater out from the cabinet. She handed one bowl and the egg beater to Alice. As she started measuring the flour and melting the butter, Alice’s small voice sounded.

“H-how d’you want them? Scrambled? Sunny-side? Poached?”

Crowley shrugged. “However you wanna make ‘em is fine.”

Alice tensed slightly, it was subtle but not unnoticed. “Okay.” She cracked a few eggs into the bowl before pouring in a little milk and mixing in some salt and pepper. As she got into her rhythm, she also added a few more spices. Crowley considered herself a decent cook but with simple things like scrambled eggs, she tended to stay away from the more adventurous side of things so this intrigued her a little. As Alice mixed the eggs, milk and spices together before putting the bowl aside and putting some butter into a frying pan, Crowley noticed that the girl was starting to relax.

But the demon also noticed something else. Every so often Alice would glance at her before going back to focussing on what she was doing. She didn’t see that Crowley had noticed, since her eyes were hidden behind her sunglasses, but she still looked nervous whenever she glanced away. It was also clear that she had something on her mind.

Crowley sighed. “If you have a question, you can ask it. I'll do my best to answer it.”

Alice gulped, she’d been caught. “Oh, I erm…well…whyareyouwearingaskirt?” She blurted, going red in the face as the question escaped her.

Crowley blinked a few times. “Sorry, didn’t quite catch that.”

“It’s…It’s nothing, forget I said anything.”

“’S not nothing. If you wanna know something, you should ask.”

"Y..You won't be mad will you?"

"Cross my heart." Crowley said as she traced her finger in an "X" over her chest. 

“Well I was wondering why you’re wearing a skirt. Y-you’re a man.” Crowley cringed. “I-I’m sorry if I said something that offended you-”

“Most of the time, I am. But I’m not today.” Crowley said flatly. Alice blinked at her, clearly confused. “D’you know what genderfluid means?” Alice shook her head. Crowley thought for a moment before turning off the stove and putting down the batter. “Okay let’s clear this up.” She sat down at the table and motioned for Alice to do the same. The girl nervously set the bowl down before sitting across from Crowley, looking nervously between the demon and her hands folded in her lap. “So what’s your understanding of gender?”

Alice flushed. “There are two, male and female and well…doesn’t it just go with what you were born with? You know…what body parts and…well y’know?” She asked it like it was a question, with the same uncertainty a schoolchild had answering a challenge from a teacher. Good grief, her parents really _were_ overbearing. It wasn’t what Crowley had hoped for but she could work with this.

“Well, for a lot of people that is how it works.” She said. “I assume it works like this for you, but if I’m wrong, correct me. Anyway, you look in the mirror and you see a girl. Your mind makes the connection and it says ‘Yes, what I’m seeing is correct. I am a woman.’ But for some people, they might look in the mirror and their mind says, ‘No, this isn’t right. I’m a man on the inside. The body I was born with doesn’t match what I feel I truly am.’ That’s what’s known as being transgender. Y’with me?”

It was clear Alice was confused, but after a second a light lit behind her eyes. “Like Trisha.”

“What was that?”

“Before my parents pulled me out of school, erm I was homeschooled for the last four years, I had a friend. She asked to be called Trisha, but before she was called-“

“Don’t tell me.” Crowley said. “It’s not very polite to use someone’s old name, or their dead name as some people call it. Either way, it’s not cool, especially to someone who doesn’t know them.”

“Oh.” Alice said, going slightly pale. “I-I’m sorry.”

“S’alright, you didn’t know. Just keep that in mind for the future.” There was a slightly saddened look on her face, but Crowley suspected it didn’t have anything to do with using the wrong name. There was also a faraway reminiscence in her expression that Crowley was curious about, but didn't want to push the girl to talk if she didn't want to. “Anyway, you think you’re getting it?”

It was clear Alice wasn’t quite on the same page as her, but she nodded anyway. “S-so, are you that? Transgender I mean?”

“Sort of.” Crowley continued. “For some people, they see male or female and they think, ‘Neither of these are right. Neither of these are me.’ That’s gender nonbinary. They might sway one way or the other, feel they are closer to feminine presenting than masculine, or vice versa. Then you have people like me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and my mind tells me that I feel like a man. Other days it tells me I feel like a woman. Some days, I’m somewhere in between.” She rolled back her sleeve and revealed the pink bracelet. “I’ve got three of these. Pink for woman, blue for man, and green for nonbinary. Sort of helps the people around me know how to refer to me.”

“So…so it’s not a choice?” She asked timidly.

Crowley thought of a good way to explain it. “Alice, you like cooking and baking, right?” Alice nodded. “And you told Aziraphale maths was your favorite class at school?” Alice nodded again. “Did you choose to like those things?”

Alice opened her mouth to answer, but as she thought about it, her response faded away and her jaw slowly drifted closed. Her eyes went back to her hands in her lap as she carefully chose her words before answering. “Well, not really. It took me a while to get the hang of maths, but it was just kind of something in me that told me to keep going with it. Like my brain wouldn’t let me give up. It wasn’t like that with my other classes. I tried to like them, really I did, but with maths it was just a desire to figure things out. It just kind of clicked. And with baking, well, I just started it and it felt right. It made me happy.”

“Something in you telling you, ‘I like this. This is what I want to do’.” Crowley said, putting her answer in simpler terms.

“Well…yeah.”

“That’s how gender works as well. You don’t really choose what your gender is, it’s what feels right for you.”

Alice looked back at her hands, processing what she just heard. “I think I get it.” It was clear that the wheels were still turning in her head, she was still struggling to grasp the concept, but she wanted to Crowley to believe that she understood.

Crowley smirked. “It’s okay if you don’t. I’m pretty damn old and I still don’t have my head wrapped around all humanity’s conception of gender.” Alice let out a little chuckle before her face fell, looking at Crowley with slight fear in her eyes. “You can laugh if you want.” Crowley prompted. Alice stayed quiet but a little thankful smile appeared over her lips. “We should probably get back to making breakfast. Aziraphale gets pretty cranky if he doesn’t eat once he wakes up.” Alice stood up and walked back over to the counter, though Crowley could see she still had questions. “Anything else on your mind.”

“No.” Alice said simply.

“Y’sure?” Crowley prompted. “I’ll try to answer as best I can.”

Alice bit her lip. “Y-you won’t be mad…right?” She asked.

Crowley let out a soft chuckle, though underneath, the question caused a little bit of a sting in her chest. Mad just for asking questions? Gee that sounded familiar. And that thought also prompted just a little bit of demonic empathy from Crowley, though if she were being honest, she didn’t think she could feel things like empathy. “No, kid. I won’t be mad.”

Alice swallowed nervously. “So…so it’s kind of the same with being gay, right?”

“Yeah, that’s the long and short of it. You don’t choose who you’re attracted to, you just _are_. Like when I met Aziraphale I took one look at him and thought ‘Damn he’s gorgeous.’ And, well I haven’t stopped thinking it since. I can only assume he thinks the same about me, dunno why he would put up with me otherwise.” Alice tensed again, a pensive and thoughtful look on her face. “But yeah, it’s not a choice who you’re attracted to. The way I see it, you just listen to what your heart says, and you just kinda go with it. That might not be easy, the rest of the world may tell you it’s wrong, the people close to you may tell you it’s wrong, hell your own mind might even tell you it’s wrong. But you know what you gotta say to that?” She looked over at Alice, who shook her head. “‘Fuck off. This is what I want’.” Alice went red in the face at the harsh language, which made a little chuckle escape from Crowley. “Okay maybe not word for word, but the message is still the same. Ya gotta do what what makes you happy, as long as you don’t hurt yourself.” Aziraphale probably would have added “or others” to the end of that statement, but she wasn’t Aziraphale and sometimes other people didn’t give two shits about what was right or what other people needed. Besides, Alice seemed like the kind of person to put her happiness on the back burner so this might be the advice she needed to hear. Alice looked up at Crowley, processing everything she’d heard that morning and searching and questioning her face for anything that might give away any indication that she was trying to trick her. But eventually, she nodded and went back to fixing the eggs and Crowley turned her attention back to the crepes.

By the time Aziraphale was up, they had finished breakfast. Alice had relaxed slightly, which was a far cry from yesterday and the day before. It was clear she wasn’t fully comfortable around either of them, but she was looking them in the eyes more often. One step at a time, Crowley reminded herself.

“Good morning, ladies.” Aziraphale greeted brightly, kissing Crowley on the cheek and giving Alice a warm smile, which the girl shyly returned. She was still timid when she served herself and needed to be prompted once again to eat a slightly larger portion. And once again, she flinched whenever either of them addressed her. But Crowley counted their conversation as a victory. She hadn’t expected Alice to be open to new ideas (especially if her parents were as fanatically religious as Crowley assumed they were), but she was pleasantly surprised to find that she was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello loves!! I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Alice is starting to get a little more comfortable around the ineffables, but things ain't gonna stay this smooth for long _rubs hands together and laughs like a Bond villain_  
>  But anyway, I moved back to my college campus today and me and my friend have a townhouse together and it's so nice and cute and we have the whole space to ourselves!!! Also tomorrow, since it's a holiday in America, we don't have class or rehearsal (we're in the same play together, an online version of _She Kills Monsters_ , if you haven't read it I highly recommend it's a blast) tomorrow night we're gonna order pizza and watch Good Omens (he's never seen it and he's super excited to see it based on how much I've gone off about it). So yeah things are going pretty great on my end. I hope things are going well for you too!  
> Thank you so much for reading and have a very lovely day!


	8. Chapter 8

By the time the next week rolled around, Alice seemed to be getting a bit more comfortable with Crowley and Aziraphale. She by no means fully trusted them, but she was able to let herself breathe a little easier around them. Whenever she helped make breakfast or assisted Aziraphale around the shop or when either of them addressed her, she would offer a little smile in return. Though usually that smile was an epilogue to a flinch or quick tensing. It was still quite obvious she was putting up a brave front to keep them from seeing her vulnerability. He didn’t want to force any of the walls to come down, but it saddened him beyond belief that they were still there.

One step at a time.

Crowley had informed him of their conversation on Saturday morning and he had been delighted to hear about how open Alice was to his partner’s gender fluidity and how she seemed to have let down a few precautions while they were talking. The angel could only hope that things would continue in their upward pace.

Alice’s morning sickness was beginning to lessen, which Aziraphale attributed to her body gradually getting used to being properly fed and knowing that what she was eating wouldn't disturb the baby. On Monday morning, Aziraphale asked if she wanted company again and she’d refused. Tuesday she refused again, but asked him if he’d wait outside the door, which he gladly obliged. Wednesday, she accepted his offer when he said he’d be willing to sit with her. Thursday, she accepted his offer and very timidly asked if he’d be willing to hold her hair back. He’d smiled warmly, sat down next to her, and gathered her hair into his hands, pulling it out of her face.

“Th-thank you.” She murmured.

“Of course, my dear girl.” She hacked a few more times, spitting into the toilet before letting him know that it had passed. Aziraphale got her a glass of water and a rag to wash her mouth out. “If you don’t mind my asking,” he said gently. “Why did you accept my offer for company the first time but not the next?” Alice tensed and Aziraphale regretted asking the question. “I’m not angry, just curious. And you don’t have to answer if you do not wish to.”

She began trembling. "Y-you're confusing me." She murmured.

"What do you mean?" Aziraphale asked.

Her trembling worsened. "Y-you're sure you're not angry?"

Aziraphale thought for a moment, rather confused by her question. “I asked because I was merely curious, just as I said.”

“You also said I didn’t have to answer if I didn’t want to.” She said warily.

Aziraphale nodded. “That’s true as well.”

Alice gave him a look, the expression of a gambler who was about to make a risky call. He hadn’t seen this look on her before. Most of the time, she had the look of someone who was keeping everything to her chest. Now it looked like she was about to roll the dice. Only this time the most dangerous gamble was not calling the outcome, it was rolling the dice in general.

“I…I don’t want to say…” she said timidly, watching for his reaction.

He gently patted her shoulder. At first she went stiff as his hand settled but after a few moments she relaxed. “Alright then. Why don’t we go see what Crowley’s got going for breakfast?”

She looked at him with mild disbelief but said nothing. Aziraphale noticed a change in the atmosphere. The tension that always surrounded Alice had slightly dissipated. It was only a little, but it still decreased.

* * * * *

Friday was slow going, just the way Aziraphale liked it. Not a single customer had come in so he was free to simply sit at his desk and read, letting Alice have the main area to herself.

Today he was trying a bit of an experiment. He’d left a pile of books on the counter and said Alice was free to read any of them if she liked. He was curious to see if she would or if her nerves would get the best of her. He dearly hoped she would, he hated seeing her so nervous. Besides, he got the feeling that she wasn’t used to consistency, so he wanted to start a precedent to let her know that she could trust him to keep his word.

Around noon, he put down the old scroll he’d been working on translating and headed out towards the main area of the shop, his fingers crossed. He nearly let out a pleased gasp when he saw Alice, sitting at the counter, her nose buried in a copy of _The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_. Pride filled his chest and he had to restrain himself from whooping.

“Alice, dear.” He said. “It’s almost-“

When she noticed him, she went pale again and rapidly closed the book, putting it back on top of the pile. “I won’t touch it again, I swear.” She promised, the momentum of her movement causing her to slip out of her chair and onto the floor, curling herself into a tight ball. “I’m sorry, I-” her breathing began to pick up and she started sweating. Oh no, this wasn’t what Aziraphale had wanted at all.

Quick as he could, he knelt down next to Alice and reached into his pocket, using a quick miracle to summon a handkerchief, the softest one he could make. He gently placed it in Alice’s hands, her fingers ran over the soft fabric as her fists clenched and unclenched.

“Breathe for me, dear.” Aziraphale prompted. “Just breathe.”

Alice took a few deep breaths, letting them out slowly, catching herself before her panic took hold. Aziraphale let out a quiet sigh of relief.

“I’m sorry,” Alice murmured. “I didn’t mean to panic like that again.”

“Now, now. None of that.” Aziraphale soothed. “You have nothing to be sorry for because you’ve done nothing wrong.”

“B-but Mr. Aziraphale I…” she sighed and looked at the floor.

“Let me hear you say it,” Aziraphale urged gently.

“I…I’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Precisely.”

“I’m…I’m sorry for touching your book.”

“Again you’ve no need to be sorry because you’ve done nothing wrong. I left those there for you in case you wanted to read them. I thought I said you were free to do so.”

Alice once again had the look of confusion and questioning on her face, but she still said nothing. Aziraphale bit his lip. That was going to be an uncomfortable conversation, but one she needed to have.

“Why did you think I would go back on my word?” He asked.

She looked at the ground. “B-because…” she sighed. “Because that’s what my dad would do.” She whispered it like a sinner in confession, ashamed of what she was admitting and hoping if she said it quiet enough, God wouldn’t hear her.

Aziraphale helped her to her feet and she sat back down in the chair behind the counter as he pulled up a stool for himself, sitting across from her. “Your father?” He asked.

She nodded wordlessly. “He was pretty…erm…fickle.” She said, choosing her words carefully. “One minute, something would be okay, the next minute…” she winced. “Can we not talk about this?” She asked, her voice timid and quiet.

Aziraphale patted her hand. “Of course, sweet.”

She winced again, this time it was much, much harder than she usually winced, and there was a bit of an audible groan to it as well.

“Alice?” Aziraphale asked, concern in his voice.

“I’m sorry, I…I shouldn’t have reacted like that.” She said.

“No, no it’s alright. I’m just worried is all.”

Alice swallowed nervously. “Please don’t call me…that.” She said. “It…my…I don’t like it.”

A bit of guilt prickled at Aziraphale’s back. He hadn’t mean to hurt her and he felt horrible seeing her uncomfortable expression at the address. But, she needed his support and by God, he’d give it to her. “Of course. I won’t call you that again. And we don’t have to talk about anything you do not wish to. You have full control.” He assured. She gave him a weak smile in return as he picked up the book from the top of the pile. “So, _Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_. A fantastic story. How are you liking it so far, my dear?”

“It’s amazing.” Alice chirped. “I’ve never read anything like it. I’m so curious to who Mr. Hyde is and how he knows the doctor.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t read it already. It’s one of the most popular science fiction books and it’s been around for quite some time.”

“Oh we were never allowed-“ She cut herself off, shutting her mouth quickly, giving Aziraphale a nervous look. “N-never mind.” She stammered, going white again and looking at the floor. Aziraphale said nothing, but gently set the book in Alice’s hands.

“Let me know what you think when you finish it.” He said.

Alice’s eyes lit up but there was still fear on her face. “A-are you sure?” She asked.

“Certainly. I have faith you’ll be careful with it.”

Alice gave him a tiny smile. “Thank you.”

“Now we should head upstairs. It’s almost lunch time and I’m feeling rather peckish.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Discussions of panic attacks and abortion, thoughts of self hatred, and starvation (for religious purposes, not any particular ED, but starvation nonetheless, still rooted in toxic thinking) Please take care of your mental health

Alice had never been so confused in her life. Aziraphale wasn’t mad at her? But she’d done something wrong hadn’t she? She touched his property and then went and panicked again. He’d insisted that he wouldn’t be angry if she touched his books, but surely that had just been a trick. She had been certain that he was trying to trap her, catch her in the act of doing something she wasn’t supposed to.

The second he set the stack of books down next to her, all the alarm bells in her mind had begun to go off. It was a trick, it had to be a trick. Once he went back into his office and left her alone, she told herself that she wouldn’t even think about touching them. But the one on top had been so intriguing and as soon as she read the title on the spine, she’d grown even more curious. When she was still in middle school, Trisha, who had always been quite a bookworm, told her that she’d read _The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_ and thought it was absolutely amazing. The language and story had been so gripping that she couldn’t put it down (it was true Alice had seen the book in her arms several times). Her father had…she’d never gotten around to reading it so as soon as she saw it sitting on top of the stack, the temptation and curiosity had become too much. Maybe if Aziraphale didn’t know that she had messed with his property, she’d be able to avoid a beating.

But she’d gotten too caught up in the story and before she knew it, it was noon and Aziraphale was standing before her saying it was time for lunch.

She was going to get a beating. She knew it, she was certain of it. Even if she apologized, that still didn’t change the fact that she’d done something wrong and she could only hope that the punishment would be brief.

But then Aziraphale had tossed everything onto its head. Not only did he assure her that she had done nothing wrong, but he had comforted her during her panic. Sure he helped calm her down the first time she panicked and then the second time when she woke up screaming from a nightmare and then a third when she’d accidentally cracked a glass while doing the dishes. He had been patient with her then but now she was beginning to push her luck. She was certain he was going to get sick of her antics and give her a good smack for annoying him. But again, he’d done the opposite of what she’d expected. Now she didn’t know what to think.

As the two of them walked from the bookshop, up to the flat, Alice could smell cooked potatoes and pepper from the kitchen. Her mouth began to water and her stomach rumbled loudly.

They walked into the kitchen just as Crowley was ladling some leek and potato soup into three bowls along with some small toasted sandwiches, which he set onto a large plate in the center of the table. 

“This looks absolutely scrumptious, darling.” Aziraphale praised as he kissed the redhead on the cheek. Crowley flushed, pretending not to appreciate the compliment but Alice found that he could be a poor liar.

Aziraphale took his bowl and sat down and Crowley set a bowl in front of Alice before taking one for himself.

Alice crossed herself and murmured a quick blessing and picked up her spoon before her father’s voice began echoing in her ears.

“ _You’ve done wrong_!” “ _You must repent_!” “ _Christ refused food for forty days to be made pure, you can go one night._ ”

Oh dear, this wasn't good. She’d done something wrong and had to atone, but it would be hard to resist with how good Crowley’s cooking was. No, Christ resisted, so so would she.

“Alice?” Aziraphale asked, snapping her from her thoughts.

“Yes?” She answered, though it was a bit too close to a squeak for her own liking.

“Are you alright? You’ve hardly touched your food.”

“Oh, erm…” Alice stammered, sweating a little. “Yes I’m fine, just not very hungry.” As if on cue, her stomach growled again, this time much louder than before.

Crowley raised an eyebrow at her. “How about you try the truth this time?” He said.

Alice gulped loudly, thinking this time a beating was coming for sure. But instead, Crowley just sighed.

“Kid, you really need to eat. It’s not good for you to skip out on meals, especially since you’re pregnant. We promise we’re not gonna get mad or try to take it away from you. But you really need to get some food in you. Just please, eat something.” The saddened look on Aziraphale’s face told Alice that if he were the one vocalizing, he’d be saying something similar.

Alice trembled. She couldn’t do this, not with them ganging up on her like this. No, she had to resist and stay pure. Her stomach growled for a third time. A cringe rolled across Alice’s face as she sighed and began nibbling on one of the sandwiches. She could have been mistaken but it sounded like Aziraphale let out a relieved sigh.

She was weak. She was a sinner. She’d failed God, she couldn’t even resist temptation for a few bloody hours.

She’d repent properly later. She’d make herself pure again.

The shrill ring of the landline startled her, making her jump slightly.

“I got it.” Crowley said, standing from the table and strolling over to the phone. Alice took a small sip of soup as he picked up the receiver and she had to admit, the taste almost made up for the sin. “Wot?” Crowley snapped into the phone. “Yeah, that’s me. Oh, right, that one down in Kent? Yeah we’re still…WHAT?!” Alice flinched, shutting her eyes tight at his sudden change in tone. She felt Aziraphale’s hand on hers as Crowley continued the conversation. “And you decided to tell us now?! Whatever, fine, yeah we’re free, but you should know this is real unprofessional of you.” He slammed the phone down on the receiver and looked back towards the table, where he saw Alice’s frightened expression. He pulled his chair over to the other side of her and set a hand on her shoulder. This was it, he was angry and he was going to take it out on her, she just knew it. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to raise my voice. Just got a little pissed at our real estate agent. Bloody wanker.” Try as she might to stop it, a little tremble broke through her body. “Hey, ’s alright. I’m not mad at _you,_ kid. You don’t gotta worry.”

“What was that about?” Aziraphale asked, patting Alice’s hand and looking towards his fiancé.

Crowley let out an annoyed sigh. “That was Paul. You remember that little cottage down in Kent that we were supposed to look at next week?”

“It hasn’t been sold has it?” The angel asked, slight worry in his voice.

“No, he just moved up our viewing of the house.”

Aziraphale and Alice exchanged a look. “To when?” Aziraphale asked.

Crowley scowled. “An hour and a half from now.” He sneered.

Aziraphale was aghast. “You’re not serious. When did he move it up?”

“Just now apparently. Somebody else insisted on viewing the house that day as well and today at two-thirty was the only other time he was available. Never mind that we’ve had this appointment for weeks, nooo, somebody else felt they were more entitled-"

“Dear.” Aziraphale said sharply, glancing at Alice, who was still coming down from her jolt of nerves.

Crowley took a breath to calm himself, hoping he wouldn’t frighten her further. “Long story short, we better leave real soon if we want to make the appointment in time. We’re lucky Kent isn’t that far. Seriously, what kind of wanker moves up an appointment so soon?”

“I’ll clean up.” Alice piped up, hoping to turn the conversation away from the source of Crowley’s annoyance. If she could get him into a good mood, he’d like be a little more lenient towards her.

“That really isn’t necessary, my dear.” Aziraphale said. “We have a little bit of time before-”

“I don’t mind, really. B-besides, there might be traffic. I don’t want you to be late.”

“You don’t need to worry about us being late.” Aziraphale assured. “Especially with the way Crowley drives.”

“I heard that.”

“You were meant to, dear.”

Alice nervously twisted her thumb. They were already in a bit of a mood and she didn’t want to be caught in the middle. Doing her best to make as little noise as possible, she picked up her bowl, which was still half full, and dumped the rest of her soup back into the pot before putting it in the sink and going back for the rest of the dishes.

“Always a critic, angel.” Crowley teased. “You don’t feel safe with me behind the wheel?”

“Absolutely not.” Aziraphale teased back. “Half the time, I’m sure…” He noticed Alice beginning to clean the kitchen and doing her best to make sure she stayed out of the way. The fear in the air was so heavy he could almost feel it against his skin. He locked eyes with Crowley, each of them exchanging a look before he walked over to the sink, rolling up his sleeves.

“Would you care for some help, my dear?” He asked gently.

“No thank you. I can do it.” Alice said, keeping her eyes steadily on her work, thought Aziraphale could see a faint tremor in her hands.

“Really my girl, you can have some help if you want.”

Alice bit her lip.

“Angel, we should really get going if we want to make it on time.” Crowley said, urging him away from Alice. If she insisted she could do it by herself, then she could do it by herself, they should respect what she wanted. Besides, she was beginning to look a little overwhelmed and he thought it would be best for her to have some alone time.

“Alright.” Aziraphale said before looking back at Alice. “You can come with us if you’d like.” There was something hidden under the invitation, but Alice couldn’t exactly tell what it was. It didn’t seem ill-intended, but still better to play it safe.

“No. Thank you, I’ll be alright here.”

“Alright, we should be back in about three hours or so. I’m so dreadfully sorry that we need to leave you for so long.”

“I’ll be fine.” She said, looking up at Aziraphale for the first time since starting on the dishes.

“You’re sure?”

If she were being honest, she wasn’t sure. But she’d already wasted enough of their time that day, they didn’t need her bothering them anymore. Especially while they were trying to look for a house.

“Perfectly.” She lied. “Now, you’d better go. Don’t want to be late.”

Aziraphale gave her a quick glance before gathering his belongings. Crowley took a pack of notecards and a pen from one of the drawers and scribbled a phone number onto it before sticking it to the fridge with a magnet.

“This’ll reach my mobile. Call us if there’s any kind of emergency.” He instructed.

“Yes, Mr. Crowley.” She answered back, her voice small.

Crowley gave her shoulder an awkward little pat. “Just Crowley’s fine, kid.” She glanced up and was met with a little lopsided smile. She answered with a timid smile of her own before Crowley turned towards the staircase, Aziraphale in tow.

“G-good luck!” Alice called after them. The sound of the shop door being closed and the little jingle of the copper bell over it sounded through the abandoned store and up to the flat, letting Alice know she was alone.

With a heavy sigh, she plopped down into a chair, gathering herself for a few minutes before standing back up and finishing the dishes.

It didn’t take too long, she had them cleaned and put away and the leftover soup in a plastic container in the fridge in less than half an hour. Now she had the entire flat to herself for three hours.

She’d never had a house to herself before. Even if her parents had gone out, she’d have her younger siblings that she either had to watch, help with homework, or make food for or at the very least all of them would sit down and either watch a film or play a game together. But she’d never been alone, with nothing but time and her own desires to keep her company. It was all so new…and utterly terrifying.

Perhaps ten minutes were spent just standing in one place and letting the reality of the situation sink in. She waited for a moment for the sound of a giggling five year old or a twelve year old asking her to explain a math problem, or any kind of sound but there was nothing. The only things she could hear were her nervous thoughts echoing in her mind.

No, no. None of that. She didn’t need that now.

All her attempts to distract herself were futile. There was nothing that interested her on the telly, not that she even really knew what were on the different channels. There were a few jigsaw puzzles but just taking a look at all the pieces in the box almost increased her anxiety. She didn’t want to start on something and have Crowley and Aziraphale come home to puzzle pieces scattered everywhere (besides, she’d never been that good at puzzles to begin with). Not even the book could distract her, though she did her best to get invested again. After all it was a very interesting story and she almost felt bad for not being able to focus. But her thoughts were just far too loud and too jarring for her to able to even process what words were even on the page.

Why didn’t they get angry with her? She knew she’d done enough to warrant a punishment, but why didn’t they just get it over already? Perhaps the waiting was part of it. Maybe they were trying to get her to think that she was in the clear before they-

An anxious gasp burst from Alice and she set the book down, gripping her hair as her breathing began to pick up.

Her father’s voice sounded in the back of her head again.

“ _You’re fine, stop making such a fuss_!” _“I thought I told you to keep your blubbering down_!” “ _Get up off the floor and stop crying!_ ”

She took a few breaths to steady herself. Her thoughts were far to distracting to do much of anything. And Alice found when her mind was too loud, there was only one thing she could do to settle it. Bake.

Shakily, she stood from the couch and walked back out to the kitchen and began to look through the cabinets. The anxious voice in her mind told her that they’d be furious if they found out she’d touched their belongings without their knowing, but she reasoned that if she cleaned up after herself and left whatever she baked for them, they’d overlook it.

She found a muffin pan and a few bags of chocolates in one of the cabinets. Perfect.

She began gathering the ingredients after preheating the oven, using a little bit of butter to grease the pan. Different websites and recipe books listed all kinds of different cooking sprays or methods to use to grease pans, but this one she felt was the best. As she began mixing the flour and sugar together, the trembling in her hands began to ease and her mind began to settle, wandering off in a different, less anxious direction. Every thought seemed to disappear into the blur in the bowl, the sugar, flour, and salt all converging together and swallowing her fears whole until there was nothing left but a powdery white mix. An easy breath escaped her as she added brown sugar to the dry ingredient bowl and she began to get into a bit of a rhythm, mixing the sugars together with ease, as if she’d been born to do it.

She was lucky that she had such a useful gift. She’d usually be in the kitchen baking something whenever she worked herself into a panic and it was extremely fortunate that she was able to do something to get her mind settled again as well as giving her father something to calm him down. He always enjoyed whatever treat she’d baked and he usually forgot that he was angry with her afterwards. Well there was that one incident with the brownies…

No, not thinking of that. We don’t need that right now. Focus, Alice old girl, focus.

Another breath left her as she set aside the bowl and pulled an egg from the carton, cracking it into a second bowl.

It wasn’t her father’s fault, she reasoned as she began beating the egg. He always had a lot on his mind and she shouldn’t have gotten in his way or annoyed him so many times.

She sighed, pushing that to the back of her mind. She had other things that needed her focus. But as she began whisking the milk and vanilla extract into the bowl, her mind wandered back to her confusion.

Crowley and Aziraphale kept insisting that they weren’t angry with her, that she’d done nothing wrong, but neither of those could have been true. She’d trespassed on their property, forced herself into their lives, let her silly emotions run away with her and they were always left to clean up the mess that she left herself in every time she went into a panic. On top of that, she was staying in their flat and eating their food rent free. They had every right to be cross with her if she stepped out of line. Yet…they never did. They were always so gentle and patient with her. It just didn’t make sense. She’d been told practically since the day she’d opened her eyes that sinners deserved to be punished. And she was quite the sinner.

Something shifted inside her. Her whole body felt the movement from deep within. She set down the bowl and placed a hand on the little bump pushing out against her dress. As if it knew she was there, the little being inside her shifted again. Not a kick or anything drastic, just a small movement. Small, but not at all unnoticed.

“Hello there,” she said as she sat down into a chair. “I didn’t expect you to make yourself known.” She sighed. “I hope I haven’t made things difficult for you. Crowley and Azirapahle keep telling me stress is bad for you. It seems all I ever do is stress about things. I really am trying to do better.” Another movement came from inside, almost like a little dance. It felt peculiar and it made her feel a little sick, but strangely enough, she liked the feeling. For the first time since finding out she was pregnant, she really felt the value of it, the beauty, the hope of it all. There was a little being growing inside her.

She gave her stomach a little pat before standing up again and mixing a bit of vegetable oil in with the milk, egg, and vanilla. “You deserve a good life.” She said, looking down at the bump. “You deserve more than I can give you. But…but I’m selfish.” She set the bowl down again, propping herself up on her elbows on the counter. “I want to meet you. I want to be a part of your life. You may not have been given to me under the best of circumstances,” she shuddered, “but you still make me feel happy, hopeful. Even if it’s for an hour, I want to see you. I want you to see me.”

She sighed again, not realizing she’d begun crying until a tear plopped onto the counter. She grabbed one of the napkins from the table, dabbing at her eyes and brushing the tears away. It was silly. She knew there wasn’t anyone else who would see but she still didn’t want them on her face any longer than they had to be.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, patting the little bump again. “I’ve been a bit of a mess lately. I’ll try to be better.”

She brushed the rest of the tears away and continued mixing. Her breaths began to slow and become more even as everything blended together. The dry ingredients and wet ingredients went together and became one, and the next few breaths that came from her were much more relaxed. The bowl was set aside as she opened the bag of chocolates and began cutting them up into small pieces, the knife against the cutting board making a satisfying _thunk_ noise.

Finally, she dumped the chopped up chocolate into the bowl and began swiftly folding the batter around it until it was all mixed together.

The muffin pan only made four muffins at a time, so she would have to bake them in shifts if she wanted to use all the batter, but it didn’t bother her. They only took about twelve minutes to bake, so she’d have maybe six batches of four in an hour.

The muffins went into the oven and the ingredients went back into the cupboard as Alice started on the dishes, feeling more relaxed than she had been in a long time. The timer dinged twelve minutes later, the muffins cooled for about five minutes before she set them out on a plate and greased the pan again, pouring in some more batter. She repeated the process about three more times before all the batter was gone. The smell of fresh muffins wafted through the flat and Alice was feeling rather good about everything. Perhaps she-

“Oh my, what’s all this?”

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no.

Alice spun around and was faced with Crowley and Aziraphale. When did they get back? Why were they back so early? Suddenly, Alice regretted her choice of afternoon activity. The kitchen was still a bit of a mess and they’d likely be mad that she rifled through their cupboards.

The oven timer dinged behind her, causing her to flinch.

“Erm, I uh…need to get those.” She said quietly as she slipped the oven mitts on. She could still feel their eyes on her as she pulled the muffins out of the oven and set them on the stove. “I’m, erm…I’m sorry I should have asked before using the kitchen, I just like baking when I’m stressed. I-I won’t do it again if you don’t want me to, I’m-I’m sorry.” She began trembling again. Curse her stupid, jittery body.

“Hey, hey calm down, kid, just breathe.” Crowley said softly. Oh she was going to get it, any minute now. “You’re alright. We’re not mad at you.”

“And these look quite tasty.” Aziraphale said, taking a muffin from the plate and taking a bite out of it. A little happy wiggle broke through his shoulders. “Thank you, I didn’t know you were such a talented baker.” Alice flushed at the praise and breathed out a sigh of relief. The treats would be able to distract them until she was able to get the kitchen cleaned up and escape to the guest room. Aziraphale looked at Alice, the contentment on his face replaced by worry. “Alice, have you been crying?” He asked, concern in his voice.

Oh dear, he’d noticed and he’d be angry with her she was sure of it. “N-no.” She lied. Aziraphale gave her a knowing look. “I’ve, erm. I’ve just been doing some thinking.”

Aziraphale put a hand on her shoulder and guided her to sit down at the table before sitting across from her as Crowley set the plate of muffins between them, taking one for himself before sitting down at the end.

“Aren’t you going to have one, dear?” Aziraphale asked.

“I, erm, well I made them for you two.” Alice explained. “I-it wouldn’t be right of me.”

Aziraphale gave her a warm smile. “That’s very kind of you, love, but you worked so hard on them. You should have one too.” She looked from him to Crowley and sighed. There was no winning this argument.

Aziraphale spoke up as she took a muffin from the plate. “So you’ve been doing a bit of thinking? Where have your thoughts taken you?” He asked.

Alice gulped. She couldn’t tell them about everything in her mind. Then they’d realize that she wasn’t worth the effort and would likely make her leave. And even though she didn’t want to be a bother, she didn’t want to force them to house her any longer than necessary, she also didn’t want to be out on the street again.

There was another little burst of movement from inside her. She sighed, putting a hand on her stomach. “I know I can’t raise a baby by myself. I’m too young and inexperienced.” She rubbed small circles onto the bump. “But, for some reason, having an abortion doesn’t seem right. Not to me at least. I know carrying it to term probably isn’t the right choice, but I can’t seem to bring myself to kill it.”

“Alice, there is no right or wrong choice. There’s just a choice. If you feel strongly about one decision or the other, if you feel one way to handle things is best for you, then that’s what you should do.” Aziraphale assured.

Alice had given Aziraphale a weak smile. “Thanks. I feel like giving it up for adoption might be the best idea. But I want to know who adopts it. I want to make sure they grow up loved and treasured. And…” she sighed. “I want to meet them. I want to be a part of their life, even if I’m a small part.” She set her muffin down, a sudden burst of emotion coming through her as she set her face into her hands. “I know it’s selfish but I…I just want to meet them…”

“Oh, Alice.” Aziraphale murmured softly. “There’s nothing selfish about wanting to meet your own child.” She lifted her head and saw that Aziraphale had moved from his chair and was kneeling beside her. “Whatever you decide, we’ll support you.”

As if in agreement, the little being inside her gave another jolt of movement. Alice put her hand back on her stomach before looking between the two of them and murmuring a small, “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Sorry I didn't upload this earlier. I had some grocery shopping to do (funnily enough I was getting baking supplies) and then I had rehearsal. But better late than never.  
> So, if you read my previous update for Godfathers, you'll also have read in the author's note that my brother tested positive for COVID-19. I've been texting my mother every day since Thursday for updates. She and my father are fine, and my brother is currently self isolating. According to my mother, his symptoms are very mild and he isn't getting any worse, so I'm doing my best to stay optimistic.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that chapter, kudos and comments are very much appreciated. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic attack and referenced child abuse

“Hello?”

“Alice? Is that you?”

“Anathema? How is everything?” Alice asked timidly.

“Not good, Alice. Listen, is Aziraphale or Crowley around?”

“Sorry, they’re not." They had once again rescheduled a meeting with Paul, their real estate agent. Alice didn't want to think anything rude about the man, but from what she gathered, he wasn't very good at his job. "I could take a message?” Alice suggested.

“That’s alright. Any idea when they’ll be back?”

“Not for a few hours.” She could hear Anathema trying not to curse on the other end of the line. “Anything I can help with?”

“We have a problem. And a bigass one. Newt tried to fix the tv and…it kind of exploded.”

Alice was silent. Though she’d heard tell of Newt’s phenomenally bad skills when it came to technology, she thought that everyone was just exaggerating. But she couldn’t deny the sound of fizzing out wires and crunching glass in the background. At first she’d doubted, but now she wanted to be nowhere near Newton if he was in the same room as something electrical.

“Oh my goodness! Is everyone okay?” Alice asked.

“Finn and I are, but Newt got thrown into the wall. He’s got a concussion and broken arm. We're lucky that's all it appears to be but I’ll need to take him to the hospital, to see if there's anything more severe. But well, I have Finn and, I don’t have anyone to watch him. Adam and the rest of the Them are in school and all our other friends are at work. I was hoping Aziraphale or Crowley would but…” her voice tapered out to a frustrated groan.

“I’ll watch him!” Alice insisted. Her cheeks went slightly red and she felt a little sheepish and guilty. Anathema certainly knew her, she’d come over with Finn and Newt for dinner almost four times in the past two and a half weeks and they’d spoken over the phone almost every other day. So she knew just how irresponsible and what a mess Alice was. She didn’t want a teenage delinquent watching her son. “I-If you’re okay with that I mean. I didn’t mean to force your hand in any way.”

“If I’m okay with it? Alice I’m more than okay with it. That’s so kind of you to offer. Are you sure you’ll be alright with him?”

“Yes. I’ll be fine. Finn’s a sweet boy and I don’t think he’ll give me any trouble.”

“Oh thank you so much, you’ve made my life so much easier. I’ll be by in about an hour to drop him off.”

“Okay, I’ll see you in an hour.”

The second Alice put the receiver back on the wall, a panic swept through her. She had just agreed to watch Finn without telling Aziraphale or Crowley. What would they think if they came home and found her with Anathema’s baby?

Okay, okay, this was manageable. Just breathe.

Call them. Call them before doing anything else.

With trembling hands, she reached for the phone again and dialed the number for Crowley’s cellphone.

“Wot?” He said as soon as the second ring had passed.

Alice gulped a little. He sounded annoyed. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea…well if he wouldn’t be mad now, he would definitely be mad later when he found her with Finn, better get it out of the way now so he wouldn’t get cross with her for keeping something from him. Besides, if he got mad, at least there was a phone separating her from him.

“Is anyone there?”

“Erm…yes it’s me.” Alice said timidly.

“Oh.” Crowley’s voice softened slightly. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah…well kinda.”

“Kinda?”

“Anathema just called. Newt blew up the tv and needs to be taken to the hospital. She needed somebody to watch Finn and I said I’d do it. But I should have asked you if you and Aziraphale were okay with it first. I-I’m sorry, next time I’ll-“

“Whoa, whoa, kid. Calm down there.” Crowley said. “I’m not mad, just a little surprised. Didn’t expect this conversation to take that kind of turn.” He said he wasn’t mad, but Alice knew better. The second he got back…well it was best not to think about it. “You alright? You sound kinda stressed.”

“I just didn’t want you to come home and suddenly be faced with Finn. You know, it would be rude not to let you know. This is your flat after all, I don’t want to violate some kind of boundary.”

“Hey if Anathema needs to look after Newt, then someone else has got to watch the other baby. You’ll be okay looking after him?”

Alice was surprised. He really didn’t sound mad. Crowley was a better actor than she gave him credit for. Maybe he was just trying to keep up appearances, he and Aziraphale were in public after all.

“Yeah. I’ll be okay.”

“Alright. When will she drop him off?”

“She said she’d be by in about an hour. W-when are you two going to be back?” She didn’t want to betray just how nervous she was and was hoping they’d wouldn’t be back for a few more hours. It would give Crowley time to cool down.

“Should be about an hour and a half, but we can come home sooner if you need.”

Bugger.

“No, no that won’t be necessary. Take all the time you need. I’ll be fine.”

“You sure, kid?”

“Absolutely. I’ll see you when you get back.” Before Crowley could say anything else, she quickly slapped the receiver back into the wall. He’dcertainly be angry after that but the panic was beginning to take over, if he heard he would have gotten even madder.

Both Crowley and Aziraphale had been telling her that she didn’t need to be so stressed, and she knew that _that_ was just a veiled threat. She had been doing he best to keep her panics under wraps so she wouldn’t bother them. She knew better than to believe them when they said they weren't mad at her and didn't blame her for her panics. She knew better. They may say it in the moment, but the second they got annoyed with her...she grimaced and did her best to push that though out of her mind.

As the hour ticked by, she busied herself by readying the flat for Finn. Anathema would most likely have all the supplies he’d need, bottles, toys, nappies, and the flat was already fairly clean but having something to do with her hands made her feel just a tad better.

Before she knew it, it was already 1:00 and there was knocking on the door. When Alice greeted her, she was faced with a very haggard Anathema. Behind her was the small blue car that Newt called Dick Turpin and the tech whiz himself was sitting in the passenger seat, looking rather dazed and cradling his left arm.

“Thank you again, Alice.” Anathema said. “You’re a life saver.” She passed Finn to Alice and pulled the diaper bag off her shoulder, handing it to her as well. “Everything you need should be in there. He usually has a bottle around two, a nap around two thirty, and another bottle at six forty-five. I don’t know how long we’ll be. We’ll try to make it as quick as possible but you never know with the ER.”

“Hey, it’s alright. Just focus on getting Newt back in one piece.” She gave Finn a little bounce. “I’ll keep an eye on this one.”

Anathema let out a relieved sigh before giving her son a little kiss on the forehead. “Now you be good for Alice, little _Diablo_. Momma will be back soon okay?” She looked back up at Alice. “Feel free to call me if you need to.” She gave Finn another little kiss and gave Alice a quick sideways hug before going back to the car and getting in the driver’s seat. Alice stayed at the door waving as they drove off, walking back inside.

Things went well for the first half hour. She read him a few of the books that Aziraphale had in the children’s section and the two had just sat down on the floor playing with some of the blocks that Anathema had packed. She felt herself calming down, they way she usually did when she cared for children. She was in her element and she’d nearly forgotten about her phonecall with Crowley when she heard the little bell over the door to the bookshop jingle. Another wave of panic took over Alice when she thought about how angry Crowley and Aziraphale would be. She’d nearly forgotten. She’d let them know in advance so they wouldn’t be surprised when they came into the living room and saw her with Finn, but she was sure they’d still be furious she didn’t ask permission. What would they do?

She scooped up Finn.

Maybe she could put him down for a nap early so he wouldn’t have to be around two furious adults. Lord only knew how ugly things could get.

Unfortunately as soon as he was taken away from the floor and away from the blocks, he began to cry loudly.

Alice looked from the stairs back down to the crying baby and dashed into the guest room, hoping that maybe having the noise further away would lessen their annoyance. She couldn’t have them getting mad at Finn as well, he was just a baby!

She sat down on her bed and began gently rocking the crying infant, whispering soothing reassurances to him, though they were also slightly for herself.

“Sshh sh. Don’t cry, please don’t cry, it’s going to be okay. It’ll be alright, I promise.”

“Alice?” She heard Aziraphale call. She froze, holding Finn to her chest and staring wide eyed at the door as the figure of the bookseller came into view. “Ah, there you are. Crowley and I brought lunch if you’re hungry, though it seems you might be a bit preoccupied with…are you alright?”

It was going to come any minute now, she was sure of it, but all she could manage to do was stare wide-eyed at Aziraphale with one hand rubbing Finn’s back, hoping to God that he would calm down.

Aziraphale walked further into the room and sat down by Alice. Her stupid body betrayed her and she began trembling, unable to stop. Crowley followed in shortly after and once he got a good look at Alice’s expression and the crying baby in her arms, he moved to pick up Finn, looking at Aziraphale.

“I’ll handle Finn, you stay with Alice.” He said.

No! He was going to hurt Finn!

“Don’t hurt him! Please don’t! It was my fault!” Alice cried. Crowley and Aziraphale exchanged looks as Crowley began rocking Finn, trying him to calm down.

“What? Why on earth would Crowley want to hurt Finn?” Aziraphale said.

“Your fault?” Crowley asked as he gently pat Finn’s back. The baby hiccuped a few times before letting out another little cry and falling silent. “What d’you mean your fault?”

“I know you’re mad I didn’t ask permission to watch Finn, I should have asked and I’m sorry but I just wanted to help Anathema and…oh I’m sorry but please don’t hurt Finn it isn’t his fault!”

Images of Sarah flashed in her mind and she had to force herself from doubling over from the instinct and the fear. She wrapped her arms around herself, shielding her stomach hoping she’d at least be able to defend the baby if she couldn’t defend herself.

“Alice,” Aziraphale’s soft voice sounded in her ears and somehow, she felt calmed, “I’m going to touch your shoulder, is that okay?” Alice gulped. Nobody had ever asked permission before hitting her. What was his angle? Still this had to be some kind of test and this time she had Finn to think of as well, so she agreed. Aziraphale’s warm, large hand cupped her shoulder, gently rubbing a small circle. “Take a few breaths for me.” He said gently. Alice complied, taking a few breaths in and letting them out. “There we go. Now, please explain what happened.”

“I…I thought I…it’s just like I said. I agreed to watch Finn without asking your permission first. This is your flat and, well, it was unfair of me to agree without checking to see if it was alright with you first.”

“Alice, you’re sixteen. You can make your own decisions. Although we do appreciate the idea of checking in with us beforehand, it really wasn’t necessary. Anathema was having an emergency and you were kind enough to offer help. And you _did_ let us know so we wouldn’t be put on the spot when we got home. We’re not angry with you.”

Alice sighed. “This is so embarrassing.” She muttered. “Anathema entrusts her child to me and I go and have a panic attack.”

Aziraphale continued to rub her shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault. You were afraid. But you still wanted to protect him, so I’m sure she can’t fault you for that. And I’ve assured you, having a panic is nothing to be ashamed about.”

Crowley sat down on the other side of the bed, still holding Finn, who was tugging at the lapel of his jacket. “What made you think we were gonna hurt you anyway? Or hurt Finn for that matter?”

Alice gulped. “I…I don’t want to talk about that now. Not when Finn is here. I need to focus on making sure he’s okay.”

Out of the corner of her eye she could see Aziraphale shoot Crowley a look and the redhead went silent. “Okay.” Crowley said. “But I still think that we should talk about this.” Alice gulped again and she could feel herself going pale, but she couldn’t let them see how scared she was. She couldn’t let them know, so she just nodded and took a few more breaths to steady herself.

Finn began crying again and now that she knew the immediate threat to him was gone, her mind was able to ignore the fear and focus on tending to him She gently lifted the baby out of Crowley’s arms and walked back to the living room, where she’d set the diaper bag on the coffee table. She began rifling through it and pulled out a bottle, sprinkling a bit onto her wrist. Once she felt that the temperature was okay, she settled down on the couch and held the bottle close to Finn’s mouth and he began to suckle.

She was still throughly embarrassed about having yet another panic attack, and while caring for an infant no-less, and she certainly was not looking forward to the conversation she was going to have with the two of them later. But for right now, she was able to focus on the contented little creature in her arms and for right now, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, dearies! I hope things have been going well on your end. Update from my mother, apparently she and my father aren't showing symptoms, and my brother's fever has started to go down and he's beginning to get his sense of taste back so I'm hopeful. Thank you for everyone who gave me and my family their well wishes and good thoughts. And thank you for the almost 1000 hits. I had no idea that my little story would become so popular.  
> I do hope that you liked this chapter. Kudos and comments are very much appreciated, they make my little heart so happy. Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic attack, mentions of abuse and past child abuse

Crowley was about to walk back out to the living room but Aziraphale stopped him. “Maybe we should give her some privacy dear.” He prompted. “You know she can get quite embarrassed after a panic.”

“You sure she’ll be okay with Finn?” Crowley asked.

“She was afraid of us, her fear has nothing to do with him. If we try and go back to her too soon, we might frighten her again or trigger another panic. Besides, I have absolute faith that she’ll take good care of him. She seems to be more comfortable taking care of children than interacting with people older than her.”

“Considering our suspicions of what her home life was like, I’m not really surprised.” Crowley muttered.

Aziraphale gave him another look. “Crowley please remember to try and be gentle. She’s going through a lot.” Crowley sighed. “I agree that we should try and get her to open up because clearly she’s keeping a lot of things bottled up, but we should let her take the lead.” Crowley sighed again. He was not good at this whole “helping those in need” kind of thing.

His thoughts were interrupted by a soft chuckle. He slowly walked back out to the hallway and peeked into the living room, where Alice had Finn on her lap. He had finished his bottle and Alice was now gently tapping his back, cooing at the little burps that were coming from him. “There we go. That’s better?” She said softly. It was like she was a completely different person. Not even ten minutes ago she was rigid and terrified that he was going to hurt Finn.

He looked back at Aziraphale. “I’ll go in and talk to her. I think it would be best if just one of us went, she might think we’re ganging up on her.” Aziraphale nodded.

Wait, why did he volunteer to do this? He was rubbish at this!

Still, he found himself walking into the living room and approaching Alice. She went slightly pale when she saw him, but didn’t actively try and get away from him.

“Can I sit down?” He asked. Alice nodded silently, eying him as he sat down before turning her attention back to Finn. “Feeling better?” He asked.

“I think so.” She said. “Just really embarrassed. I…I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Kid, you’ve got nothing to apologize for. It’s something normal that happens to a lot of people.”

Alice bit her lip nervously. “I should tell Anathema about this.” She said.

Crowley shrugged. “If you want to, if you think it’ll help, then go for it.”

“I had a panic while watching her child, you know how irresponsible that is.”

“About as irresponsible as breaking your leg.” Crowley said casually. Alice looked down at Finn who was smiling up at her with a three toothed smile. “Having poor mental health is not the same as being lazy or being irresponsible.” And he should know, he practically invented both. “Most people worth knowing won’t judge you or think any less of you for it. And that ones that do can kiss my ass.”

Alice gasped slightly, putting a hand over Finn’s ear. “Watch your language.” She scolded.

Crowley chuckled a little bit, tickling Finn under his chubby little chin. “The sentiment still stands.” Alice sighed. “Aziraphale can confirm that I used to have really bad anxiety. Both of us actually did. Still do sometimes. Something I used to say to him when it was really bad was ‘the people who mind don’t matter, and the people who matter don’t mind.’ The same applies to you.” Alice looked back down at Finn, who was tugging at her jumper. “Besides, he seems to think you’re doing a decent job.” Finally, after a few seconds of thinking, a smile came over Alice’s face. It wasn’t a very large one, or a very confident one, but it was there.

“Thank you, Mr. Crowley.” She murmured.

“Just Crowley is fine.” Crowley said with a little chuckle as he gave her a smile back. He knew he wasn’t supposed to feel things like sympathy or compassion, but he still felt them anyway, only for the people who deserved or needed it. Alice seemed to be both.

“Well, I should get back to focussing on this little guy.” She said as she gave Finn a little bounce, causing a loud giggle to come from the baby.

The rest of the afternoon passed by without too much event. Alice watched over and played with Finn with absolute dedication. She was a complete natural when it came to childcare, Crowley almost thought she gave him a run for his money, and he’d been a professional nanny.

One moment in particular stuck out. About a half an hour after Finn woke up from his nap, he began screaming and absolutely refused to calm down. Alice tried practically everything, giving him a bottle, changing his nappy, rocking him, giving him his pacifier, reading to him, nothing worked. For a moment, Crowley thought Alice was going to have another panic or would need to tap out, but she was remarkably patient. After she had exhausted all her other options, she sat down in the rocking chair in the living room, with Finn swaddled as tightly as she could get him without hurting him (and as best as she could get while he was squirming) and settled him against her chest.

For a second, Crowley was confused, she’d already tried rocking him, but then, she started humming, holding Finn so his ear was resting over her heart and slowly, he stopped crying. It took a few minutes but as soon as she started humming, the screams began to dissipate and Finn’s expression turned into one of confusion, then of fascination. After about five minutes of humming, his eyes slowly closed and he fell asleep. Alice continued humming for another five minutes until she was certain Finn was sound asleep and sighed with relief. Aziraphale and Crowley both stared at her.

“Oh, did I do something wrong? I-I’m sorry.”

“No, no you did nothing wrong, my dear.” Aziraphale assured “We’re just rather awed by that. He went right to sleep.”

“Just going on instinct, I suppose,” Alice said, continue to rock the sleeping infant.

“How is it you’re so good with children?” Crowley asked. There was an unspoken second part to the question. “How are you so good with children yet are so shy around everyone else.”

Alice shrugged. “I was the second oldest of six children. I was born when my older sister was eleven, my younger brother was born when I was nine and ever since he was born, Dad made us…I mean we were expected…we helped take care of our younger siblings. Then my sister got married and moved out, so I became the main help. Sometimes, she would come over and I would help take care of my niece as well.”

Crowley thought that was a shit move on her parents part, having all those kids and expecting the older ones to look after the younger ones, but surprisingly, this was the one part of her life Alice seemed to be okay talking about. In fact, she seemed to enjoy talking about helping with her younger siblings.

With one exception.

As soon as the word “dad” left her mouth, she went pale again and she held Finn a little tighter to her but it seemed like it hadn't been her choice. It had been an instinct.

Crowley wanted to find her father and personally drag him down to Hell and he didn’t even know what he had done yet. But he was beginning to develop a fondness for Alice. She was almost as gentle and considerate as Aziraphale, but every time she would go pale or go into a panic, he wanted to find whoever hurt her and make them pay and he hadn’t even heard the specifics of what they’d done to her.

But that could wait until later. He wanted her to talk about what had happened to her, but he wouldn’t force her.

The rest of the evening passed by with relatively no other event. Crowley started on dinner while Alice fed Finn his evening bottle and around 7:15, Anathema came to pick him up. Newt was in the passenger seat of Dick Turpin, looking thoroughly exhausted with his left arm in a sling. When Alice handed Finn back to her, she hung her head.

"Everything alright?" Anathema asked.

"Well, I should tell you. While I was still watching Finn, I had a panic attack."

"Oh my goodness!" The witch gasped, looking Alice up and down. "Are you alright? Were you able to ground yourself?"

"What? Yes I'm fine, but I thought I should tell you because I was still watching Finn and, well, it wasn't very responsible of me to...well, I was watching Finn and if Crowley and Aziraphale hadn't been there, I...or Finn..."

"Hey, it's okay." Anathema said, putting her free hand on Alice's shoulder. "They were there to help and Finn is just fine." She gave Alice a smile and asked how much she owed her.

“Oh, no I couldn’t.” Alice said. “You’re my friend and you have to deal with hospital bills and it wouldn’t be right.”

Anathema shrugged but surreptitiously handed a fifty pound note Aziraphale with a quiet, “Put this in the tip jar for her.” Aziraphale saw Anathema to the door and wished the family a safe trip back home and a speedy recovery for Newt.

As soon as he came back upstairs, Crowley noticed Alice going pale and a look of fear came over her face. He knew she was nervous about the impending conversation, but he didn’t want to press her.

She didn’t say anything until after dinner. They were all settled in the living room, Crowley scrolling on his mobile and Aziraphale and Alice reading on the couch, though Crowley noticed that Alice was having a bit of a hard time focussing on her book.

“Now that Finn’s gone, y-you can do what you were going to earlier.”

Aziraphale and Crowley exchanged a glance again. “What were we going to do earlier?” Aziraphale asked.

Alice gulped. “We…we were going to talk about…” she was too nervous to finish her sentence.

“Oh yes.” Aziraphale said, setting a placeholder between the pages. He looked at Alice and noticed the petrified expression on her face. “Are you alright dear girl? We don’t have to talk about-“

“You said we were going to, so we should.” Alice insisted, before closing her mouth with an audible pop and clutching her hands to her chest. “I-I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, dear. You’re right. It may not be the most comfortable of conversations but the sooner we get it out of the way the better.”

Crowley put his mobile in his pocket and sat forward a little in his chair. “Why did you think we were going to hurt Finn?”

Alice took a breath and let it out slowly. “Because I thought you would be angry that he was crying, or that he was there without your permission.”

“Babies cry, that’s what they do. Why would we get mad at Finn for doing that?” Crowley asked.

Alice gulped again, closing her eyes tightly, not at all looking forward to what she was about to say. “Because that’s what Dad would do.”

Crowley was disgusted as soon as the words left her mouth.

“Mr. Aziraphale, I may have let it slip last week that my dad would be fickle about some things. Something would be okay one moment and then that same thing would make him angry the next. Well, he also had a bit of a temper. Sometimes he would yell at me because my younger siblings were crying and I couldn’t calm them down soon enough. That’s how I learned the humming trick. One time, my little brother Timmy had a cold and he wouldn’t stop crying. I knew my dad would get mad and I heard him stomping up the stairs so I held him close to my chest and tried to hum to calm myself down and apparently the music and the vibration soothed him quick enough that Dad didn’t get mad at him.” There was a sadness to her smile.

“But he still got mad at you?” Crowley asked. Alice sighed and nodded.

“Sometimes I’d be lucky and avoid a punishment, sometimes I wasn't. The same went for my siblings and niece.” She bit her lip and looked like she was about to cry. “One afternoon my sister needed me to watch her daughter. This wasn’t too long ago so my siblings were old enough to take care of themselves at this point. Most of them were either doing schoolwork or out with our mum. Anyway, I agreed because I wanted to help my sister and she came over and dropped off Sarah. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it until my dad came home. This wasn't t-the first time I'd watched Sarah so I thought it would be fine. But then he a-asked me what I was doing with Sarah and when I tried to explain-" her voice caught in her throat, tapering out like a snuffed candle. She gripped the sides of her hair shaking her head rapidly. “IcantIcantIcant.” She murmured. Aziraphale gently put his arm around her, pulling her into a gentle sideways embrace. Alice looked up at him and he gave her a sympathetic smile.

“Yes you can, my dear. Go on, we’re listening.”

Alice shivered and leaned into Aziraphale. “He hit me. He hit me so hard my nose started bleeding. He said that this was his house and if he didn’t give me permission to watch Sarah, then I had to suffer the consequences. At that moment, Sarah woke up from her nap and began screaming. Dad barged into my room and began hitting her and yelling for her to shut up. I wanted to try and get him to stop but I was too scared. I didn’t do anything.” She shivered again. “I didn’t do anything.” It was barely above a whisper.

Aziraphale began gently rubbing her shoulder and arm. Crowley was ready to march right up to her father and kick his teeth in.

“When he was done hitting her, he threw her to the floor. I did everything I could to calm her down and there was nothing broken, but I couldn’t stop him during it and-and she was so scared she wouldn't stop crying.” She rubbed her hand over her tummy. “That’s why part of me was glad when I got kicked out. I saw how he treated his kids and his grandkid. I did not want the same to happen to my baby.” She sighed. “I don’t even think I’m going to keep it but I _do_ know that no matter what I choose I’m not letting him anywhere near this baby.”

There was a boldness in her that Crowley had yet to see before that night. She was holding her stomach protectively and sitting up straight looking between the two of them. It was quick and it faded just as soon as it came but Crowley, oddly enough, felt a quick sense of pride when he saw it. That was the first time he saw bravery in her that wasn’t forced or wasn’t just a mask. When she realized how loudly she spoke, she went pale again and shrunk back down, holding herself around her arms. She took a breath and let it out, her shivering starting to worsen.

“Why didn’t your mother do anything?” Aziraphale asked.

“Because she was scared.” Alice said. “Mum wanted to stop my father from beating us, but she kept quiet for the same reason I did. Besides, my father thought that we needed to listen to him no matter what. I think my mum sort of began to believe that after six kids and twenty six years of marriage. ‘Honor thy father and thy mother.’” She quoted. “Breaking a commandment meant absolutely the worst-“ she went pale again and her shivering worsened. Aziraphale pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and draped it around her shoulders before pulling her back into the sideways embrace.

“It’s okay my dear.” He assured. “It’s okay.”

Alice took another breath, tugging at the blanket before continuing. “If we did something that went against one of God’s commandments, we...we would...I'm sorry I just can't.”

"It's okay, darling." Aziraphale soothed. "You don't have to."

Alice looked up at him and then at Crowley. “I might have mentioned my friend Trisha to you.” She said. “When my Dad found out that she was transgender, he forbade me from seeing her again, that he didn’t want a child of God fraternizing with an abomination of Satan.” The pain in her voice made it clear how much she missed her friend. The exceptional irony of the situation was lost on her, but not on her two caretakers, who exchanged a glance. Crowley didn’t know whether to laugh or scream at the irony. “I was only twelve and I wanted to tell him I still wanted to be friends with Trisha and that I saw nothing wrong with her, but I was scared.” Her hands balled into fists. “I was so stupid. I just kept my mouth shut. I should have said something.” She sighed as Aziraphale continued to rub her shoulder and arm. Her head lolled onto Aziraphale’s shoulder, her face the absolute epitome of weariness.

“There’s more.” She said. “There’s so much more but I…I’m tired. I don’t think I can say anymore tonight.”

Aziraphale swiveled himself so he was facing her and asked if he could hug her properly. She nodded and he pulled her into a tight embrace. “You don’t have to say anything more.” He said as he gently patted her back. She winced at the touch, but Aziraphale didn’t see. “Thank you for telling us, that was especially brave of you.”

Alice sighed, nestling slightly into Aziraphale’s shoulder. The three of them were silent for perhaps ten minutes, taking in what had just been said. Alice stayed nestled against Aziraphale’s shoulder. Crowley could tell that while she still didn’t completely trust them, that there were still walls up, one of them had come down and she was beginning to feel safe. There was still a long way to go, but they were still taking this one step at a time, and Alice was beginning to step along with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Hello! How are you all? I'm feeling particularly hyper today but ultimately I'm feeling really good. My parents came to visit me on campus yesterday and they brought the dogs and we had Indian food and watched Good Omens and it was just a really fun time. And my birthday is on Tuesday (which is why they visited) and I'm excited and also the play is going really well and just in general feeling great.  
> So how are you guys? I hope you liked that chapter. Kudos and comments are always appreciated. Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely day


	12. Chapter 12

The phone rang, sending a shrill toll all through the flat. There were some days that damn thing really got on Crowley’s nerves. Then again, they had helped inspire the invention the landline phone to annoy humans by having it be the most annoying method of communication since carrier pigeons, so they had no one to blame but themselves.

“I’ll get it.” Aziraphale said, putting down his knitting. He looked over at Alice, who was beginning to get the hang of the basic stitch (the angel had picked up knitting a few years ago and had tried to get Crowley into it with no luck. When he heard that Alice’s gran had taught her to crochet but never taught her how to knit, Aziraphale was ecstatic to take her on as a student). “Keep practicing and I’ll see your progress after I’m done on the phone.” Alice gave him a little nod before going back to focussing on her project.

Aziraphale walked out to the kitchen and picked up the phone.

“Hullo…Oh Anathema, how nice to hear from you!…Yes she’s just in the den, I’ll go get her.” He put the phone down and walked back out to the living room. “Alice, it’s Anathema, she says she’d like to speak to you.” Alice set down her knitting, looking a bit nervous as she went out to meet Aziraphale in the kitchen. “I’m sure it’ll be fine, dear.” He assured as she picked up the phone.

“Hello?…Yes I’m doing fine, thank you for asking. How are you?…That’s good. And Newt?…Glad to hear it. What is it you needed?…R-Really?! That’s great news!… Yes I’d be happy to meet with them!…Tomorrow afternoon works perfectly for me!…Oh that’s great as well…should I…oh I don’t need one? Okay… Should we meet at a cafe or at the bookshop or…video call?…No no that works for me as long as it works for them…Yes I think Crowley has a laptop, I’ll be sure to ask them…okay. Thank you. And you’ll be in the chat as well?…Great…Perfect, sounds lovely…Tomorrow at 2:30? Okay, see you then.” Crowley heard a small click as Alice set the phone back on the wall and she and Aziraphale walked back out into the den.

“What was that about?” Crowley asked, putting their mobile back into their pocket.

“Anathema says she has some friends who would be willing to adopt the baby.” Alice chirped.

“Oh that’s wonderful news!” Aziraphale said, a bright smile coming to his face.

“Yeah, she told me that her friend Maya and her husband have been thinking about adopting for a while and when Anathema told her about me, she was over the moon.” It was clear Alice was excited, but there was something else underneath it. Something Crowley couldn’t quite put their finger on. But for the moment, they were just happy that some good news had finally come Alice’s way.

“So what’s the plan gonna be?” They asked.

Alice looked a little embarrassed at the question. “Oh, well I was wondering if I could borrow your laptop…” Her voice trailed. “I…I’m sorry, never mind I can…erm…I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay, kid.” They said as gently as they could manage. “I’m happy to let you use it. What d’you need it for?”

Alice gave them a grateful little smile. “Anathema is going to set up a video call. I don’t really see the need to, though. I’m happy to meet them in person, but if they’re uncomfortable with it, then I’ll do whatever is good for them.”

The next day, at 2:25, Crowley set their laptop on the coffee table in the living room, pulling up the link to the video call that Anathema had sent them the previous evening. As the loading message appeared on the screen, they noticed that Alice’s leg was fidgeting slightly. They couldn’t tell if it was because she was excited or nervous.

“You doin’ alright kid?” They asked.

Alice nodded, not meeting their eyes. “Yeah. ‘M fine.” She murmured.

They sat down on the couch next to her. “It’s okay to be nervous, you know.”

“N-nervous?” She asked. “What makes you think I’m nervous.”

“Well I’d be surprised if you weren’t.” They answered. “This is a confusing time for you.” Alice bit her lip, wringing her hands.

“I…I’m fine, really.” She insisted.

“Okay. I believe you.” Crowley said. “But if you weren’t fine,” Alice began to look nervous. Crowley gave her a smile, doing their best to ease her fears, “it wouldn’t be a problem. It’s okay to let yourself feel. It’s not gonna bother either of us. And if we know, we can help you through it.”

A thoughtful expression came over Alice’s face, though it was only for a brief moment.

“We can sit with you if you want. While you’re on the call.” Crowley offered as Aziraphale came into the living room with two mugs of cocoa.

“What do you mean?” Alice asked as Aziraphale set one mug in front of her, keeping the other for himself.

“Well this might be a bit of an overwhelming conversation you’re about to have. If you need support, we’re here.”

“Precisely.” Aziraphale agreed as he sat down on the other side of the couch.

Alice lowered her eyes. “Y-You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” She said quietly.

“We would be more than happy to, my girl.” Aziraphale assured. “But if you don’t want us to, then we won’t.”

“You’re in full control here.” Crowley said.

“It…it would be nice to have some company.” She said quietly.

“Then we’ll stay.” Aziraphale said, taking a sip of his cocoa. “But we won’t try to speak for you or make any decisions on your behalf. We’ll let you take the reins.”

“T-thank you.” She murmured. She thought for a moment before going pale and saying, “Should I have gotten a lawyer for this?”

Crowley glanced at their fiancé before looking back at Alice. “Do Anathema’s friends have a lawyer?”

Alice nodded. “She mentioned that yesterday. She said I wouldn’t need one but I’m just wondering…”

“I think you’re fine.” Crowley gave her shoulder a quick pat before looking back at their computer screen. The loading message disappeared and Anathema replaced it.

“Hey guys!” She greeted. Alice gave a shy wave.

“Good afternoon, my dear.” Aziraphale said with a warm grin.

“Maya and Ezra should be on soon. They don’t really have good internet where they live so it might take them a minute. Alice?”

“Yes?” Alice said, though it was more of a small squeak.

“You doing okay, hon?”

“Y-yes, I think so.” She thought for a moment. “J-just a bit nervous.”

Anathema gave her a sympathetic smile. “It’s okay. This is new territory for everyone involved. Don’t let yourself get too overwhelmed.”

“I’ll, erm…I’ll try not too.” In truth, Alice was already looking pretty overwhelmed, like she was considering calling the whole thing off and hiding in the guest room for the rest of the day. And if Alice did get overwhelmed during the call, it was likely she wouldn’t be able to communicate it. She had a hard enough time saying things out loud to them, saying something in front of a strange couple and a random lawyer would be even harder.

“How ‘bout this.” Crowley offered. “If you feel you need an out, just tap my wrist and I’ll come up with an excuse. That way you won’t have to stay in an uncomfortable situation longer than you need to and you don’t have to worry yourself about having all the responsibility to get yourself out.”

Alice looked up at them, her eyes wide. “Y…you’d do that?” She asked.

“Sure kid. We don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

She gave them a weak smile. “Okay.”

“One tap for needing a break, two for ending the call?” They offered.

The smile grew a little bigger. “That works.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Anathema said. A little ding sounded from her end. “That’s them.” There were a few clicks before another window appeared. Three people, two women and a man, were sitting around a small circular table. The first woman was wearing a gray blazer and her copper hair was pulled into a bun. Her well manicured hands were folded over a clipboard. The second was wearing a purple turtleneck, her dark hair cut to her ears. Her left hand was holding the man’s right, he was wearing a red flannel and a pair of black, round, glasses.

“Ana!” The woman in the purple turtleneck greeted speaking in an American accent. “It’s been so long! I missed you! How are things over in England?”

“Hey Maya.” Anathema said. “They’re good. Newt’s recovering just fine and Finn just turned six months old on Tuesday.”

“You’ve gotta send me pictures.” Maya said brightly. She looked from Anathema’s window to the one holding Alice, Crowley, and Aziraphale. “So this must be Alice?” Maya asked.

“Erm, yeah. That’s me.” Alice said nervously. Anathema nodded encouragingly.

“I’m going to switch to a private chatroom so you all can get on with everything, just shoot me a quick PM if you need to.”

“Thanks Ana.” Maya said as Anathema’s window disappeared.

“It’s, erm…it’s nice to meet you.” Alice said.

Maya gave her a welcoming smile. “Nice to meet you too. Are these your fathers?” Crowley really wanted to correct her or snap at her for misgendering them, but they let it go. They didn’t want to make this any more difficult or stressful for Alice.

“Oh, erm…” Alice looked between Crowley and Aziraphale, going slightly pale. “Well…no, erm…they’re sort of…well I mean they…”

Aziraphale put a hand on Alice’s shoulder. “We’re fostering Alice, supporting her until she’s back on her feet. I’m Aziraphale, this is my fiancé, Crowley.” The demon nodded at the couple behind the screen.

“Well, glad to meet you too.” Maya said.

“So, Alice, a few questions to start off with,” the woman in the gray blazer who must have been the lawyer said. Crowley was a bit annoyed that she just flat out said that Alice had to answer the questions rather than asking if she was okay with it.

“O-okay.” Alice said.

“First off, how far along are you?”

Alice reached for her mug of cocoa, taking a sip. “Four and a half months.”

The lawyer scribbled something down on her clipboard. “And you’ve been taking prenatal vitamins?”

“Yes, every morning.” Alice answered.

“Good to hear. Getting enough exercise and eating healthy?”

"As best as I can." Alice murmured. The lawyer pursed her lips and scribbled something else onto the clipboard.

“When do you think you’ll be due?” Maya asked.

“Um, around the middle of July?” Alice answered. “I’m not really sure…I haven’t…I mean I can’t…I haven’t seen a doctor since I found out I was pregnant.” It was a quiet and timid admission.

“So you haven’t been able to find out if the baby is healthy or not?” The lawyer asked. Her tone was perfectly neutral but Crowley could pick up some accusatory undertones.

“I erm...I can’t afford doctors…I’m sorry…”

Crowley put their hand on Alice’s shoulder as well. “Remember we’re keeping Alice as a priority here.” They said. If they hadn’t been wearing their sunglasses, the couple and the lawyer would have noticed their narrowed eyes.

“What my fiancé means is that we’re currently seeing to Alice.” Aziraphale interjected, keeping his tone as non threatening as he could. “She wasn’t in the best of health when we found her so we’re making sure she’s alright before anything else. We’re prioritizing her health.”

“Over the baby’s?” The man asked. His voice was more confused than accusing but Crowley still wasn’t happy.

“Well, without Alice, there is no baby.” Aziraphale said, his tone shifting to a more neutral sound.

The wife shifted nervously. “Well, we’re happy to pay for any and all future doctor’s appointments. We do want to make sure you’re healthy, Alice, but we also want to make sure the baby is developing properly.”

“Erm, right…O-of course.” Alice was biting her lip and looking around the room nervously. Crowley moved their hand from Alice’s shoulder to their knee, presenting their wrist so it was in full view of Alice but out of sight from the couple and the lawyer. She made no move to tap their wrist, but she was beginning to look nervous.

“So we have all the adoption paperwork here for you to fill out,” the lawyer went on, “we can send it to you so you can sign it and then you can send it back to us. Once you get a more narrow estimation for you due date, we’ll be able to schedule a time for Ezra and Maya to come to England-”

“Hang on a second.” Crowley interrupted. “Alice hasn’t agreed to anything yet. Don’t you think we should get everything on the table before she goes signing any paperwork?”

Alice folded her hands in her lap, her left thumb worrying at her right knuckle.

The lawyer pursed her lips. “Yes I suppose so.”

“Alice, did you have any questions for us?” Maya said, shifting nervously, looking at her lawyer.

“Erm, yes.” She said. “Were are you two from?”

“We live in Pennsylvania. That’s in America. I met Anathema in middle school but my family and I moved here shortly after my junior year of high school.

“Okay. Erm how would visits work? Would I come to you or would you come to me? I mean, I’d likely have to come to America, traveling with a baby probably isn’t easy.”

The three people on the other screen were quiet.

“O-or we could alternate. I visit America one year and you and the baby could come to England the next…or…or we could do video calls like this…I wouldn’t…mind…”

The awkward silence was almost deadly. Crowley was sincerely hoping what they were thinking wasn’t real but they had a sneaking suspicion they were wrong.

“Visits?” Maya asked.

“Erm, yes.” Alice said. “I do still want to be a part of my baby’s life. Even if I only see them one day a year, or every other year, I still want to see them.”

“Anathema didn’t tell you?”

“D-didn’t tell me what?” Alice stammered.

Maya typed a message that the three of them couldn’t see and after a few seconds, Anathema’s window popped up again.

“What’s going on?” She asked.

“Anathema, I thought you told Alice that we wanted a closed adoption.”

Crowley felt Alice go stiff next to them.

Anathema looked puzzled. “You never told me that.”

“Oh, whoops.” Maya said, just as casually as if she’d forgotten to buy milk. “Well, now it’s out on the table, best to get it out as soon as possible.” She took her husband’s hand. “Ezra and I felt that it would be best if the baby didn’t have contact until they were eighteen. You know, old enough to understand. All this.”

“So…so I wouldn’t be able to see them? At all?” Alice’s voice was weak, the question was so fragile it was almost broken.

Ezra cleared his throat. “We honestly didn’t expect you to opt for an open adoption.”

“So it’s not an option?” Alice said, her voice even quieter.

“Well, we live all the way in the states and you’re all the way in England, visits would be difficult and videoing with someone the baby hardly knows would likely be confusing for them.”

Crowley was almost growling. “You think they wouldn’t understand they were adopted? That their birth mum still wanted to see them? Kids are smarter than you give them credit for.”

Ezra adjusted his glasses. “Listen, sir-“

“Mx.” Crowley corrected flatly.

“Mx.” Ezra repeated. “The baby would already have a complicated enough life, we don’t want to make things more confusing for them.”

“If you want, Alice, we can lower the age to fifteen, so you can see them a little sooner.” Maya offered.

Alice looked at Crowley and then at Aziraphale. Both of them were looking at her, giving her as supportive expressions as they could manage. She still had the reins.

“I…I’d still like to see them before…if that’s an option…”

Aziraphale gave Alice’s shoulder a little squeeze.

“We’re sorry, but fifteen-years-old is as low as Ezra and Maya are willing to go.” The lawyer said cooly.

“If that’s okay with you.” Maya cut in.

Alice sighed, looking crestfallen.

“As low as you’re willing to go?” Crowley asked, utterly appalled. “This is a human child we’re talking about, a full on life, we’re not bidding on a kitchen set. Not something you can manipulate and finagle so it’s more convenient. Alice is carrying a kid, making a human being. If you ask me, she should have the right to see them if she wants it.”

“I think if Alice wants to negotiate that, she can say so herself.” The lawyer said, not looking up from her clipboard.

“She _has_ been saying it.” Aziraphale cut in. “She’s said it three times now.”

The lawyer looked up from her clipboard, straight at Alice, who was beginning to tremble. “Alice, is that really what you want? Are you absolutely, positively, 100% sure that you want to be in the baby’s life? You want to spend your time and money to go visit them halfway across the world? You’re still just a teenager. You’ll have enough on your plate to worry about with school and jobs and adult life in a few short years. Are you certain you want to add that on top of everything? Think very carefully about this.”

Crowley kept their eyes on the screen, though they noticed that everyone else was staring squarely at Alice, who was beginning to sweat. This wasn’t fair to the poor kid. She didn’t need this kind of pressure and she most definitely didn’t need to be put on the spot like this.

The demon shifted their arm so their wrist was slightly more prominent. The movement caught Alice’s eye fo a moment and she reached for her mug of cocoa on the table. She took a sip and put the mug back, lowering her hand to her side. Two taps were laid on Crowley’s wrist. That was all they needed.

“Sorry to cut this short, but my fiancé has customers.”

"Mx. Crowley, we're not done here-" the lawyer started

"Yes we are." Crowley said with an air of finality.

"Alright, but the offer is still on the table. If Alice is willing to accept it."

“Just think about it for a little, Alice.” Maya said sweetly.

Alice nodded, a numb expression on her face. Crowley clicked a button and their window as well as Anathema’s disappeared. The three of them breathed a sigh of relief, though Alice still looked dismal, running her hand over the bump on her middle. Her stomach was slightly larger than it was when she’d first started staying with them, which meant the growing child inside her was getting harder to ignore, becoming much more real. Alice kept her hand over her stomach as if she moved it, someone would try to take the baby away before it was even born. So many emotions danced on her face, mixing into an annoying mess of indecision.

“Alice?” Azirpahale prompted. “Are you alright, dear?”

“I erm…I-I need to think.” She said, the emotion on her face dwindling away to a blank look.

“Alright, my dear.” Aziraphale said.

“You want us to give you some privacy?” Crowley asked.

“No, it’s erm…well…actually…” she took a breath, steadying herself. “…could I use the kitchen? Please? I erm…I usually can think better when I’m baking something.”

“Of course, love.” Aziraphale said, giving her a smile as she walked out of the living room and into the kitchen.

The angel sighed as he sat back against the couch, looking at his fiancé.

“Well that certainly could have gone better.”

The two let Alice alone in the kitchen while she baked, giving her some space. Crowley wanted to punch those wankers for how condescending they were to Alice. “If that’s okay with you”. What the hell was that supposed to mean? They weren’t even giving her the option of course it wasn’t bloody okay with her.

About fifteen minutes after the video conference, Anathema called them again, apologizing profusely and insisting that she had no idea that they were set on a closed adoption, how she should have asked, that she didn’t mean to put Alice in such a difficult position, how she was sorry that they were both so rude to her, and a variety of other things. Crowley was more than a little pissed at her, but Azirpahale insisted that she couldn’t have known and that it wasn’t her fault. Alice wasn’t mad at her either, but Crowley suspected that Alice wouldn’t get mad at anyone. The kid was too sweet to really get that heated about much. Anathema informed them that after they left the call, she had a long discussion with her “friends” about how they shouldn’t have put Alice on the spot or talked down to her like that. Maya had said she was sorry that she didn’t mention that when Anathema had contacted her, but they weren’t willing to budge. If Alice wanted to let them adopt the baby, then she would have to give up any and all right to see her child until they were fifteen. Anathema apologized again and promised that she would try and get them to see reason, but Alice let it go, telling her not to push herself to hard on her account. After she hung up, she returned to her baking, her face numb the entire time.

Crowley could feel the guilt and indecision in the air and it was a little heartbreaking. Alice just wanted what was best for the baby, but it appeared that what was best for them was keeping her out of their life for fifteen years. It lessened after a while, not going away completely but lowering to a level that was easier to manage. Letting Alice take some time to herself certainly helped her mood and as soon as the biscuits she made went into the oven, she seemed to be a little calmer. She still didn’t want to speak about what just happened, but she was definitely doing better than before.

They silently ate dinner and helped themselves to a few of the biscuits before settling on the couch to watch a film. When Alice let it slip that _Prince of Egypt_ was one of her favorite movies, Crowley quickly searched it up. They felt it was a decent enough movie, the music and animation were stellar, but the story was a bit off, for one thing Moses was not that much of a little shit in real life. But they figured Alice could use something to get her mind off the shit show from that afternoon. At first it seemed to work, until they got to the part where Moses’s mother set him in the basket.

“ _Hush now, my baby._ _Be still love, don’t cry._

_Sleep as you’re rocked by the stream_

_Sleep and remember my last lullaby_

_So I’ll be with you when you dream._

_River. O river._ _Flow gently for me._

_Such precious cargo you bear._

_Do you know somewhere he can live free?_

_River deliver him there._ ”

Crowley heard a little sniffle next to them and when they glanced at Alice, they noticed there were tears in her eyes. They paused the movie and turned to face her.

“You alright kid?” They asked.

“Y-yeah, I…I’m fine. I’m sorry I started crying. I didn’t mean to bother you.” She said, twisting her thumb.

“Now, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Aziraphale assured, pulling a handkerchief from his pocket. Alice took it and began to wipe her eyes.

“Sorry, it’s just... I love this movie, but every time that scene comes on, I just start crying. Have ever since I was little. I don’t know why, just something I do. I'm sorry I-I know it's annoying and I can try to stop and...” another sniffle cut off the rest of her sentence.

Azirpahale put his arm around her, gently rubbing her shoulder. “You're not unjustified for crying. It is a rather emotional moment. She knows it’s what’s best to keep her child safe, but she won’t get to see him…” The angel trailed off as he watched Alice. She was looking down at herself, a pensive look on her face. She set her hand on her belly and a little gasp came from her. The additional aura that Crowley sometimes sensed, the one coming from deep inside Alice, usually was fairly weak or quiet, but as soon as Alice put her hand on her bump, it grew a touch stronger. A little burst of energy pulsed from it along with a strange emotion. Crowley couldn't really put to words what exactly it was, but it was strong. A fresh wave of tears came to Alice’s eyes that she did her best to keep back.

“Come here, love.” Azirpahale cooed, pulling her into an embrace as she quietly sobbed. Crowley set their hand on her back, doing their best to assure her that they were there to support her, but not exactly sure what to do, they usually weren’t very good at being comforting. With their free hand, they picked up the remote and fast forwarded to the next scene waiting for Alice to calm down a bit before continuing to play the movie.

The rest of the evening passed without too much event, Alice nodded off by the time they’d reached the ten plagues and didn’t wake up until Moses parted the Red Sea. They finished the movie and bid Alice a good night. Throughout the entire sequence, Azirpahale had a look on his face. Crowley recognized that look. He had something on his mind and it was something big.

“You doing alright, Angel?” They asked as the pulled on their black tank top and sweatpants.

Azirpahale sighed, looking at his fiancé. “Darling, I have an idea. But I wanted to ask you about it first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact about me, Alice and I both share the inability to watch the beginning of _Prince of Egypt_ without crying. It's been like that ever since I was little and if my mother ever wants to push my buttons, she always just looks at me and starts singing "Hush now my baby" because she knows I get embarrassed by how easily it makes me cry.  
> But anyway, I hope you liked that chapter. Poor Alice has been through so much crap...and it ain't even close to over (this poor kid) but what is Aziraphale planning? Well, you'll have to stick around if you want to find out (though if any of you have any guesses, I'd love to hear them. I won't confirm anything but I'd still love to hear them). Also, I am by no means a lawyer so if I got any of the legal process about this kind of stuff wrong, I deeply apologize.  
> Things on my end have been pretty good. Tuesday is the last day of the play I'm in, we recorded everything since we weren't allowed to meet in person to record/perform and the last day of recording is on Tuesday so we're all going to get together for a socially distant cast party and I'm planning on baking cookies (another things I have in common with Alice is I love baking). This author's note is getting rather lengthy so I'll just say that kudos and comments are so very appreciated I always love hearing what you folks have to say. Thank you for reading and have a lovely day.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Nightmares, PTSD, panic attacks, and self deprecation. Please take care of your mental health

Aziraphale had been out for a few hours, mentioned something about meeting with a seller who had some kind of rare first edition or something, meaning Crowley and Alice had the place to themselves. Sunday afternoons for Crowley usually meant they would finish lunch, clean up, and take an afternoon snooze on the couch. However it seemed that Alice had beaten them to it. As soon as the two of them finished cleaning up, Alice had gone over to read a few more chapters of one of the pregnancy books Anathema had given her but after a little, her eyes had begun to drift closed and she was dozing soundly. Crowley cracked a smirk and sat in the nearby armchair, fiddling on their mobile.

It had been three and a half weeks since Alice had popped into their lives. Things were still uncertain, but they were moving at a fairly manageable pace, though some things were easier to think about and manage than others. Alice had no idea what kind of future she had ahead of her, what she would do when she decided to move on and find a place of her own or what she would do for a job. Aziraphale had offered to let her work at the bookshop for as long as she needed but Crowley knew that while Aziraphale was a generous employer, if Alice wanted to make enough to live on, she would need more than one job (there were times Crowley wished they weren’t so good at what they did. Fucking up the job market for young workers was one of their projects, now they regretted it just as much as the bloody M25). But she was only sixteen, she hadn’t finished secondary school _and_ she had a baby on the way. Aziraphale liked to be optimistic but Crowley knew that employers could be real wankers when they put their minds to it, to young employees, inexperienced employees and _especially_ to women with children (whether they were active in their children's lives or not). What on earth was that poor kid going to do?

Alice still hadn’t let anything slip about her home life since the discussion the three of them had after she babysat Finn. She was still bottling things up, that much Crowley could tell, but they weren’t gonna force her to spill anymore. Just talking about what her dad did to her and her niece had taken a fair amount out of her. Not to mention the meeting with Anathema's "friends" (though the witch informed them that she was seriously considering her friendship) had caused Alice a good deal of stress as well and she needed to think about the baby. Too much stress wasn’t good for either of them.

Crowley’s thoughts were interrupted by a whimper. When they looked up from their mobile, they noticed Alice was trembling and, though her eyes were still closed, her brows were knit and there was a look of fear on her face.

“No. I’m sorry. Please don’t.” She murmured.

“Alice? Alice what is it?” Crowley said, getting up from the couch and sitting by Alice.

“Please!” Alice whimpered. “I won’t do it again!”

Crowley gently shook Alice’s shoulder, “Alice, c’mon wake up!”

With a final little cry, Alice woke, trembling and looking around the room, questioning her surroundings. When her gaze fell on Crowley, she flinched, terror filling her eyes.

“S’okay, kid. It’s just me. You’re okay.”

“C-Crowley?” They nodded, rubbing her shoulder again. “I-it was so dark and I-" She quickly shut mouth, her trembling growing worse by the second.

“You were having a nightmare. Take a few breaths for me, ‘kay?” Alice obliged, breathing deeply. “You wanna talk about it?” Alice shook her head rapidly. “Okay. Do you need anything? Tea?A blanket?”

Alice shook her head again, but it was much slower this time. “Well…I…w-would…no, never mind. It’s silly.”

“Don’t do that.” Crowley said.

“D-don’t do what?” Alice stammered, going as pale as a sheet of paper.

“Don’t try and downplay your pain or what you want just because you think it’ll make me angry.” They sighed. “It won’t, by the way.”

“I…I don’t want to bother you.”

“Alice.” Crowley shifted themself so the girl was facing them. “You are not now, nor have you ever been or ever will be a burden. Not to me, not to Aziraphale, not to anyone. Don't let anybody tell you differently. If you want something, you can ask. It won’t bother me.” A look of indecision came over her face as she dropped her eyes. "The people who mind don't matter. And the people who matter don't mind." They said gently

Alice sighed, the usual shame-filled expression coming over her face, and Crowley began to think maybe they’d pushed her too far. Aziraphale had been reminding them to be gentle with her (but that was easier said than done for a demon). Even still, they were aware that sometimes she didn’t want to share what was on her mind, not because she felt she would burden them or that they would hurt her for being upset. Sometimes, they knew, she simply just didn’t want to talk, that she felt better just being left alone.

“If you don’t want to ask, it’s okay, I won’t force you.”

She looked back up at them, a questioning look in her eyes. Aziraphale had described that look the first time she’d told him she didn’t want to tell him what was on her mind. She had questioned that he would value her privacy and now she was questioning if Crowley would value her request. She was about to roll the dice again.

“You’re sure you won’t think it’s stupid?”

“Try me.” Crowley said.

She bit her lip. “W-would…would you sit with me? For a little?” Crowley was a little taken aback by the request. They weren’t exactly the most personable being they knew and based on how they dressed and acted, most people rightfully assumed that they weren’t exactly soft or cuddly. In fact they were fairly sure that Alice was downright terrified of them the first time she encountered them (of course, she thought that they were going to kick her out so it wasn't without reason). So when she asked if they would sit with her, they weren’t sure that they’d heard her correctly.

Alice took their silence as a refusal. “You don’t have to. I don’t want to force you.”

“No, no it’s alright. I’ll sit with you. If you’re okay with it.” Alice gave them a weak smile as they put their arm on the back of the couch and she settled into them, picking up her book again, though she was still trembling.

Crowley took their mobile out again and things were quiet for the most part, until Alice said, ”It was about my dad.” It was quiet, but Crowley could still hear the quaver in her voice. “Sometimes when I wouldn’t do what he wanted, he would beat me with a belt or a shoe or lock me in the closet. Most of the time I…it’s silly.”

“Hey, ’s alright.” Crowley said, wrapping their arm around her, all the while a rage was boiling in their chest. It was ridiculous how terrible people could be and still think they’re doing something in the name of God. They were a demon and even _they_ weren’t that despicable.

“I…I didn’t want to be scared of him. H-he’s my dad after all. B-but I…maybe if I was a little stronger, if I wasn’t such a disobedient child then he wouldn’t have felt the need to punish me so much.”

”That’s not how it works.” Crowley said, trying to keep the anger out of their voice. “Being beaten or locked in a closet is not how you’re supposed to discipline a child. That’s not love, it’s flexing of power.” Alice began trembling again, the look of shame coming back over her face. “And it’s also not your fault. Yeah you shouldn’t have to be scared of him but that’s not on you, it’s on him. Good parents don’t get respect from their kids out of fear. But you’re not weak for feeling afraid. That’s not fair to you.” Alice was now shaking so much Crowley thought she was about to have another panic. As quickly but gently as they could, they grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders, the way Aziraphale did whenever he comforted Alice. It seemed to work whenever he did, so Crowley hoped it would work when they tried it. Alice was caught off guard for a moment, but slowly the quivering died down as she ran her fingers over the soft texture of the blanket.

Crowley may not have considered themself soft or cuddly, but they at least didn’t like to see suffering when it was underserved. Most of the time when they did something that Aziraphale would call kind, they tried to reconcile it as a temptation or act of malice in the back of their mind. But when it came to people who were suffering and didn’t deserve it, especially people who had suffered since childhood, their heart broke slightly. Which is why they found themself holding their arms out to Alice. They didn’t think she would accept an embrace from them, after all, they hadn’t been as welcoming as Aziraphale, but she leaned into them, letting the warmth from their arms envelope her. “You won’t have to go back there.” Crowley assured. “You’re safe here.”

* * * * *

Aziraphale was already in the kitchen starting on breakfast when Crowley woke up. She was feeling groggy and a little grumpy and, if she were being perfectly honest, did _not_ want to get up that morning. But she’d never hear the end of it if she spent the whole day in bed, so she slowly got up and got dressed.

The hallway smelled of eggs and sausage, reminding Crowley just how hungry she was, but her thoughts were pulled away from food as she passed by the washroom. Alice was standing at the sink staring at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was out of its usual ponytail and half of it was hanging down her back with the other half over her shoulder with her running her fingers through the light brown locks. At first Crowley thought she was just doing her hair for the day until she saw the stoic expression on her face. She looked confused and even a little frustrated.

Crowley poked her head through the open door. “Everything alright?” She asked.

Alice sighed. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

Crowley stepped further in. “You sure? You don’t look fine to me.” Alice gulped, nervous at the accusation. “I didn’t mean for that to be so snippy. Sorry about that.”

“It’s alright.” Alice said quietly. “And you’re right. I’m not really fine.”

“So what’s on your mind?”

Alice sighed. “I’m not really used to my hair being this long.” She murmured. “It’s silly.”

“You’re doing it again.” Crowley gently reminded. Alice went slightly red. Crowley and Aziraphale would assure her as many times as needed that she could come to them with anything and that she didn’t need to downplay her pain around them, but they also knew that simply putting a bandaid on things wouldn’t fix them. She wouldn’t trust them not to push her away or not to be angry just because they said so.

One step at a time.

“You can talk to me if you want.” Crowley urged. Alice sighed. “You don’t have to, but I’m here if you want to talk.”

Alice looked up, meeting Crowley’s eyes in the mirror, at least as best as she could while Crowley was wearing her sunglasses.

She took a breath and let it out. “Dad never let Mum or me and my sisters have long hair.” She said. “We were only allowed to keep it shoulder length. Any shorter would have appeared degenerative, any longer would have been a temptation for men.” Crowley almost snorted at how backwards her father’s views were. “Even then we still had to keep our hair in a ponytail. He didn’t want us to look like…well, whores.”

Aziraphale had essentially banned that word from their house, mostly because it was one of the few words he absolutely despised, and mostly because the only person who said it was Alice, and it was often aimed at herself.

Crowley didn’t think that was fair of Alice’s dad. Being a teenager was already full to bursting with insecurity, Alice didn’t need her judgmental parents adding their two cents to the mix.

“Well if you ask me,” Crowley said, “I’d say you look lovely with long hair.” It was a temptation towards vanity, Crowley told herself. Alice gave her a little smile before her face fell again.

“Thank you.” She murmured. “But that’s not what’s got me bothered.”

Crowley looked quizzically at Alice’s reflection in the mirror before her gaze shifted to the hairbrush sitting on the counter.

“May I?” She said gesturing to the brush. Alice nodded as Crowley picked it up and began gently running it through Alice’s locks.

“I like the way I look. I’ve never seen myself with my hair this long before. I like how it looks on me.”

“So what’s the problem?” Crowley asked, gently working out one of the knots.

Alice sighed. “I was told from a really early age that confidence leads to vanity or to pride. In other words, it leads to sin.”

When her hair was nice and smooth, Crowley separated it into three strands, starting about halfway up her head and weaving them in gradually.

“Dad always told me that the mark of a truly pious woman was humility.” Alice continued. “She does nothing to draw attention to herself and she never thinks herself as higher than anyone else. Dad wanted us to be like that.”

Crowley began to gently weave the strands together into a long plait.

“I like how I look, but for some reason that feels…wrong.” She sighed again.

“There’s nothing wrong with liking how you look.” Crowley said. “You can be confident and still be a good person.” Alice sighed. “They say it’s what’s on the inside that counts, right?” Alice nodded, well as best as she could with Crowley’s fingers working at her hair. “So why should this be any different? If they say it doesn’t matter what you look like as long as you’re a good person on the inside, then why not like the way you look?” Still a temptation. Yep. Definitely not trying to boost the girl’s confidence.

“I don’t know.” Alice admitted. “Maybe it’s because…” she paused, going slightly pale. Crowley gathered the strands in one hand, leaving her her hand free as she gently set it on Alice’s shoulder. Alice looked up, meeting Crowley’s eyes in the mirror. The demon gave the girl her best reassuring smile and nodded. Alice took another breath and let it out. “…because every time I feel confident or think about how I like how I look, I can hear my dad’s voice in the back of my mind telling me that pride leads to sin and sin leads to an eternity in hell. If I want to be a sinner, then I don’t have to live under his roof.” The mention of her previous place of employment made Crowley cringe visibly, thankfully if Alice did notice, she just chalked it up to the usual reaction Crowley or Aziraphale had when she talked about her father.

“I can stop talking about this if it makes you uncomfortable.” Alice said.

Crowley went back to braiding, her eyes focussed on her task and not on how much she wanted to rip Alice’s dad a new one. “I’m fine, kid. Go on.”

“That’s basically all there is to it.” Alice said. “It happens every time I look in the mirror. I look in the mirror and think I look pretty, and then I hear dad’s voice and well,” she gestured to her morose expression. “This happens.”

Crowley tied off the end of the braid and reached into her pocket, using a quick miracle to conjure up a little clip-in hair bow, navy blue and black with a pattern that looked like brightly colored space dust and hundreds of little twinkling stars.

“I don’t know how helpful this’ll be,” she said as she clipped the bow onto the back of Alice’s head, just where the braid began to weave in with more locks of hair, “but confidence isn’t a sin.” She thought for a moment before saying something she never thought she’d say. “God made you in Their own image right?”

Alice raised an eyebrow. “Erm…yeah?”

“So wouldn’t it be a sin to think lesser about yourself? As a creation of God? Wouldn’t you be saying that something God created is not worthy of praise?” Never in her millennia of existence did Crowley ever think she’d be saying something that advocated or sounded at all supportive of God. If she were still working for hell, that would have earned her the mother of all tortures. But Alice simply offered a weak smile.

“Hm. I guess so.”

Crowley finished clipping the bow into place. “There we go.” Alice looked up at herself in the mirror. Crowley had twisted some of the locks before weaving them in with the rest of the braid, making a lovely textured pattern on either side of Alice’s head, running just behind her ears. Alice turned her head to the right and then to the left, taking in Crowley’s work, a smile coming across her face.

“Now tell me what you see.” Crowley said.

Alice gave her a confused look but obliged. “Erm…light brown hair, pale skin, green eyes, freckles, a thin mouth…”

“Yeah, those are all there, but that’s not what I mean. Try again. What do you see?”

Alice sighed, a small trace of a cheeky smile coming to her face. She understood. “I see someone beautiful.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S A P P Y. I'm pretty sure we all know by this point that Crowley likes to pretend that they're a hardass, but in reality they're a softie.  
> Hey look, I'm projecting again. For the first several years of my life, and still a fair bit to this day, I was really self councils of my body and the way I look. Whenever anyone else would say that I was pretty, I just wouldn't believe them. Funny, when the roles were reversed, I'd heap on tons of praise to whoever was feeling down. I could dish it out but really couldn't take it. I won't lie and say my confidence is rock solid now but it's definitely better than it was five years ago and I count that as a blessing. And if any of you are struggling with your self esteem as well, y'al are gorgeous, and trust me I'm a very good judge (I don't even need to see you to know you a stunner, that's how sure I am).  
> Anyway, this week has been uber stressful but I can't thank you guys enough for your words of support in the comments of my other stories. You guys make me feel so loved.  
> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, kudos and comments are very much appreciated. Thank you for reading and have a very lovely day.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Screw it! I don't have class today, so have another chapter. Y'all deserve it
> 
> CW: Physical abuse, derogatory names, miscarriage (she doesn't actually lose the baby, calm down), and blood (there's a bit of art included in this chapter that's a bit bloody). Please take care of yourselves

It was a lazy Thursday morning, though it was slowly crawling towards afternoon. Aziraphale had stepped out to pick up some lunch for the three of them and Crowley was just upstairs tending to his plants, leaving Alice alone in the bookshop restocking some of the shelves. She honestly didn’t understand why Aziraphale needed to rearrange his books every day. The system he had (if one could even call it that) was so confusing it was a wonder he managed to get any business at all.

There had been two customers that day, but they’d decided the bookshop didn’t have what they were looking for and quickly left perhaps five minutes after they’d stepped in. If she were being honest, Alice didn’t really mind. She rather liked having time to herself. It gave her more time to read. _Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_ was starting to get really good and she’d even found some recipe books that she’d thumbed through. She was thinking of baking something a little more ambitious next time, after all Aziraphale greatly enjoyed sweets and she was hoping to show her appreciation towards him and Crowley whenever possible, even though she knew she didn't deserve their kindness.

She sighed. Aziraphale had been gently nudging her thoughts in the other direction, letting her know that she’d done nothing wrong and that she didn’t need to be so harsh on herself, but she knew better. She knew she was a sinner and she needed repentance. Doing good deeds was the on the milder side of repenting, but she hoped it was at least a start.

She shook those thoughts out of her head, choosing to focus on placing the books back on the shelves and humming to herself. Last week they’d gone out to lunch and Crowley had played some music form a band she’d never heard before. Well, she hadn’t heard most bands before, only church hymns and a select number of west end musicals. Anyway, he told her that the band’s name was Queen and she’d instantly gotten their song “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” stuck in her head and she’d find herself humming it when her mind wandered. So as she picked up the books and set them on the shelf, she wasn’t surprised to hear the tune coming from her throat.

The jingle of the bell over the door sounded throughout the shop. Aziraphale had only left to pick up their food ten minutes ago, he couldn’t be back so soon. So it must have been a customer.

“Just give me one minute and I’ll be there shortly.” She called as she set the last book on the shelf. She stood up, her back aching slightly from the ever growing weight on her front, and walked back to the main area of the shop. When she saw who was standing there, she froze, going pale with horror. The young man standing in the doorway took a few steps further into the shop, stepping closer to her. He’d cut his hair since the last time he’d seen her. Before it went to his shoulder, know it just barely traced his ears. He still wore that silly leather jacket and had that same smirk across his lips and wanting look in his eyes as he stared at her.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding from me, Sweet?” He said.

“D-Dylan?” She stammered. “W-what are you doing here?”

Dylan took a few steps closer. “I heard my aunt ranting at the family get together last week about how she got thrown out of a bookshop because she’d tried to put some pregnant delinquent in her place.” Alice gulped. “I simply put two and two together. And I’m here because I wanted you back. Take you home and we can start our family proper. What do you say?”

Alice’s heart hammered in her chest and she began trembling, but she somehow found her voice. “Dylan, I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“What?” Dylan snapped, his easy-going demeanor gone in an instant. “But Sweet, we were so good together. I can-"

“I didn’t love you the way you loved me. I was only with you because…” she’d never admitted this out loud before but Dylan deserved the truth, “because I wanted to feel like I had control over something. And I wanted to get back at my parents, in a way. It was a silly act of rebellion and it was cruel and irresponsible of me to get you involved like that. I’m sorry.”

Dylan stood there, taking in her words, but he didn’t even stop to ponder before he spoke up once she was done explaining. “That doesn’t matter. I can take you back and you can learn to love me, we can work this out.”

“Dylan, I said no.” Alice said, though there was a quaver in her voice.

"You're making a mistake. I can get you to see that this isn't what's right for you."

"I know what I'm doing." Alice squeaked, not doing a very good job of convincing Dylan. "And I know that we're not right for each other. Please don't make this harder than it has to be, but my mind is made up."

“You don’t say no to me!” Dylan barked as he raised his arm, smacking Alice across the cheek.

Alice had known Dylan since they were kids and had dated him for half a year and in that entire time, she’d only felt genuine fear around him once.

She felt it again now.

* * * * *

Something was wrong. Crowley could smell it. The scent of anger and lust mixed with the scent of fear and distress was overpowering. He tuned his ears and heard the sound of an argument coming from the bookshop. One of the voices was Alice’s.

Without giving himself a chance to think twice, the demon dropped the plant mister, burst from the plant room, and rushed down the stairs just to see some blonde wannabe punk slap Alice and grab her wrist.

“You listen to me! You’re coming back to my house, we’re gonna get married and raise this kid together," he set his hand on Alice's belly, an uncomfortable expression bloomed over her face, "and you’re gonna like it, you hear me?!”

Alice shivered as a whimper escaped from her.

A low snarl emerged from the back of Crowley’s throat and he began to see red as he lunged at the kid, shoving him away from Alice.

“Don’t fucking touch her!” Crowley roared.

The bell over the door jingled and Crowley looked over his shoulder just as Aziraphale walked through the door. He looked from Alice, who had was hunched over clutching her stomach protectively and breathing like she’d just run a mile, up to Crowley, who was clutching the collar of the kid’s stupid leather jacket.

“Crowley? What on earth-"

“Get Alice upstairs and help her calm down while I deal with this jackass.” Crowley said.

Aziraphale took a hold on Alice’s shoulder and arm, though she insisted she was fine, and the two began to walk towards the stairs. The punk began to struggle as Alice walked away.

“Don’t turn your back on me, you fucking slut!” The punk called after Alice. She glanced over her shoulder, her eyes betrayed how nervous she was but her face was relatively blank. Aziraphale gently directed her back towards the staircase so she was looking away from him.

“Don’t say another word to her, you little-"

“I’ll tell your dad!” The punk shouted. Alice froze in place. Though Crowley couldn’t see her face, he was sure that the collected demeanor was long gong and her fear was clear as day on her face. “I’ll tell him where you are and I’ll tell him you’re pregnant if you don’t come back with me! I swear to God I’ll fucking tell him!”

Alice’s breathing began to pick up rapidly and Crowley almost thought she was going to collapse. Aziraphale set his arm around her and took her hand as he continued to guide her up the stairs.

“Don’t listen to him, my dear. It’ll be alright.”

Soon they were out of sight and Crowley turned back to the punk, who smirked at him.

“What are _you_ gonna do, gramps? You don’t scare me.”

Crowley tightened his grip on the kid’s jacket and pulled him closer. “Don’t ever set foot in this shop again.” He growled. “If I catch you here, if you talk to Alice again, if you even _think_ about putting your hands on her like that again, I’ll shove my foot so far up your ass that you’ll have shoelaces coming out your nose.”

The look on the kid’s face went from “tough guy” to “where’s my mommy” in a matter of seconds. Christ, this kid was a wuss. Crowley hadn’t even been using full demon intimidation and he looked ready to bolt. He was honestly a little tempted to scare him further, but a groan from upstairs distracted him.

Still holding on the kid’s jacket, Crowley kicked open the door and threw him out onto the sidewalk, holding in a chuckle as he fell on his ass.

Crowley closed and locked the door behind him and raced back upstairs to find Aziraphale hunched over the crumpled form of Alice, who was kneeling with her arms wrapped around her stomach, a look of pain on her face and sweat dripping down her forehead.

“Angel? What’s happening?” Crowley asked as he knelt by Alice as well.

“I don’t know, but something’s definitely wrong.”

Alice cried out, hunching further in on herself. “It hurts!” Alice groaned.

Aziraphale took Alice’s arm, looping it around his neck and gently helping her to her feet. “Crowley, get the keys, we need to get her to the hospital.”

The sound of something dripping distracted Crowley and he noticed a thin trail of blood trickling down Alice’s leg. His eye’s widened.

“She won’t make it to the hospital, we don’t have that kind of time!” Crowley said. Aziraphale noticed the trail of blood and gasped as Crowley took Alice’s other arm. “Quick, get her over to the couch.”

The two shouldered her over to the sofa as quickly but still as carefully as they possibly could and laid her down on her back. Her entire face had gone pale and she was sweating horribly.

Crowley raced into the kitchen, stumbling slightly as his long legs were beginning to shake, and grabbed a washrag, running it under some cool water and then rushed back, blotting at Alice’s forehead.

Alice let out another groan, arching her back and crying out, “What’s happening?!”

“I think the shock was too much.” Aziraphale hypothesized, looking from Alice to Crowley. “What are we going to do?”

Crowley continued to blot the sweat away. “Angel, you’re going to have to heal her.”

“What? Crowley, I thought we-“ He was cut off by Alice, who’s groans had graduated to full on screams, the trickle of blood was starting to become a gush and she looked ready to faint.

“We don’t have a choice! If we wait any longer, she’ll lose the baby!”

Aziraphale nodded and rolled his shoulders, setting one hand on Alice’s stomach and a faint glow spread out from under his palm.

“There we are, my dear.” Aziraphale soothed. “No more pain.”The girl let out another weak cry before falling silent, the look of pain left her face and she huffed out a few exhausted breaths as Crowley continued to cool her forehead.

“Mmph…” Alice groaned again, though this time it was from exhaustion. “…what happened?” She began to sit up but Aziraphale placed his hand on her shoulder, guiding her back down.

"Take it easy, love," He said gently. "You've had quite a shock."

She blinked a few times before the realization hit her and she opened her eyes all the way, rubbing a hand on her stomach.

“H-how…how did you do that? What are…” She looked over towards Crowley and screamed, her face going white.

“What?” Crowley asked. “What’s wrong?”

“Darling,” Aziraphale murmured, “your glasses.”

Crowley reached up to his face and found that his sunglasses were gone, they must have fallen off when he stumbled.

Alice looked from Crowley to Aziraphale, mouth agape and eyes wide with terror.

“Demons.” She murmured. “You’re both demons!”

“Alice, please, before you make any assumptions, let me just-“

“Don’t come near me!” Alice screamed, leaping from the couch and shoving herself away from them.

“Alice, don’t get yourself worked up, you’ve just-“ Before Aziraphale could say another word, Alice dashed from the living room into the guest room, shutting and locking the door behind her. Less than five seconds later, Aziraphale heard her voice in his mind, praying as if her life depended on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! As preciously mentioned, I don't have class today because it's advising day. Since I'm a double major, I have two meetings, one was at 9:00 and the other is at 1:00, but I'm just glad we get the day off so I have time to catch up on my work. So far I've been really productive and it's not even noon so I thought I'd reward myself by uploading another chapter of this one (I was also going to do a bonus update for _Angel in Cinders_ but the next update is only a day away, so I can hold off). Anyway, I hope you guys are doing well and aren't too mad at me for ending the chapter this way. Poor Alice. Kid is so stressed and I'm not making it any easier on her. I hope you enjoyed that chapter, kudos and comments are always welcome and make me feel just wonderful. Thank you for reading and have a lovely day!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Reference to past abuse and starvation. Not for any particular ED but it still stems from toxic thinking. Please take care of yourselves.

Alice stayed confined in her room for the next five days. At first Aziraphale thought (well hoped seemed a more appropriate term) that it was to give herself bedrest to recover from almost losing the baby, but she would refuse to come out, even at Aziraphale’s insistence that she come out to at least get something to eat. She would never respond to him, she would only give him the same eery silence every time. He wasn’t surprised, nor did he judge her for it. After all, learning that the two people taking care of you were two supernatural beings? It was likely more of shock than her ex showing up at the bookshop. Though, oddly enough, she didn’t seem surprised by it. Well, she seemed surprised that they themselves were supernatural, but not at all surprised that entities like them indeed existed. The first conclusion she’d jumped to after all was that both of them were demons rather than trying to rationalize what had happened. He figured the best thing to do was to give her her privacy so she could process it in her own time, though that was proving to be rather worrisome.

After the first day of radio silence from her, he decided it would be best to just leave a tray by her door. It was unlikely that she would want to join them for meals, but she still needed to eat. When he returned for the tray a few hours later, he was distraught to find it untouched. When he brought her dinner later that evening, he heard an odd thump come from inside her room but didn’t question it. When he came to pick the tray up again, only a small amount of food and the glass of water had been taken.

It continued like this. Alice would eat very little, if anything at all, hardly slept, and she prayed fervently. It almost gave Aziraphale a headache with her voice constantly going off in his head, and it broke his heart to hear what she would say.

_Lord, I know I am unworthy of Thy love, I have sinned, I have caused Thee great shame and anger and I have done great wrongs. I understand that being at the mercy of two demons is a fitting punishment for a sinner such as myself. But I beg of Thee. I am not strong enough to bear this punishment. I humbly ask for…no. I should not ask for anything. I’ve already sinned enough as is. I…I thank Thee for Thy mercy that this is my punishment. You could have caused me to suffer greatly for my wrong doings, but instead You granted me this. I do not deserve such mercy or kindness. If this is a test, I ask that I be granted the strength to pass so I may one day enter paradise…no, I am a sinner, unworthy of paradise. If it is Thy will that I endure this punishment, then I shall endure. Whatever these demons have in store for me, I shall endure. Whatever the future holds, I shall endure. Do with me as You will._

This was always the nature of her prayers. When she wasn’t saying decades of the rosary over and over again, she would ask for forgiveness and say that she repented her sins and shortcomings. It reminded Aziraphale of the kind of religious officials who would starve or whip themselves in public to be “worthy of God’s grace” or something else ludicrous like that _._ Aziraphale never could stand those self righteous bastards. If they wanted God’s love and forgiveness, all they had to do was follow Her rules, and all those rules boiled down to was to simply be kind to one another, that didn’t seem too hard to him. They didn’t need to harm themselves to feel they’d done something right, and they certainly shouldn’t have to think themselves as higher or lower than somebody else, there was no heavenly hierarchy. Well there were for angels but not souls righteous enough to enter heaven. But then again, they were humans. They tended to find ways to complicate things.

Besides, Alice didn’t seem to think that way because she felt if she were hard on herself others would perceive her as more righteous. She genuinely seemed to believe that she was a sinner, not just a sinner but the worst kind, who deserved every bad thing that happened to her in her life.

After the fifth day, when Alice had once again left her dinner tray untouched and had spent nearly an hour straight in prayer, Aziraphale decided it was time the two of them had a talk.

He used a quick miracle to set the food in a plastic container in the fridge and knocked on Alice’s door.

“Please leave me alone.” She said, her voice sounded weak.

“Alice, dear I think we need to talk.”

There was a shuffling from behind the door, the sound of something being quickly moved around. “I said leave me alone.”

“Alice, please, I’m worried about you. Please let me in.”

There was a sigh from the other side of the door. “If you want to come in, fine. But I’m not unlocking the door.”

With a thought, the lock clicked and Aziraphale opened the door. He found Alice sitting on her bed, looking at him like she were stuck in a cage with a tiger. Her eyes followed his every move and, though it could have been from extreme hunger or sleep deprivation, she looked to be trembling.

Her appearance was almost as poor as it was a month ago when he found her. Her eyes were sunken and her face gaunt. She was sweating and looked rather ill but still she looked him square in the face, putting up that brave front. The fear was still visible in a very thin crack in her sour and cautious expression.

Aziraphale took a few steps into the room and took one step towards the bed, which caused Alice to quickly rise to her feet. “You stay right there where I can see you or I’ll…I’ll…I’ll say the Our Father.” Aziraphale wasn’t even sure that would do anything to Crowley, let alone him, but he still stayed where he was, wanting to let Alice be in control.

“I intend you no harm.” Aziraphale said softly, looking at Alice with a slightly sad expression.

“W-why should I believe you?” Alice asked. “All you do is lie. That’s why you fell.”

“I’m not fallen, but I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t believe me.” Aziraphale said. “Crowley and I haven’t been honest with you about what we are. Would you allow me to clarify now?”

Alice thought for a moment and Aziraphale could practically see the wheels turning in her mind. Eventually, she must have decided her curiosity outweighed her fear and she slowly nodded.

“You are correct on one account. Crowley is a demon.” Alice’s eyes widened and she looked ready to bolt, but Aziraphale went on. “However, before you make any judgements about them, I implore you to look at what you’ve seen and experienced rather than what you’ve heard. You must know that they are unlike any demon I’ve encountered. You’ve seen firsthand that they care for you and I. I’ve known them since the beginning, the very beginning, and they’ve never once tried to harm me, betrayed me, or failed me. In fact,” he looked guiltily at the ground, his mind bringing up all the unpleasant memories of the awful things he’d said to the demon, “many times I’ve failed them. They would never hurt you either. They care for you. “

“How can I be sure?” Alice asked. “The entire purpose of a demon is to win souls for hell. How can I be sure they aren’t just pretending?”

“For one thing, they’re not very good at pretending not to care. The only time I’ve ever seen them really sell something and have it be convincing was when they acted as a Nanny, and even then it was mostly sincere.”

“What?” Alice said.

“Never mind. The point is, Crowley isn’t just pretending to care. They really do. They care for both of us. And they don’t want to try and win souls for hell. They cut ties three years ago.”

Alice’s eyes went wide in disbelief. “Cut ties?” She murmured. “With hell? I didn’t even know that was possible.”

“To tell you the truth neither did I.”

“So you’re a demon too?” She asked, still cautious, but not as angry as before. There was still anger in her, but it was beginning to fade. Whether it was from Aziraphale’s explanation was convincing her or if she was too tired to care anymore, Aziraphale didn’t know.

“No. I’m not a demon. I’m an angel.” He said. What surprised him was that he was slightly ashamed to admit that he had any kind of association with heaven, even if it wasn’t current.

Alice gave him a puzzled look. Her eyes searched him, he didn’t know what they were searching for and he wasn’t entirely certain Alice knew what she was searching for either, but she still searched. Finally, after a minute and a half of silence, she said, “I don’t believe you.”

Aziraphale almost chuckled. “I can’t say I blame you. I’m not exactly the best example of what an angel is…or should be. Well, I can prove it to if you’d wish.”

Alice narrowed her eyes. “How?”

“I can hear your prayers.” Alice went pale, well pal _er_. “Don’t worry, I make sure to block out your voice so to not violate your privacy, but without putting in the specific effort, I can hear your voice in the back of my mind whenever you pray.”

“And you just expect me to believe that?” Alice said.

“Not outright.” Aziraphale said gently. “But listen to this, the first day when you began working in the bookshop, there was that horribly rude customer who wanted to buy Sir Conan Doyle’s book. Before I intervened, you prayed, ‘ _Lord and all Thy angels, give me strength and courage…also help_.’I heard your voice in my mind, as all angels do when someone nearby prays.” Alice was silent. “Here, let me show you if you still don’t believe me.” Aziraphale took another step into the room, looking at Alice, who backed away slightly, until she was flush with the wall. “It’s alright, I’m only going to summon my wings. If that’s alright with you.”

Alice’s hands were clutching her stomach protectively but her face was relatively neutral, the mask still there. “Okay, but only your wings. Nothing else.”

Aziraphale nodded and rolled his shoulders while letting out a breath. He closed his eyes and reached into the aether. Soon there was a rustle of feathers and a gasp. When Aziraphale opened his eyes again, Alice was staring at his wings, eyes wide, mouth agape. She took a breath and gathered herself, taking a step closer to the angel. Aziraphale slowly moved his wing so it was angled towards Alice. She gave Aziraphale a look, the unspoken question in her eyes and he nodded. As she lifted her hand, her fingers were quivering and Aziraphale could feel them shake as they touched his feathers. He watched her face as the mask slowly crumbled away to reveal the distress and anguish underneath.

“Oh goodness…you really are an angel.”

In one swift motion, Alice fell to her knees, her head bowed and her hands clasped.

“Please forgive me. I…I’m…”

“Oh, Alice.” Aziraphale said gently as he knelt down in front of her. “It’s alright. I’m not angry.”

“But I’m still sorry for how I’ve been acting. I’ve been horrible to you and to Crowley. I’ve been such a…” she bit her lip slightly, “I would finish that sentence but I don’t think you’d like the language I’d use.”

Aziraphale chuckled warmly. “It’s alright, my dear. It’s been a very trying week.”

“You don’t even need to think about it? You’re just going to forgive me? Just like that?” She said, rather confused.

“You asked for my forgiveness didn’t you?” Aziraphale asked.

“Well, yes. But I honestly didn’t expect to receive it. Not without earning it. Even then I didn’t think I’d be forgiven. After all, you’re an angel. You don’t have to bother yourself with the requests of sinners.”

“Ask and ye shall receive.” Aziraphale quoted. Alice cracked a tiny smile. “Some of my colleagues might agree with you. They’d feel that they were above such things as mingling with humanity. But I honestly prefer earth to heaven. That’s part of the reason why I’m here.” He took her arm and helped her to her feet. “Angels are beings of pure love and mercy. That’s what I aspire to be. I saw that you’re sorry for how you’ve acted towards me, and I forgave. Simple as that.” Alice didn’t seem to have the energy to argue anymore. "I suppose that's why I don't associate with heaven anymore."

“So, you fell?” Alice said, confused. “I thought you said you were still an angel.”

“No I’m not fallen. I’m an angel still only because the Almighty hasn’t commanded me to fall, and I don’t think She will.”

“ _She_?” Alice asked. Aziraphale nodded. “Well that’s a whole other can of worms I wasn’t expecting to open. You’re telling me that God is a woman?”

“As a matter of speaking, yes I am.”

Alice sat back against one of the legs of the bed, processing what she just heard. Then, oddly enough, she began to laugh. “If I said something like that to my father, he’d beat the tar out of me and here I am next to a real life angel and-” She paled again, her jaw going slack, horrified at the realization of what she’d just said.

Aziraphale was horrified by it as well, albeit for a completely different reason. But he also recognized that this was not a conversation they would have today. Alice was already too worn out and by the look of it, too sick to handle too much more. So he simply sighed and put it aside for another day.

“Well, the point is I haven’t fallen, but I don’t really associate with heaven anymore, nor do they associate with me. I wasn’t a very good example of what an angel should be, I was a bit of an outcast.” His fingers absentmindedly twisted the ring on his pinky, the one he’d been given from the Almighty Herself when he’d been given the task of guarding Eden. He knew somewhere deep in his corporation that She hadn’t turned her back on him or Crowley. Even though Crowley was fallen, he had this feeling that She still had love for them. And for him. He was still _Her_ angel, even if he wasn’t heaven’s angel. If he were being honest, he preferred it that way.

“I know how that feels.” Alice murmured.

“What?” Aziraphale said. “What do you mean?”

“Well look at me!” Alice said, throwing her arms out to the side. “Second born in a well-off Christian family. I had my entire life planned out for me all I had to do was not screw it up and what do I do? Sleep with some wannabe Al Capone and end up pregnant with a bastard child.” She sighed. “I don’t blame it for existing though.” Her hand ran in a circle over her stomach. “I made a mistake, it shouldn’t be at fault just because I failed.”

Aziraphale could practically taste the self hatred in the air. And he would know, he’d felt it himself many times. It made his heart ache so much to hear that someone who had only just begun to live harbored such feelings of resentment towards herself.

Alice’s eyes were scrunched shut and she was biting her lip to keep from crying.

“Alice, may I hug you?”

Alice looked at him. There was that questioning look in her eyes again, but this time the question wasn’t "what if?". The question was "why?". Why would someone want to associate with a disappointment like me? Why would anyone bother forgiving me? Why would anyone want to even touch me?

But eventually, Alice lowered her eyes and nodded. Aziraphale wrapped his arms around the girl and pulled her into a tight squeezing embrace, resisting the urge to smite her father, that scoundrel with the leather jacket, and anyone else who made her feel like this on the spot.

Alice took a breath and finally let the tears fall. They were silent and she didn’t make a single move to brush them away, as it had been for years, but this time, she let them come. She didn’t try to hold them off until it was impossible to do so. That’s what she’d wanted to do, but for some reason, being in Aziraphale’s arms made her feel safe enough to cry without getting yelled at or smacked.

After about ten minutes of silent weeping, Aziraphale gently pulled away, giving the girl a warm smile as he brushed some of the tears from her cheeks.

“Now that that’s out of the way, I should get to what I wanted to in the first place.”

Alice looked nervously at him, but she seemed to be too tired to muster up anything more.

“You’ve been neglecting your health. I’m going to get you some dinner. While I can’t force you to do anything, you are practically an adult and responsible for your own choices, I implore you to please eat all of it. Then I think you should sleep.”

“But I can’t.” Alice rose to her feet on shaking legs. “I...I need to serve my penance. I won’t earn the Lord’s forgiveness if I... don’t show I’m truly repentant.” She pleaded.

Aziraphale couldn’t believe his ears. This young woman was actually trying to defend starving herself for the sake of something she didn’t even have to earn.

“Alice you’re doing more harm than good to yourself.” Aziraphale warned, rising to his feet as well.

“But-”

“Do you think God wants you to hurt your baby for the sake of forgiveness?” Aziraphale had to refrain himself to keep from shouting. He knew it wasn’t Alice’s fault that she believed this. She’d likely been given this horrible teaching her entire childhood that she needed to suffer before she was given kindness, but it caused him so much pain to think about not only the harm she was causing herself but also her unborn child. “Because while you think you’re earning forgiveness, you’re also starving your baby. Please I’m begging you both for your sake and your child’s, take care of yourself.”

Alice looked at the floor, a mess of emotions riddled on her face. She looked back up at Aziraphale as her knees gave way. She would have hit the floor if Aziraphale hadn’t caught her and settled her onto the bed. He touched a finger to the center of her forehead and sighed with relief. She didn’t collapse from starvation or sleep deprivation, just from the shock. The baby was fine, relatively, but things would start to go south if Alice didn’t get some food in her quick.

“Please, eat something.” He practically begged. Alice sighed, nodding slowly and finally giving in. Aziraphale told her he’d be back with something in a jiffy and walked out to the hallway. He snapped his fingers and a bowl of broth and a plate of orange slices appeared in his hands. He usually preferred to make the food himself, since in his opinion miracles didn’t compare to the real thing, but Alice needed food immediately and he’d rather not have to worry about the time it took to make it. He would have just snapped his fingers while still in the guest room, but Alice was already spooked enough as it was, he didn’t want to frighten her even more.

He walked back into the guest room and sat down on the bed, setting the broth on the bedside table and giving the plate of orange slices to Alice. She let out a breath, the weight of their conversation and the entirety of the week she’d just had pressing down on her.

Aziraphale gently placed his hand on her shoulder and offered her a smile. She didn’t smile back, but there was a look of release in her eyes and some of the tension in the air seemed to dissipate. The room seemed to relax as she lifted the fruit to her lips and began to eat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn this was a heavy chapter. I hope I handled this topic respectfully. I've never gone through something like this and if any of you have and felt that I should have done something differently, please tell me so I can make the proper edits.  
> Anyway, I hope you guys are doing well. Last night the LGBTQ+ student union had a socially distant Halloween party and I went as Aziraphale. It was such a fun time. I also hope you enjoyed that chapter. Poor Alice. At least Aziraphale is starting to get through to her. If you enjoyed it, kudos and comments are very much appreciated. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Vomiting, PTSD, reference to past abuse, grievous bodily harm, nightmares

Not even one minute after all the oranges and broth were gone, Alice’s face turned a pale green and she bolted to the bathroom, where she began vomiting violently. Aziraphale rushed in after her and knelt down next to her.

“I’m sorry.” She moaned. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want-” She was cut off by another wave of sickness, though by now her stomach was empty and shewas vomiting up watery bile.

“Ssh sh sh.” Aziraphale soothed as he held her hair back. “You don’t need to be sorry my dear. It’s alright.”

He stayed with her until the vomiting subsided. The trembling that wracked her was even worse than it was before and she barely had the energy to get to her feet. Aziraphale had gotten her a glass of water to help wash the taste out of her mouth and her arm shook as she lifted the glass to her lips. It was a miracle she hadn’t missed her mouth and spilled water on herself.

“You should rest.” Aziraphale said, helping Alice to her feet again. Her head lolled against his shoulder and he could feel the heat in her forehead. Dash it all.

He picked the girl up, noting how she was far too light for a girl of sixteen (who was five months pregnant). Perhaps more damage had been done than he thought. Alice shivered again at her sudden change from being on her feet to in someone’s arms, but was too out of it to do more than shiver.

Keeping his steps light, Aziraphale carried her back to the guest room and settled her onto the bed, pulling the duvet over her. He wasn’t sure if he should heal her, considering the last time he’d done that, it hadn’t ended very well. She wasn’t deathly ill, the fever would most likely be gone by tomorrow evening, provided she got enough rest and enough to eat.

Once she was tucked in, Alice looked back up at him, dark circles under her terrified eyes.

“Would you like me to stay with you until you’re asleep?” He asked.

Alice chuckled, doing her best to make light of how worn out she was and doing her best to hide the fact that she was trembling. “Aren’t I a little too old for that?”

“My dear, I’m quite literally ‘too old’ for everything in existence, do you think that ever stops me?”

Alice went stiff. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” She said, lowering her eyes.

“That wasn’t the question, love.”

Alice sighed, biting her lip and thinking the question over. “No. Thank you. I-I’ll be okay.”

“Alright, just give a shout if you need anything.”

“M’kay.” She said, yawning.

Aziraphale straightened up and walked to the door, glancing over his shoulder. “Sleep well.” He said. As he closed the door, he added, “You will wake having had a lovely dream of whatever makes you the happiest.” He waited for a moment before he heard the soft snores coming from the other side of the door. A sigh of relief that he hadn’t noticed he’d been holding escaped him as he walked back out to the living room, where Crowley was sitting anxiously, doing their best to distract themselves by scanning the real estate section of the newspaper.

“Everything alright?” They asked, setting the paper down as the angel entered the room.

Aziraphale sighed and sat himself down next to his fiancé. “It’s not bad, but it certainly isn’t good.” He said. Crowley folded the paper and turned to face him.

“What’s happened?”

“Do you remember those religious officials back in the day who would whip themselves in public?”

“Yeah, I remember. Those buggers’d always shout about how ‘God will judge thee!’ and ‘Repent ye sinners before it is too late!’”

“Well it turns out Alice was raised to have similar morals. Only rather than publicly hurting herself, she’s been taught to refuse food.”

Crowley’s eyes went wide. “What? Is she alright?”

Aziraphale shrugged. “I talked to her for a good long while and got her to eat something, only it came right back up soon after. She’s rather feverish as well, but should recover soon.”

“And the baby?” Crowley asked warily.

“Fine from what I can tell.” The angel sighed again. “All this because I healed her. I didn’t know using a miracle would frighten her so much.”

“It’s not your fault, Angel.” Crowley assured. “If anything, it’s mine.” They sighed as they took off their sunglasses, revealing their golden eyes. “She only got scared because she thought she was dealing with a set of demons, and she was right on one account.” Their tone had taken on a bitter and disgusted timbre as their hands balled into fists.

“Darling no. Please don’t talk like that.” He gently caressed the demon’s face, the lines on their forehead smoothing out. “You’re wonderful and beautiful and you care so deeply.” He kissed their forehead, they let out a noise that was halfway between a contented sigh and a growl. They still weren’t used to Aziraphale’s kind words of praise and adoration. “She’ll come around. I promise you. She just needs a little time to process.”

Crowley wrapped their arms around Aziraphale. “One step at a time, right?”

“One step at a time.”

* * * * *

_The sun was high and warm, shining down on Alice as she walked through a large, verdant garden. There were birds singing all around and small animals ran across the ground. A long, white dress covered her body, her bump showing proudly under the soft fabric, and her hair flowed free and loose around her shoulders, dancing with the breeze._

_There were trees all around, some blooming with the most lovely and colorful blossoms, others bearing large fruits._

_As she walked, her eyes fell on one tree in the center of the garden, the most beautiful, delicious looking red apples hanging from the branches. She took a few steps closer when a feeling of doubt creeped through her. This was an important tree, one she wasn't supposed to touch. She was about to turn away when a low hissing voice distracted her._

_"Go on. You sssssshould take a bite."_

_Alice looked around, unsure of where the voice came from._

_"Hello?" She called._

_"It'ssss jussst one apple. One bite isssss all you need. You'll be free."_

_Alice turned back towards the tree and saw a large black serpent wrapped around the trunk, leaning out towards her. Its eyes were golden and cunning, full of mischief and malicious intent. She knew those eyes and she knew them well._

_"I shouldn't..." she said, but the longer she looked at the tree, the more she wanted to try one of the apples._

_"Do you want to be trapped your whole life, or do you want to be free?" The snake whispered, flicking its forked tongue at her._

_With a quivering hand, Alice reached up and wrapped her fingers around one of the apples._

_"That'ssssss right." The snake hissed._

_The plucked the apple from the tree and brought it to her lips, biting down. As soon as the bit of fruit had been swallowed, she began to feel sick. The apple dropped from her hand, turning black and green on the ground as the garden rotted around her. The wind began howling as the snake slithered down from the tree, beginning to grow into the shape of a man._

_Sinner. Sinner. Sinner._

_Red hair and long limbs bloomed along with a wicked smile. The golden eyes stayed as they were, filled with evil._

_Sinner. Sinner. Sinner._

_A fire burst in her stomach and she felt as if she were going to vomit. What had she done? What had she done?!_

_"You have done wrong, child." Crowley whispered, the grin still on his face. "There is only one place where sinners like you belong."_

_He grabbed her wrist as the ground opened up before her. Without another word, he threw her down and she fell into the burning pit below, her skin melting away and turning to ash. She didn't even have time to scream before the fire consumed her._

* * * * *

A little yelp came from Alice as she sat up in bed, covered in sweat. The last remnants of the dream passed through her vision as she trembled, doing her best to take in the sight around her. The bedroom. The guest bedroom in the flat. She was in bed, she was safe. It wasn't real, just a dream. Just a dream.

She brushed some of the sweat from her forehead as she laid back down. Her whole body ached and she felt horrid, like she'd be sick again at any moment if she wasn't careful.

As she lay back down and did her best to get comfortable, though her bump made that rather difficult, she wondered if it was just a dream brought on by fear and fever, or if it was something more. The second she saw Crowley's eyes, she was immediately reminded of the story of the serpent of Eden, the original tempter. The different versions of the Bible she read had contradicted each other, whether it was the Devil himself or just one of his followers, but they always agreed that whoever it was always took the form of a snake. Her father had drilled into her head from a young age that snakes were creatures rejected by God, beings that could never be trusted. 

She didn't want to believe it. Crowley had been so gentle and kind to her. But they were a demon, a creature of darkness that couldn't be trusted. All those times they comforted her when she was afraid or upset, the advice they gave her, the times they'd defended her, was that all just a lie? Were they just trying to win her soul for Satan?

Alice's hand tightened into a fist as she sat up, pulling the braid from her hair, unweaving the strands twisted together and letting her locks fall onto her back before pulling them back up again, this time into a plain ponytail, the way God intended her to be seen.

She wouldn't let herself be led astray, not again.

* * * * *

The next week was uncertain territory for all three of them. Whatever trust Alice had built for Crowley and Aziraphale had completely shattered and they were all back to square one. Whenever either of them entered the guest room, she would always flinch and stare at them with wide, terrified eyes. Aziraphale she allowed to come in and sit on the bed, as long as he didn’t make any immediately threatening movements. Crowley on the other hand wasn’t allowed past the doorway and she asked them to stay directly where she could see them. The first day, she wouldn’t accept or eat anything Crowley would offer her. The demon was mildly hurt by her refusal, but they could tell that it was from utter fear and years of being told that demons were the ultimate evil on earth and they weren’t to be trusted. Just because they knew the reason why didn’t make it hurt any less. They didn’t need any more reminders of what they were, what they were capable of, and how people saw them.

It also took quite a bit of convincing to get her to eat something as well and Aziraphale had to stay with her to make sure she actually ate all of it. Not that it mattered in the long run on the first day, seeing as it all came up again a half an hour later.

This time while she vomited, she wanted to be left alone and Aziraphale could tell it wasn’t because she didn’t want to bother or inconvenience him. Even though she’d asked his forgiveness and seemed like she wasn’t entirely afraid of him, she was still acting aloof towards him and was cutting him a relatively wide berth. She only seemed to be allowing him close to her because she was afraid pushing him away would earn her some kind of heavenly punishment. She was treating him with the reverence and distance that was appropriate to angels.

This of course drove Aziraphale completely up the wall. Gabriel and the other angels would have simply adored the way she bowed her head whenever she spoke to him, only addressing him if there was need. But Aziraphale didn’t want veneration or anything of the kind, it made him feel odd and detached. And he certainly didn’t want Alice to be so afraid of the two of them. But he also knew that Alice was far more out of her comfort zone than he was out of his. So the best thing to do was give her time.

She had also gone back to being utterly terrified to anger them, reverting back to her nervous habits and reactions that she had around the time she met them. While she was helping Aziraphale make dinner one night (at her insistence. Aziraphale assured her that he didn’t need the help but she seemed to take his refusal as a test) her hands were trembling so horribly that she’d dropped the porcelain pepper shaker and it shattered. The look of abject terror in her eyes was par with the fear Aziraphale had seen in the eyes of Adam and Eve when he’d given away his sword. There was a question to their eyes, a question of whether the kindness Aziraphale was showing them was real or if he was trying to trick them or punish them. After all, the first time they’d listened to an order or suggestion that hadn’t come directly from God had gotten them kicked out. With Alice, she seemed to be worried with every step or breath, she would ask Aziraphale if she was being too loud, if she was asking too many questions, or if she was bothering him in any way. He was patient and answered “No” on all accounts but there was a doubtful look on the girl’s face every time he gave her his answer.

During that week, there was a constant scent of confusion and fear wafting all over the house. Every time Alice asked Aziraphale a question, told Crowley to stay away from her or beg them not to hurt her, or apologize for anything she might have done (or more appropriately what she thought she’d done), the fear grew even worse. This frustrated Aziraphale more than anything else. He wanted to help her, he wanted to ease her fear around him and Crowley. But he also knew as well as anyone that you couldn’t force anyone to stop being afraid, you just had to be patient with them. And though he was more than willing to give Alice all the time she needed, it didn’t stop the pain he felt for her as well.

It saddened him even more to hear her prayers every night. Despite the fact that she knew Aziraphale could listen to what she said to the Almighty, she still continued in the same way she did before, begging for forgiveness and calling herself a sinner, humbling herself to an almost unhealthy degree. She was holding herself to such a high standard that she seemed to believe that even muttering the word “heck” was an offense punishable by death.

This was so much more than he’d been expecting when the floodgates had opened and he still felt he was only scratching the surface.

Most of the time he was fighting an impulse to hug Alice with all his might and use every miracle at his disposal to help her undo the years of horrid teachings she’d received, and perhaps wrap his wings around her for good measure. But it wasn’t that simple. It could never be that simple.

* * * * *

Alice had utterly no idea what to do with herself. She was living in a house with an angel and a demon of all things. They kept insisting at every instant that she was in no danger and that they meant her no harm. Did they really think she was that stupid? That naive? She’d known from an early age that whenever someone insisted that they only wanted to help or claimed that they weren’t mad or they wouldn’t do anything to hurt her, it was only a matter of time before they went back on their word. Scratch that. It was only a matter of time before _she_ did something to make them angry and force them to act. She knew it too. She knew she didn’t deserve any sort of kindness but that still didn’t stop her from fearing any kind of punishment that would inevitably come her way.

Yet there was still a small, foolish part of herself that wanted to believe them. They’d been taking care of her for nearly two months now and those two months had been…they’d been happier than sixteen years spent in her parents’ house.

No she shouldn’t think that way. She wasn’t supposed to think that way. She should be grateful for the life they gave her.

Honor thy father and thy mother.

Do not doubt the kindness thou hast been granted.

“Doubters will be granted eternal fire.”

Her father was standing over her, his belt in his hand. No, please no.

“You must repent, sinful child.”

No. No no no no no.

“No!”

“Doubt only leads to fear and sin.”

The image of her father shifted. White hair and blue eyes shimmered down at her, but the light they emitted was angry and fierce.

“That is all you are. A filthy sinner.” Aziraphale snarled.

Something grabbed at her hair and when she looked behind her, she saw Crowley, their hand firmly grabbing at her ponytail and dragging her towards a large doorway, shrouded in flames flames, screams coming from inside.

“No!”

Crowley looked down at her and laughed.

“I’ll repent I promise! I’ll do better! Please no!”

“Alice, wake up!”

Alice’s eyes flew open and she looked up at Aziraphale, his eyes filled with worry. A shot of fear burst through her veins and, as much as she tried to stop it, a whimper escaped from her.

“I-I’m sorry. Please don’t. I’ll be better, I swear.”

“It’s alright, love. It was just a dream.” Aziraphale soothed.

Alice looked around. It was just them in the living room, her on the couch with _Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_ sitting open on her chest and Aziraphale kneeling beside her. Of course, the second she dozes off and she has to go and have a nightmare that has her screaming to high heaven and bothering Aziraphale.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…I’m sorry.”

Another memory resurfaced, from when she was four years old. Her mother put her down for a nap and she had a nightmare about being dropped in the bottom of a well. She’d let out a loud scream and had disturbed her father, who told her to stop crying and when she wouldn’t he rewarded her with a harsh slap and an order to shut it.

No doubt Aziraphale would be angry with her. After all, angels had important work to do and she’d likely disrupted whatever he’d been doing with her silliness.

But instead, Aziraphale smiled warmly.

“It’s alright, my dear. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

The doubt reared its ugly head again. He just wanted to get her to believe him so he could trick her. He really was angry but he didn’t want her to put up any kind of a fight.

A gentle hand was patting her shoulder.

“It’s alright.” She hadn’t realized she’d begun trembling. Aziraphale was trying to calm her, to soothe her. “You’re alright. It’s over. You’re safe.” She sat up, closing the book. If she were being honest, she really wanted a hug. But she also knew asking Aziraphale would be a waste of time. After all, he was an angel, he didn’t want to bother himself with a sinner like her.

Aziraphale sat down on the couch next to her.

“Do you need anything?”

“Hmm?” She asked, breaking from her thoughts.

“Usually when either Crowley or myself have nightmares, we do something to make the other feel better afterwards. When I have nightmares, Crowley will usually make me a cup of cocoa and we have a good cuddle. Is there anything you need? Water? Music?” Alice began rapidly shaking her head. She didn’t want to bother the angel any more than she already had. “Alright, my girl. Let me know if that changes.” He gave her another smile before standing and walking down the stairs towards the bookshop.

Well…now what was she supposed to do? Every time she expected either Crowley or Azirpahale to do something, they did the opposite. They were both by far the strangest beings she’d encountered, supernatural or not. Every few minutes she’d manage to do something wrong but they wouldn’t be angry or try to hurt her. It was a trick, it had to be a trick. Well they didn’t know that she wouldn’t fight back if they did try to hurt her, she did deserve it after all, maybe that was why they were holding back.

No, that couldn’t be it.

She wracked her brain trying to come up with some kind of reason but she couldn’t think of anything. Maybe…maybe they were right. Maybe she really hadn’t…no that couldn’t be it.

She sighed, setting the book on the coffee table and flopping back down onto the couch. It was all so confusing. And staying in the flat felt just on the wrong side of suffocating. But she couldn’t leave, could she? Well she could but she didn’t have anywhere to go. Besides…she felt safe here. It was insane. She was living with an actual demon and she felt safe. What was wrong with her?

She sat up, looking around to make sure no one was listening, and tiptoed into the kitchen, picked up the phone, and dialed the familiar number.

“Pulcifer Residence.”

“Anathema?” Alice timidly asked.

“Oh, hey Alice. Everything alright? I’ve gotten nothing but radio silence from you guys for almost a week and a half.”

“Yeah, we’re fine. Well, sorta, erm…not really. I mean…” she sighed. “Do you think you’d be free for lunch on Tuesday?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy day after Halloween everyone! I hope you all had a fun and safe holiday and are having a good day. My night was great. I wore my Aziraphale costume and went to go see _Rocky Horror_ for the very first time last night and it was such a fun experience. And then I just went home and watched YouTube on my iPad while cozy in bed.   
> So Alice is kind of in an unhealthy and confused headspace right now, poor kid. Well here's hoping she can learn to trust again, lucky she's got a wide support network. I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Kudos and comments are so very appreciated. Thank you so much for reading and have a very lovely day


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: References to past abuse, self hatred, and self deprecation

Alice did her best to keep quiet and keep out of the way for the next few days. Just keep your head down, don’t say too much, don’t draw attention yourself, and you’ll be fine. It was the mantra she lived by her entire childhood. The only way she knew how to survive. Crowley and Aziraphale definitely noticed something was up. She never was a very good actor and she could only hope that her skulking wasn’t annoying them. They’d promised that her constant blubbering and jitters weren't making them angry. They must have thought she was stupider than she looked. It was just how things worked, they didn’t need to lie to her. She knew if she pushed her luck too much, she would be punished. She knew she deserved it so why did they keep dancing around the topic?

Aziraphale’s offer from Saturday kept creeping back into her mind. That had been perhaps the fifth time she had woken up screaming from a nightmare with somebody else around. She knew she’d pushed her luck, she’d annoyed them, she knew it was only a matter of time before she pushed them too far and they finally got angry. Not that she wanted them to get angry, she wanted to avoid that, but she knew she deserved it. Besides, anger she was familiar with. Anger she could understand. But this? To do something wrong, know she did something wrong, and then to avoid punishment time and again? It made her head spin and it almost made her want to scream.

She was so relieved when Tuesday rolled around. She needed to talk to Anathema, to another human…that was probably rude. But there was just so much on her mind that she felt Crowley and Aziraphale just wouldn’t understand. How could they? They were both powerful, holy/unholy beings and she…she was just a silly little human with silly little human problems. She didn’t want to bother them. She didn’t want to bother anyone but…she was suffocating. She felt really bad about bothering Anathema but keeping everything inside like she usually did wasn’t helping anything. All the thoughts and confusion and everything just wouldn't go away. Too much stress, as she knew better than anyone, was really harmful to the baby. She may not have been comfortable talking about any of this, as she wasn’t with most things but she refused to do anything that would harm her baby. She wasn’t even sure if she was going to be allowed to be a part of their life but she wouldn’t do anything that would put them in harm’s way.

Tuesday morning ticked by and soon enough it was ten after noon. Anathema agreed to meet Alice at 12:30 and the cafe where they were meeting was about a ten minute walk. So she untied the string around her apron and left it folded on the desk and walked up to the guest room. She kept a little shoebox under the bed where she kept all the money from her paychecks and tips. Aziraphale was a very generous employer, with any other job she’d be lucky to be paid eight pounds an hour, but Aziraphale insisted on paying her twenty and she’d sometimes gather around twenty-five pounds in tips. At first she was apprehensive to be paid so much. After all, she really didn’t deserve his generosity, but she needed to save every bit she could get if she was going to get out of their hair and stop bothering the two of them as quick as possible. Perhaps a bit of that want to leave was fear. After all, an angel and a demon? She’d either be smote with the wrath of heaven or dragged down to hell with all the sins she committed.

She sighed. She didn’t want to be scared of them. She just…couldn’t help it.

The problem wasn’t them. The problem was her. They likely just wanted to do their jobs and she kept getting in their way.

She shook her head as she pulled about forty pounds from the shoebox. She felt uneasy taking some of her savings just for lunch, but she didn’t want to force Anathema to pay for her, and she certainly wasn’t going to ask Aziraphale or Crowley for any money. So she tucked her pounds into her skirt pocket and made her way down the stairs. Crowley was in the kitchen working on lunch and Alice’s heart gave a little jolt as she passed him, doing her best to keep her steps light and silent. Since she almost lost the baby, she hadn’t been alone with Crowley once. Every time she saw him, a horrid twinge of fear raced through her veins. She couldn’t get his eyes out of her mind, those golden serpentine eyes, looking at her. She shivered and continued to tiptoe past him

Just make it to the front door. They wouldn’t even notice she was missing. She quietly made her way down the winding staircase, peeking over the banister and looking out over the main area of the shop. Thank goodness, Aziraphale was still in his office. If she was quiet, she could sneak out. Being sneaky was something she was no stranger to, even if it was underhanded and deceitful, sometimes it was the best way to stay safe. Even though she’d only been with them for about two and half months, she still had the bookshop floor plan almost memorized, she had a very quick memory, so she was able to avoid every weak floorboard and prevent any squeaks or creaks from breaking through the shop. Soon enough she made it to the door and turned the handle.

 _Jinglejingle_.

The bell! She’d forgotten the bell! Aziraphale would have heard! He’d be thinking there was a customer and then he’d come out of his office. He’d go searching and he’d get suspicious if nobody was there. Then he’d notice she was gone and he’d be furious. The second she came back, there would be one hell of a punishment waiting for her. There had to be a way out of this. No, she shouldn't try to avoid it, she deserved it. But what was she going to do? She wouldn't be able to focus on lunch if she was so busy dreading coming back. What could she do? Think. Think!

“Alice? Are you going out?”

Oh no. Her stupid legs refused to move, she was frozen in place and now she was caught. She could hear Aziraphale just behind her. It was coming. It was going to come any second now.

She squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the strike to come.

“Dear?”

“Yes. Yes I’m going out.” She admitted. Best to stick to the truth. Angels could tell when people were lying right? “I’m going to the café around the corner. Thought I’d take my lunch break away from the shop.”If she told him she was meeting Anathema, he’d think she was ratting him out and get angry…well in a way she was. It was underhanded but she didn't know what else to do.

Aziraphale was quiet as he listened to her explain before saying, “Do you want Crowley or myself to accompany you?”

“No!” She said quickly, a look of alarm came over her face that was mirrored in Aziraphale’s eyes. “I-I mean…no thank you. I’d like to…to take an afternoon to myself.”

“Of course, my dear.” He reached for his wallet. “How much do you think you’ll need?”

“What? No. No you shouldn’t have to pay for me. I-I’ve got money.” She quickly explained.

“From your savings?” Aziraphale asked. She nodded. “Dear that’s the only money you have, you shouldn’t have to use that just for a meal.”

“Y-you really don’t have to.” She murmured, twisting her thumb.

“I know I don’t have to.” Aziraphale said gently, his soft voice calming her just a little. “I want to.” He took out two twenty pound notes and pressed them into her hand, giving her a smile. She forced a smile back as she tucked the notes into her pocket. “Be safe, let one of us know when you get back. I’m meeting with a seller around 1:30 so I might not be here when you get back.”

She’d be alone. She’d be alone with Crowley. A shiver passed up her body but she did her best to make sure Aziraphale didn’t see.

“O-okay.” She murmured.

Aziraphale gave her another smile and a pat on the shoulder before turning back to go into his office.

That couldn’t have been right. Surely she’d gone insane. Aziraphale had just caught her trying to sneak out and he’d…he’d let her? He’d even given her his money?

She didn’t have time to ponder this, if she thought too hard about it she’d likely be standing there all afternoon.

With a bit of a quiver, she tucked the pound notes into her pocket and strode out the door. Fifteen past. If she didn’t get a move on she’d be late and Anathema might get mad at her for making her wait.

She took a breath, trying to steer her thoughts in a different direction. Anathema was her friend. She wouldn’t…well Alice wouldn’t blame her if she did.

The walk to the café wasn’t that bad. The weather was a bit chilly, after all it was still only early March but her thick jumper was keeping her warm and her wool skirt reached her shins so it wasn’t as if she was freezing. A few weeks ago, she had worn this same jumper and her bump had barely been visible. Now it was poking out against the thick woven pattern. It didn't look as big as it would have if she had been wearing a regular t-shirt but it was still visible. She was teetering somewhere on the line between proud and embarrassed.

Looking at her bump made her feel happy. Every time she felt the little one move inside her she felt a great wave of love and connection. But every time she walked down the street or whenever there were other people in the bookshop, she could feel all the eyes of everyone around her looking at her and she could almost sense their judgement. It was hard to pretend that she was older than she actually was. She had a bit of a baby face, luckily she wasn’t too short, around 5’5, so it was fairly easy to tell she was close to adulthood, but she certainly _looked_ like a teenager. Even if she looked like she was in her thirties, it wouldn’t matter. She didn’t have a wedding ring on her finger. People look at her and would be able to tell exactly what she was.

She bit back a cringe. Aziraphale would be mad if her knew she was thinking this way, but it was the truth. It bewildered her that he didn’t see it. He was an angel. He should know enough about almost everything. He should know the standards that she wasn't living up to. He should know just what she was.

A whore.

“Alice!” Anathema’s voice broke through the breezy air and through Alice’s thoughts. She was sitting at an outdoor table, a steaming cup of coffee in front of her. Alice gave her friend a smile as she waved her over, though she was honestly riddled with guilt that she had made her wait.

“Thank you for agreeing to meet with me,” Alice murmured, fiddling with the end of her braid.

Anathema gave her a warm smile. “Of course, honey.” She said.

A waiter came over and took their orders (the cheapest thing on the menu had been chicken noodle soup so of course that was what Alice had ordered. She was here on Aziraphale’s dime after all and didn’t want to make him spend too much) and Anathema did her best to keep up the conversation until Alice felt comfortable enough to ease into it as well. There was an inevitably difficult talk ahead of them and the witch wanted to make sure Alice was in a good enough headspace to see it through. About halfway through the meal, Alice seemed to have relaxed enough and Anathema took a breath, breaking out the question that had been on her mind since Saturday night.

“You sounded really distressed when you called the other night. Did you need to talk about anything?”

Now came the moment Alice dreaded. She knew she needed to talk to Anathema about what was going on, she felt like she’d explode if she kept her thoughts to herself for much longer. But at the same time, she was worried about disclosing what Aziraphale and Crowley were to someone who might not know. She didn’t want to give away sensitive information, that wasn’t fair to them. Not to mention, if Anathema didn’t know, she might think Alice had gone mental. Maybe this was a bad idea, she should have just kept her mouth shut. She should have never bothered Anathema with this. She-

“Alice?”

The girl took a breath and looked up at the concerned expression on Anathema’s face.

“How…how well do you know Crowley and Aziraphale?” She asked quietly.

A brief look of uncertain realization came over Anathema’s face before she went back to a neutral expression.

“Newt and I met them about three years ago. At first we didn’t get along. Well Newt did, I didn’t, but that shouldn’t be too surprising.”

It wasn’t. Newt got along with pretty much anyone he met (after he got over the initial stage of social awkwardness). Anathema on the other preferred to be cautious around new people, unless she got a good vibe about them, like she had with Alice. This rather confused the girl, who wondered why anyone would consider her as someone good, but she was still glad to have a friend.

“The circumstances we met them under were…strange to say the least but after the initial craziness blew over, they invited us over for tea to talk about what had happened. We’ve stayed in touch ever since. They’re really good friends. Well, good is an understatement. _Friends_ is an understatement. We’ve only known them for three years but we’ve gotten to know them so well they feel more like family.”

“So…so you know about…” Alice gulped, “what they are?”

Anathema looked quizzically at the girl for a few seconds before a light came on behind her eyes. “You mean about them being…not human?” Anathema did her best to tread lightly on the topic. It was clear Alice knew something was up with the two of them, but the witch wasn’t sure if she knew the whole story.

Alice nodded. “You know that they’re…an angel? And a demon?” It was barely above a whisper, though the quiver in her voice was still highly audible.

“Yes. As a matter of fact I do.” Anathema said, sipping her coffee.

“And you didn’t tell me?” Alice did her best to not sound accusatory, so the question came across as more of a confused observation.

Anathema set her mug down. “It wasn’t my business to tell. I knew if they wanted to tell you what they are, they would do it in their own time. And I take it they did tell you?”

Alice worried at her bottom lip, dropping her eyes to the half eaten bowl of soup in front of her.

“N-not exactly.” She murmured.

“What happened?” Anathema asked.

Alice trembled, a shaky breath coming from her as she began to speak. “My ex-boyfriend came to the bookshop and tried to get me to move in with him. I told him no and he…he got really angry. Crowley was able to get him to back off but he threatened to tell my father. The shock was so horrible that…it almost made me lose the baby.” She could feel fearful tears coming to her eyes as she recalled the emotional torrent she went through that day.

“Oh my _god_.” Anathema breathed. “Are you okay now? Do you need to see a doctor or anything?”

“No! No I’m okay now.” Alice assured. “Before anything could get too bad, Aziraphale…Aziraphale healed me.”

It was the first time she’d said it out loud. Someone had used their time and energy to help her. Make sure she was well. What was more, it was an angel who had done it. Aziraphale had called on the power of God to save the bastard child of an unmarried whore.

Anathema let out a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. I’m glad you’re doing okay.”

“Well, that’s not really the end of it. I might be okay physically, but my head keeps running around in circles.” Alice explained.

“Oh.” Anathema said back.

“I mean, an _angel_ and a _demon_? I don’t know what to think but I’m scared. I’m so so scared. After all, I’m a sinner living under the roof of a messenger of the Lord. One step out of line and I could be smote where I stand. And if I don’t anger Aziraphale, then something else I do might just get Crowley on my case as well. Every time he looks at me, I’m scared he’s going to drag me down to Hell.” Alice buried her face in her hands. “I don’t know what to think.”

“Here, give me your hand.” Anathema said softly. Alice did as she was told, reaching across the table towards Anathema, who took hold of her hand and began gently rubbing a circle onto the back of it. Alice was grateful that she opted for this rather than getting up and hugging her in front of all these people. Just the thought of everyone staring at her while she had an emotional breakdown made Alice even more nervous than she already was.

“I know this is a confusing time for you and I’m sorry you had to find out the way you did. I won’t tell you how to feel, but I do want you to know that what you are feeling is normal. You’re actually taking this better than Newt and I did.” Alice raised an eyebrow. “Newt fainted and I tried to throw my purse at them.” A little chuckle escaped Alice before her face fell again.

“I said some awful things to them after I found out. And I was so rude and cold to them, I…I was horrible and I…” A sob built in her throat that threatened to escape. No she couldn’t start crying in front of all these people. Not while she was with Anathema. She’d embarrass her friend and she’d embarrass herself as well. These people didn’t need to deal with her problems or her silly emotions. She needed to stop!

Anathema set her other hand on top of Alice’s, continuing to rub the small circles. The witch prided herself on being able to comfort those who needed it, seven months of being a mother and three years of being friends with the Them and the other children of Tadfield left her rather skilled at being a listener and consoler.

“I’m sure they’re not angry at you. Everyone deals with frightening and new things in their own way. Aziraphale and Crowley have been around since the beginning. They’ve seen how humanity has evolved and how things have changed. They’re no strangers to human emotion and different reactions people have, to them or to other things. Aziraphale is one of the most patient and understanding beings I’ve ever encountered. I’m sure he understands. And while Crowley likes to pretend that he’s a jerk, he really is quite kind as well. They’d never hurt anyone unless it was to defend someone who needed it. They especially wouldn’t hurt someone they care about. And trust me, they care about you.”

“H-how do you know?” Alice quavered. “They could just be lying or pretending.”

“Alice, do you know what auras are?” Anathema asked.

Alice nodded. “My dad said they were rubbish.”

“Well,” Anathema said, “they do exist. I can see them, their shape, color, sometimes even texture, and because of that can tell how people are feeling, what they’re like, who they are. It’s not a perfect guess every time, but it is a very close estimate.”

“So…so what does mine look like?” Alice asked, rather nervous about this revelation but still too busy reeling from the emotions that came from the previous week.

Anathema took off her glasses and gave Alice a good long look before putting them back on. “Mostly I saw black, but there were also very strong hints of green and purple.”

“W-what does that mean?”

“Black means you’re very fatigued, both mentally, from being emotionally out of balance, and physically, likely from not getting enough sleep or enough to eat.” She looked at Alice’s half empty bowl. The girl flushed and continued eating as Anathema went on with her explanation. “Purple on the other hand means that you are sensitive and intuitive, you’re a dreamer, and can see the bigger picture in things. Green means you have a large capacity for love and life and you have very strong faith. The colors were vibrant, and of course there was a tendril of light coming from your stomach,” Alice put a hand on her bump, “but the shape showed that there’s fear and timidness that’s keeping you from showing the world the real you, how bright and beautiful you are.” Alice flushed at the praise and the partial accuracy of the reading. She didn't think she was beautiful or smart or anything like that, but Anathema was right on the first count. There were parts of her personality that she had kept locked away from the world for a very long time. She didn't want to be judged for who she was or punished because she wasn't acting the way she was supposed to. But she had been hiding so much of who she was for such a long time and she was starting to grow weary of not showing the world her real self.

“So, you were able to see Aziraphale and Crowley’s auras?” Alice asked, breaking her train of thought.

Anathema nodded. “The shapes are a little strange, since they’re not human, but Aziraphale is almost always showing a green aura, with a small touch of pink. He loves and protects everything around him and he cares so deeply. Crowley’s aura is usually black, poor guy has been through a lot, but sometimes, he sports a gorgeous red color, meaning he’s passionate and unapologetic. But there is also a little bit of pink in his aura too. They’d never hurt you. Every time I see you with them, I can see their auras reaching towards yours. They want to protect you. They want to help you.”

Alice sighed heavily. “I just can’t stop feeling so scared around them. I don’t want to be. I want to trust them and feel safe around them but no matter how hard I try I just keep trembling and getting these stupid flashes of fear.”

“Hey, hey it’s okay.” Anathema soothed. “You’re not doing anything wrong. You’ve been told lots of different things and that can take a toll on someone. It’s okay to have emotions.”

“I don’t want to be afraid, but as soon as I saw Crowley’s eyes, I just couldn’t stop the fear.” Alice said, her trembling growing worse as she thought of all the dreams she had, featuring Crowley becoming an enormous black snake, tempting her, dragging her to Hell, sometimes even swallowing her whole like she was a mouse. She just couldn’t stop feeling afraid around him. All the years of tales her father had told her of demons and every twisted thing they would do to win souls for Satan had taken their toll and now she couldn’t even look at Crowley without hearing the Devil’s laughter.

Anathema noticed her distress and went back to holding the girl’s hand. “Are you alright? Do you need to go somewhere less public?”

“No…no I’m fine. I just need to get a handle on myself.” She took a few breaths while Anathema waited patiently. Once she’d gathered herself, she looked back at the witch. “Anathema, I need you to answer a question and I want you to be honest with me.”

“Okay.”

“Was…was Crowley the one who originally tempted Eve?” After her dream last Sunday, along with several similar ones following, she had a feeling she already knew the answer, but she wanted to be sure.

Anathema sighed. “I think that’s a question you should ask him yourself. It seems like it’s something very personal to him and I don’t want to disclose something I shouldn’t.”

“Oh, oh I’m sorry.” Alice apologized.

“It’s okay, you didn’t know. But back to your worries, I know that Crowley wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt you. He may be a demon, but what he is and who he is are two different things. He cut ties with Hell just as Aziraphale cut ties with Heaven. He’s still a demon by species but he doesn’t like doing things to harm people, at least those who don’t absolutely deserve it. In fact, the only time I think he would do real harm to someone would be to either protect or avenge someone he cared about.”

Something Crowley had said to Dylan crept back into Alice’s mind.

_“Don’t fucking touch her.”_

He had tried to protect her. He was willing to put himself in harm’s way…for her.

Anathema continued her thoughts. “He’s had to do some things he isn’t proud of. I won’t go into detail, but I’m sure it was the only way for him to survive down there. He really is kind and gentle to those he cares about, but he couldn’t show that side of himself when he was still working for Hell. I don’t know how things work in Hell but I can assume that demons who don’t do their job aren’t exactly given the best treatment.”

Something in that statement resonated with Alice. The way Crowley behaved did seem…cautious. Like he was questioning every move he made…goodness that sounded familiar.

She was actually feeling sorry for a demon. Relating to a demon. What was wrong with…oh goodness. She…she was…the way she’d treated them…

“I’ve been so horrible to them.” Alice cried, doing her best to keep her tears inside, but a few escaped. “Both of them. They just wanted to help me and I kept pushing them away.”

“Hey, it’s okay.”

“No. No it isn’t. The way I’ve treated them is deplorable, especially Crowley. I wouldn’t even let him come near me and I was so rude to him and…” Her voice tapered off as Anathema stood from her seat.

“Come on, let’s go somewhere where you can have some privacy.” Anathema said, still holding Alice’s hand as she led the girl to the women’s restroom. Alice was grateful for her kindness and willingness to spare her the embarrassment of crying in front of so many people, but was too emotionally strung up to properly express it.

Once they made it to the bathroom, Anathema checked around to make sure they were alone and went back to Alice.

“Okay, go ahead.”

“I’ve actually started going back to hiding things. I didn’t tell them that I was meeting you, just that I wanted to take my lunch break away from the shop. I didn’t tell them because I was afraid they’d get angry with me for seeing you. I thought they’d think I was selling them out. I…I snuck out to see you, I haven’t done anything so low and deceitful since before I left…” she went pale when she heard what she’d almost revealed. Thankfully, Anathema either didn’t catch her mistake or didn’t call attention to it.

“You don’t have to blame yourself for feeling fear. It’s a human emotion and, while I don’t know anything about your life at home, I can only guess it wasn’t very pleasant. You’re just reacting to what you know. It’s okay.” Alice put her face in her hands, continuing to cry as Anathema rubbed her shoulder. “It’s okay, sweetie. Just give yourself some patience. You have folks here to support you.”

They stayed in the bathroom for about ten minutes before Alice said she was okay to go back to the table. Anathema left first so Alice could wash her face a little and then joined her back at the table.

“I think I should apologize to Crowley and Aziraphale. For how I’ve treated them.” Alice said. She quivered. “Are…are you sure they won’t be angry with me?”

“Absolutely.” Anathema confirmed. “They know you. And they’re patient enough to help you through the good times and the bad. But if worst comes to worst, you can always come stay with me and Newt.”

“No, no I wouldn’t ask you to take on that burden.”

“Alice,” Anathema’s voice was soft, but there was a passion behind her words, “you’re not a burden. I know you may not believe me, but you are not a burden. You are kind, you are gentle, you are considerate and selfless, you are not a burden. But as I said, I doubt it’ll come to that.” Anathema flagged down the waiter and asked her to bring the bill. Alice went to get some of the pound notes from her pocket but Anathema stopped her with a kind, “It’s okay, I’ve got it.”

“Really, I should pay, it’s only fair.” Alice said.

“It’s okay, Alice. It’s my treat.”

Alice sighed, there was no winning with Anathema. The witch paid the tab and walked Alice back to the bookshop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems Alice is starting to get on the right track. She's nowhere near being able to forgive herself but I think after that talk with Anathema, she'll be able to feel a bit more comfortable around the bois again.  
> So I hope you all had a lovely week. Mine was pretty damn stressful but I'm too relieved that the election is finally over to really give a damn.  
> I hope you enjoyed that chapter, if you did, kudos and comments are very much appreciated. Thank you all so much for reading and have a very lovely day.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Descriptions of trauma and intense pain, and references to past abuse

Crowley’s favorite spot to catch some sun was on the little display of books on a small, tiered, round table near the center of the main area of the shop. There was a little skylight over it and on sunny days, it made for a perfect sunbathing spot. So while Aziraphale was meeting with another bookseller and Alice was out at lunch, Crowley had gone into his snake form and slithered on top of the stack of books. It was, in his opinion, the best way for him to relieve stress, aside from the obvious (drinking heavily).

Somebody only knew that stress was running high in the flat. Alice was only growing more jumpy and terrified around him and Aziraphale, him especially. Were he in his human form, the demon would have sighed, rubbing his temples, but the best he could manage as a snake was simply to flick his tongue out and hiss sadly. He was happy to give the girl the space she needed in order to process, but he knew that just avoiding her wasn’t going to fix her fear. If he were being honest, the demon had no fucking clue how to help her. When Aziraphale first told him that she had been taught to refuse food as an act of repentance, at first he was pissed, well furious was a better term, at the people in her life who planted that mindset in her. But after the initial anger wore off, it left him feeling horribly sad. That poor kid. She was so confused and so scared and most of her anguish was directed inwards. He didn’t know how deep it went but he was sure if he went looking, he wouldn’t like what he’d find.

But that wouldn’t stop him from trying to help. Alice was a good kid and Someone dammit he cared about her. It was way out of practice and not in his nature as a demon to care but he wanted more than anything to give her the comfort and security she so desperately lacked. It pained him to see her so terrified and so ashamed of herself. She’d done nothing wrong, she was nowhere near the sinner she thought herself as. But he also knew things like that didn’t just fix themselves overnight. They had to give her the patience she wasn’t giving herself until she felt secure.

Besides, most of her fear was his fault. Every time she was in the same room with him, though after the past week their interactions were few and far between, she looked at him with abject terror in her eyes. It wouldn’t surprise him if she had it in her head that he was just waiting for a moment to spring on her, tempt her, or throw her straight down to Hell.

He hissed angrily.

Anything that reminded him of what he truly was always left a bitter taste in his mouth. He hated that he scared Alice so much, he hated that all he would ever be was an unholy beast, he hated that he’d never be worthy of Aziraphale’s affection or time, he hated that Alice would never see him more than a threat…and he hated that there was nothing he could do to change it.

He shook his head, hoping maybe if he shook it hard enough, he’d be able to shake the thoughts from his head. It had been a while since he’d given himself over to those kinds of thoughts and it felt just as shitty now as it did then.

A gaggle of voices from outside the building distracted him briefly. Sometimes when he would indulge in his more mischievous side, he would listen in on conversations, to see if there was anything worth hearing or maybe to get some ideas on what kinds of demonic shit to pull and if there was anyone worth pulling them on. He didn’t do too much anymore, and never to anyone who didn’t deserve it, but he did still enjoy causing annoyances all around the city.

“You’re sure you don’t want me to stick around? It’s okay if you want support, apologizing is never an easy thing to do.”

Anathema? What was she doing in Soho?

“I’m sure. This feels like something I need to do myself.”

That was Alice’s voice. Oh so that’s why she wanted to take her lunch break away from the shop. Made sense, Alice needed someone to talk to who wasn’t them, so Crowley was glad she’d called Anathema up.

Wait a second. Alice had actually done something she needed to do to help herself…on her own. It was definitely a start and Crowley definitely felt a sense of pride welling up in his serpentine body as the thought came to him.

“Okay, hon. Let me know how it goes. And call me later to let me know how you’re doing?” Anathema said, pulling Alice into a hug.

“Of course. And thank you for today. It…it really helped.”

“You’re my friend, Alice. I’m always here to listen when you need it.”

Crowley only realized too late that he was still in snake form. Before he could properly change back, Alice was walking through the door to the bookshop and he was stuck. He couldn’t change back with her watching him. He’d frighten her more than she was already. Shit, shit, fuck, dammit, fuck, what was he supposed to-

“Oh…hello there.” She was staring right at him. Shit. This wasn’t good. She was going to freak out and he’d either have to change back and scare her even more or he’d have to get out of the bookshop. “How on earth did you get in? I didn’t even think there were snakes in London.” Act natural. Crowley gently raised his head in as nonthreatening a way as he could manage and flicked his tongue. Alice flinched for a moment but stayed where she was and kept her eyes on him, glancing down at the red scales on his front. He could just hope to Somebody she wasn’t afraid of him. He didn’t want to scare her.

His serpent form was a bit of a mishmash of a bunch of different species of snakes, his underbelly, size, and eye shape suggested that he’d be venomous (that and the fact that he sometimes sported a nice set of fangs) but the shape of his snoot and head and the pattern of his scales was that of a nonvenomous snake. Alice was a smart kid, but he was still terrified that she would either run screaming or try to smack him with something.

Instead, she just gave him a quizzical look. There was something in her eyes that was a suggestion of wisdom beyond her years, and like she was hiding something. Not something major, but just a little secret that she was holding close to her chest like a set of cards.

“Northern red belly, hmm?” She said. “I think I might have read somewhere that those aren’t venomous, but I’m not one hundred percent certain. You don’t seem too dangerous though…and it is still pretty cold outside. So, you can stay for a little. Just make sure you’re gone before my boss gets back. I’m not sure how he feels about snakes.” Crowley lowered his head so it was resting back within his coils, relieved with this lucky turn of events. He thought Alice would just breeze on past him and go upstairs, but she stayed where she was, only moving to take a few steps closer, keeping her eyes trained on him. There was a saddened look on her face.

“You know, I’ve been told a lot of nasty things about snakes. All my life. That they were sneaky, conniving, dangerous, that they were just waiting to hurt me.” She admitted with a guilty sigh. “I…I believed what I was told for years. And maybe that is true about a lot of snakes.” Crowley raised his head again, flicking out his tongue towards the girl. A little smile came across her face. “I…I don’t think that’s true about you, though. I don’t think you want to hurt me.”

Slowly, Crowley uncoiled himself, leaning so he was about halfway off the book he was sitting on, out towards Alice. For a minute, she looked a little unsure or nervous, but after a moment of thought, she reached her hand towards him. It was often difficult for Crowley to show affection even when he was taking a more human shape. Millenia of being forced to keep any emotion that was less than abject hatred, rage, or morbid glee at pain and suffering under wraps had left him rather inexperienced both with giving and receiving any kind of affection, be it romantic or intimate like with Aziraphale, or familial or friendly like with Anathema, Newt, Finn, and now Alice. But he would still try, especially when any of them were in need of comfort. Just because he was shit at consoling didn’t stop him from at least trying. Usually his piss poor attempt would at least make whoever was on the receiving end laugh, so he had that going for him. Still, like he always felt, there was that stupid doubt and anxious twinge in him when he slithered down towards Alice’s hand, resting his head on her knuckles. He noticed there was a very subtle tremble to her hand and he almost pulled away, when he felt something on the top of his head. She was gently scratching along his head and a little ways down his back with the tip of her finger.

“You’re not a bad snake.” She said. “I don’t want to be scared of you. I really don’t. It’s just…” she sighed. Usually, she would drop her eyes in shame or frustration, but this time, she raised them, looking up to the glass skylight and the sky above with confusion swimming through her eyes. “I’ve been told so many times that de…snakes are no good, horrible creatures, that God rejected.” There was a pain in her voice as she said it. Crowley flicked his tongue again as she continued to pet his head. “I don’t want to believe it. Sometimes things are so deeply imbedded in you that you can’t help but to listen to them. And I was told never to doubt, so every time that little voice in me tries to tell me that something I’m seeing or experiencing doesn’t match what I’ve been told, I just ignore it. I tell myself I’m the one that’s wrong. But that’s not fair to you.” Crowley slithered a little further down until his whole body was off the pile of books, making his way onto Alice’s hand, which she’d flipped over, and into her palm. “No, you’re not a bad snake.”

She walked over to one of the window seats tucked into a discreet corner of the shop. There wasn’t a lot of foot traffic on that side of the street, so the outside world stood by like a painting while she sat down, Crowley still coiled in her hand, and she let out an unconscious sigh of relief, setting her free hand on her continuously growing tummy.

“I hurt someone who cared about me.” She admitted after a few moments of silence. “I was awful to him. He didn’t do anything to me. I just pushed him away because of what he is. What he used to be.” Was she…talking about him? There was so much guilt in her voice and her face was riddled with remorse. He lifted his head again and affectionately bumped his nose to her thumb. A little smile came over her face. “Do you think he’ll forgive me?”

A bit of a jolt passed through Crowley. She wanted to ask a demon for forgiveness? No, he was jumping to conclusions. Maybe she meant Aziraphale. Yeah that had to be it. She was worried Aziraphale was mad at her. That…didn’t make any sense, she was scared of him sure, but she hadn’t done anything to outright villainize the angel. She couldn’t…she meant him?

It shocked him so much that a loud, surprised hiss emerged from him, causing Alice to flinch, dropping him onto the cushion next to her.

“Oh goodness!” She gasped. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to drop you. You just startled me is all. No, it’s not your fault, I’m sorry.”

Crowley did his best to show that he wasn’t hurt or angry, but seeing as he was a snake, that was easier said than done. The best he could do was give her a little wiggle and another little hiss. She gave him a weak smile back before her face fell again.

“I just feel so bad for how I’ve treated y…my friend. I, I just…Oh let’s stop pretending, Crowley. I know it’s you. You can change back.”

He froze for a second, a nervous hiss getting caught in his throat. She’d figured him out?! She _was_ smart.

The snake looked back up at Alice, who was looking at her hands folded in her lap just in front of her belly. Her eyes weren’t closed but they were cast so low, they might as well have been. There was so much shame and depression around her.

With a thought, Crowley’s body began to lengthen and squirm, his neck becoming thicker and red curls sprouting from his head. Limbs grew from between the scales, which began to fade into his skin and clothing. In almost no time, where a small, foot long snake once was, now sat a lanky red haired demon. There was a bit of an awkward silence while the two let the gravity of Alice’s one sided conversation sink in. Crowley sighed and reached into his pocket, going for the pair of sunglasses he’d tucked away before turning into his snake form. Alice noticed him unfolding the glasses and her small voice broke the silence.

“Wait.” She said. “May I…may I see your eyes please?”

Crowley kept his eyes low, not too sure he’d heard her correctly. “Are…are you sure?”

“Mmm hmm.” Alice said quietly. “I…think I may have been a little quick to judge the last time I saw them.”

With a shrug, Crowley folded the glasses and stuck them back into his pocket before raising his eyes to look at Alice. There was a brief look of fear in her eyes before it morphed into concentration, then sympathy.

“They’re…they’re kind of pretty now that I get a better look at them.”

Crowley chuckled. “You don’t have to lie to make me feel better, kid.”

“No, no.” Alice said. “I-I mean, yes they are a little unsettling at first. Oh jeez, that was rude I’m so sorry.”

“Nah, ’s alright. You were being honest about it. I appreciate that.” Crowley said, trying to hide the slight pain in his voice.

“Well, just at first.” Alice went on. “They’re not too bad. They have a nice color.” She was quiet for a moment. “I meant what I said. I…I’m really sorry for how I’ve treated you. It was unfair of me to judge you based on what you are without remembering who you are.” There was a bit of a quiver to her voice, but for the most part, she was steady. The picture of humility and maturity. Something that had always amused Crowley (in a mischievous, demonic way) is when people made a show of apologizing, like they were trying to make themselves feel better instead of the person they’d hurt or like they were trying to convince everyone around them that they were a good person. Alice wasn’t like that. She was quiet, firm, and to the point. Was this the same girl who’d been too scared to even ask someone to sit with her when she’d been sick or scared? “I didn’t mean to be so rude and insensitive. I…I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay. You were scared.”

“That shouldn’t be an excuse.” Alice said, shame apparent on her face.

“It’s not an excuse, but it is an explanation. People do stupid things sometimes when they’re afraid, it messes with their mind. And it’s okay. You just need a little patience with yourself.”

A quick breath that may have been a very weak laugh came from Alice. “That’s what Anathema said.”

“She’s a smart person. I’d listen to her if I were you.”

Another stronger laugh followed the first. “So, you’re not mad?” Alice asked quietly.

Crowley gave her a lopsided smile. “No, kid. Not mad, never was mad. You were just scared.”

Alice sighed. “I still am scared.” She admitted. “And I hate it.” She pulled her arms in, clinging to her elbows. “I don’t want to be scared of you. I know you’ve done so much to help me and make me feel comfortable and welcome, but every time I look at you all I can think of are the stories and sermons I’ve heard about demons and how the only thing they feel is hate and the only thing they want is my soul.” Crowley grimaced, doing his best to make sure his expression wasn’t seen by Alice, but of course things could never go as you wanted. “I-I’m sorry.” The girl murmured. “I hope I didn’t bring up a sore topic for you.”

“You’re fine. Yeah it isn’t something I’m proud of. I honestly didn’t mean to fall but I still did and there was a lot of resentment in me, towards God, towards my fellow demons, towards the angels that didn’t fall, but mostly towards myself. Still do feel a lot of that resentment, if I’m being honest.” He sighed, not tense or frustrated, but easy and simple. “You know what helped me process?” Alice shook her head. “Humanity. Well, humanity and Aziraphale. Of course he was a huge source of emotional support. But I watched humanity go through so much shit that God put them through, that me and my people put them through, and still bounce back.” He chuckled. “You humans are a bunch of clever and resilient little buggers.” Alice giggled. “That was pretty endearing to watch. And it honestly helped me get into a healthier headspace. Granted, I’m still one fucked up demon,” Alice tensed at his harsh language, “but I’m getting there.”

“Did…did it hurt? Falling?” Alice asked shyly, before going pale. “I’m sorry, that’s probably something really personal. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Hey, hey, slow down there. It’s okay. If you had asked me three years ago, I probably would have gotten offended at that question. But since I cut ties with Hell, it’s a lot easier for me to talk about it. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t an easy process to go through to get where I am, there were a lot of sleepless nights spent sobbing and holding onto Aziraphale, there were countless hours spent in total anxiety, but I got here.” He took a breath, readying himself. “Yeah. Yeah it did hurt. Hurt like a real bitch.” Alice tensed again. “It felt like someone had lit a fire in my stomach and it was burning away everything inside me, ripping at my flesh, it was the most intense pain of my existence. And my back was one of the worst parts. My wings burned and turned black…yeah it was really painful. I think the worst part was when I hit the ground, I felt really alone.” By now, he’d forgotten that he was recounting a memory with someone still there with him, his tongue had continued to run while his mind was elsewhere. Millenia of staying tightlipped about his trauma from falling and suddenly starting to describe it, he went into sort of a strange autopilot, like he usually did. Except this time, he wasn’t thinking it, he was saying it out loud and he didn’t realize he was probably traumatizing Alice until he was well into his spiel. “Completely isolated. And numb too. Like no one in existence cared about me. I was in so much pain and I was expected to just suck it up and…” he suddenly snapped back into reality and realized Alice was still listening to him rattle on about something really messed up. “Shit, I’m sorry kid. I didn’t mean to get so graphic about that, and I didn’t mean to dump on you. I…” That’s when he noticed Alice’s expression. It wasn’t entirely fear. There was fear on her face, but there was something else too. Sympathy. No, not sympathy, well yes sympathy, but in addition to that, there was empathy. There was a look in her eyes that Crowley very often saw on Aziraphale’s face. A desire to comfort and assist…to give someone the care and empathy they never got.

_Jesus fucking Christ what had happened to this kid?_

“I’m sorry I asked. I didn’t mean to bring up something sensitive or bother you.” Alice said quietly.

“It’s okay, kid.” Crowley said, putting a hand on her shoulder. A bit of relief came to him when she didn’t flinch away, though he did mentally kick himself for not asking first. “It’s okay.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Crowley stood up and stretched.

“Well, it’s going on 2:00 and I need a nap.” He said before turning around. A small tug on his shoulder stopped him. When he looked back, Alice was looking up at him, her green eyes wide with confusion, like she was searching for the right thing to say. Finally, after a bit of mulling it over, she simply said two words.

“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Just one more week and then I'm done with this semester. I only have two essays, a book I need to read, several shorter papers, and then after that I have finals....fuck. Don't worry I'll make it through. And writing has honestly kept me sane throughout all this. I hope you all are having just a wonderful week. Last night I was able to bake some cookies to destress and I'm gonna bring them to improv later (they're also for my friend's birthday).  
> So Alice is finally starting to ease back into things again. She's still scared but she's also beginning to form a bit of trust for the husbands again.  
> I hope you all liked that chapter/artwork (I worked really hard on both). Kudos and comments always make me very happy and fuel my writing. Thank you all so much for reading and have a very lovely day.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: References to past abuse

Aziraphale wouldn’t exactly say he was in a foul mood, or even a bad mood. He was irritated, that much was for sure. The seller he met with claimed to have a first edition of one of Charlotte Bronte’s, but it was a fake, anyone with half a mind could have seen that. So Aziraphale unfortunately walked away empty handed. When he decided to stop by the bakery to perhaps pick up some of those delightful croissants, the young lady behind the counter informed him that they were out for the day. So while Aziraphale wasn’t in a foul mood, he certainly wasn’t happy.

It was nearing 3:30 when he finally made it back to the shop. He was regretting not taking Crowley up on his offer to give him a lift to his rendezvous because walking to the library a few miles down the road, where the seller had agreed to meet him, wasn’t as pleasant a walk as he’d expected. The chill in the air didn’t agree with him and the wind had begun to pick up as he was walking back so he was quite ready for a mug of cocoa and an evening spent under a blanket with a book (or perhaps snuggling with Crowley).

He was quite relieved when he made it back to the shop, though his cheeks were rather pink and raw from the biting wind and his hand shook a little as he reached for the knob.

As he stepped inside, something felt different. There of course was the obvious, the quiet and still atmosphere of the bookshop was leagues away from the bustle of the Soho streets, but there was something missing. The angel sniffed the air and a relieved smile came to his face. The tension and fear were no longer there. Well, they were actually they still existed in the shop, but the potency of them had lessened significantly. Before it was actually stifling, hanging around the whole shop and flat like a fog. Now, it was like it was just a breeze, still concerning, but not suffocating.

What had happened while he was gone?

There were a few noises from upstairs. Sounds of voices and a few clinks of metal. Dropping his coat onto the coatrack, the angel made his way through the main area of the shop and up the stairs in the back, up to the flat.

“Too much flour?” He heard Crowley ask.

There was silence for a moment before a second voice sounded. “J-just a bit, but it’s not the end of the world.” That was Alice’s voice.

A small lift of joy sprinkled into the angel’s chest. She sounded happy. There were still nerves and fear in her voice but for the first time in a week and a half, she sounded happy.

Still feeling quite giddy, Aziraphale walked to the kitchen where he found Crowley and Alice standing amidst a mess of ingredients on the counter. One large bowl was in the center of them, with Alice stirring the ingredients together while Crowley acted as her sous-chef, fetching and measuring what ingredients she needed. Scattered around the counter were yeast, water, two different kinds of flour, salt, rosemary, and a little glass jar with sourdough starter inside. Aziraphale knew his fiancé was quite the chef, and Alice had shown time and again that she was a phenomenal baker, so the angel was quite eager to see what the result would be when the two put their heads together

“Okay, why don’t we separate this into two bowls, so we can tell the rosemary and sourdough breads apart?” Crowley suggested. Alice looked a little nervous.

“Won’t Aziraphale get angry if we make too big of a mess?” Alice squeaked, the fear still present in her voice made an ache rise in Aziraphale’s heart.

Crowley looked back at Alice, a concerned expression on his face, before he smiled and held out his hand. After a moment or two of hesitation, Alice reached out her hand as well, letting Crowley give it a little reassuring squeeze. “He won’t be. Aziraphale isn’t the type to get angry about much. And if he is, I’ll tell him it’s my fault.”

“No, that wouldn’t be fair to you.” Alice protested. “After all, I-I was the one who suggested we bake something and, well…”

“That may be, but getting the second bowl was my idea. So if he does get angry, which I doubt he will, it’ll be at me. Not at you.” He gave her hand another little squeeze before letting it go. “But trust me, we don’t hafta worry about that. Aziraphale won’t be angry.”

Alice bit her lip but eventually sighed and said, “If you say so.”

Crowley gave her a smile and then began rifling around ind the cupboard until he found a large, glass bowl, which he set on the counter. The demon poured half the contents of the full bowl into the empty one, taking it for himself and leaving the other for Alice.

“You want to take care of the sourdough or the rosemary bread?” Alice asked, picking up a little pouch and a sprig of herbs.

“You decide.” Crowley said.

Alice thought for a few moments before she handed the rosemary to Crowley, taking the jar of sourdough for herself. Crowley separated the sprigs from the stem, setting them aside before pouring some water into his bowl. Alice measured about half a cup of sourdough before adding it to her bowl and mixing in the water as well.

Crowley took a whisk for himself and handed one to Alice and the two began stirring their bowls in silence, an air of tentative relaxation in the room, like beckoning a stray dog to sniff your hand. The dog isn't sure if it's going to get a pet or a hit, but is willing to take the risk and hoping for a pet. Aziraphale wouldn’t go so far as to say that things were fully relaxed, but he would gladly settle for this for now.

It was quite a lovely scene to watch. Aziraphale had played witness to Alice using baking as a calming technique perhaps three or four times now, but it was always so nice to see the girl settle into her own rhythm and he always felt so relieved when he saw how at home she looked in the kitchen with a bowl and a whisk in her hand (especially since she was always eager to share whatever treat she’d baked). It was especially relieving to see it now, after the horrid week she’d had. The stress she’d undergone would have been enough to have anyone crumbling, but she still withstood, which Aziraphale was both shocked and awed by, but he was also terrified by how hard she was pushing herself. But now, she looked more relaxed than he’d seen her in a while. Granted, that wasn’t a very wide margin, but it was a start and it was quite a lovely sight to behold. They would get there soon.

One step at a time.

“Think this is mixed enough?” Crowley asked.

Alice looked at the bowl in his arms, her eyebrows knit in concentration, before she looked back up at Crowley.

“N-not quite. Just a bit more.” She pointed to the rim of the mixture where there were still some clumps of flour that had yet to be mixed in fully. “It should be smooth and thick. Almost solid.”

Crowley nodded. “I’m more of a dinner cook, I’m not very good at baking.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.” Alice said. “You just need a bit of practice.” The girl bit her lip. “Oh, was that rude of me? I-I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize, kid. It’s okay.” Crowley said, giving Alice a reassuring smile. “It _is_ true. I do need a bit more practice.”

Aziraphale noticed something while he watched the two of them work. Crowley wasn’t wearing his sunglasses. What was more, Alice didn’t seem too bothered by this. She would still glance at Crowley out of the corner of her eye every so often and once or twice, her gaze would wander to the upper part of Crowley’s face, but it wasn’t entirely out of fear. Aziraphale couldn’t identify what the other motivation was, but it wasn’t just fear.

“I think we can let this rest for an hour or so. Then we can start kneading it.” Alice said, looking at the two sets of bowls.

“You two seem to be hard at work.” Aziraphale said with a chuckle as he entered the kitchen.

Alice glanced over her shoulder, going slightly pale when she saw him.

“Oh, I-I’m sorry. This was my idea. We should have asked first, a-and we made such a mess. I…I’m sorry.”

“Now now, there’s nothing to be sorry for, dear one.” Aziraphale assured, relieved to see the shy smile returning to her face. “How was lunch?”

Just as quickly as the smile appeared, it went away again. “It was nice. I…I wasn’t entirely honest with you.” She admitted.

“Oh?” Aziraphale asked as Crowley picked up two towels and laid them over the bowls. “Anything you’d like to talk about?”

The three of them sat down at the island in the middle of the kitchen, Alice looking rather downtrodden. “When I said I wanted to have lunch away from the bookshop, that part was true. But I wasn’t eating by myself.” She took a breath. “I was with Anathema.”

“That’s all?” Aziraphale asked, puzzled. What was so wrong about that?

Alice looked up at him, her face just as puzzled as he felt.

“You…You’re not angry?” She asked timidly.

“Goodness no. Why would I be angry about you getting lunch with Anathema? She’s your friend and she’s made it clear that if you ever needed her support, she would be there. So why is there a problem?”

“Because I lied to you. And…I went to talk to her about the two of you and this week and how I’ve been feeling. Isn’t that underhanded? Going behind your back like that?”

Aziraphale gave her an easy smile. “Not at all, child.” He said gently. “You are your own person. You are more than capable of making your own choices and what you want to keep private and what you want to share with us is your business and your business alone.”

Alice worried at the hem of her jumper, her eyes still downcast. “I don’t know. I spent…” a terrified look came to her eyes before she took a breath, letting herself calm down a bit before looking back up at them. “I spent so long hiding things and sneaking around when I lived at home and it made me feel so horrid. Like I was deceiving everyone around me. And it wasn’t fair to them. It isn’t fair to you to have to hide something like that. Especially since Anathema and I were talking about you two.”

“About us?” Crowley said.

Alice nodded. “I…was having trouble processing that you two are…an angel and a demon,” she said it with a twinge of fear in her voice, but there was also guilt behind the fear. Not that she was guilty she had snuck away, well she _was_ guilty about that, but she also seemed guilty that she was afraid, “and asking or talking to you two about it seemed…well it seemed strange.” She sighed heavily. “I’m so sorry, that sounds awful. I didn’t mean to insult you in any way or…”

“Hey, hey it’s alright, kid.” Crowley said, his voice uncharacteristically gentle. “You didn’t insult us. That’s perfectly valid. Sometimes you need an outside view. That’s why therapists exist.” He chuckled and smirked. “Though I don’t think a usual therapist would really know what to say to this.” Alice gave him a look. She didn’t find it funny. “Sorry. I sometimes use humor to avoid awkward situations.” He cleared his throat, which only made it more awkward. “Either way, you didn’t do anything to offend or insult us. It makes sense. You were having a difficult time processing what we are and it wouldn’t make sense for us to try and get you to cope with it. That’s not how this works.”

“You should be allowed to process things in your own time. If you need help from someone who wasn’t us, it’s more than alright if you seek it. Luckily, Anathema is quite a smart woman. She knows quite a bit about things most people don’t understand.”

Alice let a little smile stretch across her face. “Yeah. She’s a good friend.” She looked up at the two of them. “You’re certain you’re not angry with me?”

“Not at all, my girl.” Aziraphale assured.

Alice bit her lip, a look of pondering coming over her face. “Um, Mr. Aziraphale?” She asked timidly.

“Yes?”

“On Saturday, you asked if I needed anything. After I had that nightmare?” She said. “You were wondering if I needed anything specific to help me feel better.” Her voice kept getting more and more timid as she explained and Aziraphale could sense her getting more tense with every word she spoke. “You know what, never mind, it isn’t important.”

“I beg to differ.” Aziraphale said, keeping his voice neutral and kind. “If it’s something to help you feel better, then it is most certainly important. Especially after the week you’ve had.”

“Mmmh, okay.” She said, taking a breath. She let it out before taking another one and quickly asking, “Could I have a hug? Please?” She kept her eyes closed as she said it, like she was either ashamed or nervous to ask.

Whatever she was feeling or thinking, Aziraphale was proud of her for asking for what she needed. And he was thoroughly warmed that her idea of comfort was asking for a hug and that she was comfortable enough to ask for one from him.

“Absolutely.” He said, standing from his place at the island and walking over to Alice, who had stood up as well, and wrapped his arms protectively around the girl, putting as much angelic peace into his embrace as he could muster. At first, Alice was rigid, but after a second, she relaxed into the embrace and contently settled her head over Aziraphale’s chest and let out an easy sigh. When she pulled away, she looked towards Crowley.

“Could, erm…could I get a hug from you as well?” She asked. Crowley’s expression went from neutral to puzzled. “You don’t have to, f-forget I asked.” Alice said, one hand moving to tug at her elbow.

“No, no that’s not it.” He said. “I thought you were still scared of me.” There was a little bit of pain in his voice, but he did his best to mask it.

“A little, but I think I’ve gotten just a little bit more comfortable around you.” She sighed. “I’m still trying to work past what I’ve been taught about demons and I feel like if I stay away from you until I’m comfortable, I won’t ever change. I…I don’t want to be afraid of you. And I want to try and do something to change it.”

Crowley stood up. “That’s a brave way of looking at it, but it’s okay if you don’t want to push yourself too hard.”

“I know.” She said, a weak smile coming over her face. Crowley gave her a smile back before pulling her into an embrace. A flash of love bloomed in the room. At first it was unclear who it was coming from, Aziraphale pondered if it came from Crowley, Alice, or himself, but his question was soon answered when a noise came from Alice.

“Oh,” she sighed, before following it up with a little laugh. Crowley pulled away and the girl set a hand on her tummy, which was continuing to grow larger with each passing day.

“Everything okay?” Crowley asked, looking down at her.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” Alice breathed. “Sometimes when I’m feeling a lot, the baby…they move. Not a lot, just enough that I can feel it. I like it. It feels nice. It feels…it feels like they love me.” A warm, easy expression came over her face as she rubbed a circle over her enlarged stomach.

Aziraphale smiled as well and put his arm around her, giving her a sideways embrace, which the girl tentatively leaned into, her expression still easy and more relaxed Aziraphale had seen her in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems Alice is starting to get a bit more comfortable around the bois. She's trying her best and she needed some soft after all the crap I've put her through.  
> Anyway, now I'm back home because my school went on winter break super early (we started super early too so we still had a full semester). I'm still a little stressed about exams and final projects and what have you but after this week and next week, I'm a free bird.  
> I hope you enjoyed that chapter, comments and kudos are always appreciated. Thank you as always for reading and have a lovely day.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Religious extremism and references to abuse

The three of them spent the rest of the afternoon in contented laziness, though Alice tried a few times to ask if there were any chores that needed done. Aziraphale rather got the feeling she still subscribed to the mindset that not doing anything was a bad thing (idle hands are the devil’s workshop and what have you, though anyone who tried to use that argument with him would be met with a sharp, “Even God rested on the seventh day” from the angel). Both Crowley and Aziraphale said that there was nothing that needed to be done until the dough was done rising, and that she had more than earned a bit of rest.

When she wasn’t worrying over chores, she was continuing T _he Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_ , poring through chapter after chapter. Aziraphale was almost tempted to let her keep reading while he and Crowley finished making the bread but he figured it would be best to let her finish it or else she might become anxious. So when the dough was ready to be kneaded, he gently reminded her of the two bowls of dough rising on the counter.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I lost track of the time.” Alice apologized, quickly shutting the book. “I-it won’t happen again.”

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for, my dear. You’ve done nothing wrong. I just thought you wouldn’t want your dough to sit out too long is all.” Aziraphale explained gently.

Alice flushed as she rose from the couch and made her way back out to the kitchen. Crowley stood from his chair and followed her out and the two spent a good fifteen minutes kneading before popping the loaves in the oven. In less than a half an hour, the entire kitchen was filled with the delicious smell of baking bread. Rather than resume her reading on the couch, Alice picked up the book and read at the kitchen table.

“I just want to be nearby in case something goes wrong with them.” She had explained when she came out to get the book. After a second of thought, she giggled.

“What are you laughing at?” Aziraphale chided, keeping his voice light so she wouldn’t think he was mocking her.

She looked self conscious for a moment before the grin came back over her face and she put a hand on her stomach. “I’m checking on my bun in the oven.” She joked

Crowley rolled his eyes, smirking and Aziraphale let out a warm chuckle.

“Clever.” Crowley said, keeping his eyes on his mobile.

Alice lightly pat her belly before a nervous look came over her face. “Goodness I hope that doesn’t mean I’m having twins.” She said blankly before her expression returned to cheerful, though the nerves were still there. Aziraphale didn’t want to bother the girl too much so he left her be, reasoning that if he felt things were becoming too much for her again, he would ask if she needed to talk.

Soon, the lovely scent of baking bread become much stronger, filling the entire flat, the only sound coming from the occasional click from the oven, which sometimes needed to adjust for the heat. Around fifteen minutes after the bread went into the oven, however, Alice let out a loud, “WHAT?!”

Aziraphale dropped his book and ran into the kitchen, only to find Alice with her nose buried in her book and her eyes wide.

“Is everything alright, my dear?” Aziraphale asked, doing his best to keep the worry out of his voice.

This broke Alice from her concentration and when she saw Aziraphale standing in front of her, she went pale. “Oh, I said that out loud didn’t I…I-I’m sorry I didn’t mean to bother you. Please forgive me.” She began to tremble. Aziraphale slowly approached her, causing a flinch to break out over her body. The angel held up his hands and stayed where he was.

“It’s alright, my girl. You’ve done nothing wrong. I just wanted to make sure everything was alright with you.”

Alice began nervously worrying at one of her hands. “I didn’t meant to make you worry or to bother you. I…I’m so sorry.”

“May I sit down?” Aziraphale asked. Alice nodded and Aziraphale took one of the open seats near the island. “You have done nothing wrong and I am not angry or upset. You are alright.” Alice nodded again, letting out a breath, thought Aziraphale could still sense the fear around her. “So what was the outburst for, if you’ll permit my asking?”

Alice held up the book, her thumb marking a page very close to the end. “Doctor Jekyll _is_ Mister Hyde.” She said excitedly. “I had no idea. I thought they were just close relatives or even just friends. But no they’re the same person?! I wasn’t expecting that at all! And now Hyde is dead, that means Jekyll is dead too! I…I wasn’t expecting any of this!” There was an excitement in her voice and pure glee in her eyes as she held the book to the open page. “I mean, I had my suspicions, but I had no idea how Stevenson was going to pull it off. I mean a mutation in the chemicals salt caused the elixir to work? And-and then Jekyll couldn’t control when he transformed into Hyde, it was just gripping. I have so many theories on why that is, because after all Jekyll is supposed to represent the moral side of the human while Hyde is the immoral but Jekyll himself is human and-“ When the girl realized how long she’d been talking, and how loud she’d been talking, she went pale. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go on like that. You probably didn’t want to listen to me blabber on and on like that.”

Aziraphale had been rather enjoying Alice’s review of the book. He did so love it when people got into reading as much as he did (it made him feel less alone in a way) and he adored the way Alice’s eyes lit up as she was talking.

“No, no my dear. Don’t apologize. I’m quite glad you enjoyed the book. It is one of my favorites.” He gave her a reassuring smile.

“Y-you’re sure I wasn’t too annoying?” She asked quietly.

“Absolutely sure.” He said. She gave him a little smile back. “So have you finished it?” He asked.

“Almost. I’m about two pages from the end.” She said.

“Well then I won’t interrupt you.” Aziraphale said.

“Oh it’s alright I can finish it later.”

“Why don’t I grab my book as well and we can both read. I know how invested you are and I would hate to pull you away from the story when you’re so close to the end.” Aziraphale offered.

“If you’re sure…okay then.”

The angel gave her a smile and walked back out to the living room and picked up his book from the coffee table.

“Everything okay in there?” Crowley asked.

“Yes everything is just fine. She just got a bit too invested in the plot of her book is all. Just couldn’t keep her surprise in.” He chuckled a little bit.

“Girl after your own heart.” Crowley said, looking back down at his mobile with a smirk across his lips.

Aziraphale rolled his eyes as he pressed a kiss to the crown of the demon’s head and walked back out to the kitchen, where Alice was once again, fully immersed in the book. Shortly after he sat down, Alice flipped to the final page, her eyes quickly running along the words, before she closed the book with a sigh.

“Finished?” Aziraphale asked. Alice nodded as she handed the book back to Aziraphale. “So what did you think?”

“It was marvelous! I wish I’d read it sooner. Trisha was right, it is an amazing story.”

Aziraphale chuckled warmly before a memory passed through his mind, of when Alice had first began reading the book and let something slip about why she hadn’t read it before.

“Alice, feel free to not answer if you’re uncomfortable, but were you allowed to read certain books back home?” He asked carefully.

A few expressions passed over Alice’s face in quick succession, fear, anger, anxiety, before finally she took a breath and shook her head.

“Dad didn’t want us reading any books that would put devilish ideas into our head. _Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_ was actually one of the ones he actively condemned and forbid from being in our house. My sister had to read it for school and he refused to let her get it from the library because it promoted demonic practices and witchcraft.” It took all of Aziraphale’s willpower to keep from snorting at the backwards logic. So that’s what they were calling science nowadays? “He also didn’t like that a human was trying to control God’s creation.” That Aziraphale could at least understand to a small degree. He’d seen far too many humans try to get power in very foolish ways and it always ended badly for them. “Whenever a teacher assigned a book on his condemned list he would always send them harsh notes and scream at them in meetings that he didn’t want his children reading books of the devil and that he would decide what we could or couldn’t read. That’s why he pulled us out of school after eighth grade and had us homeschooled. After my older sister needed to read _Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_ , he decided that he wouldn’t let his children enter high school, or in his words, the Devil’s playground, unless he was the one making the curriculum.” She sighed. “We had a tutor, so he wouldn’t have to waste his time making us understand. He was a busy man, he had work, and well, I kept asking too many questions and…” Alice cringed, going tight lipped. Aziraphale held out his hand and when Alice opened her eyes, she looked at his face, then his outstretched palm before setting her hand in his. He gave it a comforting squeeze before she continued. “We were only allowed to read what he allowed. the Bible, religious texts, books by CS Lewis. Don’t get me wrong, I adore _The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe_ , but after reading it for the twentieth time…” She trailed off and Aziraphale nodded.

Something was different about this memory she’d shared with him. She didn’t seem too afraid to share this one and seemed almost willing. Aziraphale wondered if her father had forbid her from telling anyone about his abuse towards her. Well that was a silly question. Anyone who was an abuser made sure their victims stayed silent. But perhaps Alice wasn’t so uneasy about sharing this one because her father was very outspoken towards anyone who would listen about his thoughts of what his children could and couldn’t read. As an avid lover of books and children, this was practically unforgivable in Aziraphale’s eyes.

He gave Alice’s hand another squeeze. “Thank you for telling me that. That was very brave of you.”

Alice looked away. “It was nothing really. Nothing worth getting excited about.”

“My dear, opening up about difficult things you’ve been through is never easy. I’m quite proud of you for doing so.” Alice gave him a little smile, though her eyes were still cast downwards. “Would you care to pick out another book, since you’ve finished this one?” He asked, changing the subject.

Alice looked back up at him, here eyes shining with excitement. “Y-you’ll let me borrow another one?” She asked in disbelief.

“Certainly. You enjoyed this one so much and there are so many wonderful books you haven’t read. If you want to, I’d be happy to let you borrow any book you’d like.”

Alice bit her lip. “Do…do you have anymore mystery novels?” She asked.

“Absolutely.” Aziraphale said, standing from the island and leading her down into the bookshop and towards a section towards the further end of the building, near his office. There were two shelves that were filled with the finest mystery books Aziraphale could get his hands on. He was rather proud of this collection and all the well known names in it; Agatha Christie, Edgar Allan Poe, Daphne Du Maurier, Josephine Tey, and of course Sir Conan Doyle. Alice’s eyes grew wide as she looked over all the titles and her fingers carefully traced along the faded spines and the fine leather binding the books. After a few minutes of searching, her eyes fell on a copy of _A Study in Scarlet_ and pulled it form the shelf. She looked from the cover to Aziraphale, who gave her a smile and said, “A very superb book, I do hope you enjoy it.”

Alice held the book to her chest as she hugged Aziraphale, surprising the angel for only a moment before he wrapped his arms around her as well.

“Thank you, Aziraphale.” She said quietly.

“Of course, my dear. You’re very welcome.” He pulled away. “Now let’s head back upstairs and see how the bread is doing.”

Alice gave him a smile and the two walked back upstairs, just as the timer was going off.

The three of them had the bread with dinner that evening and Aziraphale only had good things to say about it. After the dishes were cleared, the three then went back to the living room, Crowley watching a rerun of The Golden Girls while Alice and Aziraphale were both buried in their books. A few times, Aziraphale would look up to see how Alice was doing and was thoroughly pleased when he saw how immersed the girl was in her book. He smiled before going back to his own reading, glad that she was getting comfortable around them again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It seems that Alice is starting to get a bit more comfortable around the bois again. As many of you have pointed out, she needs all the love and hugs.  
> So I've _FINALLY_ finished my work for finals week. In total I wrote 3 essays (a reflection on the book _Purple Hibiscus_ which now that I think about it is pretty fitting considering the story I'm writing, a group paper for my psych class, and a rehearsal journal/directing notebook/class reflection for my Directing for the Stage class) and made 1 powerpoint (about the lack of female voices in postcolonial accounts and the oppression that women face both in colonialism and in post colonialism). Now that that's done, I just need to present all those next week and then take my psych exam on Tuesday. I'm so _so_ close to being done. Huzzah!   
> Anyway, I really hope you guys liked that chapter and you're all doing well. Kudos and comments are always appreciated and make me feel loved. Thank you as always for reading and have a very lovely day.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: References to past abuse

The rest of the week passed by without too much event. Alice was able to go back to work on Wednesday and was content with helping customers however she was able. There were some instances where Crowley would slither into a secluded place in the shop for a nap and if Alice ever found him, she would let out a giggle and deposit the tiny snake either on her shoulder or in her pocket, both places Crowley found quite comfortable and Alice enjoyed having a friend on her shoulder if she was feeling lonely or anxious. There was another instance where a customer was rude to Alice and very nearly triggered another panic, but before Alice was in too deep, Crowley affectionately bumped his snoot to her cheek and whispered in a little hiss that only Alice could hear.

_“Jusssssst breathe, kid. It’ssss gonna be alright.”_

Alice was able to calm herself and get back to working while Aziraphale told the customer to leave. Alice came to enjoy finding Crowley curled up in his serpent form and then have him sit on her shoulder. It became almost a game for the two of them (which Aziraphale thought was just darling). At one point Crowley had made a “demon on your shoulder” joke, which at first mildly offended Alice but she soon laughed it off and went about her day. This snake-on-the-shoulder bit did wonders with scaring off customers, though there were a few who stuck around and would ask the girl about what kind of snake he was (and what he was doing on her shoulder).

Aziraphale was loathed to actually sell his books but he was able to let a few go for the sake of keeping up an appearance, but now Alice was aware (even if she still didn’t fully understand it or feel 100% comfortable) of him and Crowley of them being supernatural and able to make money appear out of thin air, so there was a bit more of an understanding as to why Aziraphale paid her so much. The girl still would only accept money if she felt she’d earned it, so Aziraphale allowed a few books to be let go. He knew if Alice was aware of how little he wanted to sell them, she would feel even worse and would likely not accept any kind of payment and that was the last thing he wanted. But for the most part, the rest of the week passed by quite nicely. There weren’t any major incidents and if Aziraphale was feeling quite optimistic, he would have said that the week was absolutely lovely and nothing had gone wrong. In fact, he _was_ feeling quite optimistic. It had been a perfectly lovely week. He couldn’t say nothing had gone wrong, there were a few instances were Alice had made some very minor mistake, such as found the wrong book for a customer or put too much of a certain spice in whatever she was baking and would act as if she were being tried for murder. The poor dear was still holding herself to an impossibly high standard. But these instances were becoming less and less.

There was of course a darker implication to that though. Were they becoming less because Alice was actually getting better or was she getting better at hiding what she was feeling? He sincerely hoped it was the former but he wouldn’t be surprised if it was the latter.

For now, he would do his best to focus on the positives. Alice seemed happy and was slowly becoming more at ease around the two of them. He'd even go so far as to say that they were getting back to a the place they were before she discovered they weren't human. Perhaps he was wrong, but he hoped he wasn't.

One step at a time.

Soon enough it was Saturday morning and demon and angel were both getting dressed for the day, for once Aziraphale hadn't slept in his usual two hours, he'd found another old scroll that needed restoring and he was eager to get started on it.

"Angel have you seen my belt?"

"Which one dear?" Aziraphale asked back as he finished tying his bowtie.

"The one with the brass buckle. The one you gave me as a gift."

Aziraphale glanced from his reflection in the mirror to his fiancé staring at the open wardrobe like the thing had called him a wanker. "When..."

"Two years after the notpocalypse."

Aziraphale rolled his eyes as he strode over to the wardrobe, lacing his arm around Crowley's waist. "Must you call it that?" He teased.

Crowley smirked. "Would you prefer I call it 'the day I finally told hell to piss off'?" Aziraphale laughed. The smirk on Crowley's face lengthened to a full grin. He'd though Aziraphale was the most gorgeous thing he'd ever seen that day on the wall and for six thousand years he longed to just lean down and kiss those plump cheeks. He was glad he didn't have to hold back anymore, so he did just that, smirking once again when he saw just how red the angel's cheeks became after he did.

"Well to answer your question, dearest, no I haven't seen it." Aziraphale answered. Crowley huffed, pulling out the one he usually wore, with the buckle in the shape of a snake head. He was about to say something snippy when something made him pause.

“Darling, what is it?” Aziraphale asked.

“D’you hear that?” Crowley answered with a question of his own. Aziraphale tuned his ears. A soft voice floated from down the hall. It sounded like someone was singing.

“ _I don’t know how to love him._

_What to do how to move him._

_I’ve been changed. Yes really changed._

_In these past few days when I’ve seen myself,_

_I seem like someone else_.”

Crowley and Aziraphale crept across the hall to find the door to Alice’s room open slightly. When the two peeked inside, they found Alice sitting on her bed, facing away from them. Even if she was towards them, she likely wouldn’t have noticed them. Her head was angled down and she seemed to be focussed intently on her bump, both her hands were running up and down the swell of her stomach as she sang, her soft, gentle voice filling the room.

“ _I don’t know how to take this._

_I don’t see why he moves me._

_He’s a man. He’s just a man._

_And I’ve had so many men before_

_In very many ways. He’s just one more_.”

There’s was so much passion in her voice and there was nothing but pure love surrounding her. Love for the little being inside her getting stronger with every passing day. And she cherished that feeling. Cherished that little being. The sight moved Aziraphale so much.

“ _Should I bring him down?_

_Should I scream and shout?_

_Should I speak of love?_

_Let my feelings out?_

_I never thought I’d come to this!_

_What’s it all about?_

_Don’t you think it’s rather funny?_

_I should be in this position?_

_I’m the one who’s alway’s been_

_So calm, so cool. No lover’s fool_

_running every show. He scares me so_.”

Her hands were so slow and almost reverent as they ran over her bump, cradling the swollen flesh like it was something fragile and delicate but the absolute love and devotion in her voice and aura was that of someone who would break over and over again for the tiny, frail being. Aziraphale had only seen love this strong and pure from people who had been through their own version of hell and didn’t want to see the world suffer like they did. Crowley had told him many times that he saw this kind of love reflected in him, and likewise Aziraphale saw it in the demon. Both for him and for Alice.

A warm arm rested around Aziraphale’s shoulder as Crowley pulled his fiancé close as they listened to Alice as she continued to sing.

“ _I never thought I’d come to this!_

_What’s it all about?_

_Yet if he said he loved me,_

_I’d be lost. I’d be frightened._

_I couldn’t cope. Just couldn’t cope._

_I’d turn my head. I’d back away._

_I wouldn’t want to know. He scares me so._

_I want him so._

_I love him so._ ”

Once the final note faded, Aziraphale couldn’t stop himself from bursting out, “Bravo my dear!”

Alice whirled around, fear and embarrassment in her eyes. “Oh, goodness. I didn’t know you two were watching. I’m sorry. Was I being too loud?”

“No no, child. Not at all. Not in the slightest.” Aziraphale assured. “May we come in?” Even though Alice wasn’t as afraid of them anymore, they still wanted to respect her space and her privacy whenever possible.

She nodded and they both stepped into the room, sitting on either side of her bed.

“You weren’t bothering us at all. We rather enjoyed it.” Aziraphale said.

“Got a nice voice, kid.” Crowley said.

“Thank you,” Alice said, flushing slightly, not really sure what to do with herself with all the praise she was receiving. “I just thought they’d want to hear some music. It must be boring in there all day.” She gave her stomach a little pat. “My mum told me that before I was born, she would sometimes sing hymns to me.”

“So you’re a fan of _Jesus Christ Superstar?_ ” Crowley asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Kinda.” Alice said, her face falling a little.

“What do you mean?” Aziraphale asked. Alice bit her lip, the air around her became charged with nerves. “If you do not wish to say, you don’t have to.”

Alice sighed. “We…weren’t allowed to listen to it. Back home I mean. Dad thought it was immoral and mocked Christ. He said it was written by the devil and deserved the fire.”

Crowley snorted. “I don’t know if Lloyd Webber belongs to hell or heaven. Can’t be sure, bloke isn’t dead yet. So your dad has a fifty percent chance of being wrong.”

Alice chuckled weakly. “I managed to listen to some of it when I was in seventh grade. I looked it up during study hall in the computer lab and listened to it while I did my homework. And I liked it.” She grimaced. “But then I got really scared that I had sinned. I disobeyed my dad, broke a commandment. What was even worse, I enjoyed it. It was my first time ever going against my father and I loved how it felt. I thought there was something wrong with me.” She looked down at herself. “It…It kinda scared me, how happy listening to the music made me.” She shivered.

Aziraphale put his hand on the girl’s shoulder. “My dear, do you think God created you because She wanted you to be miserable?” He asked gently.

Alice shrugged. “I’m not sure.” She said. “I know that there are a lot of things in life that bring joy but I was told that I need to be able to tell the difference between happiness that comes from temptation and true joy from God.” She shivered. “Immorality only gives a fleeting burst of false happiness.” She quoted blankly.

Aziraphale rubbed his chin. “I do agree that there are things that only deliver false happiness. But I don’t agree that God doesn’t want you to find joy where you can. I can assure you that the times when She is happiest are when her children are happy.”

Alice sighed. “I was told that only true joy comes from God. All else is sin.”

Aziraphale thought a little more. “You’re happy when you bake, correct?” Alice nodded. “And when you read?” Another nod. “When you knit with me? When Crowley sits on your shoulder? When you feel the little one move? All those bring you joy, do they not?”

“Absolutely.” Alice said.

“Who’s to say they don’t come from God either?” Aziraphale posed. “God gave you your gift of baking, to bring fulfillment to those around you and to give yourself something that makes you happy. God gave those authors the gifts of their words to bring joy to all who read them. And if you wish to look at it this way, God sent you to Crowley and myself so you may have safety and love.”

Alice began rubbing her tummy again. “What about the baby?” She asked. “Does it come from God as well?”

“I’ll let you answer that question for yourself.” Aziraphale said.

Alice bit her lip. "I want to believe it is, but..."

"But?" Crowley asked.

Alice sighed. “I’m not the first one in my community to get pregnant before marriage.” She whispered. “Before my siblings where born, there was a girl at our church who would watch me after Agnes, my older sister, got married and moved out. I think her name was Margaret. She was so kind and smart and everyone at our church regarded her with so much pride. Then, when I was about eight and Margaret was about nineteen, she got pregnant. She was shamed in front of the entire congregation. It was like every good thing she’d ever done was completely overshadowed by this one mistake.” The word caught in Alice’s through like a cough and she went pale, looking down at her swollen belly, an apologetic look in her eyes. Crowley put his hand on her shoulder as well, gently rubbing up and down her back. “The pastor said that the baby inside her was a curse from Satan. A trophy of her sin.” Alice was quiet for a long time. “Margaret wasn’t allowed back at our church after that.”She sighed again. “What bothered me so much is that last year, Agnes and her husband Marcus announced that they were pregnant with their first child. The thing is, Agnes was only a year and a half older than Margaret. So it wasn’t that she was too young. And it wasn’t that it was a fling like it was for me. Margaret and Stephen had been dating since they were sixteen and they were planning on getting married. But Margaret was excommunicated and Agnes was praised. The only difference was that Agnes had a ring on her finger and Margaret didn’t. It just bothered me so much. I knew that it was how things were supposed to work…” A look of pain came over her face. “Whores have no place in the house of God.” She said bitterly before looking up at Aziraphale. “I’m sorry, I know how much you hate that word.”

“It’s alright, love.” He said softly. “And I must admit, humans do tend to have some backwards ideals when it comes to love and marriage. Some tend to believe that a piece of brass around one’s finger and an official piece of paper is all they need. But there are countless people who are married to people who are just not right for them. Some are even married to people who are cruel to them. Do you think God sanctioned those spouses to be violent to the people they’re supposed to love?” Alice shook her head. “On the other end, there are people who have such lovely families and aren’t married. Aren’t even engaged.”

“Hell, Anathema and Newt were still only engaged and planning their wedding when Finn was conceived. Ana was three months pregnant when she walked down the aisle.” Crowley added.

“Do you think God looks on those couples and families with disdain?” Alice shook her head again. “The way I see it, there are rules that come directly from God Herself. The rest come from humanity, and they only believe that God is the one who made these rules. The unfortunate truth is that a lot of these beliefs have persisted from times when humanity were in very dark moments.”

Crowley shuddered. “Are you alright?” Alice asked.

“Thinking about the fourteenth century.” Crowley muttered. “Hated the bloody fourteenth century. He’s gotta point though.”

Alice gave the demon a quizzical look. “Is all this God talk making you uncomfortable?” She asked.

Crowley shook his head. “I like some debate from time to time. I get where God is coming from but I can’t exactly say I’m happy with how things have gone with how She’s been running things. But I still know that while She doesn’t do very much about people being cruel to one another, She doesn’t exactly approve.”

“Why else do you think the commandments ask that people show kindness to each other in the most basic of ways? Do not murder. Do not lie. Do not steal. Do not commit adultery.”

“Honor thy father and thy mother.” Alice added, her voice and face blank and numb. Aziraphale pulled her into a tight embrace. Over the girl’s shoulder, Crowley could see just how much pain was on Aziraphale’s face.

“You’re not the one who is wrong, darling girl. The way you were treated was abhorrent. It appalls me that there is so much emphasis on honoring parents but children are allowed to be treated with such cruelty.”

“…they were just trying to teach me how to behave properly.” Alice protested weakly. “I was a bad child. I kept asking questions and disobeying.”

“So your parents are allowed to beat you senseless and make you scared out of your mind and they get a free pass but you’re going to hell just for calling them out on their horse shit?” Crowley said bitterly.

Alice quivered in Aziraphale’s arms. “I…I don’t know.” She said weakly.

“It’s alright, my dear.” Aziraphale whispered as he gently ran his hand up and down Alice’s back. “I’m sorry we talked about something that made you so uncomfortable.”

Alice pulled away, sighing heavily. “‘M alright.” She murmured. “Just a lot to digest.”

“Well if you ever need to talk again, we’re willing to listen.” Aziraphale said.

“Thanks.” Alice answered. “I won't say I enjoyed that, but I didn't really hate it either. I never got to really debate what my siblings and I thought. It’s interesting to hear what other people think.”

Aziraphale smiled as he stood and walked out of the room, Crowley and Alice following behind. The three of them settled back in the living room, Crowley flipping through channels and Aziraphale and Alice working on their knitting. When the girl got the hang of the stitch Aziraphale taught her, she focused intently on her task, beginning to absentmindedly hum “I don’t know how to love him” once again. Halfway through her humming of the second verse, her body gave a little jolt.

“Oh!” She squeaked. She sat bolt upright and looked down at her belly, a smile coming to her face. Another jolt and another surprised gasp came from her.

“Alice? What’s wrong dear?” Aziraphale asked, setting down his needles.

A smile drifted across the girl’s face. “Nothing is wrong. Here, give me your hand. Crowley you too.”

Aziraphale held his hand out to Alice while Crowley muted the telly and moved from his armchair to the open seat on the couch next to Alice, holding out his hand as well. Alice set their hands on different spots on her belly, holding them there while she began humming the song again. After a few moments, a little thump pulsed against Aziraphale’s hand. Then a second and third.

“Oh my.” Aziraphale cooed, a soft smile coming to his face. “Hello there, little one.” Another kick bumped against his hand. A little chuckle escaped from Aziraphale. “Goodness, you’re quite lively today. You must have been feeling rather ignored.” A fifth kick.

“You’ve got an active little thing on your hands.” Crowley said, looking from his hand on Alice’s belly to the bright smile on her face.

Aziraphale looked up at Alice as well, smiling warmly at her. “I bet they’ll be just as spirited when they’re born.”

The smile faded from Alice’s lips. Only slightly. There was still an upward turn to the corners of her mouth but there was also a sadness to her eyes. “If I’m allowed to see them.”

Oh. Right.

“Have you heard anything from Anathema about Ezra and Maya?” Aziraphale asked tentatively.

Alice sighed and nodded. "She calls every other night to see how I'm doing and last night she gave me an update. They’re not willing to budge.” The girl laid her head on Aziraphale’s shoulder sighing heavily. “Maybe I should look for another family who’d be willing to adopt the baby?” She pondered.

“Only if you wish to. And we’d be willing to help you through that journey, whatever you choose.” Aziraphale assured.

As if aware of its mother’s distress, the baby gave another kick before going still, a little burst of love and energy flowing from Alice’s center. Alice squeezed her friends’ hands before sighing and picking up her knitting again.

The rest of the day was relatively calm. Alice helped make dinner, they used some of the herbs that Crowley grew (Alice went a little pale when she heard him describe how the cilantro had…disappointed him. The demon had to remind himself to be gentle around Alice to not frighten her further but he sometimes forgot when it came to disciplining his plants). After dinner they watched a film and Alice once again decided to call it an early night. Aziraphale blocked her voice in his head to give her some privacy while she prayed. After seeing how nervous she looked when he revealed he could hear her prayers, he wanted to give her as much space as possible. Besides, Crowley was beckoning him over and had something important to show him.

The demon was sitting at the kitchen table, a newspaper opened to the housing section, one house in particular was circled in red Sharpie.

“I think I found a good one, Angel.” He said. Aziraphale set a mug of tea by the demon’s elbow, clutching his own cup in his rather chilly hands. While Crowley took a sip of his tea, the angel carefully scanned the description of the house, looking at the pictures and the quotes from the current owner.

“It’s perfect, my love.” Aziraphale said, kissing his fiancé on the cheek. “I think we should make an appointment to look at it.”

“Should we ask if Alice wants to come with us?”

“That might be a smart idea.”

Crowley thought for a moment. “Have you got the paperwork figured out?”

“It isn’t printed but I’m sure that’s all I need to do and we’ll be good to go.”

Crowley looked from the angel to the paper, still deep in thought. “What if this is too much for her, Angel?” He said, concern in his voice. “What if we overwhelm her?”

“Well we’re not going to ask her this minute. We’re going to wait until she’s ready. More comfortable around us and herself.”

“That’ll take quite a lot of time, Angel. When is the baby due again?”

“Likely between three and a half to three months from now.”

“That doesn’t leave us very long.”

Aziraphale took a sip of his tea. “I know, dearest. I know. But I have confidence that things will work out. Right now we need to focus on Alice and making sure she’s as happy and safe as she can be.” Crowley gave a curt nod as he summoned a pair of scissors, snipping the ad from the paper and tucking it into an envelope.

* * * * *

Matthew Montgomery prided himself on being a very stern and intelligent man. He was the kind of person who demanded respect just with one look. A tall figure and a sharp face that could scrutinize anyone he came across. He had the eyes of a man who knew he was right and wouldn’t give in to any tricks trying to convince him otherwise. He was a man of God and he knew where he and his family stood.

Which is why he was furious when his wife told him their second eldest daughter had run away out of the blue one day. He became the laughing-stock of their parish. Sure everyone had said that they were all worried about Alice and that they were keeping her in their prayers, wherever she was, but he knew what they were saying about him behind his back. They were accusing him of being a weak willed father. After all if his daughter had slipped away so easily, he must have done something wrong. He wouldn’t let those fools look at him like that. The second he learned about his daughter, he called up every police station in the area and got them searching. The frustrating part was none of those bastards were doing their jobs right. Almost six months and she was still missing. Wherever she had run off to, she knew how to stay hidden.

Matthew in reality should have known this would happen. Alice had always been a troublesome child and no matter how many times he had her repent, she still insisted on disobeying him. He wasn’t harsh enough with her. That was why she’d run away.

A knock sounded at his study door.

“Who is it?” He barked.

His wife opened the door. “Darling, you have a guest out here.” She said timidly.

While Matthew Montgomery was the epitome of strength and power, his wife Deborah was a quiet and frail thing, barely raising her voice to speak to her children, let alone her husband. Matthew had been over the moon when she’d accepted his proposal twenty-six years ago. She was the perfect wife. Obedient, quiet, nurturing to their kids but still strict when she needed to be. He’d picked the ideal woman. Though over the past several months, he’d noticed she was retreating a little further into herself. She wasn’t nearly as passionate when she prayed and seemed to be demonstrating the same doubt children inevitably showed when they became teenagers, only with Deborah, it was much more subtle, so Matthew didn’t have to be as harsh with her as he did with the children. She was likely just worried about Alice.

“Who are they and what do they want?” He said, looking up from his paperwork.

“Dylan. He said he had something important to tell you.”

Matthew softened slightly. Dylan was a fine boy, son of his friend from college. He took everything the church said to heart and surely made his father very proud. He had yet to find a girlfriend, which Matthew took as a sign the lad was thinking of pursuing a career in the church which made him even more the ideal young man.

“Alright, send him in.”

His wife nodded and within a few seconds, Dylan walked through the door to his study, closing it behind him.

“Dylan, how are you, boy?” Matthew asked, setting down his pen.

“Just fine, Mr. Montgomery.”

“We’ve been over this. Just Matthew is fine. How’s your father?”

“He’s well. He sends good thoughts. How’s the search going?”

Matthew huffed. “Awful. The bloody cops aren’t doing their job. It’s been six months and they still haven’t found her.”

He sat further back in his chair. It was at times like these he wished he was allowed to drink, but a good man only drank one kind of alcohol and that was the blood of Christ on Sunday morning.

“Well, sir, you might be interested in something I found when I was in Soho three weeks ago.”

Matthew sat up. “Go on.”

* * * * *

Alice rather enjoyed spending time alone in the bookshop. Crowley and Aziraphale were just upstairs snuggled on the couch together watching telly while she was sitting on the little couch near the back of the shop, _A Study in Scarlet_ open on her lap. Her belly was beginning to make it a bit difficult to hold anything in front of her, no matter how big or small, but she managed to make it work and find a way to be comfortable as well.

For the first time in a very long time, she admitted to being rather content. The book was beginning to get very interesting and she was hooked on every word. The weather outside was beginning to get warmer with every passing day, the sunlight streaming in through the skylight made the whole shop pleasantly warm and cozy. There was still the ever-present anxiety running through her, but today it was manageable. She still didn’t feel 100% comfortable around Crowley and Azirpahale, but they were patient with her and she was grateful for them. She just hoped she’d be able to get there someday.

After feeling the baby kick for the first time two days ago, she started feeling more and more content and eager to meet them

The jingle of the bell sounded all over the shop. She was sure Aziraphale had flipped the sign, showing everyone that the store was closed. No matter, she could ask them to leave, she just hoped they wouldn’t get too mad.

She closed her book and stood, stepping behind the counter.

“I’m sorry, but we’re closed. You’ll have to come back-”

Her voice caught in her throat when she saw the figure in the doorway and her blood went cold.

No. Dear God please no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm evil and yes I am very sorry.  
> Now that we've moved past that, I hope you enjoyed that chapter and I hope your weeks have all gone well. I finally finished exam week so I'm done until winter break classes start (I signed up for a songwriting/poetry class that I'm really excited about). I'm done with all my projects and papers so I have more time to read/write/work on making or finding gifts for people. But honestly I'm feeling pretty damn good nowadays.  
> If you enjoyed that chapter, kudos and comments are always welcome and appreciated. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Physical, emotional, and psychological abuse, self harm/self punishment, religious fanaticism, toxic religious beliefs, self flagellation, blood and scars, slut shaming, (imagined) implied rape/non con of a teenager, PTSD, and panic attacks

“I should have figured you would be hiding in a dirty bookshop like this.” Alice’s father said sternly, looking at her. “It’s only fitting. A hideaway for a filthy whore.”

“F-father. I…how did…what…?”

“Shut your mouth, sinner!” Her father barked, walking a few steps closer, scrutinizing every little thing he saw around the shop, wrinkling his nose at the fine layer of dust that surrounded most of the books and scoffing at some of the titles he saw, which he deemed less than christian. A valise was in his grip and his fist clenched tighter around the handle the more he looked around. Soon he reached the back of the main area, where the desk and the cashbox hid Alice’s belly from view.

“Get out from behind there.” He ordered.

With her eyes cast downward, Alice stepped out from behind the desk, her bump fully on display. She was nearing the middle of her second trimester, only about two weeks away from six months along so her belly was much more prominent, showing off to the entire world her mistakes. Her sins.

Her father stepped forward a little more so he was standing directly in front of her. She didn’t even need to look up to know his eyes were on her, dissecting her the way he always did, looking for every little sin and fault that he needed to scrub away.

A could, rough hand found its way onto her belly, feeling the swollen mass of flesh with prodding fingers. Alice cringed, doing her best to not let her discomfort show as her father examined her, but she couldn’t stop herself from grimacing in fear and discomfort.

“So it’s true?” Her father hissed. “My daughter really is a fornicator?”

“Father, please let me explain-” A harsh slap silenced her.

“Five months away from home and already talking out of turn? You’ve forgotten yourself.” He continued looking her up and down, a look of disappointment and disgust on his face. “Dylan really was telling the truth then?” Alice nodded, her eyes squeezed shut. “Whose is it then?” Alice’s eyes opened, looking up at her father.

“What? He-”

“I asked you a question, girl. Who is the father?”

“Dylan didn’t tell you?”

“He said he didn’t know. Now tell me. Who. Is. The. Father?!”

That liar! He told her father where she was and that she was pregnant but conveniently left out that it was his baby. If Alice weren’t scared out of her mind, she’d be furious and would consider marching straight up to Dylan’s house and…well she wasn’t sure what she’d do. She was so angry and confused and scared.

Her father mistook her silence for disobedience or stubbornness. Another slap was delivered to Alice’s cheek as tears started to trickle from her eyes. “Answer me!”

“Dylan!” Alice cried. “Dylan is the father!”

Another slap came. “Don’t lie to me, brat!” Her father barked. “Dylan is a young man of great religious promise and diligence. He wouldn’t let himself be led astray by a temptress like you. Now tell me the truth.”

“I am!” Alice sobbed. Her father fixed her with a firm glare.

“I’m giving one final chance and one chance only to tell the truth. Now who is the baby’s father.”

Alice was silent, folding her hands over her bump, hoping to protect the life inside her from whatever was about to come.

“That’s how it’ll be then?” Her father said coldly, narrowing his eyes. “Fine.”

He set the valise on the desk with a loud, thunk, looking back at his daughter.

“Have you repented?” He asked.

Alice nodded. “Yessir. Every night before bed.”

“Have you done it properly?”

Alice gulped. “A f-few times.” She murmured.

“I thought I raised you better than this. A sin as grievous as carrying a bastard child requires proper repentance every night. How can you even hope to find forgiveness if you haven't shown our Heavenly Father how sorry you are?” Alice was silent. Her father opened the valise, reaching inside. “Luckily for you, I came prepared. We’ll make your soul clean and pure again.” Her father fixed his gaze on her once again, frowning. “Go on then, off with it.”

Alice did her best to remain collected but she couldn’t stop her hands from quivering as she began to unbutton her blouse.

* * * * *

Something was really wrong. Aziraphale could sense it. Something horrible was about to happen.

He sat up, shifting himself out of Crowley’s arms and looked towards the stairs.

“Angel?” Crowley asked, looking from the telly to Aziraphale. “Everything alright?”

“No.” Aziraphale said, not taking his eyes off the stairs. “I think we should check on Alice.”

His voice betrayed just how utterly terrified he was, but his tone was steady. When he needed to be, the angel was the picture of strength and angelic discipline. Were Crowley able to see his face, he would have seen nothing but a blank gaze, but his stormy eyes would have betrayed his fear.

Crowley clicked the power button on the remote and stood up, following Azirpahale to the top of the staircase. As soon as he began focusing, he was hit with a wave of anger and disgust and shame. And fear. So much fear.

There was an unfamiliar aura floating around the bookshop that was reaching out towards Alice’s familiar aura and was practically suffocating it, surrounding it and choking the life out of it.

Shit. Alice!

Crowley looked at Azirpahale with fear in his eyes as he grabbed hold of the angel’s arm and took off running down the stairs. As soon as they reached the ground floor, a terrified gasp burst from Aziraphale.

Alice was on her knees in front of a hulking figure of a man who had his arms crossed and was looking at her with anger in his eyes. Her shirt was folded on the floor next to her, and on top of it was a tank top and bra, both caked with dried blood. In her hand was a nine-tailed whip, raising and dashing down onto her back, which was covered with scars. With each flash of the strips of leather, new, bloody gashes were added to the collection of wounds on her back.

“…9…10…11…” The man counted with each crack of the whip. Her back was facing the demon and angel and her hair was falling over her shoulders so they couldn’t see her face, but they could tell that she was trembling.

“Alice!” Aziraphale shrieked, rushing over to the girl. When he knelt down, he saw that her face was utterly blank. There was nothing in her eyes and her expression was nonexistent. She didn’t even acknowledge Aziraphale as he knelt down next to her, she just continued to raise her arm and lift the whip back. It was automatic, mechanic. She wasn’t thinking about it, she had gone into a numb sense of auto-pilot.

Without giving himself a chance to think, Azirpahale grabbed a hold of the girl’s arm and wrenched the whip out of her hand, throwing it to the floor. The movement broke Alice partly out of her trance, but not far enough to recognize what was happening. The only thing she could do was reach for the whip, whimpering.

Crowley stood in front of the two crouched on the floor, putting himself between the man and Alice.

“What the fuck is going on?!” Crowley roared.

“This is none of your concern.” The man said with a wave of his hand. The movement caused Alice to flinch. With a few blinks, she looked around wearily then moved to cover her bare chest with her thin arms.

“It’s alright, love.” Aziraphale said gently, removing his coat and holding it out to her. The girl grabbed onto it and pulled it close to her chest, covering herself, though she was still red with embarrassment.

“Gentlemen, I’m trying to teach my daughter a lesson. If you wouldn’t mind leaving.”

“ _You’re_ her father?!” Crowley barked.

The man straightened his posture. “As a matter of fact I am. I would ask who you are but frankly just one look at you is all I need and you must know I don’t associate with sinners. Now if you’ll kindly-”

Crowley gave the man a shove getting him away from Alice and Aziraphale, who were both still on the floor, Alice still rather out of it and clinging to Aziraphale’s jacket.

“You’ve got some nerve coming here but I can’t say I won’t enjoy this.” Crowley threatened.

A brief look of shock came over the man’s face before it was replaced with realization and fury. “Oh don’t tell me it’s you.”

Crowley looked confused. “What’s me?”

“You’re the baby’s father aren’t you?”

“What?!”

“Don’t try to deny it, I’m confident it’s you. You look like the kind of filth who would sleep with my whore daughter.”

“The fuck is wrong with you?!” Crowley fumed, disgusted that Alice’s own father would assume that Alice would sleep with someone who appeared twice her age or that Crowley would dare try to force himself on her.

“So it’s him then?” Her father assumed, gesturing towards Aziraphale, who was still doing his best to comfort Alice.

“What? No!”

Her father glared at him. “Oh I know what’s going on here.” He shoved his way past Crowley and stood over Alice and Aziraphale.

“You laid with both of them is that it?”

“Get away from h-”

“You took both their seed and now you don’t know who the father is?”

Alice’s trembling grew worse, Aziraphale thought she was about to go into a panic. Usually he would rub her back but the myriad of scars and blood running down her skin would make any kind of attempt to comfort her more painful than helpful. If he couldn’t comfort her, he could at least defend her and keep this…monster of a person away from her.

“Get away from her and get off my property. Now!” He growled.

Her father scoffed. “Do you know who I am? I can ruin you in a heartbeat.”

“I don’t care. How dare you speak to your own child like that? How dare you treat her like that?”

“She is a sinner she deserves far worse but she’s lucky that I’m-”

“Lucky?!” Crowley roared. “What kind of delusional fuck are you? You really think that beating herself is a good thing?”

“Her soul must be made pure-”

"I. Said. _Get_. _Out_." Aziraphale roared, his eyes going white. Crowley retook his place standing in front of Alice and next to Aziraphale as he stared her father dead in the face. The room became heavy with ethereal and infernal energy. Though her father couldn't exactly tell what he was looking at, Aziraphale had come very close to letting out his true form. Three more eyes, as white as his usual two, had opened one different spots on his face, one in the center of his forehead and one on each cheek. He brought out his wings, glowing with holy fire.

Crowley for his part had tossed aside his sunglasses and was hissing irately. His eyes had gone full serpent, not a drop of white in them. The slits had become as thin as sewing needles and a dark black smoke began rising around him. Alice's father began to hear whispers in a language that was long dead, not to be heard by any human ears.

While Aziraphale didn't usually enjoy hurting humans, but this one had a soul so dark and twisted, it was almost as if he were doing heaven a favor by wiping him out before he could spread more harmful messages about God. He was readying himself when he heard a small whimper behind him.

Alice.

She shouldn't be seeing this. She was already terrified enough and she likely wouldn't understand what she was seeing. Even though he and Crowley were shielding her with their wings, being this close to that much holy and unholy energy could do some real harm to her. Not to mention the emotional damage of seeing her two caretakers smite her father out of existence until there was nothing left but a smoldering stain on the floor would do. She had just gotten comfortable around them again. He couldn't frighten her with something this violent.

"Crowley, stand down." He instructed, closing his extra eyes and banishing the ethereal Grace pouring out of him.

"What?!" Crowley barked. "Have you lossssst your mind?! You and I both know what a piecssssssssssssse of sssshit thisss wanker isssss and how much he dessssservesss thisss. You can't jussssst-"

"This of Alice!" Aziraphale whispered sharply. "Do you really think seeing this will do her any good?"

Crowley glanced at the girl behind him and cringed, snapping his fingers and summoning another pair of sunglasses, angrily setting them on his nose while Aziraphale stropped over to Alice's father, snapping his fingers. The terrified look on his face was replaced with a blank one. "You will remember nothing about this encounter. You will tell nobody and you will not set foot in this bookshop again. Do I make myself clear?" The man nodded. "If I catch you here again, neither of us will hold back." The man nodded again. "Now leave." The man turned around and walked out the door onto the street. Crowley grabbed the whip from the floor and raced to the door. With a mighty toss, the whip landed in one of the nearby garbage bins, out of sight but not nearly out of mind. 

Aziraphale banished his wings and knelt down in front of Alice. Crowley did the same but sat down a few feet behind Aziraphale so she wouldn't feel smothered.

The girl’s hyperventilating had yet to cease and she still clung to Aziraphale’s jacket, her shoulders, arms, and back exposed to the drafty bookshop and she was beginning to shiver. Tears were pouring down her face and she looked pale as a sheet of paper.

“Alice, listen to my voice.” Aziraphale soothed. There was most definitely a miracle laced in with his words. Aziraphale usually tried not to use divine intervention to mess with people’s moods but he thought just a small one would help calm her. “Don’t focus on anything but my voice.” Alice blinked a few times, looking around on the floor like she had lost something. “No, no, dear one. Whatever it is, it can wait. Listen to my voice.” Alice looked Aziraphale in the face, trembling and her lower lip wobbling. “I’m going to take your hand, is that alright?” Alice didn’t answer. “I won’t do anything if you don’t want me to. If you don’t want me to take your hand, close your eyes. If you do want me to take your hand, keep them open.” Alice closed her eyes. “Okay. I won’t touch you. Can you take some deep breaths for me dear?” Alice opened her mouth and inhaled a quivering breath, which escaped her in a quick huff. “It’s alright, dearest. It’s alright. Just breathe.” Alice continued to exhale, slowly working herself out of her panic, but she was still looking around, a fog over her eyes and her body was still shivering. “I’m going to ask you a few questions, do you think you can answer them for me?” Aziraphale asked gently.

“C-can t-try.” Alice quavered, her voice nothing but a dull rasp.

“Can you list five things you can see for me?”

Alice looked around, blinking a few times. “Y-you…C-Crowley…book-c-cases…”

“You’re doing wonderful dear. Just two more.”

“The w-window…t-the B-Bentley parked o-outside.”

“Marvelous. Now four things you can hear?”

Alice thought, looking around some more and blinking slowly. “Y-your voice…m-my voice…t-the traffic outside…”

“Yes, just one more. You can do it.”

“C-Crowley’s b-breathing.”

“That’s it. You’re doing superb. Three things you can feel, please?”

Her breathing began to slow and her voice was a bit steadier. “Your jacket…the wood floor on my knees…and…” she went pale. “…b-blood. Dripping down my back.” Her breathing began to pick up again.

“It’s alright my dear, it’s going to be alright.” Aziraphale soothed.

“Aziraphale,” Alice cried softly, shrinking further into herself.

“Oh my dear, you’re alright. He’s gone. You’re safe-”

“Why did you stop me?” Alice burst.

Aziraphale looked aghast. “I…I’m sorry?”

“I was repenting. You shouldn’t have stopped me.” She began to shiver again, more tears flowing from her eyes. “I need to serve my punishment, I need to be forgiven I…I…” she began sobbing, fear and self loathing poisoning the air around her.

Aziraphale looked back at Crowley at an utter loss for words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes this chapter was intense. I wasn't able to give Alice's father the punishment he deserved, but he'll eventually get his. I think the boys keeping Alice's mental health as a priority over smiting her father is a smart move on their part.  
> So anyway, I hope you enjoyed that chapter! Thins on my end are pretty good. I'm starting my songwriting class tomorrow and I've been writing like a madwoman (seriously this week I wrote 4 chapters for this story I'm super proud of myself). Tomorrow my dad and I are going to do some baking. He's making cardamom bread and cardamom cookies and I'm making gingerbread cookies and butterscotch cinnamon pie. I love this time of year, it's so cozy and lovely and the house always smells like cinnamon and rosemary.  
> If you enjoyed this chapter, kudos and comments are always appreciated and make me so happy and make me feel loved. Thank you so so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: References to child abuse, discussions about self harm/self-flagellation, toxic religious beliefs, PTSD, and mild panic attacks

Both Crowley and Aziraphale looked at Alice at an utter loss for what to say or do. When the tears had mostly subsided, Alice looked around at the floor beside her. When she didn’t see anything she looked back up at the two of them. “What did you do with the whip?”

“I threw it in the bin outside.” Crowley said, anger creeping into his voice.

“W-what? Why?” Alice said, going white again.

“Why?” Crowley said back, confusion on his face. “ _Why_? You were beating yourself with it! He was forcing you to beat yourself with-“

“It was my choice.” Alice murmured. “He reminded me that I needed to repent. A-and do it properly.”

“R…Repent?!” Crowley roared. Alice began shivering again, looking down at the floor as more tears fell from her eyes.

“Crowley!” Aziraphale scolded. The warning in his angel’s voice didn’t register. Crowley was honestly too distracted by the utter rage coursing through him, hotter than hellfire and worse than any torture he could imagine. She was beating herself. And she was okay with beating herself. Hurting herself. Making herself bleed. It. Was. Her. Choice.

The demon felt like he was going to explode.

“I can’t, I need a minute.” He stood up and strode outside, growling under his breath about how he was going to follow her father home and light him ablaze and make it as slow and painful as possible.

“Crowley, what on earth is wrong with you?!” He heard Aziraphale shouting after him, swiftly shutting the door to the bookshop.

“What’s wrong with me?!” The demon fumed. “What’s wrong with her father?! That…that…monster has her thinking that she deserves to beat herself in order to make up for something stupid that she doesn’t even need forgiveness for. And she’s trying to justify it! She thinks she deserves it and…and I’m just so fucking angry that she thinks that! She wants to beat herself! Also why the fuck didn't you let me blast her father? The bastard deserved-”

“This isn’t about you!” Aziraphale bellowed. Nobody around them were any wiser about their argument. To them, they were just two people having a normal conversation on the bookshop doorstep. “It’s not about you,” Aziraphale repeated, softening his tone a little, “it’s not about either of us. This is about Alice. She’s been forced to deal with this since she was a small child. Of course she has that mindset, nobody else has told her differently. And right now, she’s alone and she’s scared and confused. She needs us, so when you’re done getting angry, I’ll be inside helping her because Lord knows she needs as much love and support as we can give her.”

With that the angel marched back inside, leaving Crowley alone on the stoop.

Fuck he really was a dumbass. Alice needed him. Needed them both and all he could do was yell at her. She had just gotten comfortable around him again and he had to go and shout at her like that. This wasn’t her fault. She needed to be reminded of that. She needed love and comfort and all he could do was yell at her. He was bloody useless.

No none of that. This is not the time to feel sorry for ourselves. Cut it out.

Crowley had never been good at controlling his temper, but there were a few times when he made an exception and now needed to be one of those times. He took a few breaths, counting to ten and back a few times before slowly walking back inside. Alice was still on the floor and Aziraphale was once again kneeling next to her and whispering soft assurances. When the two noticed Crowley coming to the door, the tension in the air grew worse. Aziraphale knit his eyebrows and Alice dropped her eyes, still shivering.

“Alice,” Crowley said gently, “look at me please.” Alice slowly raised her eyes, red and puffy from crying with darkened circles underneath them. “I’m so sorry for yelling at you like that. You didn’t deserve any of that. I was just angry. Not at you.I’m mad at your father for treating you like shit and…” he sighed. “I’m so, _so_ sorry, kid.”

“’s alright.” Alice murmured weakly, looking like she was ready to drop at any minute. “I’m sorry I made you angry.”

“You didn’t, kid. None of this is your fault. We…” he sighed again. “We should clear this up later when you’re feeling a little better.”

Aziraphale gave her shoulder a pat. “If you want, I can heal those wounds. They look mighty painful.”

“No!” Alice protested. “They’re a sign I’ve repented. I…I need them.”

Aziraphale bit his lip. As good as he was at hiding his anger, he was just as furious as Crowley. This poor dear. But they needed to be gentle.

“That may be, but losing too much blood can cause a lot of problems, and you’ve got the baby to think about.” Alice looked at her belly, covered by the course fabric of Aziraphale's jacket, a saddened look on her face. “If you don’t want me to heal them, that’s alright but at least let me treat them the old fashioned way.”

He waited for a few minutes before Alice nodded. The angel smiled at her before turning to Crowley.

“Would you grab the first aid kit, my dear? It should be under the bathroom sink.”

“Sure.” Crowley said, disappearing up the stairs and into the flat.

“I’m sorry.” Alice murmured. “I didn’t know I would make him so angry. I didn’t mean for this to go so wrong.”

“Sshh.” Aziraphale crooned. “You didn’t, love. Crowley isn’t angry at you, and neither am I.”

“Y-you’re certain?” She asked, her voice barely audible.

Aziraphale patted her shoulder, giving her another warm smile. “Absolutely.”

An unsure look came over Alice’s face as well as a slightly woozy expression. She hadn’t lost too much blood but losing any amount when she was so undernourished and with child certainly wouldn’t do her any favors.

As if on cue, Crowley came rushing back down the stairs, a small red box in his hands, which he passed to Aziraphale. Alice still had a somewhat faraway look in her eyes and she still looked absolutely terrified. As Crowley handed the kit off, he sat back down next to Alice and held out his hand. For a moment, Alice looked confused but then she took his hand in hers, clinging to it as if it were a lifeline.

“This might sting a bit.” Aziraphale warned, grabbing a bottle of rubbing alcohol from the box and pulling a handkerchief from his pocket. Alice nodded, her face still blank. Aziraphale soaked the rag and began gently cleaning the blood away.

“Ksshh!” Alice sucked in a pained breath through her teeth.

“I’m sorry, love. I know it’s painful but you’re doing so well.”

Alice’s expression twisted in pain as he cleaned the wounds. But as the blood was washed away, he noticed something about the scars on her back. They were inconsistent. Some looked to have been years old and have faded with time but some…they were still fresh, relatively. Like they were only a few weeks old. The angel glanced at the shirt and tank top, still folded on the floor. The back of the tank top was caked in dried blood. Had she…

“Alice? I’m going to ask you something. I want you to know that I’m not judging you at all. I’m just concerned and want to help. Okay?” Alice nodded. “Have you been doing this while staying with us?”

“No! Why would you think that? I haven’t been doing this. What kind of person do you take me for?” She said, a little too quickly. She was lying.

Azirpahale put a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Dearest, we’re not angry. We want you to be okay. We don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“I’m not hurting myself. I’m asking for forgiveness.” She said softly.

“Darling, remember when we talked about you refusing to eat?” Alice nodded, shame on her face. “It’s the same here. I know for a fact that God doesn’t want you to try and repent at the cost at your own health, nor at the cost of your child’s.” The look of shame deepened. Crowley glanced at Aziraphale before glancing back at Alice, an unspoken message to tone it down. Aziraphale took a better look at Alice’s face and a pained expression came to his. “Oh I’m sorry. I’m not blaming you at all. You’re not at fault because you’ve been told to believe something so horrid.”

Alice looked like she was only registering half of what he was saying. Neither of them were going to get further through to her until she calmed down and got some time to process. Aziraphale sighed, gently patting her shoulder as he continued to bandage the wounds. The poor dear couldn’t stop shivering and murmured apologies floated from her lips about every five seconds. Crowley held one of her hands in his and the other was clutching Aziraphale’s coat to her chest, though she needed to set it on the floor and keep her arms raised so Aziraphale could wrap the bandages around her torso to keep the gauze on her back. It was a very awkward experience, especially considering the emotional distress in the room, which all three of them were content to never bring it up again. When Aziraphale had finished cleaning and dressing the gashes Alice’s back, Crowley picked up the tank top on the floor, using a quick miracle to banish any dried blood from the fabric, and handed it to the girl. She offered him a quiet, “Thank you,” and pulled it over her head, still shivering.

“Come on, let’s go upstairs and have some tea.” Aziraphale said, picking up his jacket from the floor and draping it around Alice’s shoulders. The girl slipped her arms through the sleeves (her hands didn't even make it through to the end without rolling them up) and made quick work of the first three buttons but the bottom two wouldn’t close over her expanding belly, leaving the white fabric of the tank top peeking out from under the flaps of the jacket. A look that was halfway between relief and shame came to Alice’s face as her left hand cradled her bump. “Dear?” Aziraphale asked.

“Nothing.” Alice answered. “Nothing I’m alright.” She shakily rose to her feet, though her knees were not supporting her as they were supposed to. Azirpahale took her arm and looped it around his shoulder, trying not to raise her arm too much and disturb the bandages. Crowley took her other arm and put his hand on her shoulder, keeping her upright. Her legs refused to stop shaking as they helped her up the stairs and back to the flat. There was an eery silence all through the building. It wasn’t just that they weren’t saying anything, it was like the world itself had gone silent, watching the three figures as they silently moved through the shop and up the winding staircase like a trio of ghosts haunting the old building. It’s the kind of silence that only comes after a great tragedy or horrid accident or fearful occurrence. The world doesn’t know what to do but stand by and watch while those who were left behind do their best to pick up the pieces, though nobody knows what to do next, and nobody is brave enough to try and break the silence.

They successfully made it up the stairs and into the kitchen, where Crowley sat Alice down at the table and wandered into the living room to get a blanket, the poor kid was still shivering horribly and she seemed to be in a state of near shock. While the demon gathered the blanket, Aziraphale set the kettle on to boil and got three mugs from the cupboard and three tea bags. The kettle began whistling as soon as the three cups and bags were prepared and Aziraphale poured the water and set the mugs on the table, one in front of Alice, one for himself, and one at the empty chair on the end, waiting for Crowley. The demon came back into the kitchen with a soft flannel blanket under his arm, which he draped around Alice’s shoulders before collapsing into his own chair in front of his own mug. Aziraphale let out a heavy sigh, but aside from that, the silence persisted. Nobody knew what to say. Nobody knew if they should say anything or if they even wanted to say anything. The events of the afternoon were still too recent and the wounds still too fresh (both the literal and the unseen) and saying something felt almost wrong in a way. Neither Azirpahale or Crowley wanted to move too fast for Alice or force her to process at a pace she wasn’t comfortable with and Alice didn’t want to bother either of them with what she thought were silly problems. If she were being honest, she wanted to lock herself in her room and stay there. For how long she wasn’t sure. Maybe for a day? Maybe a few weeks? Who knew maybe she would even stay there until the baby came…and then she would wait for Ezra and Maya to come and take it away.

There were far too many thoughts running around in the girl’s mind to do anything more than stare blankly at the tea in front of her. Eventually, she mustered up the energy to take a drink, though by now it had gone quite cold. One sip was all she could manage before putting it back down and leaving it be again. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to drink cold tea. She knew she should be thankful that Aziraphale had bothered to make her tea in the first place. But her mind was shouting too many things at her and it was all too loud and too frightening. It was all too much.

The three of them continued to sit at the table even as afternoon drifted into evening. None of them were hungry or had the energy to make something or even to call for takeaway. The silence still persisted.

Finally, around 8:30, Alice stood, the blanket still around her shoulders, wordlessly gave Aziraphale and Crowley a look that was too full of so many different emotions to put any of them into words, turned, and walked down the hall into the guest bedroom, closing the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I'm gonna mark this down as a yikes. I hope you all made it through this chapter okay. Poor Alice. She needs all the hugs and all the love. It's going to be a long night for her and the bois.   
> Anyway, I hope you all have had a great week. I started my songwriting class on Monday and wrote my first song on Friday. It's far from grammy worthy but I'm proud to have at least written something. And tomorrow I've got a presentation about a songwriter of my choice, I chose Freddie Mercury, and I'm really looking forward to Christmas this Friday with my family.   
> So I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, if you did kudos and comments are so very much appreciated. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self harm/self flagellation/self abuse, references to past abuse, mentions of addiction, toxic thinking, self hated, a sort of withdrawal (I don't know if you can have withdrawal from self harm but just to be safe here's a warning), and a depiction of panic attack/emotional breakdown

Aziraphale and Crowley stayed at the kitchen table for what felt like another hour, neither of them were too sure. Not even bothering to look at the clock, Crowley stood, setting his hand on Aziraphale’s shoulder. The angel let out a sigh and settled his hand on top of his fiancé’s before rising from his chair and following him into their bedroom.

The silence had dissipated, it was no longer too delicate that it could be broken by uttering a single word or letting a single breath escape, but they kept the silence alive not out of necessity but more out of habit. They were both too tired to actually break it. And if one of them did actually dare to say something, that would only cause the floodgates to burst open as well and none of them were quite ready for that conversation.

Aziraphale changed into his tartan pajamas while Crowley pulled on his sweatpants and tank top, still trying to make heads or tails of what the bloody hell happened that day. He should have done something so much worse to that asshole, in the moment he was furious, both at him and at Aziraphale for holding him back. But now that he’d had some time to think about it, the angel did have a point. Alice was already scared out of her mind and she didn’t need an angry demon smiting her dad into next millennium making it worse. That wouldn’t stop him from tracking the bastard down and putting the fear of Crowley into him when he next got the chance.

Aziraphale finished buttoning his pajama top and turned to look at Crowley, a saddened look in his eyes. Well, sad was an understatement. There was nothing but sorrow, the very definition of anguish in the angel’s eyes. Not just sorrow but regret.

Why didn’t he do more to protect Alice? Why didn’t he talk to her more? Let her feel safe? Why did she still feel the need to punish herself? He knew he couldn’t take on the responsibility of helping her through this all on his own. The girl would likely need therapy for all the trauma she’d endured since childhood. Strike that. She would most _definitely_ need therapy. The poor dear couldn’t carry on like that, she needed to talk to someone to help her process and while he considered himself wise, he was not a trained therapist and while he had been on earth since its beginning, he knew nothing of how most humans processed trauma aside from what he'd observed, though he was empathetic to them as he could be. He knew it and the logical side of him knew it was for the best that he keep his role in her recover from her mental trauma as a supporter and not as sole healer. She needed someone who knew how to help her. But the more emotional side of him felt that he’d failed. He had vowed to himself and to her that he would do everything he could to help and bring her whatever comfort she needed and he couldn’t do that.

Crowley met his eyes and wrapped his arms around Aziraphale. The angel nestled his head under his fiancé’s chin, doing his best not to completely crumble.

“It’s gonna be alright, Angel.” Crowley whispered, breaking the silence after hours. “We can help her through this.”

“I never thought it was that bad.” Aziraphale murmured.

“I don’t think either of us could have predicted this.” Crowley answered back, pulling away and looking down at the angel. “What are we gonna do?”

“What we’ve been doing from day one, dearest. Taking this one step at a time. The best thing to do right now is to go to bed and talk to her in the morning, let her know we’re still here for her and will continue to support her no matter what.”

“Support alone isn’t going to do much in the way of her emotional state.” Crowley muttered.

“I’m aware.” Aziraphale said with a slight roll of his eyes. “But it’s a start. Maybe part of the reason she still feels the need to punish herself is she hasn’t been given any reason to think she doesn’t deserve it. After all, she has been taught this since childhood. We need to help reframe her thinking. That doing something wrong is not warranting of a whipping.”

Crowley thought for a moment. “D’you think Anathema knows any good therapists?”

“I hope so.” Aziraphale answered as he crawled under the covers. “I was thinking the same thing.”

“We shouldn’t force her to go.” Crowley said, getting under the covers beside Aziraphale.

“Oh no, of course not, that wouldn’t do at all.” His head was swimming and he was too exhausted to think of anything more to do. The future in front of them seemed both unsteady and looming and it intimidated him greatly to think about it too much. He looked at Crowley, a similarly exhausted look in his golden eyes. “One step at a time?”

Crowley sighed, turning out the light.

“One step at a time.

* * * * *

Crowley had tried to sleep, but it hadn’t been very restful. As a demon, he wasn’t exactly prone to nightmares when he slept, but that didn’t mean he didn’t dream up some freaky shit, even if his dream self wasn’t that phased by it. But as soon as he closed his eyes, he saw Alice on her knees again, the whip in her hand while she kept muttering, “I deserve this. I need to repent.” Over and over again. Just before he had woken up, she had looked directly at him, a horrifying blank look on her pale face. He had tried to get back to sleep but gave up after fifteen minutes, resolving to spend the rest of the night staring up at the ceiling. It was likely that if he did try and sleep again, he’d just find something similar waiting as soon as he shut his eyes.

The demon let out a heavy sigh. This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. These strange and sometimes distressing dreams were something unfortunately common for him. Aziraphale had told him to wake him up if he had one but Crowley couldn’t bring himself to do so. It had taken the angel a fair amount of time to get the hang of sleeping but after he did, he enjoyed it almost as much as Crowley did, which was saying something. Crowley always felt bad whenever he interrupted Aziraphale’s sleep so whenever something kept him awake, he did his best to keep it to himself.

There was also a weird noise that would have made getting back to sleep, had he decided to sleep again, pretty damn difficult. He couldn’t put a finger on what it was but it sounded like a thump or beat or something and it was starting to get on his nerves.

He sat up in bed, doing his best to not disturb Aziraphale (which wasn’t hard the angel slept like a rock) and slipped out of bed, creeping out into the hall. The thump was definitely louder, though it was a lot sharper now that it wasn’t muffled by his bedroom door and sounded almost like a crack…like the crack of a whip.

For a second he thought the heart in his corporation had stopped but after that brief moment, he could feel it beating again, this time at a much more frantic pace. He was lucky that Alice’s door was across from his because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to make it down the hall without stomping or falling over, his legs once again couldn’t stop shaking. She was hurting herself again. He couldn’t bear the thought but it was staring him right in the face. Shit fuck, damnit, fuck, shitshitshit!

He reached for the doorknob before taking a breath, allowing himself to think. If he just burst in and demanded she stop whipping herself, he’d scare the living daylights out of her. Or worse, she’d think he was accusing her of something or was against her. The best thing was to be gentle and to let her know that she had support. He raised his fist and knocked on the door, doing his best to keep it from sounding like he was beating the damn thing.

“Alice?” He said. “Is everything alright?” He heard the girl whisper something to herself before there was a sound of something shuffling or being hastily moved. “I’m going to come in, okay?”

“No!” Alice gasped. “Don’t come in. I-I’m fine. Really.”

Crowley sighed. “Forgive me if I don’t believe you.”

“P-please. Just go back to bed.” Alice begged.

“I want to see if you’re okay. Then I’ll go back to bed.” Silence. “Alice, please.”

“Fine. Come in.”

Crowley breathed a sigh of relief as he turned the handle, stepping into the room. Alice was sitting on her bed, a blanket draped over her shoulders and her back bolt upright.

“I-I’m okay, see? You can go back to bed now.” Alice said, doing her best to sound cheerful and nonchalant but failing.

Crowley glanced around the room. The sheets were in a state of disarray, but that was normal, especially considering how the girl had to toss and turn just to find a comfortable position to sleep in. One of her pillows had gone a bit wonky. Not in the position, but in the shape, like there was something inside the pillowcase

“Really. G-go back to your room. Aziraphale is probably wondering where you are.”

Something caught Crowley’s eye, sticking out from under her bed. What looked like the tail end of a bandage. Something else caught his eye on the floor. A dark red stain.

“Alice,” Crowley said, trying to keep the pain out of his voice, “were you…were you whipping yourself again?”

“N-no!” Alice piped. “I wasn’t!”

“Alice, you don’t need to be scared. If you were, I won’t be angry. I swear to you I won’t be angry.”

“I wasn’t!” Alice moaned, tears coming to her eyes. She was shaking, stressed beyond belief. He was bad at this.

“Alice,” Crowley said gently, kneeling on the floor in front of the bed, “normally I would believe you and give you your privacy but I can’t in good conscience do that now. Please tell me the truth.”

“I am!” Alice protested.

Crowley sighed, wrapping his fingers around the bandage under the bed, pulling it out a little to reveal the dried blood all over the gauzy material. “You took off the bandage even though there’s no way wounds that deep could have healed that fast. I can tell as much from the bloodstains over there.” Alice lowered her eyes, looking at her hands wrangling each other in her lap. “Please, kid.”

Alice sighed, more tears coming to her eyes as she squeezed them shut and shamefully nodded.

“Thank you for telling me.” Crowley said. “Now, where did you hide the whip?”

Alice went as white as a sheet before she pointed to the pillow, her hand shaking. Crowley reached into the pillowcase as Alice dropped the blanket from her shoulders, revealing the back of her shirt which was soaked with blood. She shivered as she knelt on the floor, reaching to pull off her pajama top.

“Stop!” Crowley said, a bit too firmly. Alice’s entire body jolted and she let out a little cry. Damn it, he should have told her that he was going to get rid of the whip, not whip her himself. Fuck he was really _really_ bad at this. He stepped around her and knelt on the floor in front of her, taking her icy hands in his. “Alice, please look at me.” She raised her teary eyes, her entire body shaking.

“I-I’m s-sorry.” She murmured. “I t-thought y-you wanted to do it y-yourself. P-properly.” She sniffled. “T-that’s what F-father…” she trailed, shaking her head rapidly.

“Alice, hey, kid, c’mon. Breathe for me. Just breathe.” She took a shaky breath, with Crowley breathing right along with her until they began to steady and even out. “That’s right. Just breathe.” After a few more breaths, Crowley spoke again. “I would never, ever hurt you. Especially not in as cruel a way as…” he trailed, looking at the whip in his hands with disgust, the nine leather tails stained with drops of scarlet. “…this. Never. And neither will Aziraphale. Or Anathema, or Newt. Never. I swear to God, and that is something I rarely do, that we don’t want to hurt you and never will. And we don’t want you to hurt yourself.” Alice’s answer was a noncommittal head tilt and another shiver. “Speaking of which…” Crowley looked back down at the whip, gripping the hilt with one hand and snapping his fingers with the other. In an instant, the whip disappeared, leaving him empty handed. “Now that that’s out of the way-”

“What have you done?!” Alice shrieked.

“What have I-?”

“I needed that! I need to repent I need to…I need to show how sorry…I just need to do this!”

“Hang on, what-“

“Where did you send it?” Alice demanded, clinging to his wrist. If Crowley were being honest, he was getting a little scared. He had never seen Alice like this before. She looked desperate and terrified, like a user trying to get their next hit, but at the same time like she didn’t want it.

“I-I don’t know, Antarctica maybe.”

“Bring it back.” She said.

“What?”

“Bring it back, please!” She begged. “I have to repent!”

“Okay hold it right there!” Crowley said, finally getting his head screwed on right. “You don’t need to beat yourself because you think God will forgive you-”

“I thought you would understand! You’re a demon. You’ve seen hell. You know why I’m trying to avoid it! If anything, you should be glad I’m doing something to atone!”

"Alice-"

"Though maybe I was wrong." She said icily. "After all, you were cast out of heaven, all you want is my soul." Crowley's heart sank. He knew she didn't mean it, he knew she was just going through something but it still hurt to hear her say that. 

"I don't want your soul, you know I don't. I just want you to be okay."

"If you don't want my soul, then let me atone!"

“This is not how you atone!” Crowley barked, getting his bearings.

“Please! I won’t be able to get into heaven if I don’t repent. I know I don’t deserve it! I know I’m a sinner but I can at least try to-”

“Yes I’ve seen hell.” Crowley interrupted. “And I’ve seen countless people with those same scars on their backs in hell too.”

“W-what?” Alice said, her voice suddenly weak. “B-but they repented…”

“That didn’t matter.” Alice looked like she was going to faint. “N-no that’s not what I, ngk!” He took a breath, doing his best to remain composed for her sake. “It didn’t matter that they made a show of how sorry they were, they didn’t mean it. Even after beating themselves or starving themselves or doing whatever, they went right back to being self righteous, hypocritical pricks. I know that’s not you. That’s the exact opposite of you. Every terrible thing your father has said about you is a lie. You’re not a failure, you’re not a disappointment, you’re not a whore or a slut or a lost cause or anything. You are kind, you are patient, you are considerate, you are gentle, and you are selfless. You don’t need… _that_ to show God that you’re sorry.”

“I lie.” Alice protested.

Crowley shrugged. “Nobody’s perfect.”

“I’m a fornicator, a liar, a glutton, I ask too many questions, I’m a coward, a doubter, and countless other things.” Alice sobbed.

“And yet God still loves you.” Crowley said, his voice soft. Alice went quiet, though she was still shivering. “God didn’t create humans to be perfect. She made them to be human. At least, I think She did. Can’t be too sure. Ineffable and all that. She's done a lot of things that I really don't agree with, and I will gladly say that I don't back Her in any way, but I will say that I know She loves humanity and that means She loves you.” Never in his existence would Crowley think that he would ever say anything similar to this. But Alice needed to hear this so he was going to say it.

Alice’s shivering became worse than Crowley had ever seen it, her sobs were huge and her shoulders and stomach moved every time she took a breath. Instinctively, Crowley wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his chest. She shivered but clung to him, burying her face in his shoulder while she continued to sob. One of Crowley’s hands was wrapped around her shoulders, being careful to avoid her back, while the other was gently cradling the back of her head.

“We love you too.” Crowley whispered. “Aziraphale and I. We love you and want you to feel safe.”

Alice went stiff and for a second Crowley thought he'd said the wrong thing. She pulled away a little, looking up at him with tears still pouring from her eyes. 

"You...you love me?" She asked timidly.

"'Course we do, kid." Crowley said, pulling her into an embrace again. "With all our hearts."

Alice began to shiver as she sobbed into Crowley's shirt. “I’m sorry.” Alice cried. “I’m sorry I’m so sorry I…”

“Sshh.” Crowley soothed. “’S alright. It's gonna be alright. C'mon, why don't we get off the floor?”

Her legs were shaking as he helped her stand. Even as they walked to the bed, Crowley kept his arm around her and she stayed nestled against him, still shivering and crying. Crowley had an odd instinct to summon his wings at the sight of her shivers. Something he would almost call paternal. But that was ridiculous. He was a bloody demon for Somebody’s sake.

Alice sat down on top of the bed and Crowley sat down next to her, hugging her again.

“I’m scared.” She whispered.

“Scared?” Crowley answered. “Of what?”

Alice shook her head. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m afraid of and that terrifies me. I feel like I’m going to throw up at any second and my chest feels tight and I…I just feel so lost.”

Crowley pulled her close again, rubbing her shoulder. “First of all, let me know if you need to throw up so I can summon a bin.” She didn’t laugh, but a weak, watery smile tugged at the corners of Alice’s lips. “Second, it’s okay to feel lost. Somebody knows that I’ve felt lost the majority of my existence.” She sighed, resting her head against his shoulder.

“I don’t know what to do. Everything feels so intimidating and frightening and every little choice I make is just going to ruin me even further.” Another sob escaped her. “I’m so scared.”

Crowley gave her as tight an embrace as he could manage without hurting her or crushing her bump. “It’s okay.” He whispered as she continued to cry. “It’s okay, I’m here. You’re not alone.”

“Good gracious!” Crowley heard from the doorway. He glanced over his shoulder at Aziraphale standing in the hallway, a dressing gown over his pajamas, looking exhausted and horribly concerned. Alice looked up at the angel before an expression of shame came to her face, which she buried in Crowley’s shoulder again. “What’s happened?”

“Later.” Crowley said as Aziraphale walked to the other side of the bed, sitting down next to Crowley.

“I’m sorry.” Alice murmured. “I didn’t mean to raise such a fuss. I didn’t want to make things go so wrong.”

“You didn’t.” Crowley assured.

“You’ve done nothing wrong, love.” Aziraphale soothed

“I didn’t mean to wake you both up and everything. You shouldn’t have to worry about me. I didn’t mean to bother you so much.”

“Oh, Alice.” Aziraphale said softly, gently stroking her hair. “You don’t bother us. You’re not a burden. We’re both so happy you’re here with us.”

“And I’m glad you woke us up,” Crowley said. Alice looked up at him, a puzzled expression on her face, “I wouldn’t have known something was wrong and I wouldn’t have been able to help if you didn’t wake me up.”

She sniffled, nuzzling back against Crowley’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I shouted at you. And I’m sorry I insulted you like that. That wasn't right of me. I know you don't want my soul. You're not like other demons.”

“Apology is absolutely accepted kid. You’re under a lot of stress.”

“Still-“

“Ah ah.” Crowley stopped her. “Before you say anything bad about yourself, let me say that you’ve gone through a lot this past week. These past several months. And it’s taken a toll on you. Taking it out on me isn’t…ideal, but I do understand and I’m not angry.”

"It's not an excuse." Alice murmured. 

"But it _is_ an explanation." Crowley finished. 

Alice sighed, worn out. She shifted herself so she was resting between both Crowley and Aziraphale, feeling just a bit safer and even a little calmer. But no matter what she tried, she just couldn’t stop shivering. She wasn’t even cold, but she was shivering like she was deathly ill. She shifted again to try and curl up a bit closer to Aziraphale when a series of painful stings burst over her back.

“Nnf.” She groaned, cringing.

“Alice?” Crowley asked. “What’s up, kid?”

“My back. It hurts.” She informed, her eyes still shut.

“Dear, I know you said no earlier, but please let me heal them? I don’t like seeing you in so much pain.” Aziraphale asked, knitting his eyebrows.

Alice sighed again and nodded. “But…if you could not heal them completely? Just…leave a scar. I don’t know why I want them. Maybe as…a reminder? To be strong?”

“Oh, my dear girl.” Aziraphale soothed, stroking her hair again. “You’ve already shown so much strength. You are so remarkably brave and so strong. But I’ll leave the scars. If you think they’ll help you, then I’ll leave them.”

Alice’s mind was so overflowing with exhaustion and fear and she was so so confused. Everything had come crashing down today and she couldn’t take anything more. But she couldn’t deny the comforting warmth blooming from Aziraphale’s hand as he set it on her back. Her skin knit together, thought not all the way, just as Aziraphale had promised, and in a short moment, the pain was gone.

“A-Aziraphale?” She said, more tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Yes, dear one?”

“Erm…” She looked between him and Crowley, a slightly embarrassed flush coming over her face. “I think I owe you two an explanation. I told you that my dad kicked me out. That…wasn’t entirely true. He didn’t kick me out. I…I ran away...s-sort of.” 

"Sort of?" Crowley repeated.

"It's complicated." She whispered as she buried her face in Crowley’s shoulder again.

“Hey, hey it’s okay kid. It’s okay.” He wrapped his arms around her rubbing her shoulder again. “You’re okay. You’re not alone.”

She pulled away, wiping her eyes and tugging her knees close to her chest, well as best as she could with her enlarged belly. Aziraphale put his arm around her, rubbing her shoulder as well. Crowley scooted a bit away and shifted into his serpent form, though slightly larger than he usually was. Alice gave him a weak smile and held out her hand to him, letting the smile grow a bit bigger as he slithered up her arm and settled himself across her shoulders. When he had gotten himself settled, a thoughtful look came over Alice’s face, her smile disappearing.

“I think…I think I want to tell you the whole story. How I ended up here.”

Aziraphale pulled the girl a little closer and she settled her head against his chest in a half sitting up half lying down sort of position.

“Alright, but only if you feel comfortable.” Aziraphale said, continuing to stroke her hair.

Alice took a breath and began her story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello luvs! I thought you would enjoy the next chapter a few days early, as a sort of early Christmas or Kwanzaa/late Hanukkah present.  
> Alice has finally hit the bottom. Poor kid is so lost in her self hatred and confusion that she doesn't know what to do with herself. But Crowley and Aziraphale are here to listen and love her. All my thanks and gratitude to [freedom attack_thereal](https://www.instagram.com/freedomattack_thereal/) for the for the absolutely _stunning_ artwork  
> So I hope you enjoyed that chapter and have had a great week so far. Kudos and comments are always appreciated.  
> Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely holiday!


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Very dubious consent, implied sexual content, unhealthy relationships, PTSD, abuse, self harm, toxic religious beliefs, and vomiting  
> I'll separate the more dubious scene with an asterisk*, so you don't have to read it if you don't want to

_“It was absolutely horrid! I’d never seen him so angry. And Sarah wouldn’t stop crying. She’s just a baby and I didn’t know what to do!”_

_It was just after midnight, everybody else in Dylan’s house had been asleep for a while, and a few blocks down the road at Alice’s house, it was a similar story. That’s how it had been so easy for Alice to sneak out of her house and into Dylan’s bedroom window, where he had been waiting for her._

_They had been dating in secret for just over six months now. Alice didn’t have a mobile so communication between the two of them was difficult, but they somehow found a way. Alice’s father was the head of the youth commission for their parish, which meant he helped oversee the sacrament of confirmation so at least once a week Dylan dropped his younger sister Lily off at their house. Before he would leave after dropping her off or when he came to pick her up, he would slip to the washroom and leave a note for Alice in the medicine cabinet to meet her…well wherever he fancied._

_It wasn’t Alice’s idea of perfect, but whenever she snuck out after dark, it gave her a small sense of power over herself. She hated that she needed Dylan to feel that freedom, it wasn’t fair to him for her to use him like that, to feel that power. To give a metaphorical, “Screw you!” To her father…without getting the living daylights beaten out of her._

_The lights in Dylan’s bedroom were turned down to a soft orange-yellow, piercing the darkness outside and making their reflections dance in the glass on the window._

_Alice sighed, running her fingers through her hair, her legs hanging off the side of Dylan’s bed. Funny. When she was younger she was scared to do anything of the sort. While most kids had been scared of the boogeyman under their beds, Alice and her siblings had been scared stiff of the devil himself hiding under their beds, waiting for them to sin so he’d be able to punish them. The only way to keep him off was to pray as much as possible, to avoid sin and to repent if they ever slipped. Punish themselves before the devil had the chance to punish them._

_Dylan sidled up behind her and set his hands on her shoulder blades, pressing into them with his thumbs._

_“Sounds awful.” He said, though the nonchalant tone in his voice suggested he wasn’t exactly listening. It annoyed Alice how he didn’t seem too invested in what she had to say sometimes but she considered it an even trade off. Dylan was obviously only interested in Alice because she was more than average looking. She’d already had a few male suitors come to her father to ask to court her (saying that sounded so strange) and a few times, Trisha, perhaps her best and only friend before her father pulled her out of school, had kissed her cheek. She knew she was pretty but didn’t want to let it go to her head.After all, confidence led to vanity and every time she thought of herself as pretty, it was followed by a sick feeling of remorse and her father’s voice in her ears. Besides, she knew that was the only reason Dylan was with her. That was the only reason anybody ever expressed any interest in her. Aside from her looks, she was nothing special._

_Alice bit her lip, pushing the thoughts from her mind._

_Either way, Dylan was with her for her looks and she was with him to feel in control for once in her damn life._

_The pressure from Dylan’s thumbs in her shoulder blades was beginning to hurt, but she didn’t want to upset him, so she endured. After all, he thought he was helping wasn’t he? She shouldn’t burst his bubble. Despite herself, she couldn’t stop a minor groan from escaping her._

_“You’re really tense, Sweet.” Dylan said, applying firmer pressure. Alice did her best to relax but the firm touch and the fact that she was still reeling from her father beating her niece not even a week ago made her more than just “really tense”. She’d never been so stressed in her life…well that was a lie. She had. But still, she was feeling extremely distressed. “Why don’t you go on. I’m listening.” Dylan said, still rubbing her shoulders._

_“I should have done something. Should have told him to stop, but I’m not supposed to speak against my parents am I?”_

_Dylan offered a noncommittal, “Mmm,” as his answer. He scooted a bit closer so his chest was flush with her back. On instinct, Alice leaned her head back, resting it on Dylan’s shoulder as he lowered his hands down her spine. He traded his thumbs for his knuckles, kneading lower and lower._

_*One hand traced along her hip, circling her stomach as he pressed his lips to her neck._

_“Mmmh,” Alice sighed, letting her eyes drift closed. They’d done quite a bit of snogging during their six months of dating, at Dylan’s request. Alice wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about it, but she did agree and it made Dylan happy. A few times during those kissings, his mouth had moved from her lips to her neck, so she wasn’t too surprised he was doing it now. Either he thought this would calm her down and get her mind off her dad, which it certainly did, or perhaps he thought she’d talked enough and now it was time to do what he wanted. Still, Alice found herself leaning further into him, doing her best to let her thoughts drift away, only for them to come racing back when the hand that wasn’t circled around her stomach had traveled up her side and is now cupping her breast._

_“Dylan, wait.” She said, swiveling around so she was facing him._

_He gave her a slight pout but patiently waited for what she needed to say._

_“W-what are you…do we…we shouldn’t go too far…”_

_He scooted a bit closer. “C’mon. I know you’re stressed.” He leaned in, whispering against the crook of her neck. “I just want to help.” He began kissing the sensitive skin again, muttering between kisses. “C’mon, Sweet…just…relax..”_

_“B-but we’re…ah…we’re not supposed to.” Alice protested, shivering as Dylan nipped at her neck, her breathing turned to quick pants._

_“Why not?” Dylan pondered, sitting up to look Alice in the face. “Because they don’t want us to feel good? Think about it, Sweet. If God didn’t want you to feel good,” he circled his hand behind her again, shifting his body so he was slowly leaning down, with her underneath him, “why did He give you such a lovely body,” her back hit the mattress and her head hit the pillow with Dylan’s body on top of her, his hand skirting up her side, “that’s so delightfully sensitive,” he cupped her breast again, giving it a light squeeze, causing a quick, “Oh,” to burst from Alice’s lips, “in all the right places?”_

_He began kissing her neck again and though Alice didn’t think this was a good idea, she couldn’t deny how good she was feeling. What was more, she felt a small burst of rebellious spirit at the thought of her father’s countless lectures about staying pure until marriage turned to ash in her head. She’d go against him and he’d be none the wiser. She’d live her life. Her way._

_No she shouldn’t_

_Honor thy father and they mother._

_She had to resist the temptation._

_She had to stay pure._

_She had too…had too…_

_Dylan nipped at her neck again and Alice bit her lip, holding back a moan._

_“Yes?” Dylan whispered, his hand trailing her hip._

_Alice breathed in and then out, looking at the earnest anticipation in Dylan’s chocolate brown eyes, looking down at her and licking his lips._

_She clung to him, closing her eyes as she breathed out, “Yes.”_

_Dylan’s lips met hers as she tried to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach and just trying to focus on all the lovely sensations all over her body. The hand on her chest trailed lower, over her stomach and waist._

_“What do you want?” Dylan whispered, untucking her shirt._

_“I want to be in control.” Alice whispered, to nobody but herself and God._

_Dylan buried his face in Alice’s hair and she let out a moan as his hand slipped between her legs.*_

* * * * *

Alice stopped talking, biting her lip and squeezing her eyes tight, once again nuzzling against Aziraphale. Crowley let out a hiss on her shoulder.

“ _Well if I didn’t want to beat the pisssssss out of that little punk before, I ssssssure asss fuck do now_.”

“Crowley watch your language.” Aziraphale scolded, rubbing Alice’s back.

“ _I’m jussssst telling the truth. He’sssss a real wanker for coercssssssing her like that_.”

“He didn’t coerce me.” Alice murmured. “I agreed to it, didn’t I?”

“Crowley does have a point, love.” Aziraphale said. “You said no to begin with, he should have stopped after that. Shouldn’t have pressured you.”

"But..." Alice sighed. 

Crowley gave a little hiss. " _Kid, nobody sssssshould do anything to you if you don't want it. Even if they get a yesssss out of you, if you don't mean it, it'sssss wrong on their part._ "

“I’m…pretty sure I wanted it.” Alice said. “I didn’t hate it. It felt nice but…” She sighed. “It’s a really complicated situation.”

“You don’t have to describe it if you don’t want to.” Aziraphale said softly.

Alice exhaled in relief before continuing.

_* * * * *_

_Alice opened her eyes to the sky slowly turning from a deep black to a dark, rich blue. It’s such a lovely color, with a few stars dotting the deep royal color._

_Wait a second. If the sky is already turning blue, that means the sun will be rising soon._

_“Dylan!” Alice hissed. Dylan still had his arms around her. Both were stark naked, cuddled under the covers on Dylan’s bed. “Dylan get up!”_

_“Mmmph.” Dylan groaned as he opened his eyes, still drunk on the afterglow. “Mornin’ sweet.” He sleepily slurred. An arm wrapped around Alice’s shoulder and tugged her closer to him, laying lazy kisses over her forehead._

_“Dylan, stop!” Alice whispered sharply. Dylan blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes as clarity began to sweep through him._

_“Wha?” He muttered._

_“What time is it?” Alice asked nervously._

_Dylan rolled his eyes and reached for his mobile_ , _clicking the power button. “5:25 AM.” He said._

_“Crap!” Alice swore, flopping out of bed and scrambling to find her clothes._

_“Wassamatter?” Dylan asked as he sat up, his shoulder length blonde hair still sweaty from the night before. Alice pulled her panties on and hastily clipped her bra behind her back._

_“I need to leave now! If I’m not home before six, my dad is going to skin me!” She found her tights and her t-shirt, tugging them on before looking around for her skirt. “Do you think you can give me a ride?” She asked, feeling a bit bashful at the request._

_Dylan let out a sleepy groan. “If I start the car, my parents are probably gonna wake up.”_

_Alice sighed, doing her best to not make it sound like a groan. “Okay.” She muttered, still searching frantically. “Where’s my skirt?” She asked._

_“Dunno.” Dylan said. “Under the bed maybe?” Alice got onto her knees and glanced under the bed. Nothing. She sifted through the pile of clothes only to find nothing. “Damn it where could it have gone?” She looked at the clock. 5:30. She didn’t have time._

_She huffed, grabbed her coat, pulled it around her waist and fastened the buttons around her waist. It wasn’t ideal but it would keep her covered for the walk home. As she opened the window, Dylan sat up and said, “Can I at least get a kiss goodbye?”_

_Alice did her best to keep from rolling her eyes as she leaned down and gave him a peck on the lips._

_“Nah uh, a real one.” Dylan protested._

_This time, Alice did roll her eyes. She was on a time crunch and he wanted a snog_ now _? But still she leaned down and pressed her lips to his, trying not to shiver as his tongue worked its way into her mouth. It would have gone longer if she hadn’t pulled away. Dylan gave her another pout but she just answered, “Really, I need to go.”_

_Dylan huffed. “Alright.” He paused. “We’ll be able to do this again soon, right?”_

_Alice lifted the window, letting the cold November air in. “Yeah. Yeah we will.” And with that, she slipped out the window and onto Dylan’s roof, creeping along until she reached the pine tree and carefully hurried down and broke off into a run, which was a bit difficult with her coat constricting her thighs. But she didn’t stop until she reached her house and scurried up the vine to her bedroom, luckily she never locked her window, and slipped inside, changing into her pajamas and crawling into bed._

_Ten minutes later, her father woke her for morning prayers._

_* * * * *_

Aziraphale kept his arms wrapped around Alice while she continued her story and at the particularly distressing parts or whenever Alice reached a moment where Dylan was being a little shit, Crowley would raise his head and affectionately bumped his nose against her cheek.

“Things were normal for about two weeks, though I started to feel really tired and grumpy, which made school difficult. But things really started to get bad about three weeks after Dylan and I…after we…” she sighed and Aziraphale gave her shoulder a little squeeze. “My period was supposed to start the week after, but it never came. Then things started to get…bad.”

* * * * *

_Alice and her siblings stood in a line in the family room, each with a rosary in their hands. Their father stood in front of them, reading from the Gospel of Luke. If she were being honest, Alice wasn’t paying attention_. _She was exhausted and her body was oddly achy. It had been like this for about a week now. Even though she was sleeping more than eight hours every night, going to bed around 8:30 (sometimes her father praised her for practicing the “Early to bed and early to rise” ideal, other times he would beat her for indulging in slothfulness), she would wake up every morning tired and groggy and wouldn’t fully wake up until perhaps 10:45._

_Normally she’d be excited. Every Wednesday, she and her mother would make pancakes and her mother was a really good cook. But this morning, she was feeling just a bit nauseous as well as tired._

‘It’s probably nothing _,’ she thought as she gripped her rosary._

_“This morning, we’ll be reflecting on the the second luminous mystery,” her father began, “the wedding at Cana. Let us pray for…”_

_His voice toned out in Alice’s tired mind, it sounded like he was speaking through a mouthful of cotton. Her stomach was churning and she thought…no, hold it back. Not during morning prayer!_

_“Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy-”_

_“HURK!” Alice gagged, racing to the kitchen and grabbing the bin, vomiting violently. She could hear her siblings chittering behind her, but nothing they said registered. The only thing that mattered was how awful Alice was feeling. It lasted for a full seven minutes and even after everything had been expelled from her stomach, she still felt like she was going to throw up again._

_“Alice,” she heard her mother say, “what is it, honey? Are you feeling okay?” Her mother took her face in her hands, luckily her mother had pretty warm hands, and set a kiss on her forehead. “You don’t feel feverish. It might be a bug, maybe you should-”_

_“Stop coddling her, Deborah.” Her father barked, shaking the room. Her siblings backed away as her father stropped over to her. “What right do you think you have to interrupt morning prayer?” He asked._

_“Matthew, it wasn’t her fault.” Her mother defended. “She wasn’t feeling well.”_

_“That’s still no excuse.” Her father growled. “You think your problems are more important than showing appreciation and gratitude to our Heavenly Father?” Alice was quiet, looking at the floor. “Back in the living room.” Her father ordered. “Now.”_

_Alice kept her eyes on the floor as she somberly walked out to the living room, the silence following her was more potent than even the most deadly of vipers. She was sure her siblings were following behind her, they would be forced to witness so they would remember not to make the same mistake she did. They would likely stand off to the side, separate from her, not wanting to liken themselves to the sinner child. It was always like that whenever any of them sinned and needed to repent. Stand to the side. There was always an us and a them. The us were the pure beings, the ones worthy of heaven and of God’s Grace and love. The them were always the sinners, the ones cast away. Even though she was roped in with the us, Alice preferred to be a them because for some reason being a them felt so much more comforting. She had met many “them” while she had been in middle school, and while Trisha had been her only friend, that was mostly due to the fact that Alice was so shy in nature and Trisha was the only one who wasn’t wild enough to frighten her away. Most of the other kids would show kindness to her, even though her father always had something to say about their parents. About how Lucy had two mothers, so she was a child of sin. How Nathan’s family were atheists, so he by association was going to hell. How Trisha had the body of a boy but knew in her soul that she was a girl. But Alice never saw anything wrong with “them”. Lucy could tell the best jokes that always made the class laugh. Nathan was an amazing artist. Trisha was one of the kindest and smartest girls Alice knew. Besides, didn’t Jesus say to love everyone, even the different?_

_That had been last weeks repent-worthy question. Alice should have known by now to keep her mouth shut, but sometimes she couldn’t help herself._

_She stood as a them in the center of the living room, the us standing off to the side with her mother resting her hands on her youngest brother’s shoulders. Her father stepped in front of her, his arms folded and disgust on his face._

_Alice gulped. “H-how many?” She asked quietly._

_“Normally, I would say twenty-five, but since you aren’t feeling well, I’d say twelve is appropriate.”_

_Alice kept her eyes trained on the floor. “Thank you, Father.” She murmured, rolling up her sleeve, revealing several dark bruises, her skin painted with black, purple, and sickly green. There were more than a few welts were a brass buckle had struck her._

_Alice’s father unbuckled his belt and slipped it out of the loops before handing it to Alice. The girl could feel a fierce tension in the room as she took the belt and brought it down swiftly on her arm._

_* * * * *_

The room was silent for a long time. Aziraphale could feel a large amount of shame clouding Alice’s aura and her face was riddled with humiliation and self-loathing.

“Oh, Alice.” He said softly, his voice sad and pained. The girl nestled closer against him, hoping to take in as much comfort as possible, even though her mind was telling her that she deserved nothing of the sort. Aziraphale pulled her a little closer, rubbing a warm hand up and down her back.

“ _Alicssssssssssse_?” Crowley hissed gently.

“Mmm hmm?” Alice answered, her lip trembling a little.

“ _I need to assssk you a questssssion. I’m not mad at you at all, but I want you to ansssssswer me honessssstly_.” Alice nodded. “ _Have you been…’repenting’ in other wayssss while you've been here with ussss_?”

A little whimper came from Alice as she scrunched her eyes closed and nodded.

“ _Alicssssssse_?” Crowley asked.

Alice sighed as she rolled up her sleeve, revealing a whole line of fresh bruises and welts. They were deep and dark, some of the patches of bruised skin were so dark they almost looked black. There wasn’t a spot of healthy skin on her forearm to her wrist.

Aziraphale gently took a hold of her arm, examining the bruises as a look of pain came over his face before he pulled her into a tight hug.

“Oh my darling girl.” He breathed, wishing he could just hold her and keep the rest of the world away. Keep her safe from everything.

“ _Oh kid_ ,” Crowley whispered, looking at her arm.

“Your belt is under the bed.” She confessed before bursting into sobs and burying her face in her hands. Aziraphale tightened his hold on her and set his hand on the back of her head. She held onto him, letting her tears cry themselves out, clinging to him like he was a lifeline or like he was safety itself. Funny. She'd never even hugged her own father this way but for some reason, hugging Aziraphale this tightly felt right to her. He was safety. He was home. And the same went for Crowley, who gently nuzzled her cheek again, hissing to her in sympathy.

The little family held onto each other for a while before Alice’s tears began to run slower and her breath evened out.

“If you want to take a break, we can stop for tonight.” Aziraphale suggested.

Alice thought for a little. “If you don’t mind, I want to finish this. For some reason, it’s making me feel a little better. Talking about everything.”

Aziraphale rubbed her shoulder. “Okay, love. We’re listening.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Merry Christmas and Happy Kwanzaa! I hope everyone had a lovely holiday. I had such a nice time with my family watching movies, playing games and eating so much chocolate. I also got so many books for Christmas so you know what I'll be doing in my downtime.  
> Anyway, Alice is finally opening up to the boys, but that doesn't mean things are any easier. Poor kid. At least she has plenty of support and love.  
> I hope you enjoyed that chapter, if you did, kudos and comments are always appreciated. Thank you for reading and have a lovely day


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mentions of abuse

_Luckily that was the only time Alice got sick during morning prayer, but she would still get sick every morning. Either before prayer or after. But never during. It was almost as if her body knew better than to make her vomit during prayer time._ _It continued like that for days. Her father didn’t make her repent again, but he certainly wasn’t sympathetic. It was the same when she would cry or have panic attacks._

_“Shut up and suck it up! Christ suffered for you so you’d best be grateful.” “I don’t want to hear any more about your silly problems!” Or sometimes he would forgo the scolding and just give her a good smack. She’d learned a long time ago not to come to her father with any of her problems. Besides they weren’t that bad._

_At least that was what she tried to tell herself. But her body began to feel worse with every passing day. In addition to the vomiting, there were horrible aches in her head, back, and chest, she was tired and groggy all the time, she was either ravenously hungry or the mere thought of food would make her vomit (no in between), and she was increasingly irritable. Her father chalked it up to another bout of “teenage rebellion” and chose not to take it seriously._

_Her mother on the other hand was more quietly sympathetic, and more observant as well. Whenever Alice would return from the washroom after having just vomited, her mother would give her a strange, almost fearful look before asking if she was alright. Finally, after a week of vomiting and other horrors, about a month after she last saw Dylan, her mother took action._

_Her father left for work, taking her younger siblings with him to drop them off at either primary school or middle school while Alice and her mother cleaned up breakfast. Alice wasn’t eating very much, the poor state of her body was a factor as well as she never felt specifically hungry for the things her mother made anymore. Which was ridiculous, her mother was an amazing cook but every time she made one of her old favorites, Alice would be repulsed. She would never say that outright but she felt it either way. Despite this fact, Alice still found herself putting on a fair amount of weight. While her mother began washing the dishes, Alice went to her room to grab her books and then made her way out to the living room to wait for her tutor._

_“Alice.” Her mother called. “Don’t worry about your tutor, today. I canceled your class.”_

_Alice turned around, looking back into the kitchen, where her mother was still leaned over the sink. “What? Mum why did you do that? Dad will be furious if he finds out.”_

_Her mother gave her a conspiratorial smile that wasn’t supposed to be on the face of a pious woman. “It can be our secret.” She turned on the tap, running the warm water over the dirty dishes. “Honey, while I’m finishing the dishes, why don’t you go get your shoes and coat. I made a doctor’s appointment for you at ten.”_

_Alice was silent as she got herself ready and by the time she was ready to go, her mother was waiting by the door, a nervous smile on her face._

_The familiar had two cars, the nicer one was her father’s, after all he was the master of the family, the one who provided, but they still had a second car in case Alice’s mother needed to pick up something from the grocery store or if there was an emergency, so they didn’t have to rely on taking the bus._

_The car ride was silent. Alice’s mother wasn’t much of a talker to begin with, but even this quiet was too much. It was almost suffocating and it made Alice very anxious. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a very faint tremor to her mother’s movements. Alice's fidgeting also grew worse, though she was glad her compulsory ticks were starting up again when she was with her mother rather than her father. She'd always get quite the earful if her father ever caught her twisting her thumb or worrying at her knuckle._

_Soon they reached the clinic, where it was just them in the waiting room. Alice didn’t know why, but there was a very nervous energy around her mother as soon as they sat down. She did her best to ignore it and focus on her book. Even though she’d read_ The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe _no less than twelve times, she sometimes found herself reading it for comfort, and if there was ever a time when she needed comfort, it was now._

_“Alice Montgomery?” The doctor called. She and her mother stood as they were waved back into one of the exam rooms. “So what seems to be the problem?”_

_“Well, I’ve been feeling nauseous and throwing up for almost a week, I’m feeling really tired and groggy, and sore all over the place. At first I thought it was food poisoning or something, but then it kept going all week.”_

_“Alice are you on any medication?”_

_“No, sir.”_

_“Do any drugs? Drink recreationally?”_

_She almost laughed. “No sir.”_

_“Up to date on immunizations?”_

_“Yes, sir.” Her father had been stern about not vaccinating her or her siblings but when one of the kids in the parish had passed away from measles when Alice was ten and when her teacher threatened to suspend her if she didn’t get her shots, even under threat of going to court, her mother eventually convinced her father to give in, though he most definitely wasn’t happy about it._

_“Any allergies?”_

_“No, sir.”_

_“Previous surgeries or procedures?”_

_“I had my tonsils out when I was twelve.”_

_“Are you sexually active?”_

_Alice went quiet, looking from her mother to the doctor. She could be truthful. Her mother would tell her father and she’d be in huge trouble! Besides, it was only once. That wasn’t_ active _active._

_“No, sir.” She lied._

_Her mother let out a breath. Not relief or solace, not exactly. It was almost like she…disappointed? Did she know?_

_“When was your last period?”_

_“Four weeks ago. I’m expecting it any day now.”_

_“Well it is possible that these are onsets of period symptoms. Sometimes girls get nauseous or vomit before or during their periods, though never to this extent. It is possible that this could be a sign of something more serious, but I’ll need to do a blood test to be sure.”_

_“How soon can we get the results?” Alice’s mother asked._

_“Well we have a lab in our facility so anywhere between two to three hours.”_

_“Great.” Her mother said, taking out an index card and scribbling her mobile number on it. “Be sure to call this number, not my husband’s. In fact, it would be best if this entire ordeal could be kept from my husband.”_

_The doctor raised an eyebrow at her. “Mrs. Montgomery-?”_

_“Please.” Her mother said, her eyes sharp._

_The doctor sighed. “Okay.“_

_The blood test was pretty easy. Alice had never been very comfortable around needles, but she’d also known better from an early age to raise any kind of fuss about it. After that, a quick minor physical (just listening to her heart and lungs and checking her eyes, ears, nose, and throat), and taking her blood pressure, her mother paid the bill and they were on their way. The clinic was about an hour from their home so it was nearing 11:50 when they made it back to London, but instead of turning towards their neighborhood, her mother took a different exit, taking them into the heart of the city._

_“Mum?” Alice asked._

_“I was thinking we would go out for lunch. How does that sound?” Her mother explained._

_Alice noticed another small tremor in her mother’s movements and sensed a very small trace of fear in her voice._

_“Another secret from Dad?” Alice asked quietly._

_Her mother sighed. “I promise I’ll explain things soon.” Alice remained quiet for the rest of the trip, wanting to believe her mother._

_They pulled into a little cafe, all the outdoor seating had been taken away a little over a month ago when the weather was beginning to get colder. With Christmas only a week and a half away, the entire busy street was lit up with all kinds of beautiful decorations. The windows were littered with stickers and decorations_ , _fake candles, and stars. There were other decorations too. Ones that she only recognized because some of her classmates in middle school were Jewish. One time, their class president Isobel did her class project on the traditions she and her family used to celebrate Hanukkah, which Alice thought was nice but when she told her father about it, he gave her a smack with his belt and told her to get those sinful, heathen thoughts out of her head._

_Alice shuddered, pushing the memories away as she and her mother were led to a little table in the corner. If she were being truthful, she was really in the mood for a cup of hot cocoa, but it was still advent and she was supposed to put the more luxurious things in her life away until after Christmas. So she ordered a glass of water. When the waiter came to ask for their orders, Alice said she’d just stick with water._

_“Nope.” Her mother protested. “You need to eat something, pet.” She looked back at the waiter. “She’ll have the chicken pot pie, please.”_

_“Very good, ma’am.” The waiter said as he stepped away._

_“Mum, it’s Friday.” Alice reminded._

_“It’s alright, honey. I’m sure God can’t fault you for one day. Besides, if He does, He’ll be mad at me, not you.” Okay this had gone too far. If her dad heard half of the things her mother had said, he’d throw a fit, and likely a few dishes. Alice wasn’t comfortable keeping all these secrets but she also loved her mother dearly. She didn’t want to sell her out but she didn’t want to keep lying like this. She didn’t know where to stand, so she did what she normally did when she was distressed. She stayed silent._

_The waiter brought out her food and told her to enjoy, which is when Alice noticed her mother hadn’t ordered anything for herself, but once again, she didn’t want to raise a fuss. She couldn’t remember if she enjoyed the pot pie or not, she was too anxious to hear the results of the blood test and anxious about what was going on with her mother and just in general, anxious.When the waiter came and asked if they were interested in dessert, her mother looked at Alice, who said no. She’d already broken her fast, she didn’t want to make it worse. As the waiter left to get the bill, her mother’s mobile rang. She answered, greeting the doctor from before. Then the smile fell from her face and she went pale._

_“Mum?” Alice asked._

_Her mum looked like she was about to faint. She shook her head, gathering herself, and said, “Thank you, Doctor. I’ll be sure to tell her.” She hung up and gave Alice a look of pure terror. The waiter brought the bill and her mother dropped several pound notes on the table and stood, grabbing Alice by the wrist and rushing out to the car._

_“Mum what’s going on?” Her mother remained silent as she got behind the wheel, Alice climbing into the passenger seat. “Mum, you’re scaring me.” Her mother slammed on the gas, racing off down the street and still not answering Alice. Now she was scared._

_The reached home quickly and her mother hurried her inside, checking all around for any sign of life in the house before joining Alice back out in the living room, where the girl was sitting on the sofa, trying to get her thoughts back under control._

_“Alice, what have you done?” Her mother breathed._

_“What? Mum what are you talking about?”_

_Her mother sat down across from her, her head in her hands. When she looked up, she was pale and close to tears. She was just as scared as Alice._

_When she met her daughter’s eyes, she stood back up and sat down next to her on the sofa, pulling her into a tight hug._

_“Mum, what is going on?” Alice asked for nearly the twentieth time that day._

_Her mother took her hand. “Alice…you’re pregnant.”_

_* * * * *_

Aziraphale continued to stroke Alice’s hair as she told her story. The girl felt comforted by it, enjoying the warmth of his hands and the slow movement.

“At first I was confused.” She said. “I’d been taught that sex led to babies, of course, but it was also emphasized over and over again that sex was only supposed to be between married people. So I thought that you needed to be married for sex to work. Well, for sex to result in a baby at least.” She sighed, leaning her head on Aziraphale’s shoulder. “I was so bloody stupid.”

“No,” Aziraphale protested gently, “no, dear child, you’re not stupid. Just ill informed.”

“ _Which issssssss not your fault_.” Crowley finished.

"Y-you're sure?" Alice said, her voice even quieter than before.

"Yes, absolutely." Aziraphale said Your ignorance is not your folly. It was the responsibility of your parents to give you the information you needed and they failed. Not you."

Alice sighed, settling her head on Aziraphale's shoulder again while the angel held her close, his fingers gently running over her hair. Crowley lifted his head again, gently bumping his snoot to her cheek, as he'd done several times over the course of this fucked up night, but it seemed to be comforting to Alice so he'd do it as many times as she'd allow him. A weak smile came to Alice's face as she reached up to her shoulder and gave Crowley's scaly head a little pat.

“Either way, after Mum told me, then she told me I needed to leave.

* * * * *

_“W-what?” Alice stammered as her mother hurried into her bedroom, pulling her backpack out from under her bed. “L-leave? Why?”_

_“Because if your father gets word of this, you’ll be in huge trouble. Even worse, you could be in real danger. I know how angry your father gets whenever one of us commits a sin but this is something really big. If he gets wind of this, he could really hurt you.”_

_She went to Alice’s closet and began pulling out as many clothes as she could._

_“Mum-”_

_“Don’t say anything, just grab as many clothes as you can fit in that bag.”_

_Alice trembled as she walked to her dresser, pulling out as many pairs of jeans and sweatpants as she could carry. Her mind was still reeling from the revelation._

_Pregnant? She was pregnant? How? Was it…Dylan? That night they spent…but they weren’t married, how was that possible?_

_“Alice hurry!” Her mother urged. “You need to be out of here before your father gets home.”_

_“Where am I supposed to go?” Alice asked._

_“I can’t know that!” Her mother said, tears coming to her eyes. “You and I both know what a horrible liar I am. If your father tries to drill me on this, he’ll either figure it out, or I’ll crack and give you away.” The guilt was clear in her voice and all over her face. But she kept herself together as she began shoving clothes into Alice’s backpack._

_“Mum-”_

_“Oh! Money! You’ll need money. Wait here, pet, I’ll be back in a moment.”_

_Her mother scurried off into her and her father’s bedroom, leaving Alice alone and trembling in her own room. She looked at the stack of clothes on her bed. It was likely they wouldn’t even fit her in a few months, possibly sooner. What was she going to do? Where could she go? Maybe there were some nearby churches who would take in wayward teens? No the pastors all knew her father and they would call him. Or maybe they would force her to repent._

_Repent._

_She looked at her dresser again, where the nine-tail whip was sitting on top. With a quivering hand, she picked it up. She was a sinner. A filthy whore. A temptress. A Jezebel. She would need to work extra hard before God forgave her. Without a second thought, she tucked the whip into her bag, piling some clothes on top of it. Her mother ran back into the room, an envelope in one hand, which she passed to Alice. Her other hand was full of old jewelry, which she crammed into the bag_

_“There 2,000 pounds in there, I tried to get more, but your father would likely notice if a larger amount was missing. The jewelry should fetch a few more hundred or so.” She finished shoving the clothes into Alice’s bag until it was full to bursting. Then she ran to Alice’s closet and pulled out the largest winter coat she could find and handing it to Alice, who swiftly pulled it on. “You need to hurry, your father will be home within an hour and you need to be far away by then.”_

_She shoved the bag into Alice’s hands and led her to the door._

_“Mummy?” Alice said, her voice frail._

_Her mother looked back at her, tears pooling in her eyes as she pulled Alice into a tight hug. “I love you, my precious girl. I’m so, so sorry.” She pulled away, setting a hand on Alice’s cheek. “Please be safe.”_

_She kissed her forehead and opened the door, sending Alice out into the unknown._

_* * * * *_

Crowley hissed angrily. “ _What the hell? Can’t know where you are or I’ll rat you out. What’sssssss her problem_?”

“She was just trying to protect me.” Alice defended numbly.

Crowley wanted to say more, let everyone know just what he thought of her mother, but for Alice’s sake, kept his thoughts to himself. Alice was already conflicted enough, she didn’t need him mucking around and confusing her even more.

Alice nestled into Aziraphale again. “I…I miss her sometimes. Which is stupid. Sometimes I was just as scared of her as I was of my father. She never beat me or anything, but I was scared she would tell him something I’d done. And…I resented her for never doing anything. I knew I deserved it but…” she sighed, a heavy tired sound coming from her. “It’s all so complicated.”

Aziraphale continued to rub her back. “It’s okay to miss her.” He said gently. “It’s okay to miss the good times you had with someone, even if you don’t want to go back. What's important is to not let yourself feel like you deserved the bad along with the good.”

“Sometimes I…” Alice thought for a moment before admitting, “sometimes I wish I could let her know that she doesn’t have to worry about me. That I made it somewhere safe. I don’t ever want to go back to her or my father but…I at least want her to know I’m safe.”

Aziraphale smiled and Crowley saw something knowing and almost mischievous but it was too overshadowed by something caring and gentle in a small twinkle in the angel’s stormy eyes.

* * * * *

Deborah Montgomery hadn’t had a decent night sleep in nearly five months, since she turned her daughter out. The minute she closed the door behind her, she regretted it. But she knew that the family house wasn’t safe for Alice. She’d seen the abuse of her children throughout their entire lives and if her husband knew that their daughter was a fornicator, she was scared that he would kill her. But that didn’t give her the right to turn her daughter away when she was most in need. It all just left her feeling so guilty and disgusted with herself. She should have done more, maybe sent her to a family friend or...no then she would have just cracked the second Matthew had tried to ask her. She hated how useless she was when it came to protecting her daughter.

Somehow she was able to drift off, though it was fitful and horrid but when she woke up, she’d woken from the strangest dream she’d ever had.

She saw Alice, standing in what looked like a kitchen, a bowl of dough in front of her, gradually getting thicker as she whisked away. Her stomach had started to swell and the pregnancy was becoming more obvious, but Alice looked happy. There was a healthy glow to her and when she set a hand on her stomach, a contented smile came across her lips. But Alice wasn't alone in the kitchen. She was standing between to people. Deborah could tell that they were supposed to appear to be men but something about them seemed otherworldly…ethereal. One of them had white hair and was wearing a cream colored suit. He had his arm around Alice in a protective and fatherly way. The other had hair as red as fire and was wearing a black blazer and skirt. The red-haired person said something Deborah couldn't hear and Alice began to laugh. She looked happy.

Alice turned her head and looked towards Deborah, a smile on her face.

“I’m safe, Mum.” She said. “I found a place where there are people who care about me. You don’t have to worry anymore. I’m safe.”

The last thing she saw before she opened her eyes was her daughter being enveloped in a loving embrace by the two beings.

Deborah knew that she would likely never see her daughter again. She didn’t blame her, not one bit. She was a horrible mother. Knowing this hurt. Part of that pain came from the fact that Alice found safety and love in a home that wasn’t hers and there was even a bit of jealousy that those two strangers made her feel safer than she had been in her entire life with Deborah and Matthew. But that jealousy and sadness was too overpowered by an overwhelming joy and peace to be any real threat. She had prayed so many times that God might bring Alice somewhere safe and loving and her prayers had been answered.

Her child was safe.

For the first time in five months, Deborah Montgomery breathed a sigh of relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! So long 2020, you were an awful year and nobody will miss you, here's hoping 2021 will be better.  
> So Alice is continuing to tell her story to the bois and they'll continue to keep loving her and listening no matter what.   
> Things on my end have been good, my dad and I have been going out for driving practice every day no and it's less mind numbingly terrifying as it was before. I'm finishing up my winter class, trying to catch up on all the work that was assigned for four day weekend (we've been off since the 31st) and my computer is acting a bit screwy (we're using google classroom and there were three assignments due the 28th that I have missing...only they were assigned on the 30th...what? So yeah I've emailed my professor about that a couple of times.) I hope things on your end have been good as well and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Kudos and comments are always so appreciated


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Abuse, mentions of parental and domestic abuse, threats of violence, reference to underage prostitution, and self deprecation

Sending the dream to Alice’s mother took less than a minute to take care of. Aziraphale wasn’t too happy with allowing the woman who turned Alice out on her own and enabled years of abuse to have any semblance of peace, but if it was what Alice wanted, he would do so.

With that done, he turned his attention back to Alice, still nestled against him as she continued to tell her story.

* * * * *

_The air was freezing as Alice walked the familiar route down the street. She didn’t want to seek help here, but she didn’t have anywhere else to go. Any extended family either lived too far away or would likely tell her father where she was and why she had run away. So this was her only choice._

_She reached Dylan’s house and noticed the family car wasn’t in the driveway. That was good, at least she didn’t have to climb up the pine tree. She had to be careful not to do anything too risky due to her…condition._

_She knocked on the door and waited before knocking again, much louder this time._ Please be home _. She thought._

_“Okay okay I’m coming.” Dylan’s voice sounded from the other side. He opened the door and his grumpy expression became worried and shocked. “Alice? What are you doing here?”_

_“Can I please come in?” Alice begged._

_“Yeah, sure.” Dylan said, still a little shell shocked. Alice was waved inside and she sat down on the couch, still a little chilly from the December frost._

_“Can I get you anything?”_

_Alice was about to ask for tea but stopped herself. Which teas had caffeine in them again? Caffeine was bad if you were pregnant right? Wouldn't it hurt the baby? Did she even care if it hurt the baby? Did she not care either way?_

_Before her breathing could start to pick up and she could start to get nervous and let her thinking run away with her, she just let out a simple, “No, thank you.”_

_Dylan sat down on the couch next to her, putting a hand on her knee. “What are you doing here, Sweet?”_

_“Mum kicked me out.” Alice said, doing her best not to cry. The wound was still too fresh and painful but she did everything she could to not burst out into tears. She didn’t have time to get emotional. Dylan knit his eyebrows, wordlessly asking for an explanation. Alice took a long inhale before looking Dylan square in the face and taking his hand. “Dylan…I’m pregnant.”_

_Dylan was stunned for a second before he ripped his hand from Alice's, stood up and started pacing, raking his fingers through his hair._

_“I’m sorry.” Alice murmured._

_“Damn right you are.” Dylan barked. “What the hell were you thinking?”_

_“What was I…Dylan, getting pregnant wasn’t my choice and-”_

_“Okay, we can fix this. There’s a planned parenthood clinic not too far-”_

_“Wait, why are you jumping to that option so fast?”_

_“So you want to keep it?” Dylan asked, slightly disgusted_.

_“No! I…I don’t know.” Alice folded her hands, quivering. “I just don’t want to make a decision this big unless I know I’m sure.”_

_“Oh lovely.” Dylan said, folding his arms and rolling his eyes. “So it’s not that you want to ruin my life, you just want to be absolutely sure you want to ruin my life.”_

_“Dylan…” Alice’s voice was weak._

_“Well? Spit it out.” Dylan ordered._

_Alice stood up, trembling. “If you’re not going to be supportive, then I’m going to leave.”_

_Before she could take a step, Dylan had grabbed her arm, a rage in his eyes. “You listen to me, slut.” He roared. “You don’t get to talk back to me like that. Tomorrow I’m taking you to the clinic and then we’ll put this whole mess behind us, you hear me?” Alice nodded weakly. “Good.”_

_They decided that when Dylan's parents came home around six, Alice would need to duck into his room, where she'd spend the night, then early next morning he'd drive her to the clinic where...things would be taken care of. Thinking about it just made her sick, but who was she to try and make a decision this big on her own?She was too stupid to do anything right._

_She spent the rest of the afternoon at Dylan’s house, absolutely terrified. She’d never seen him get that angry before. He reminded her…of her father. It was just her luck that he dozed off while watching a movie with her while waiting for his parents to get home. His arm was heavy around her shoulder and she had to move it with the gentlest precision, settling it over his chest. She tiptoed to the door, slipped on her jacket and backpack, and quietly crept outside._

_Just her luck it had already gotten dark and it was bloody freezing. The nearest hotel wasn’t too far but a bit out of her price range. She didn’t have a mobile or any kind of map so she had no point of reference, but she did remember seeing a little run down motel on the way out of the city. It was a long walk but it looked cheap and close by to some other businesses. She might be able to get a job._

_The walk was long and cold and hard on her feet. Even more, she felt like she was going to either pass out or throw up any minute. By the time she made it to the motel, she suspected she looked like death punched her in the face. Manning the desk was an older woman who looked to be in about her late sixties. Pinned to her red jumper was a name tag that read_ Maggie

_“How much for a room?”_

_“Seventy-five pounds.” The woman answered automatically. Alice fished the proper amount out of her bag and laid it on the counter. The woman gave her a sympathetic look. “You okay, luv? You need any police or anything?”_

_“No. Not necessary. Just need a bit of quiet.” Alice answered, taking the key the woman gave her and scurrying off to the room._

_As soon as she made it, she locked the door behind her and all but collapsed on the bed, not even bothering to change out of her clothes or take off her jacket. She’d start looking for jobs tomorrow but for right now, she was absolutely exhausted._

_* * * * *_

_"You certain you don't need anything else?" Maggie asked as she handed the styrofoam container to Alice._

_"I'm certain," Alice answered. "Go be with your mum." Maggie's mother was in the hospital again and Maggie wanted to spend as much time with her as she could because, from the tone of her voice as she told her, this would probably be her last chance._

_"Okay, luv. Have a good night!"_

_"You too, Maggie."_

_The door swung closed and Alice was left alone._

_It had been two weeks of searching for jobs and she’d found nothing. Despite the fact that there were plenty of shops that needed seasonal workers, they wouldn’t allow her in for an interview. Part of the reason was that her resume was so poor and her appearance wasn’t exactly cleaned up and spiffy, but she assured anyone who would listen that she was a hard worker and that she was willing to work for anything they were willing to pay her, no matter how low, just so long as she was paid. She was desperate. But she’d been turned away from every place she’d gone to._

_Alice let out a sigh as she sat down on the bed, opening the container to a small order of fish and chips. It wasn’t a very substantial meal but it was all she could afford with everything else going to the room payments. S _he had tried to pay Maggie for the meal like she usually did, but tonight Maggie had insisted that Alice take it for free.__

_She'd already sold the jewelry her mother had given her to a second hand shop two streets over, but she got the feeling that they had lowballed her and she was too stupid to notice until she gave a second thought to it. All the money she'd gotten from the jewelry had been spent on food, lodging and utilities (apparently the manager thought it would be a grand idea to not only raise the prices of rooms, but charge extra for heat)._

_Outside, a fine dusting of snow was beginning to fall, covering the busy city in glittering flakes._

_In the distance, church bells began to ring, sending out merry and lovely tones all through the bustle of the city. They were much grander than they usually were for evening mass, they were using every bell in the tower, the way they only did on special occasions. Wait a moment. The last time she’d been at home was December 10, two weeks ago._

_It was Christmas Eve._

_When she was younger, she would sing with the children’s choir for Christmas Eve mass. The church was always decorated with poinsettias and the nativity scene near the front of the church. There were candles always hung around the altar and the church was always packed, but it didn’t feel crowded. It felt cozy, close. Familial. Then they would all get home from mass and sit down to Christmas dinner. Her family crossed her mind, the lovely laid table with all the wonderful food. Her extended family gathered around. The advent wreath in the middle of the table sending a beautiful glow all through the dining room._

_Her life with her family was far from ideal, but the few, scattered moments of warmth and happiness was better than the life she was living now. She’d run out of money soon if she didn’t find a job and then she’d be out on the street, which meant finding a job would be even harder._

_There was one job that she could possibly try, but just the thought of it frightened her more than anything. The thought of waiting on street corners waiting for strange men to drive up to her, the constant leering and pawing, being touched by older men with cold hands just for some spare money made her want to vomit and then have a good cry._

_Even that was too ideal. Nobody wanted to sleep with a pregnant teenager._

_The bells rang again, one final happy chime across the air before they went silent, leaving Alice alone again._

_She set her styrofoam container on the little bedside table and pulled her knees to her chest, sobbing quietly to herself._

__

_* * * * *_

_A knock came at the door, waking Alice from a rather fitful sleep. She knew this was coming. She’d been staying at the motel for almost a month now and between rent and food, the money had all but run out. The least they could have done was not get her at three in the morning._

_She pulled on her jacket (she had to give up paying for heat to try and stretch some extra pounds), and opened the door, faced with the manager and Maggie._

_“Ms. Montgomery?” The manager asked. He was a burly man with a bushy mustache and tended to look down his nose at people. He reminded her of her father._

_“That’s me.” Alice answered, dejected._

_“We noticed that you didn’t pay for your room last night or for this night.”_

_“Yes, sir.” She confirmed._

_“So you’ll either have to pay up or leave immediately.”_

_“Mr. Waterford, can’t we at least let her stay the rest of the week?” Maggie asked. “She’s just a kid and has nowhere to go.”_

_“And keep a room that would go to a customer who pays? Do you know what a week without payment will cost us?”_

_“I’ll pay for her if I have to-”_

_“She has to leave, end of story.” He looked back at Alice. “I want you out of here before five a.m. hear me?” Alice nodded and the manager stropped away. The older woman reached into her purse and pulled out a wad of pound notes, pressing them into Alice’s hand._

_“If you need any more, there’s a second-hand shop down the road that has a charity till for the homeless. Just tell him Maggie sent you, he should help you out.”_

_“Thank you.” Alice breathed._

_“Keep your chin up, luv.”_

_With that the older woman headed back to the desk, leaving Alice to pack._

_* * * * *_

_“I’ll give you twenty pounds for the lot.” The owner of the shop said, looking at the pile of clothes on the counter._

_“Twenty?” Alice said. “They’re worth twice that much!”_

_“I know what I see, kid. Anyone else wouldn’t be nearly as generous as I’m being.”_

_Alice regretted not selling the jewelry here. She'd likely get lowballed again, but at least James was kind enough to offer what he could. The other place had just been sleazy but she had been too desperate for extra money to think ahead. Foresight never was one of her best traits. Well, one look at her slightly bulging belly would be enough to tell anyone that._

_“Please, I need money for food.” Alice begged._

_“Look, Alice, I’ve done all I can for you, but I’ve got no more money from the charity fund. Twenty is the best I can do.”_

_Alice had already sold half of her clothes to him after leeching away half of the charity fund, then refusing any more because she didn't want to be a bother. She would have accepted the rest of it now, dignity be damned, but there were other homeless people in the city aside from her. This second round of sales would only leave her with a few sets of sweatpants, a couple of t-shirts, one jumper, and a pair of jeans._

_She tugged her coat closer to her and…her coat._

_She pulled the coat off her shoulders and placed it on the counter. “My mother paid forty-five pounds for this coat. The lowest I’ll take thirty, on top of the twenty for the rest of the clothes. Please.”_

_The owner looked at the coat and the other clothes and a look of sympathy came across his face._

_“I’ll give you seventy for all of them.”_

_Alice sighed in relief. “Thank you. Thank you so much.” He took the pile of clothes and the coat and place them in a box under the counter and pulled three twenty pound notes and a ten note from the cashbox, which Alice quickly tucked into her pocket._

_“Good luck out there.” The owner said as Alice walked back out into the cold._

_It was getting dark and she didn’t want to be out and about for too long, so she made her way back to her usual spot, near the dumpster by the Chinese place only to find someone else was there. A larger man and two women were sitting behind the dumpster with a fire going in a garbage can._

_“E-excuse me?” Alice asked. One of the women looked toward her._

_“Who the fuck are you?” She snorted._

_“A-Alice.” The girl stammered._

_“What d’you want?” The first woman asked rudely._

_“Erm, this is my spot…”_

_“Ain’t anymore.” The man growled, standing up._

_“W-well,” Alice said, becoming more frightened by the second. “T-there’s plenty of room here and there’s always lots of leftover food to go around. Maybe we can share-“_

_Before Alice could finish her statement, the man picked up a glass bottle from the ground and smashed it over the side of the dumpster, wielding the broken half towards Alice._

_“Beat it.” He warned._

_Alice didn’t need to be asked twice._

_The snow had luckily taken a break but it was still freezing out. Alice’s jumper did little to shield her as she walked down the Soho street. Most of the shops were closing, but the streets were still crowded with people, jostling her about._

_Just at the corner was a large building with warm yellow lights streaming from the windows. Alice took a glance inside and saw a man with white hair cuddled next to a woman with red hair and dark sunglasses, kissing her on the cheek. Alice felt a pang of jealousy seeing how warm and cozy they were. At first glance, the interior looked like a bookshop. Alice debated knocking on the door until she saw the closed sign. They wouldn’t let her in. Even if the shop was open. She was a dirty street urchin and a whore. She didn't belong in such a lovely, warm place. She sighed as she continued down the street, coming across an alley wedged between the bookshop and a smaller restaurant. If her brief time on the street had taught her anything, it was to hide out behind restaurants. There was always leftover food that she could root through. But that night, she was just too tired to try and find some food. It was likely that she wouldn’t get much sleep, but she could at least try._

_She stayed tucked in that alleyway for two weeks, before a harsh rainstorm forced her to take shelter. She decided to try her luck and hide out in the bookshop until the storm was over, choosing to hole herself up in a secluded nook on a cozy armchair. She was dead tired but it would be rude to fall asleep in someone else’s building, especially if it was a place of business. But maybe…maybe if she just rested her eyes for a few minutes…_

_Before she knew it, she was dozing soundly in the chair before she was gently nudged awake by someone with white hair and a kind round face._

_* * * * *_

Alice sighed as she finished the story, resting her head on Aziraphale’s shoulder the entire time. After she had finished, there was a long and very awkward silence. Aziraphale could feel tears coming to his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Alice whispered.

“ _Sssssssssorry_?” Crowley hissed, slithering from Alice’s shoulder to her hand. “ _What for_?”

“I didn’t know telling you all that would bother you so much. I mean I should have figured, it’s a really distressing story, I…I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Oh, my girl.” Aziraphale said, holding her tight. “You don’t need to be sorry. I’m so glad you felt safe enough to tell us that, and the only reason we’re distressed is that it pains us so much that you had to endure all that. And endure it alone. But what’s important is that you’re here now, you’re safe, and you’re not alone.”

Alice sighed as she set Crowley on the quilt, the demon shifting back into his more humanoid form.

“I’m sorry you have to deal with all my problems.” Alice said, tears starting to form in her eyes. “I’m sorry I’m broken.”

“Hey, that’s not true, kid.” Crowley assured, setting his hand on her shoulder. “You’re not broken. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“I am though." Alice murmured, more tears trickling down her cheeks. 

"You're not. You've been dealt a bad hand and have had some really bad luck. You went through a trauma and are working to process it. But you're not broken. You just need a little love and patience." She trembled and Crowley rubbed a gentle circle into her shoulder. "You're not broken." He repeated.

A weak smile came over Alice's face as she leaned into Crowley, settling between him and Aziraphale.

The angel looked at the clock on the bedside table. “Goodness, it’s almost three in the morning.”

“Sorry I talked for so long.” Alice apologized.

“No, no my dear. I wasn’t saying that. What I am saying is we should probably get some sleep.”

Alice quivered. There was clearly something on her mind but it was also clear that she didn’t want to bother them, though Crowley would assure her over and over again that she would never bother them, no matter what.

“Do you want us to stay with you?” Crowley asked, scooting a bit closer to her and Aziraphale, putting his arm around the angel, keeping Alice nestled snugly between them.

“It’s silly.” Alice said. “I’m sixteen. I shouldn’t need company to fall asleep like a toddler.”

“There's no shame in it, dearest. You've been deprived of love and safety for so long, consider this making up for lost time.” Aziraphale said, rubbing the girl’s shoulder. "Besides, it’s been a very frightening and draining day. We’re glad to stay with you. We like knowing that you feel safe.

Alice sighed and nodded as Crowley pulled the duvet up. They were still sitting with their backs against the headrest, though Alice had shifted down slightly and now had her head resting against Aziraphale’s belly. She looked exhausted but at the same time like she wasn’t going to sleep any time soon.

“Are you alright my dear?” Aziraphale asked as he tucked his end of the duvet in.

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to fall asleep.” Alice admitted. “My mind just won’t stop shouting at me.”

“I could use a miracle.” Aziraphale offered. “One quick snap and you’re out like a light.”

Alice shrugged. “I don’t know if I’d be comfortable with that.”

“Alright.” Aziraphale thought for a moment before he said, “I could sing.” Alice raised an eyebrow at him. “It’s more than just an idle comfort. An angel’s singing is meant to calm and soothe. It fills anyone in need of comfort with a sense of peace.”

“That sounds lovely.” Alice murmured, nestling against Aziraphale’s belly. She’d never cuddled with her parents when she was younger. The only person she’d ever cuddled was her sister, and that was only when she was sick. But she liked this. This felt safe. This felt warm and whole. She felt whole.

Aziraphale tucked the blanket around her, cleared his throat and began to sing, a soft, comforting hymn.

_“You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst_

_You shall wander far in safety, though you do not know the way_

_You shall speak your words in foreign lands, and all will understand_

_You shall see the face of God and live_

_Be not afraid_

_I go before you always_

_Come follow Me_

_And I will give you rest”_

Alice let out a contented sigh as she committed the warmth and calm she was feeling to memory. She wanted to keep this feeling in a bottle, keep it close to her and bring it out when she was scared or downtrodden or alone. She wanted to frame this moment and keep it with her always. She didn’t remember telling Aziraphale that “Be Not Afraid” was her favorite hymn, but something told her he didn’t need to be told to know.

_“If you pass through raging waters in the sea you shall not drown_

_If you walk amid the burning flames, you shall not be harmed_

_If you stand before the pow’r of hell and death is at your side_

_Know that I am with you through it all._

_Be not afraid_

_I go before you always_

_Come follow Me_

_And I will give you rest_

_Blessed are your poor for the kingdom shall be theirs_

_Blessed are you who weep and mourn, for one day you shall laugh_

_And if wicked men insult and hate you all because of me_

_Blessed, blessed are you_

_Be not afraid_

_I go before you always_

_Come follow Me_

_And I will give you rest”_

Crowley found it interesting that it specifically said “If wicked men insult and hate you all because of me”. It certainly made sense for when the epistle that inspired was written, when Christians were being murdered and enslaved for their faith, but for some reason it still kinda rang true now, just not in the same way. Plenty of so called “good Christians” felt entitled to being absolute assholes to people just because they were different or in a difficult place and needed to work some less than ideal jobs to get by or just because of who they were. And they did it all because they thought God wanted them too. Wicked men insulted and hated because of God. If he were being honest, Crowley thought that the ones closer to Jesus (and he would know, he met the guy) were the ones that those fake Christians kept ostracizing. 

Alice let out a sleepy sigh. Before the third verse was even finished, she had dozed off and was snoozing with her head resting against Aziraphale’s belly while the angel stroked her hair. When he finished the song, he looked down lovingly at the sleeping girl, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“You’re safe now.” He whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it. That's the twisted path that brought Alice to Crowley and Aziraphale. It was a long unfortunate road, but at least she's finally safe. It's gonna be a longer road for her to feel secure but at least she has support and love. (Also yes, part of the inspiration for this chapter was _The Little Match Girl_ by Hans Christian Anderson only this one has a much happier ending (though there is the similarity of both girls being taken into the loving care of an angel, so the ending is somewhat the same but in different context)  
> Anyway, I hope things are just lovely on your end. In a few days it's my grandma's birthday, so my parents, aunt, uncle, and I stood on her lawn and just had a lovely chat as well as giving her some gifts (I knitted her a shawl). Also, today is the first anniversary of the very first time I ever uploaded to ao3 and the first anniversary of my other ongoing fic, _Godfathers_ about a young woman who finds out she's half angel and half demon and seeks help from Crowley and Aziraphale.  
> So anyway, I hope you liked that chapter, kudos and comments are very much appreciated if you did. Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of past abuse, mentions of underage prostitution, depression and anxiety, toxic thinking, bias against mental illness (including use of the term "crazy"), discussions of religion

Aziraphale wasn’t sure what time either he or Crowley fell asleep, but before he knew it, he was opening his eyes to the sunlight streaming in through the bedroom window. By some miracle, he had fallen asleep while still sitting up against the headrest. Crowley’s head was resting on his shoulder and Alice was fast asleep between them, her head still nestled against Aziraphale’s belly.

The angel smiled, brushing a few stray locks of hair from the girl’s forehead. She let out a sleepy sigh and nuzzled his stomach again. Something warm bloomed in Aziraphale’s chest. There was nothing but pure love for Alice and hearing about all the suffering she had undergone before finding them had caused him so much pain, especially that moment in her story where she’d actually contemplated…selling herself. But now, knowing that she was safe with them made him feel a lot better. There was still a hell of a long way to go, but at least she didn’t have to worry about finding food or making rent on time and she’d never have to be alone.

His heart ached again when he thought about her spending Christmas all alone in a dirty motel room, listening to the church bells in the distance. He ruffled her hair and she gave another sleepy sigh. If everything went according to plan, she’d never have to spend another Christmas alone again.

He sighed, thinking about the envelope sitting on top of the dresser back in his and Crowley’s room. He had been hoping the two of them could ask Alice about her thoughts on his idea rather soon, but after the events of yesterday, his top priority was seeing to her mental health. Asking her something that big would likely overwhelm her and that was the last thing he wanted. So they would wait as long as she needed. He was aware that he was cutting it close to the baby’s due date and so far Alice had had no luck finding another family who was willing to adopt the little one. She’d scoured the internet for sites where expectant mothers who didn’t want their children could connect with families that wanted them but either they were buried by other more popular sites or they didn’t exist. So unless she wanted to give in to letting Ezra and Maya adopt the baby and not let her see it, the poor girl was stuck. So she was in a delicate position about deciding if she still wanted to give the baby up for adoption or finding a closer, and hopefully more open family to adopt it and he and Crowley were in the delicate position of not having enough time to run the idea by her when she was ready to hear it before she gave up the baby.

But that could wait for another day.

One step at a time after all.

Crowley stirred on his shoulder before golden eyes slowly flickered open.

“G’morning, Angel.” Crowley said, groggily kissing the angel on the cheek.

“Good morning, my dear…”

“Girl.” Crowley finished.

“Well then, good morning, my dear girl.” Aziraphale greeted, kissing the top of Crowley’s soft red tresses. Crowley let out a little purr of contentment at the contact and looked down at Alice, still fast asleep.

“Kid really tuckered herself out.” She observed.

“Well it was a rather distressing day, and going to an emotional extreme like that can take quite a bit out of someone.” He sighed. “Not to mention opening up about some of what she’d been through, that probably took a lot of emotional energy too.”

Crowley gently rubbed Alice’s shoulder. “I’m just glad she felt safe enough around us to say it.” She said. Aziraphale hummed in agreement. “Sooooo…we’re gonna have to talk about what happened yesterday. And last night.”

“Yes.” Aziraphale affirmed. “Yes we are.”

Crowley was silent for a few seconds. “That’s not going to be an easy conversation.”

“No it won’t.” Aziraphale agreed. “But it’s definitely one that we need to have.”

“No argument here, Angel.” Crowley said, making a vague gesture with one of her hands before looking back down at their sleeping charge. “I just hope she’ll be okay.”

Aziraphale kissed Crowley’s temple. “We’ll all get through this together.” He said.

Alice’s head gave a little turn and she murmured a quiet, “Mmm?” before her eyes blearily opened.

“Good morning.” Aziraphale greeted.

“G’ morning.” Alice said through a yawn before sitting up, a few cracks coming from her stiff joints before she swiveled around to face them. “Thank you for staying with me. I…I really didn’t want to be alone.”

“Of course, love.” Aziraphale said with a gentle smile.

Alice sighed, looking at her hands. “I’m sorry you two had to see that. I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“You didn’t, dear one.” Aziraphale assured. “We told you as much last night. We don’t see you as a bother, not even close. And we’re happy to listen and help you through whatever problems you have.”

Crowley shot him a look before glancing at Alice.

Aziraphale cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Why don’t we go get some breakfast? Crowley and I have something we’d like to discuss with you.”

Alice went pale. “Please don’t make me leave.” She begged. “I promise I won’t bother you anymore. I’ll keep quiet and keep out of your way. I’ll-”

“Whoa, slow down there kid, take a few breaths.” Crowley said, setting a hand on Alice’s shoulder. Alice inhaled, held it, and exhaled. “One more?” Crowley requested. Alice repeated the motion once more before looking at the two of them. “We’re not gonna make you leave. I promise you we’re not gonna make you leave.” She smiled at the girl. “You’re stuck with us kid.”

Alice let out a small breath of relief but still looked a little nervous.

“I’m gonna get started on breakfast, then. Care to give me a hand?” Crowley asked.

“Sure.” Alice said timidly.

The three of them walked out to the kitchen still in their pajamas. Crowley got to work on frying some eggs while Alice began whipping up some batter for pancakes. Aziraphale for his part began boiling some water and melting some chocolate for hot cocoa and set the coffee machine up for Crowley before cutting up some fruit. It was all a bit too quiet for the angel’s liking but he couldn’t, nor did he want to, force Alice to be talkative. After all, he said it himself, last night had been quite difficult for her. He didn’t know what had gone on before he had woken up and wandered into her room, but from the blood and fresh wounds on her back, he could make a pretty educated guess. Which meant that this talk was even more crucial.

When they’d finished preparing everything, they sat down at the table, Alice pausing to say a quick grace to herself and only over her plate and not over the whole meal, not wanting to harm Crowley. Both angel and demon could sense that her heart wasn’t in the prayer. There was uncertainty in her aura and it seemed more like something she was doing out of obligation rather than desire.

When she’d finished praying, the three of them began eating, well Crowley just stuck with coffee. About halfway through the meal, Aziraphale spoke up.

“Alice, do you think you could talk to us about what happened yesterday?”

Alice sighed, poking at her pancakes with her fork. “What’s there to tell? You both saw it. My dad found me and reminded me to repent.”

“Well, that’s mostly what we wanted to talk to you about.” Aziraphale said. “We know that you’ve been taught from a young age that when you do wrong, you need to…well, punish yourself. But that kind of thinking is unfair to you.”

Alice looked up at them, her face still tired. “Isn’t it?” She said, her voice numb. “You do something wrong, you’re punished for it. It’s just how it works.”

“That’s only half true, kid.” Crowley said. “Punishment is only used to make sure someone doesn’t do something wrong again. Gives them a chance to think about what they’ve done wrong. But it’s supposed to be a way to get people to try and make a better effort, not hold themselves to a ridiculously high standard.” Alice gave her a bit of a hurt look. Crowley sighed. She was not good at this. “Kid, what we wanted to talk to you about, you should know this doesn’t mean we think any less of you, we want to try and help you. Have you ever thought about going to therapy?”

Alice went pale and looked like Crowley had just asked her to confess to a murder. “No I-I’m not crazy. I don’t need therapy. Please I’m not…I don’t….I’m not crazy.”

“We don’t think you’re crazy.” Crowley assured, before correcting herself. “We know you’re not crazy. That’s not why we’re suggesting this.”

Alice shook her head rapidly, the early signs of a panic coming on. “No, th-therapy is only meant for people who aren’t s-strong enough or m-mentally sound enough to live life like a normal person.” She parroted, no doubt another toxic belief her father had pounded into her. “Just need to pray and repent…that’ll make everything better…”

“Alice,” Aziraphale stood from his seat and knelt by Alice’s, a little lower than her eye level, “take some deep breaths, alright? Just breathe.” He took her hands and took a few breaths in time with her, miracling a wool handkerchief and pressing it into her hands. Alice took a few more deep breaths as she ran her fingers over the handkerchief. “There’s a girl.” Aziraphale soothed before returning to his seat. “We don’t think any less about you. We know you’re not…well I don’t like using the term ‘crazy’ but we do know that you are of a relatively sound mental state. But you’ve gone through some truly traumatic experiences and forcing yourself through them is not the same as properly processing.” He glanced at Crowley. “Granted, Crowley and I aren’t human so we don’t know everything there is to know about human mental conditions, but that’s another reason why going to therapy is a good thing. They’ll help you process and understand your own mental state and the trauma you’ve gone through in your own time. And they’ve been trained to do so, so we don’t have to worry about actually causing you any harm.”

“I…I don’t know…” Alice murmured.

“Kid, what did you think of talking it all out last night?” Crowley asked.

“I liked it. It was difficult to talk about, but letting it all go like that felt good.”

“That’s basically all therapy is, though with someone who can actually help reframe your thinking, not with two idiots who don’t know which end is up.” Alice laughed weakly. “It’s just two people, talking.”

Alice bit her lip. “I wouldn’t be able to afford it.” She admitted. “Doctors are expensive.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about paying.” Aziraphale assured.

A worried look came over Alice’s face. “No, I can’t ask you to do that. I’ve already cost you enough, with housing and food and everything. I don’t want you to waste more money on me.”

“It’s not a waste, darling.” Aziraphale said.

“We can literally make money appear out of thin air.” Crowley said.

Aziraphale gave her a sidelong glance before looking back at Alice. “Even if we couldn’t, we would still pay for you. Maintaining your health, both physical and mental is important to us and if it helps, then we’ll be happy to pay.” Alice began twisting her thumb when Aziraphale reached across the table and took her hand again. “Alice, we care about you. Seeing you in this much pain… it hurts us too. Will you at least consider it?”

Alice nervously looked between the two of them before she sighed. “I’ll…try it for a little. If it’ll make you two happy.”

Aziraphale let out a little sigh of relief. “It would dear. But you shouldn’t go because it’ll make us happy. You should go because it’ll make life a little easier for you.” Alice dropped her eyes. Thinking about herself first was not one of her strong suits. In fact, her father had taught her for years that putting yourself before others was a sin. Her back ached thinking about it and a small, involuntary twitch worked its way through her hand.

“What about…what about repenting?” She murmured.

Aziraphale looked puzzled for a moment before a sad look came over his face. “If you’re talking about simply asking God for forgiveness, that’s one thing. However if you’re referring to your father’s definition of repentance, I’m afraid that option is off the table. We won’t allow you to keep hurting yourself.”

“Even if it shows God that I’m regretful for the wrongs I’ve committed?”

“There are better ways to show remorse and ask for forgiveness.” Aziraphale said gently. Alice sighed. “My dear,” Aziraphale went on, “say I accidentally broke something that belonged to you, said I was sorry and said that I would replace it. Would you want me to do something to hurt myself on top of that?”

“What?” Alice gasped, snapping her eyes back up to look at Aziraphale. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Please answer the question. Would you want me to hurt myself.”

“No.” Alice answered. “You already said you were sorry and you said you were going to replace it.”

“So why is it any different for you?”

“Because the things I’ve done wrong are worse than just accidentally breaking something that belonged to someone else. That’s not worthy of proper repentance.”

“How is it any different for God then?” Crowley mused. “If you’re expected to forgive and forget, why can’t God be the same?”

“Because it doesn’t work like that!” Alice shouted, rising to her feet. The room was quiet for a minute. Alice had never raised her voice at either of them like that before. She really had been pushed too far. As quietly as she could, she sat back down in her seat, her eyes trained on her hands. “I’m sorry for yelling.” She quavered.

“What do you mean it doesn’t work like that?” Aziraphale asked gently, noticing the quick flinch that came from Alice at the sound of his voice.

“Because…it just doesn’t work like that.” Alice repeated. “God is this…all powerful being who…well, made everyone and everything. He…or She…doesn’t have time to deal with…pathetic sinners…like me…” Alice looked like she was going to burst into tears at any moment. “Why would She bother Herself with someone like me when there’s so many other important things on Her mind? She could just cast me into hell and be done with it. I need to make sure I’m worth Her time…or…I don’t know.”

Aziraphale stood, moved his chair next to hers, and sat down. “You’ve heard God is Omnipresent? Omniscient?” Alice nodded. “So it doesn’t matter if She has other things, She always makes time for Her children. Her creations. Time doesn’t affect Her the way it does us. So She always has time for you and she always listens, no matter how insignificant it may seem.”

“But why would She even _want_ to bother Herself with me?” Alice said dejected.

“Omnibenevolent.” Crowley said from the other side of the table. “I said as much last night. She loves you kid. Hard not to, you’re a good person.”

Alice sighed. “I don’t know what to do. I still believe that God exists but…”

“You don’t know if you want to support Her.” Crowley finished.

“I mean, so many people do such terrible things and they do it because they think it’s what God wants. That doesn’t feel right to me. It feels the opposite of right.”

“I know the feeling.” Aziraphale said bitterly. Crowley grunted in agreement. “You can still believe in Her existence and choose not to follow or worship.”

“’S pretty much what I do.” Crowley muttered.

“We’ll be here to support you, but that’s a decision that would be best made by you.” Aziraphale said.

Alice set her chin in her hand, continuing to pick at her breakfast. “I don’t know what to think or how to feel or anything. I told Crowley as much last night but I just feel…lost.” She looked up at them, glancing from one pair of eyes to the other. “I do want to still follow Her, but the only religious exposure I’ve had were from my parents and thinking about that…just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.”

“You don’t need to decide where you stand right this minute.” Aziraphale assured. “You can take as much time as you need to examine your feelings on your faith.”

“Still, doing nothing at all kind of feels wrong too.” She muttered, biting her lip. “It feels like no matter what I do I’ll be making the wrong decision.”

Aziraphale thought for a moment before he said, “I’d be happy to help. If you need someone to talk to about God or your faith or even just someone to pray with you each evening, I’d be more than willing. I’m not exactly a trained spiritual guide but-“

“Please, you’re a literal angel. I don’t think Alice could do better than that.” Crowley said, taking a sip of her coffee. Alice chuckled weakly.

Aziraphale rolled his eyes before kissing the demon’s cheek.

Alice thought for a few moments, looking pensively into her cocoa before looking back up at Aziraphale and Crowley.

“You’re…you’re sure you don’t mind? I don’t need it if you don’t want to do it.”

“I absolutely do not mind. I said I’d be happy to do it and I was being honest with you.” Aziraphale assured.

Alice looked down at her breakfast and put a hand on her belly, a contemplative look on her face. Aziraphale wondered what was going on in her mind. She was a complex person. She’d had to face very adult problems and emotions and had a rather jaded outlook on people and the world that he usually saw in much older people. But there was still that want for affection and affirmation that was present in small children. And while some people tended to be transparent with what they were thinking, Alice had trained herself to keep her less than “ideal” emotions crammed down into her, so the blank look on her face could literally mean anything. But as Aziraphale studied her expression, there was a small trace of hope in her eyes. He wouldn’t call it transparent, not by a long shot, but she wasn’t hiding it.

When the thoughts dancing through her mind locked themselves away again, Alice looked up at Aziraphale.

“Okay.” She murmured.

Aziraphale smiled and pulled the girl into a hug. “We’re with you, my dear.” He whispered. “No matter what, you don’t have to do this alone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm uploading this a day early because I'm going back to school tomorrow and I'll be spending the whole day either packing, on the road, or unpacking and then once I'm back on campus, I've got rehearsal for a radio drama thing that my hometown is putting together and then at that point I'll likely be too tired.  
> So anyway, Alice is on her way to recovery and she has her guardians to look out for her. It won't be easy but she's taken the first steps.  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Kudos and comments are always so appreciated. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Discussions of self harm, mentions of past abuse, self deprecation, discussions of starving oneself, and discussions of anxiety and depression. There's also quite a bit of religious talk in this chapter, some of it is discussion about toxic religious beliefs/practices, but mostly it's centered around discussions of faith and practices. If that's not your cup of tea, I'd suggest using discretion, but this is also a chance for me to process my own feelings with my faith.   
> Also, I'm not a therapist so I'm not sure if the way I portrayed her is accurate, and if it isn't, I'm sorry

That following week was…difficult, to say the least. While Alice wasn’t doing the typical kind of self harm, it was still self harm and Crowley and Aziraphale needed to support her with her recovery. While Aziraphale wasn’t very familiar with self harm, Crowley was. She’d never harmed herself but she knew people who had and had seen some acquaintances through the early stages of recovery. She’d never told anyone in hell about this, there was no way to spin it into a more demonic light so it was just something she straight up never told anyone in hell. One thing she knew for certain was she had to let Alice know that neither of them were judging her and they just wanted her to know she was supported. Of course, letting her know this was a lot easier said than done, especially when she felt the punishment was deserved for doing wrong.

One afternoon, Alice was helping Crowley in the plant room, picking some rosemary when her tummy accidentally bumped a plant and knocked it over, breaking the pot. When Crowley heard the crash, she turned around and saw Alice had become pale as a ghost. There was an involuntary tremor to her arms and her right hand was gripping her left forearm so tightly Crowley was pretty sure that she’d break the skin. Gently as she could, Crowley walked over to Alice and asked to take her hand. Alice nodded and Crowley gently pried the girl’s nails from her arm and held her hand while she waited for her to calm down. While they were sitting in silence, Crowley noticed the tremors in Alice’s free hand, remembering they'd been present when Crowley had found Alice whipping herself again. In fact they had started shortly after Crowley had banished the whip. She figured that it was an involuntary response. The kid had grown up with the belief that she needed to hurt herself when she did something wrong ingrained so far into her brain it was gonna take a lot of digging to get it out again, so when that thought process was interrupted, well, tremors. Crowley didn’t really know how to put it, eloquence wasn’t really a strength of hers. But she had seen this before in her acquaintances, so she at least had a semblance of a clue on how to handle this.

“Here kid, give me your other hand as well?” Crowley requested.

Alice timidly lifted her trembling hand and set it in Crowley’s palm. The demon closed her fingers around Alice’s, giving her hands a gentle squeeze. “You’re okay. I’m not mad. You did nothing wrong. It was an accident.”

It was obvious Alice didn’t believe her, but Crowley wasn’t going to give up on the kid.

Aziraphale did his best to show he wasn’t going to give up on Alice either, though he knew even less about self harm than Crowley did. That morning, Aziraphale did as much research as he could on self harm and how to help someone in recovery. There were practically no books on the topic so Crowley had set him up using her laptop. Aziraphale wasn’t sure how this whole “internet” thing worked but soon fell into a rhythm. What he found would certainly be helpful, but (and he feared he’d risk sounding too cynical if he voiced this out loud to his fiancé) he was rather certain that they were already doing everything every website said. They were being nothing but vocal about how much Alice was supported and loved, did their best to show her that she wasn’t being judged, listened when she opened up, everything. But there was only so much a website could teach. Humans were far more complicated than a website could ever try to pin down. Besides, this wasn’t usual self harm, which stemmed from a place of internalized self hatred. Alice certainly had plenty of self hatred, but it wasn’t instinctual, it was taught, which would be just as hard to break. After all, it would likely be confusing for someone to hear her own father call her a sinful wretch her entire childhood and then turn around and have two beings she’d known less than a year doing everything they could to convince her of the opposite. Confusing Alice was the last thing Aziraphale wanted but he had no idea how to help her without further confusing her. Several times during his research, he had to take himself aside and remind himself that this was a slow process and as difficult as it was for him and Crowley, it was perhaps seven times harder for Alice. Their number one priority was giving her a safe environment if she ever felt the need to let herself feel vulnerable. One step at a time after all.

When they asked Anathema if she had any recommendations for therapists in the area, she directed them to Newt. Apparently the young man had been the one to find a therapist for his wife, since he’d lived in the area far longer than she had. When they’d first begun dating after the failed apocalypse, Anathema would sometimes become very anxious without any set prophecy to follow or wonder if she’d failed her great-great-great-great-great…Aziraphale wasn’t sure how many “greats” Agnes was to Anathema, but either way the young witch would sometimes wonder if she’d failed her ancestor. Newt (who had been seeing a therapist since he had been diagnosed with ADHD when he was 12 and anxiety when he was 16) had recommended his therapist’s office when Anathema would become too anxious or wired to even focus on getting out of bed. She had been diagnosed with a combination of anxiety and depression and had been seeing her therapist for about two and a half years now. So Newt was the one who recommended a therapist for Alice. He even offered to give her a ride to her first appointment (which Aziraphale almost accepted until he made Crowley promise to drive at most five above the speed limit if Alice was in the car) which was very kind of him. Alice was reluctant to go at first, Crowley had offered to stay in the waiting room while she was with the therapist, which the girl accepted. Once the therapist, an older woman in perhaps about her fifties, came into the waiting room and called Alice’s name, she glanced at the demon, looking very unsure about this. Crowley gave her a pat on the shoulder.

“It’s gonna be alright, kid.” She gave Alice an easy smile as she walked back into the office. She was in there for an hour and ten minutes and the whole time, Crowley could feel the doubt, insecurity, and self-loathing practically radiating from behind the door. The whole building was surrounded by an aura of doubt and anxiety, as was Alice, but as soon as she went into the office and the therapist closed the door, the aura soon ramped up to ten. Maybe Crowley should have offered to go in with her…no, Alice needed to do this on her own. Crowley would definitely support her, but she couldn’t do everything for her. It bugged her to no end that she couldn’t be of more help to Alice, but part of recovery was stepping back and allowing the person you’re helping to accept help on their own.

When the session was finished, the therapist led Alice back into the waiting room, her eyes puffy and red and a weary expression on her pale face. Without even uttering a single word, she walked over to Crowley and hugged her, settling a little. Crowley patted her shoulder and gave her a squeeze back.

“’S alright, kid. You’re alright. I’m glad you did this.”

“Ms. Crowley?” The therapist asked. Alice pulled away and Crowley looked up at the therapist, who was still in the doorway. “I was wondering if I could have a brief chat with you?”

Crowley glanced back down at Alice, who sat down in one of the waiting room chairs and began worrying at her thumb. The demon gave the girl a brief look before setting her hand on her shoulder. “Be out in a sec.” She reassured as she followed the therapist into a small room with a large plush armchair and a soft couch. There were several paintings of animals and sunsets and forests all with the same signature in the bottom lefthand corner. Crowley wondered for a brief moment if the therapist painted them herself, or at least was close to the artist, as she sat on the sofa while the therapist took the chair, picking up a clipboard.

“So you and your fiancé are currently fostering Alice, correct?”

Crowley searched for any kind of explanation that wouldn’t get any of them in trouble. In technical terms, she and Aziraphale were fostering Alice illegally, no paperwork or consent from previous guardians involved. Alice wasn’t a ward of the state, she was still under the custody of her parents. If the authorities in charge of fostering and custody disregarded Alice’s feelings on the matter, and they probably would seeing as Alice was still technically a minor and the government was made up of a bunch of wankers, what Crowley and Azirpahale were doing could technically be seen as kidnapping. It drove Crowley nuts, Alice’s father would get off scot free for abusing his kids and encouraging them to abuse themselves but Crowley and her fiancé would get the book thrown at them for trying to keep Alice safe.

The demon sighed. “We took her in when she ran away. We’re still trying to get the proper paperwork figured out but we refuse to send her back to her abusive parents.” It occurred to her as she said it that it was likely that Alice hadn’t disclosed anything about her home life during that session and she mentally kicked herself for betraying Alice’s privacy, but the therapist merely sighed, not at all surprised. “I’m not gonna tell you any of the super personal stuff she told us, don’t wanna betray her privacy.”

“I don’t want you to. I won’t disclose any of what Alice told me either, it’s up to her if she wants to share any of that with you. However, disregarding anything she told me, it’s clear to anyone who knows her that she has undergone serious trauma. How long have you and your fiancé…what’s their name so we can get right to the point rather than keeping up with this ‘your fiancé’ business?”

Crowley found herself appreciating the way this therapist ran things. “Aziraphale.”

“Right, how long have you and Azirpahale been fostering her?”

“About four months now.”

“What have you observed that you think I should work on with her? I won’t bring this up specifically until she does, but I want to have as much about her on my radar in case I need it. I only need behaviors and habits that might be harmful to her health, everything else is strictly need to know.”

This felt a little low, talking about Alice’s habits to a stranger, but Crowley’s main concern was making sure that Alice could one day get into a healthy headspace and that would take a lot of time, so she would need as much of a head start as possible.

“Well, we’ve both observed that she’s overly apologetic. Even if she’s done something by complete accident or even if something’s gone wrong that wasn’t her fault or her responsibility in the slightest, she’ll apologize profusely or freeze up or get defensive, promise to be better, or expect to receive some kind of punishment.” The therapist scribbled some notes down on her clipboard while Crowley spoke. “Poor kid has a panic attack if she so much as drops a dish. She really holds herself up to a painfully high standard it really worries me and Aziraphale.” Crowley sighed. “I just want her to be okay.”

The therapist gave Crowley an empathetic smile. “Your concern for her is really touching.” She said.

“We may have only known her for four or five months, but Alice has been like a daughter to us. We both just want to keep her safe.”

The therapist nodded before setting her clipboard aside. “I’d like to start seeing Alice regularly every week. I’ll let her talk over what times might work best with the two of you. In the meantime, I suggest you and Aziraphale keep doing what you have been, support her and let her know in every way that she is not at fault and make your home an easy place to feel safe. Show her that being vulnerable isn’t a bad thing and if she ever does open up to you, I’d suggest reacting with positive reinforcement so she makes the connection that vulnerability will not lead to something harmful. Reacting with indifference or giving no reaction at all may be interpreted as something negative. I will say I’m glad that Alice found you and Aziraphale. Adolescence is hard on everyone, but even more so to children who have been abused, and since Alice is dealing with the added stress of expecting a child, she needs support and care more than ever during this crucial time.”

“Well we weren’t planning on turning her out any time soon.” Crowley said.

“That’s good to hear. It’s obvious how much you care for her and I’m glad she has support. But the most important thing here is to let Alice take the lead. She'll most likely be tentative or reluctant to do so at first, so a bit of assistance won’t go amiss but gradually I want you and Aziraphale to let her take more of a lead with things that involve her.”

“Will do.” Crowley said.

“One final thing,” the therapist said, looking at her notes, “I’m not a physician, but I noticed that Alice seems to be a under a healthy weight for someone of her age, disregarding the baby weight, and while it isn’t overtly obvious, I suspect there may be some old injuries that didn’t heal properly. I’d like you or Aziraphale to get her an appointment with a primary care physician. I can give you a note so the bill will-”

“We can put Alice on our insurance.” Crowley interrupted, helpfully leaving out the fact that neither she nor Azirpahale actually had insurance or…anything legal really. Usually they just miracled the paperwork they needed or just used a miracle to avoid even needing the paperwork. But considering they had a human charge now who needed to be taken care of, and if she and Aziraphale wanted their plan to work, they would likely need some kind of official paperwork or insurance. Oh well, can of worms for another day.

The therapist adjusted her glasses. “Alright, just as long as she sees some kind of doctor for her physical ailments, though if my suspicions are correct, she likely won’t be able to get confirmation until after the baby is born and she can get proper care without worrying about hurting the baby.”

Crowley nodded and thanked the therapist before leaving the office, finding Alice still in the waiting room, twisting her thumb and worrying at her knuckle. Crowley took a closer look at the girl’s hand now that she had the idea of her physical health on her mind and when she got a better look, she noticed small scratches lining her hands, not large enough to break the skin but still less than ideal. It was worrying but she wasn’t going to bring it up until they were back home and Alice was feeling a little calmer.

“Ready to head out?” Crowley asked, breaking Alice from her thoughts. Alice jolted a little before nodding silently and saying a quiet word of thanks to the therapist. The two headed back out into the hallway and pressed the button for the elevator, waiting for the arrow to light up and the doors to open. Crowley glanced at Alice and noticed the all too familiar look of shame on the girl’s face. It pained her so much to think that Alice felt ashamed just for asking for help and doing something that pretty much nine out of ten people did. Well the therapist did ask for reinforcement, bugger whoever saw. She held out her arms to Alice, who gratefully accepted the embrace, relaxing slightly as Crowley gave her a gentle squeeze. “I’m really proud of you, kid. That probably wasn’t easy.”

Crowley could feel a gentle push against her arms that quickly rightened itself again, likely Alice’s shoulders as she shrugged. “It was nothing really.”

“Hey it was more than nothing,” Crowley assured, “it takes a lot of courage to admit that you need help. Even though it’s a good thing, it’s not an easy thing to do and I’m so proud that you took that step.”

“I had a lot of help deciding.” Alice murmured, pulling away as the elevator door slipped open. Crowley shrugged as the two stepped inside and Alice pushed the button for the lobby.

“That may be, but there’s also no shame in that. Whether it’s by yourself or in company, getting help is something to be admired.”

Alice thought for a few moments before she muttered a quiet, “Thanks, Crowley.”

Crowley put her arm around the girl for a quick sideways embrace which Alice leaned into, setting her head against Crowley’s arm (since she was a bit too short to reach her shoulder). “You’re welcome, kid. I’m here for you.”

* * * * *

Alice had was sitting on her bed in her pajamas, the lamp still on. The girl was staring at her hands as if in confusion or perhaps overthinking, her mind had gone haywire so the rest of her was forced to stay still.

They’d all agreed to call it a night a little under ten minutes ago and Aziraphale was simply heading across the hall to the bathroom to clean his teeth when he noticed Alice through her slightly ajar door. He took a quick peek at her aura and found nothing but uncertainty, self doubt, and the kind of tired confusion that only comes from running around in circles in one’s own mind. The angel recalled what the girl had revealed to them at breakfast on Tuesday, about how she was questioning where to take her faith and how she had no idea what to do, since every option that came into her mind felt wrong. Aziraphale had waited for her to come to him to start their discussions, because he didn’t want her to feel that he was taking control from her, but seeing her this distressed…he just had to do something.

“Alice?” He asked gently, knocking on the door. “May I come in?”

The girl’s head snapped up and she looked at the door. She took a moment to gather herself before murmuring, “Sure.”

The angel entered her room, closing the door a little behind him and sat down next to her on the soft bed.

“You seem troubled, dearest.” Aziraphale said.

“I’m fine.” Alice lied. Aziraphale offered no words in response, but instead set a hand on her shoulder and gave her a gentle smile when she raised her eyes to look at him. She let out a heavy sigh. “No. No I’m not.” She admitted.

Aziraphale took her hand and gave it a little squeeze. “Penny for your thoughts?” He asked.

Alice answered with a weak chuckle. “I don’t think a penny is gonna cover it.” She half joked before sighing again. “Remember what we talked about a few days ago? How I’m having trouble keeping my faith?” A tremble worked its way through her hand and wrist. Aziraphale nodded. “Well, last night and the night before, I tried praying. It felt a little strange to do it without properly repenting…” she sighed, thinking back to the discussion she and Aziraphale had about whipping herself, “…without using a whip or a belt, but I though it would be easy enough and…” She sighed, biting her lip and scrunching her eyes closed.

“Alice?”

“I can’t do it!” Alice cried. “I tried and tried but it just feels like there’s a sheet of glass between God and me. It doesn’t feel like I’m getting through or like She’s listening. I feel like I’ve been cut off and I’m just talking to the air!” A sob shook her body and Aziraphale pulled her close. A few weeks ago, he would have worried that he was overstepping some kind of boundary and Alice would have worried that she was inconveniencing him, but now both had come to a silent awareness that Aziraphale would always be willing to give Alice as many hugs as she needed if she was willing to accept, which she always was. The girl settled into the embrace, shaking like a leaf and burying her tear stained face into Aziraphale’s shoulder as he rubbed her back, whispering soothing reassurances.

“It’s alright, my darling. It’s alright.” He crooned. “I’ve got you, just let it out.”

“I keep trying and it never feels right.” Alice sobbed. “I just feel so lost and confused. I was told always to turn to God whenever I’m in need but I feel like I can’t reach Her or She’s not listening. Every time I try to pray, there’s this horrible tightness in my chest and everything feels heavy and numb.” A few more sobs bloomed from her chest as Aziraphale did his best to comfort her. For about ten minutes, they simply sat there, not saying anything until Alice’s sobs began to die down and her breathing began to steady again.

Aziraphale quietly snapped his fingers, a water bottle appearing on the bedside table.

“Well, my offer still stands.” He said as he reached for the bottle and gave it Alice. “I’m more than glad to help if you’d like. If not, that’s perfectly alright too, I’ll just offer support.”

Alice unscrewed the cap, taking a few sips and wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “How…how would you help?” Alice asked, her voice just as small and confused as it had been before.

Aziraphale reached into the pocket of his pajamas and pulled out a handkerchief, handing it to her. “Well, prayer is essentially conversation with the Almighty, but it doesn’t land if it feels like the other person in the conversation isn’t listening. Perhaps all you have is a bad connection.” Alice chuckled a little as she brought the handkerchief to her eyes, dabbing at the tears.

“That was really bad.” She said with a little smile.

“Excuse you, I pride myself on my awful jokes.” Aziraphale joked back. He took a breath and said, “Maybe you just need someone to talk it out with.” He folded his hands and set them in his lap, looking at Alice with what he hoped would be taken as a willingness to listen. Alice folded her hands as well, placing them on the crown of her swollen belly, and then was silent for a long time.

“I…don’t know where to start.” She muttered.

“Well, perhaps start with what you’re glad for.” Aziraphale suggested.

Alice took a breath and said, “Well, I’m grateful for you and Crowley. That you two are so willing to help me through everything. I’m grateful that Crowley took me to therapy this afternoon. And that you’re here, comforting me. Well, I’m glad that you both always comfort me, no matter how silly the problem is.” Aziraphale put a hand on her shoulder and did his best to say that her problems weren’t silly without being verbal, wanting Alice to feel like she was the one driving this. “I’m grateful that I have friends like Anathema and Newt and that they’re willing to talk to me if I need it. I’m grateful for all the wonderful books that you’ve let me borrow and I’m glad that I can bake whenever I’d like. I’m grateful for the freedom you and Crowley let me have, that I have shelter, a warm bed, clothes on my back, food, and safety.” She paused for a moment, her hands subconsciously unfolding and rubbing a little circle into her bump. “I’m grateful that God gave me this little one. I’m not sure why She did, but I’m glad She did.”

Aziraphale gave the girl a smile. “Now, list what you’re sorry for.”This would be difficult, but he felt it was necessary for Alice to understand doing wrong didn’t mean you had to punish yourself instead of simply working to improve, and in order to do that, a precedent needed to be set.

“Well…” Alice swallowed. Aziraphale reached out to the girl and she set her hand hand in his. “…I’m sorry for being a glutton.”

A pain came through Aziraphale and he visibly cringed. “I’m sorry my dear but I simply must say this. Eating a healthy amount is not the same as being a glutton. In fact, I’d say your the furthest member of this household from being such.” Lord knew he certainly was one. “As a matter of speaking, you’re rather underweight for a girl your age. God doesn’t object when people practice moderation but not at the cost of their own health.”

“Oh…I’m sorry.” Alice murmured, worrying at a lock of hair.

Aziraphale squeezed her hand. “No apology necessary my dear. I just don’t want you getting the wrong idea about yourself.”

“Okay…well, I’m sorry for all the lies I told you and Crowley. How I told you I was kicked out instead of running away, how I didn’t tell you I was meeting with Anathema a few weeks ago, how I…” she took a breath and let it out slowly, “how I lied to you that I’d been punishing myself while living here. I’m sorry for stealing Crowley’s belt. I’m sorry for being wrathful.”

“Wrathful?” Aziraphale asked.

Alice nodded. “Sometimes when I think about the things my father did to me or to my siblings or to Sarah or anyone really, I just get so angry that I want to scream or throw something at the wall. I’m able to keep it inside, because I know I’d get in trouble for breaking something or for being too loud, but the act of feeling wrathful is a sin in it of itself.”

“First of all,” Aziraphale said, “we would never get angry at you for making too much noise, and if you did break something and it wasn’t an accident, we would be a bit upset, but we would want to know why you broke it, and if that reason was because you were angry, we would want to know why. Second of all, feeling angry isn’t a sin. It’s a normal, human emotion that demands to be felt and dealing with it in an unhealthy way can cause problems. If you were feeling angry about something your father did to you, we would want you to talk about it with us or with your therapist.”

Alice looked at her interlocked hands. “I’m supposed to avoid the human sins, they only tarnish the spirit.” She parroted.

“God created humans to be human, did She not? Flawed. She doesn’t expect you to be perfect, She merely expects you to try.” Alice gave the angel a weak smile, which he gladly returned. “Alright, now what do you wish of God?” He asked. Alice looked confused.

“We’re not supposed to ask of anything from God. She’s busy enough without worrying about our silly needs.” She said.

“Again, She didn’t create people to be miserable, and if you’re supposed to trust in God for whatever you need, why not cut out the middle man and simply ask? After all, Christ himself said ‘ask and ye shall receive’. “

Alice thought for a moment and said, “Well, on our last phone call, Anathema mentioned that Finn has been having some trouble sleeping through the night, so I hope that he’ll be able to. And I hope God blesses Newt and Anathema. And you and Crowley as well.” Aziraphale gave her another warm smile. “And I hope I find a family to adopt the baby that will let me see them after they’re born,” there was something hidden under the request. Something that sounded almost like sorrow or fear when she mentioned letting someone else adopt the baby, and as she said it, her hands moved from her lap to her bump, gently cradling the swollen flesh like something precious. “Most of all, I hope that when they’re born, that they’re born healthy.” She once again set her hands in her lap and looked at Aziraphale, a shy smile on her face.

“I don’t think God would object at all to answering those prayers.” He said, giving her another smile.

“Is there anything else we should do?” She asked.

“Is there anything else you’d like to do? A specific prayer that you say?”

“Well, at home we would usually say decades of the rosary every morning and every evening, but to me that always seemed rather…tedious.” She went a bit pale and her arms trembled as she said it. Aziraphale gently patted her shoulder.

“I agree. They can get so long. I don’t object to saying one once per day but saying multiple at once, goodness I certainly admire people who have the patience for that.” Aziraphale said.

Alice bit her lip. “Are there any prayers that you’re particular to?” She asked shyly.

“Oh there are quite some lovely ones out there, it’s quite difficult to choose sometimes.”

“I…rather like the Serenity Prayer.” Alice said, her voice quiet.

“I think that’s a wonderful choice.” Aziraphale said before clearing his throat.“ _Lord may I have the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen._ ”

“Amen.” Alice repeated, breathing out a heavy sigh. There was a look of ease on her face and relief in her eyes. “Thank you.” She murmured. “I really appreciate you helping me like this.”

“Of course, dear one. I’m glad to be of help, and Crowley and I will always be here for you, no matter what. Now, you need to rest.” Alice nodded before the look in her eyes came back, the shy glimmer that came when she wanted to ask for something but was too shy to do so. Aziraphale got the feeling he knew what she wanted. Silently, he held out his arms and she gladly accepted the embrace. “Goodnight, dear.” He said, kissing her forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a personal note, but Alice and I have the same issue when it comes to faith. Since senior year of high school about 4 years ago, I've had a hard time making a connection to God. I do believe in Their existence, but it's the actual connecting to them that I find hard. I think that's part of the reason why I wrote this story, for one thing, I adored the idea of Crowley and Aziraphale being doting parents, but also in giving Alice comfort about her doubts with her faith, I'm giving myself a bit of comfort too. (Also, fun fact, The Serenity Prayer is one of my favorites. I went to a catholic school and when I was in choir, we would always start our practices with one of us leading everyone else in prayer. I started saying The Serenity Prayer whenever it was my turn and some of the other girls in the class started adopting it too. The last time I went to my school for a visit after graduating, I sat in on one of the choir practices and it turns out they're still saying it and that made me happy)  
> Okay, sorry to dump on you like that. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Alice is finally getting the help she needs and the ineffables are here with lots of love and hugs to help her through. Kudos and comments are always appreciated. Thank you all so much for reading and have a very lovely day.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real violence or anything in this chapter, just mentions of abusive parents

Alice’s first few meetings with the therapist had gone well and she had agreed to start seeing her regularly. She had been also accepting religious counsel from Aziraphale nightly and was beginning to get a bit more comfortable with where she stood faith wise. However, Aziraphale could easily see that there was something on her mind.

One afternoon, Alice was sitting in the bookshop on one of the window seats, a book open on her lap, but her attention turned out the window, watching as the sunlight danced along the buildings and at the people passing by, rubbing a hand along her tummy. Aziraphale walked down to the main area of the shop, two mugs of coca in his hands.

“Alice?” Aziraphale asked. “Are you alright, dearest?”

“Hmm?” Alice muttered, coming out of her thoughts. “Oh, yeah I’m fine. Just thinking.” She scooted over a bit, inviting Aziraphale to sit down next to her as he passed her a warm mug.

“About what?”

Alice sighed, biting her lip as she ran her thumb along the warm surface of the mug. “Well, the first thing is a bit more complicated than the second.” She sighed. “Ezra and Maya sent Anathema an email to pass along to me yesterday.”

Oh dear. What did those two want?

“What did it say?” Aziraphale asked.

Alice sighed as she set her mug of coca on a little end table near the window seat. “Just the usual, that they were awaiting my decision. They said it was up to me but they also used some wording like 'It's a shame we haven't heard from you in so long' and it made me feel so bad.” Alice said dismally, rubbing her hand over her bump. "It's silly, it shouldn't bother me as much as it does but..." She sighed.

"Please don't do that." Azirpahale said gently, a pain in his voice. "Don't try to downplay your pain or say that it isn't important. You're suffering, I can see that you're suffering, and it's not a bad thing that I can see it." He pulled her into an embrace. "If I can see it, that means I can help you through it and give you as much love as you need."

"They said they wanted an answer by the first of May." Alice said numbly.

"Did they say what they would do if they didn't get one?" Aziraphale asked, stroking Alice's hair. He'd observed that doing this calmed her down more than rubbing her back, so whenever he hugged her, he decided to take that approach going forward. 

"I think they're counting on me agreeing now that they've given me a deadline. I don't want to give the baby to them if I don't get to see it, but I just...she sighed again.

"It'll be alright, my dear. We'll figure something out."

Alice sighed sadly, nuzzling into Azirpahale’s shoulder and hoping that he and Crowley would be able to make good on that promise, but she didn’t want to get her hopes up.

“What was the other thing you wanted to talk about?” The angel asked as he gently pulled away.

Alice picked up her mug and took another sip, letting the sweet chocolatey taste cheer her a bit before speaking. “That ones a bit simpler. I’m really grateful with how you’ve been helping me, talking about my spiritual doubts and helping me pray every night. And…I’m starting to feel something. A connection to God that wasn’t there even when I was living with my parents. It’s less of a desire to obey and submit and worship, but more like a desire for conversation, for friendship.” There was a weak smile on her face but something else in her eyes.

“That sounds rather nice, my dear.” Aziraphale said, sipping his cocoa. “Is there something wrong?”

Alice shivered, teetering halfway between wanting to talk or keep it secret. Finally, after a few moments of silence, she sighed and said, “It kinda scares me a little bit. I’ve been told my whole life that God is a being to be feared, now this feeling of friendship rather than submission, it’s new and it’s terrifying.”

She sighed, clutching her mug. Aziraphale gently patted her shoulder.

“I know, my dear.” He said. “Diving headfirst into something new is terrifying. That’s how I felt shortly after cutting ties. But you learn to to keep going even though it’s frightening. And you eventually learn how to manage until it doesn’t seem so frightening anymore.” He gave her shoulder a little squeeze. “And you always have me and Crowley if you need someone to talk to.”

Alice gave him a timid smile as she leaned her head on his shoulder. Aziraphale found that she had been seeking more physical affection from the two; hugs, pats on the shoulder, taking her hand. It made him so happy to know that she felt safe enough to seek affection from them, especially considering she’d been so starved of love and care in the past.

“It’s Easter in three weeks.” Alice observed.

“Hmm, so it is.” Aziraphale answered, though in truth he hadn’t been keeping track.

“Do you…do you think you and I…could go to church?” She asked timidly.

At first, Aziraphale was caught a little off guard. She wanted to go to church? But seeing the earnest expression on her face, hearing how much she still wanted to have faith in something even when she had faced such cruelty made a bit of pride rise in him. She was so strong. If only she could see it.

“Of course my dear. I’m glad you asked me.” He praised (he knew she had a hard time asking for things). “We can even have a lovely Easter dinner in the evening, I’m sure you and Crowley and I can make something absolutely scrumptious.”

“My aunt taught me how to make hot cross buns.” Alice offered.

“And I’m sure we have a recipe for ham in one of our cookbooks.” Aziraphale said.

Alice smiled, hugging Aziraphale again. “Thank you.” She said.

The angel gentle kissed the top of her head. “Of course, my dear.”

* * * * *

“Bloody hell!” Crowley grumbled, running their fingers through their hair. “Why the fuck did humans have to make paperwork so bloody confusing?” They had to make sure to keep their voice down, Alice was just in the other room taking a nap. Not only did they not want to wake her, but they also wanted to keep what they were doing under wraps until the time was right.

“That wasn’t you?” Aziraphale only half joked as he set down a mug of tea next to Crowley.

“We may have given them a bit of inspiration, but they came up with the mess all by themselves. Beelzebub thought it was such a great idea and a new intriguing way to cause misery so they adopted it and now everyone in hell has to fill out those stupid monthly reports.”

“I must confess heaven did the same thing.” Aziraphale said as he sat down at the table as well, sipping his cocoa. “Though rather than it being a punishment, it was meant to bring order, adopting a filing and reporting system rather than just delivering everything verbally and waiting for the scribe to get it all down. With the new system, we just fill out a preexisting form and hand everything over to our superior.”

Crowley smirked. “Spooky how similar the two can be.”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes, not exactly sure if he was fond of Crowley trying to make a joke out of how awful their former workplaces were.

He felt rather bad with all the lying they were forced to do, but the greater good did demand it. He and Crowley couldn’t exactly say that they were ageless beings that existed before time itself, no self respecting doctor or lawyer would take that seriously, and they had to falsify more than one signature to make the paperwork seem legitimate. 

“You doing alright, Angel?” Crowley asked, interrupting his thoughts.

“Hmm? Oh yes, fine dear. Just a little nervous.”

“About what?” Crowley asked, setting their pen down.

“Well, I know that we need to be false on these forms so that whoever has to process them will believe us to be human and whatnot, but I’m just not use to this much lying.”

Crowley almost snorted. “You didn’t object when you were sneaking around with me.”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes. “That’s because I wasn’t technically telling a lie. I was merely omitting parts of the truth.”

Crowley smirked. “Whatever you say.”

“But this is actually creating false information, and there is quite a bit at stake. If we’re found out, not only will we be in trouble, but Alice will too.”

Noticing their fiancé’s distress, Crowley reached out and gently took Aziraphale’s hand, stroking a thumb along his knuckles.

“If we do get caught, a quick snap of my fingers is all it’ll take to make everyone forget it ever happened.”

“But they could try and take Alice back to her family before that even happens. I don’t want to take that kind of chance with her safety.” Aziraphale said.

“Well, then you’re lucky that a demon is filling these forms out.” Crowley said, mischief in their tone.

Aziraphale raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean by that?” He asked.

“Weeeelll anyone who reads this paperwork, if they notice anything out of order, even if it’s just an ‘i’ that I forgot to dot, their mind will instantly be forced to forget about it and just say ‘Yep everything’s in order. Nothing wrong here.’ One of the beauties of being a demon and having the power to fool anyone.” The said with a sharp grin.

On any other occasion, Aziraphale would have rolled his eyes while calling his fiancé a wily serpent, but if he were being honest, he was quite relieved he didn’t have to worry about putting either Alice or Crowley in danger. But with the relief came a bit of doubt, a wonder if it was all too good to be true. It seemed a bit too easy, what if Crowley’s demonic penmanship or whatever it was didn’t work? Someone could get wise or-

“There we go. That should be all we need for now.” They said, once again interrupting Aziraphale’s anxious thoughts.

“Goodness, that’s quite a bit of paperwork for a simple doctor’s appointment.” Aziraphale said.

Crowley shrugged. “Humans like keeping track of things, when someone brings a kid in, they want to make sure it’s not actually a kidnap victim.”

Just like before, Crowley’s attempt at a joke made Aziraphale very uneasy. “If we’re speaking in both the technical and legal sense, Alice is.”

“Angel-“

“She isn’t here against her will and we are doing everything we can to keep her safe, but in the eyes of the law, we’re not her legal guardians and are keeping her from them. So in other words, in the eyes of the law, we've kidnapped Alice. If the law does get wise, things could get dangerous.”

“Well obviously, but that’s why-“

“I can leave if you want.” A small voice said. Aziraphale looked over his shoulder and saw Alice standing in the hallway leading to the bedrooms, her hands protectively cradling her bump and her face laced with concern. “I don’t want you two getting in trouble because of me.”

“Alice, we don’t want you to leave.” Aziraphale said gently.

“Well, if I do, then I’ll just be a runaway, not a kidnap victim.”

“But if you’re found, they’ll send you right back to your family.” Crowley said. Alice shivered at the thought. “And we don’t want that to happen. Whatever trouble we may be in doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is if you’re safe.”

Alice bit her lip. “I don’t want to put either of you in danger.” She whispered.

Crowley stood from their seat and strolled over to Alice, setting a hand on her shoulder. “Kid, we’ve been around since the beginning. We’ve witnessed floods, plagues, wars, fires, seen empires rise and fall, and everything in between. We kept secrets from both our bosses, told both heaven and hell themselves to piss off, and we’re both still here. A bit of legal trouble is nothing. It shouldn’t have to be your job to keep us safe. It’s our job to keep you safe. Yeah it’s risky, but the biggest danger is posed to you. At best, if Aziraphale and I are caught, we use a miracle and nobody is ever the wiser. At worst, we need to leave the country for a few decades, though I don’t think it’ll come to that. But if the law does get involved and you’re caught in the crosshairs, you could be taken away from us and sent back to your parents.” Alice shivered again, leaning into Crowley and throwing her arms around them, terrified that someone would either come for them or come for her. Crowley gave her a gentle squeeze, slowly rubbing her back. “I don’t mean to scare you, but it wouldn’t be fair to you if you were kept in the dark. Things can get risky, but if everything goes according to plan, today should go smoothly and you’ll still be safe with us at the end of the day. As of right now, it says you’re our foster kid, and we've got all the right paperwork, so the receptionist at the doctor’s office shouldn’t be too wise.”

Alice worried at a lock of hair. “You really don’t need to spend all this money on me. It’s not worth it.”

“First of all,” Aziraphale said, “That’s not true. Your health and well being is most certainly worth every cent. And second of all, this is necessary. We need to make sure you’re healthy. It’s our responsibility as your p-…guardians.” He caught himself before he said too much. “We want to make sure you’re well, both mentally and physically.”

“Speaking of which,” Crowley said glancing at their watch, “we should really get a move on. Your appointment is in thirty minutes.”

“Please promise you’ll drive the speed limit this time, Crowley.” Aziraphale said as he took his coat from the rack.

“Perish the thought, Angel. Driving recklessly with a pregnant woman in the backseat? What kind of monster do you take me for?”

Both Alice and Aziraphale exchanged a look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, Crowley actually does drive the speed limit.  
> Also, another quick note, user HolRose pointed out an inconsistency last chapter, since the UK actually gives a damn about if their citizens are healthy, there are actually no fees and such for hospital visits/doctor's appointments. There are especially resources for young women who are unwed mothers. This creates a bit of an inconsistency with what I've wrote vs. what reality is but it isn't a super big part of the plot so let's just sweep that under the rug.  
> Anyway, we got our first big snowfall today! It looks so pretty outside, I love the snow so much. I just wish I could be outside to enjoy it. I caught a bit of a stomach bug so I ain't going anywhere. Don't worry I'm taking it easy and not doing too much work. I'm only going to do just a bit of homework and then spend the rest of the day knitting. Or maybe I'll take a nap.  
> So everyone who wanted answers about what Ezra and Maya where doing with their time, they were being assholes.  
> Anyhoo I hoped you enjoyed that chapter, kudos and comments are always appreciated if you did. Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely day.
> 
> EDIT  
> A lot of people in the comments have informed me that the suing for custody threat that Ezra and Maya send to Alice isn’t legally sound at all since they have no grounds. I’m going to change it so they just keep harassing her about making a decision and making her anxious. Thank you for pointing out this plot hole so I can fix it
> 
> EDIT 2  
> Okay I've fixed it! :)


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: References to past abuse and discussions of abuse and violence, discussions of weight and eating disorders/toxic religious fasting, and depictions of anxiety.  
> Also a quick note. I am not a doctor, not a lawyer, and have never been pregnant/know anything about how doctors that specialize in pregnancy work. There is a lot of medical and a bit of legal talk in this chapter so if I get anything wrong, please tell me so I can go back and fix it. Thank you!

Crowley noticed Alice going pale in the backseat as they pulled into the little 24 hour clinic where they’d managed to get her appointment. They had to be sure to find somewhere reputable but not so big that they’d notice any discrepancies in their paperwork. Crowley was pretty proud of their achievements in fraud, but after their talk earlier, they couldn't help feeling a little nervous.

“You alright kid?” They asked, turning off the car.

Alice let out a breath as she unbuckled her seatbelt. “Fine.” She breathed. Crowley glanced over their shoulder, giving her a look. “Just get anxiety around doctors.” She admitted. There was something else. There was always something else. But Crowley figured they would let Alice tell them layer by layer rather than demand everything be excavated all at once, so they let it go, giving her a pat on the shoulder and doing their best to wordlessly tell her that they were proud she was honest with them.

The inside of the clinic wasn’t too fancy, but it wasn’t too sparse either. The walls were covered with thick, pastel blue wallpaper, there were a few pictures of nature scattered here and there that were most likely taken from stock photos, a few standard toys in case someone came in with a child, some out of date magazines, and a carpeted floor with a pattern that frankly made Crowley’s head hurt.

Crowley and Alice sat down in two of the chairs near the corner while Aziraphale made his way to the patient desk to confirm their appointment, coming back over to his fiancé and charge with a clipboard in his hand. The angel silently began filling out the form while Crowley began tapping away at their mobile, Alice had brought a book with her but it remained closed on her lap, her fingers fiddling with each other. A few times she paused to let her hands grab each other, digging her nails into the skin on the apex of her palm, just under her thumb.

It occurred to Aziraphale as he was filing out the form that in Alice’s four months staying with them, he’d never once asked her when her birthday was. When he glanced over to ask her, he saw the way her fidgets had turned to harm. As gently as he could, he took Alice’s hand in his, gently rubbing his thumb across it.

“It’s alright, my dear.” Aziraphale said softly. Crowley turned off their mobile and looked over at the two. “There’s nothing you need to be afraid of. It’ll be okay.”

Alice took a few deep breaths before giving Aziraphale’s hand a gentle squeeze. “Was there something you needed?” She asked quietly.

“Yes, as a matter of fact. When is your birthday?” Aziraphale asked.

“August 17, 2003.” Alice said, glancing at the form. Aziraphale angled it slightly so she could see what was left out and what needed to be filled in. “Blood type is O positive.” She murmured as Aziraphale wrote. “Tonsils removed at age 12. No allergies. No asthma. No medications.” Soon the form was filled out and Aziraphale set it back on the front desk before returning to his seat once again. As time passed, Alice only seemed to grow more and more nervous, when finally the doctor came through the door to the offices.

“Alice Montgomery?” He called.

The three stood up, Alice had gone quite pale as she led the way over to the doctor, who gave her a smile.

“Good to see you again Alice.” His smile changed when he looked at her enlarged stomach and when he looked at the two people standing behind her. It didn't fade, but something about it shifted. “Good to see you again. It's been about six months since you were last here with your mother. Where is she anyway? And who are these two?”

Alice tensed and Crowley put a protective hand on her shoulder. “We’re fostering Alice, since her parents weren’t suitable guardians. That’s all we’re going to say.” They said sternly. As if by magic, the doctor merely shrugged and the topic escaped his mind and he began looking at his clipboard as he led the family back to his office.

“Please wait here while I run and get Alice’s chart.” The doctor asked politely before walking right back out the door.

Crowley looked over at Alice, who was looking at the floor, her fist gripping at a lock of hair. She was biting her lip so hard that they thought for a moment she was going to draw blood and looked like she was going to faint.

“Alice?” They asked softly. “Is this the clinic you went to with your mum?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything.” Alice said quickly.

“Hey, it’s alright, I’m not mad. That’s not why I asked. I’m worried that being here might make you uncomfortable.”

Alice rapidly shook her head. “I’m fine I promise. I won’t make any trouble, I swear.”

“It’s okay, kid. It’s okay. You don’t gotta worry. We’re not mad. Just breathe, kid.” Crowley took a few deep breaths alongside Alice, gently rubbing her shoulder. “We’re not mad.” They repeated. “We just don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

Alice took another breath, gently rubbing her hand in a circle along her bump. “I think I’ll be okay.” She said, though her voice was a little wobbly.

“Okay. But if at any point you feel like that could change, just tap my wrist again and we’ll be out of here in a heartbeat.” Crowley said.

“You’re sure?” Alice asked.

“Absolutely.” Crowley answered as the doctor came in.

“So just here for a routine physical, yes?” The doctor asked, closing the door and pulling on a pair of rubber gloves.

“We’d also scheduled an ultrasound.” Aziraphale reminded. “Or do they not do those here?”

“No we do, I’m just not the one who does them.” The doctor said as he gestured for Alice to sit on the exam table. “So how have you been feeling, Alice?”

“Alright.” She murmured.

“Anything out of the ordinary?”

“Aside from usual symptoms of pregnancy, no.”

“Can you elaborate for me?” The doctor asked, writing something down on his clipboard. “Sometimes symptoms of pregnancy can also indicate something else if felt in excessive amounts.”

“Well,” Alice said, knitting her eyebrows, “fatigue, lightheadedness, nausea, shortness of breath, headaches, weakness, sore feet, and cold hands.”

Some of those definitely weren’t symptoms of pregnancy, but the doctor merely scribbled something onto his clipboard before looking back up at Alice. “Thanks for telling me.” He said as he took the low end of his stethoscope in hand. “Kindly lift the back of your shirt for me?”

Alice went pale. “Erm…do I need to?” She asked.

“Well it would make things a lot easier for me.” The doctor explained.

“Is…is it alright if you listen from the front instead?” Alice asked, her voice even quieter.

The doctor paused for a moment before saying, “I suppose, if it doesn’t make you too uncomfortable.”

Crowley knew for a fact that it would make her uncomfortable, but they also knew that she would be even more embarrassed by a stranger seeing the state of her back, which was something extremely personal. Rather the doctor see something he’s seen for most of his career than him see something he’s not supposed to.

Biting her lip, Alice lifted her shirt to her collar, exposing her belly and chest, going red in the face as the doctor listened to her heartbeat. It was a very tense minute and a half of silence and when the doctor told Alice she could lower her shirt again, she couldn’t do it fast enough.

The rest of the checkup was fairly normal and passed quickly, blood pressure, eyes, ears, nose, throat, all routine. From the neutral expression the doctor had on his face the entire time, Crowley wanted to think that everything was normal. But they also got the feeling the doctor was keeping something to himself.

While the doctor was checking joint function, Alice made a face several times. He would press two fingers against either shoulder, elbow, knee, and ankle and ask Alice to move them to the best of her ability and when doing so for her left wrist and shoulder, an expression that was halfway between a grimace and a wince rolled over her face. Crowley wasn’t sure if Aziraphale noticed, and if he didn’t, Crowley wasn’t sure they wanted to call attention to it.

It wasn’t too long before the doctor had finished and waved Aziraphale and Alice back out into the waiting room so he could speak with Crowley alone. They figured it was because they needed to discuss some not great stuff and he didn’t want to say it in front of Alice, but since leaving her alone in a place full of strangers would likely stress her out, the doctor had to settle for only talking to one guardian.

As soon as the girl and the angel were out the door, the doctor turned and looked at Crowley. “Pronouns?” The doctor asked.

“They, them.” Crowley answered flatly.

“I’ll get right to the point Mx. Crowley.” The doctor said.

“I know that something is going on. Alice came here last time with her mother, disappeared for months after the pregnancy test came back positive, and then showed up again months later with two people who aren’t her parents.”

Crowley rose to their feet. “If you think for a moment that I’m gonna let you-“

“Relax, Mx. Crowley. I’m not going to try and have Alice taken away. That isn’t the first time Mrs. Montgomery came here with one of her children without wanting her husband to know. Alice showed signs of abuse and mistreatment in addition to the signs of pregnancy the last time she was here, as did her siblings. I know exactly why she didn't want me to look at her back. She did the same thing the last time she was here, but her younger brother didn't. I saw the scars. I brought this up to Mrs. Montgomery and she begged me not to call the police, saying that her children’s lives would be in danger if I did. I’m sure you’re aware as well as I am about how influential the Montgomery family is in this area of London,” (Crowley wasn’t), “so it was likely that the report would be swept under the rug. As it seems, however, Alice is no longer with her parents and is with you and your fiancé. But if I were to make a report to the police, child protective services would be called and it’s likely that Alice would be sent back to her family, which neither of us wants.” Crowley gave a curt nod. “I’m glad you two are taking care of her and getting her the medical care she needs but would suggest getting your paperwork in order so you’ll have more of an ironclad claim to custody of her. ”

“We’ve been working on that for a few weeks.” Crowley informed.

“Excellent.” The doctor said, looking at his clipboard. “As for Alice's health, there are a few things that need to be brought to your attention. For one thing, a healthy weight for a girl of sixteen at her height is between 110 and 140 pounds. The last time Alice was in here, she weighed 95. A pregnant woman that underweight needs to gain at least 30 pounds. As of right now, Alice has gained only 15. The next time I see her, I’d like her to have gained 15 more to start with. The other main thing is that I noticed there were some old injuries in her joints that didn’t heal properly.” So the therapist was right. “Mainly in her shoulders and wrists. I suspect there may be more but finding them would require an x-ray and that would be dangerous for the baby. If you can, try and get Alice to let you know if there’s anything causing her any pain and keep it noted. If it gets too painful for her, bring her to an urgent care. I think with bracing and physical therapy we can get the joints back to partial mobility without pain.”

“Okay, anything else?” Crowley asked.

“Just one. Several of the symptoms she listed are also symptoms of iron deficiency, and when she was here with her mother, in addition to the pregnancy, her blood test also noted a lack of iron. She’s been taking prenatal vitamins?”

“Yes, every morning.” Crowley informed.

“That’s good, but I’d also like to add an iron and calcium supplement in addition to the vitamins, so she gets an extra boost of what she needs. If her iron levels are that low by the time she goes into labor, it could cause problems during birth and Alice could be at risk of internal injury and the baby could be born prematurely and they could be at risk of low weight or birth defects, which we want to avoid.”

“Absolutely.” Crowley agreed. “Anything else we need to know?”

“That’s all. Just keep an eye on her, make sure she’s eating enough, especially foods that are high in iron, protein, and calcium, and that she’s getting enough sleep. Also make sure she’s not putting too much strain on her body. Encourage her to rest as much as possible. She appears to be perhaps three months away from giving birth so she needs to rest.”

Crowley gave the doctor a curt nod before walking back out to the waiting room where Alice and Aziraphale were still waiting. Before he could relay what the doctor had told him, someone else called Alice’s name, a nurse in perhaps her early thirties, with dark skin and short hair.

It took a bit of effort for Alice to stand up and the three of them walked over to the woman standing at the door. There was a clipboard in her hands and her eyebrows knit together as Alice stepped through the doorway.

“I’m sorry, only one other person is allowed to be in the office with her. We don’t want too many people crowding when there such delicate work going on.”

Alice bit her lip, trembling a little. From the way she would often ask if they were going to make her leave, she likely had a bit of separation anxiety and the conversation the two of them had with her earlier about the possible trouble they could all be in if someone got wise to the lies on the paperwork probably made her a little nervous about being away from one or both of them for too long.

“Could…could you make an exception, please?” She asked shyly.

The nurse shook her head. “I’m sorry, hon. It’s for safety reasons.”

“Okay.” Alice said, though she looked a little nervous as she glanced between Aziraphale and Crowley. The demon knew as well as anyone that making decisions when you had anxiety was not the easiest thing to do, even with something that seemed easy, like deciding what you wanted for dinner. They could only guess that Alice was worried about making the “wrong” choice or upsetting someone.

“You can pick whoever you want kid. We won’t be upset or offended.” They said, Aziraphale nodding encouragingly. Alice let out a breath and looked at Crowley.

“W-would you mind?” She asked quietly.

Crowley gave her the warmest smile they could manage. “Not at all kid.” Aziraphale gave her a smile as well before he walked back to his seat, pulling out his book once again while the nurse led Crowley and Alice down the hallway. She was still trembling and her eyes darted around nervously as the nurse led them further down the hall to a different section of the building than they’d been before. By the time they reached the office, Alice’s trembling, while subtle, had begun to worsen. The office was a fairly small room with a large computer, a small instrument with a flat top connected to it by a wire. Next to the computer was a hospital bed, with the back raised just slightly above it being completely flat.

“Kindly lay down, Alice.” The nurse instructed softly while she turned on the computer. “The doctor will be in in a moment but before they get here, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

“Okay.” Alice answered as Crowley helped her into the bed and gently guided her to lay on her back.

“Before you came here, were you seeing a different OBGYN or gynecologist?” Alice shook her head. “So this is your first ultrasound?”

“…yeah.” Alice said, her voice small.

The nurse wrote something down on the clipboard. “When was your last pap smear?” The nurse asked.

“…I never had one…” Alice said, her voice even smaller.

The nurse looked up from her, giving her a gentle smile, “Hey, it’s okay, sweetie.” She said. “I know this is overwhelming, but you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m just asking so nothing is left out and we don’t overlook anything. “ She gave Alice another smile before looking back at her clipboard as the computer slowly booted up. “Okay, have you been feeling any abdominal pain or cramps?”

“No.” Alice said, her voice still quiet but not as much as it was before. “But sometimes my back really hurts after I’ve been sitting in an awkward position or standing for a really long time.” She informed.

The nurse chuckled. “That is annoying but it’s also normal.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Alice said, sheepishly. Crowley gave Alice a little lopsided grin.

“You’re okay, hon. You’re just being thorough.”

After a few more questions, the nurse put down the clipboard and started typing away on the computer before the doctor came in, a stout person that was perhaps a head taller than Aziraphale and of a similar build with curly dark brown hair. They walked over to the table, their hand extended. “You’re Alice?” They asked. Alice nodded shyly as she shook their hand. They gave her a warm smile before turning to Crowley.

“And you’re her foster parent?” They asked.

Crowley nodded, shaking the doctor’s hand before they moved to the other side of the bed and sat down at the computer while the nurse walked over to a little cabinet and got out a box of gloves, a roll of paper towels, and a little bottle of gel. The doctor looked at the clipboard before typing something into the computer.

“Alice, have you had an ultrasound before?” The doctor asked. Alice shook her head. “Well, it’s very simple. We just use this probe here,” they held up the handheld instrument with the flat head, “to send out high frequency sound waves to scan the inside of your body. The sound waves cause small vibrations, which rebound back to the probe and are translated to visual, which we can see on the screen. Similar to how bats use echolocation.” Alice gave a little nod, though Crowley could see her head was spinning. “It might feel a little strange, but you’ll feel absolutely no pain.” Alice gave another little nod, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “Alright, then, I’ll need you to lift your shirt, just enough to expose your belly.”

Alice took another breath and rolled up her shirt, swallowing nervously. Crowley set a hand on her shoulder and she looked over to them, clearly overwhelmed and perhaps even a little frightened. With a little encouraging smile, they took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

The doctor took the bottle of gel and flicked open the cap. “This might be a little cold.” They warned. Alice took another breath, which escaped in a quick puff as the doctor squeezed a small amount of gel onto the girl’s belly. Her arms began to quiver as they set the probe onto her belly and moved it slowly in a circle before saying, “There we are.” They flipped the screen around so Alice could see. “Took me a moment to find them.”

“Oh.” Alice breathed gently.

The picture on the screen was a little grainy, but they could still see everything clear as day. A small, infant-shaped blob was in the center of the screen. “There’s your baby.” The doctor said.

A small noise that sounded like a mix of a whir and a thump came from the machine, the baby’s heartbeat. On the screen, Crowley could see a skinny arm lifting, moving towards the tiny face.

“W-what are they doing? Are they alright?” Alice asked nervously.

“Yes they’re just fine. It looks like they’re sucking their thumb.” The doctor informed.

Sure enough, the small fist moved closer to the face until baby slowly took their thumb into their mouth, settling itself.

Crowley looked from the screen to Alice and noticed there were tears in her eyes, absolutely captivated by the sight of her child. She lifted her arm, gently touching the pads of her fingers to the screen. The infant shaped blob gave a quick jolt, moving its foot quickly upward.

“Oh!” Alice squeaked, reacting to the kick before smiling and laughing, the tears beginning to roll down her face. Crowley gave her hand another squeeze as her laughter filled the room. It was weak but it was bright and cheerful. She looked down at her belly and then back up to the screen, looking at her baby with nothing but absolute love and joy in her eyes.

The doctor looked to Crowley. “It looks like they’re a bit small for six months, but if Alice puts on a bit more weight and gets a bit more iron and calcium, they should grow to regular size. Aside from that, everything is going the way it should.”

Alice’s eyes were still fixed on the image of her baby and her smile had yet to cease. “My little one.” She whispered. “My beautiful little baby.”

“If you’d like, Alice, I can print out the image for you.” The doctor offered.

“Yes, please.” Alice said, brushing the tears from her cheeks.

As the doctor turned the screen back to face themself, Alice looked over at Crowley, whose right hand was still on her shoulder and whose left hand was still clutching hers. The demon gave her a smile.

“They’re absolutely gorgeous, kid.” Crowley said, giving her hand a squeeze.

The machine whirred as it printed the image while the nurse cleaned the gel from Alice’s stomach. The doctor gave them a few leaflets and some quick words of encouragement and advice and sent them on their way.

Aziraphale was still waiting for them in the lobby, his nose buried in his book, but as soon as the door opened, he put it away and stood up. “How’d it go?” He asked as Crowley went to the front desk to fill out whatever forms and pay the small fee.

“They’re a little underweight, but that can be fixed.” Alice said, the joy on her face slightly overshadowed by the anxiety around the mention of food. She knew that it wasn’t healthy to refuse to eat, but her father’s voice just wouldn’t shut up about how she needed to repent and show her piety. She’d spoken to her therapist about it and they were working at it slowly, but it frustrated Alice that she couldn’t do something literally every human being alive could do, and that it wasn’t just harmful to her but to her baby as well. Of course, as they always were, Crowley and Aziraphale were supportive and encouraging towards her. The flash of doubt and fear was brief, only there for a few moments before the joy returned, a smile brightening her face. “They’re so beautiful. I know it’s just a computer image of them but…I don’t even know how…” She felt herself getting slightly overwhelmed again.

“Do you have a photo?” Aziraphale asked. Alice nodded and reached into her pocket, pulling out the picture and handing it to Aziraphale. “Oh darling, they’re just precious.” He cooed as he looked at the picture of the baby before pulling Alice into a hug, kissing the top of her head.

“I can’t wait to meet them.” She said.

The mood was much lighter coming back from the clinic than it was going to it. Alice was happily chatting about how it was a little strange but so wonderful to get to see them and that she was glad that they were healthy. But while they were driving, something occurred to Crowley.

Once they’d pulled up in front of the bookshop and parked the Bentley, Crowley walked to Alice’s side.

“I noticed that the doctor didn’t tell you if you were having a boy or a girl.” They observed.

“Oh,” Alice said as Aziraphale unlocked the door and they all walked inside. “I didn’t ask.” She responded.

“Do you wanna know?” Crowley asked.

Alice bit her lip. “Isn’t gender just, well a human thing?” She asked nervously.

“Yeah, and they’ll be able to tell you if they feel like they match the body they were born with or not. But since they don’t have a fully formed personality or identity yet, and since most humans haven’t figured out how to identify each other without keeping gender and sex separate and not be assholes about it,”

“Language, dear.” Aziraphale scolded.

Crowley rolled their eyes as the three of them walked up to the flat. “Either way, if you wanna know, one of us could tell you.” They offered.

Alice looked between the two and said, “Okay. If you don’t mind.”

“Not at all, my dear.” Aziraphale said, before he glanced at Crowley. “I think it would be best if I did this part.” Crowley nodded in agreement. While they’d never use their demonic powers to harm anyone that didn’t deserve it (especially a baby), there was still a risk that any kind of demonic power might be harmful and that was a chance Crowley wasn’t willing to take. Aziraphale looked back to Alice. “You should probably sit down for this, my girl.” Aziraphale said. “After, all, we were told to encourage you to rest, weren’t we?”

Alice let out a little chuckle. “You two are going to be hovering around me every minute now, won’t you?” She teased.

“Not every minute.” Crowley teased back. “Just every other minute.”

Alice rolled her eyes, chuckling again as she slowly sat herself down onto the couch, letting out a heavy breath of relief as she did so.

“I’ll need to touch your stomach, is that alright my dear?” Aziraphale said sitting down next to her. Alice gave a quick nod, took a deep breath and closed her eyes, resting her head on the back of the sofa. “That’s it, just try to relax.” Aziraphale soothed as he put his hand on Alice’s belly.

At first there was nothing, but after a moment, a soft glow bloomed from under Aziraphale’s palm. Alice’s breathing stayed slow and steady, her stomach gently rising and falling, Aziraphale’s hand moving with it. The glow remained, a warmth coming to the air around the angel and just standing near him made Crowley feel soothed and easy. A peaceful smile came to Alice’s face as a look of centered focus came to Aziraphale’s. His eyes didn’t turn white, like they sometimes did when he performed a miracle, but they did become much clearer. Usually they were a stormy bluish gray, but now they were bright, stark blue. He hummed briefly and the look of concentration deepened. Then after a moment, the angel murmured, “Ah, there you are,” his face was neutral for a moment before a little smile came to his face. “Well aren’t you just a darling little thing.” He murmured absentmindedly before his eyes became their regular stormy color and he sat back, the glow disappeared from his hand.

Alice sat up, opening her eyes, a nervous anticipation on her face. “W-well?” She asked.

Aziraphale took her hands in his smiling. “It’s a girl.” He said.

At first, Alice’s face was neutral and Crowley wondered if she was disappointed. Something she said her first night with them crept back into their mind: “Girls aren’t really supposed to speak up…” She’d likely been taught the whole spiel of women being “seen and not heard” when she was growing up and Crowley wouldn’t be surprised if her father didn’t value his daughters as much as he did his sons. She was definitely trying to break herself of the toxic things her father had taught her, but that didn’t mean there weren’t still some there.

But after a moment, she looked up at Aziraphale. “A girl?” She repeated quietly.

“That’s right.” Aziraphale said, nodding. “You’re having a little girl.”

After a moment, a smile bloomed on her face. “I’m having a girl.” The smile grew a little bigger and a laugh burst from her. “I’m having a girl!” She squealed, throwing her arms around Aziraphale. With a bit of effort, she stood from the couch and ran over to Crowley, pulling them into a tight embrace as well.

“Congratulations, kid.” Crowley said, hugging her tightly.

When she pulled away, the smile was still bright on Alice’s face as she lowered her eyes to her bump, setting her hand over it, cradling it gently.

“My beautiful, little daughter.” She whispered.

For the first time since Crowley didn’t know when, she looked happy, really, genuinely happy. Crowley couldn’t help thinking that this was how she should always be. Happy, safe, and unafraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! So two really great things, it's currently snowing here and it looks so so pretty. I love just sitting at the window and watching the snow come down. Okay and the second really cool thing takes a bit of explaining. So about ten years ago, I went to this camp called MTC (Musical Theatre Camp) where we would learn different songs and dances and have theatre classes and such and at the end of four weeks we all put on a big performance and the final number was "We Go Together" from _Grease_. So fast forward to last night, my best friend [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy), who is my beta for _Godfathers_ , we're hanging out (and getting a little bit high...okay a lot) and we watch this youtube video that's a "Try not to sing" challenge with broadway songs and the last song is "We Go Together" and they just say "I had to sing this once." I say "Yeah, me too. For a musical theatre summer camp." and we just look at each other and it just clicks. WE WERE AT THE SAME CAMP AT THE SAME TIME AND WE KNEW EACH OTHER AND WE WERE FRIENDS!!! WE WOULD LIKE HANG OUT EVERY DAY AND EAT LUNCH TOGETHER AND EVERYTHING AND WE DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE BECAUSE I ONLY WENT TO THAT CAMP FOR ONE YEAR AND WE NEVER CROSSED PATHS AGAIN UNTIL COLLEGE AND OMG WE SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT!!! So yeah we just like couldn't handle it, we kept like screaming and saying things like "I remember the classroom where we ate lunch had a little poster on the wall of teddy bears dressed up as different characters from different broadway shows" and then they'd scream about how they remembered the same thing and holy crap.   
> So anyway, Alice is having a girl :)   
> I hope you enjoyed that chapter. If you did, kudos and comments are always very much appreciated. Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: References to past abuse and self hatred and deprecation

Anathema pulled up in front of the bookshop, where Alice, Crowley, and Aziraphale were waiting on the front step. While Crowley and Aziraphale were going to meet with Paul to look at another house, this one in South Downs, Anathema and Alice were going to look for a dress for Alice to wear on Easter. While Alice insisted that she had plenty to wear and didn’t want Aziraphale or Crowley to continue to spend money on her, both they and Anathema agreed that the witch’s hand-me-downs weren’t exactly appropriate for a Sunday morning service. Since Aziraphale knew nothing about women’s fashion and Crowley knew nothing about church appropriate fashion, Anathema had kindly stepped up tp help Alice find something (she knew nothing about church appropriate fashion either, and her taste in clothing wasn’t exactly modern but she still knew more than either of them and Alice seemed to trust her judgement).

“You’re certain you have enough?” Aziraphale asked for maybe the fifth time.

Alice tucked her hand into the pocket of her coat, where the wad of pound notes Aziraphale had given her was tucked away. “I think so.” She said.

“Alright, have Anathema call us if something happens.” He instructed.

“I will.” Alice answered.

“And remember to not push yourself too hard. If you need to take a break and rest-“

“Angel, stop fussing, she’ll be fine.” Crowley said with a little laugh before she turned back to Alice. “Have fun, kid.” She said.

Alice hugged them both, though there was a bit of a nervous twist to her brow.

“You sure you two will be okay?” She asked.

“Of course we will.” Crowley assured. “We’re gonna be just fine.”

“You’re certain that nothing is going to happen to you?” She asked, twisting a lock of hair between her index finger and thumb. It was clear that their discussion from the previous day was weighing on her. She may have been trying to downplay her anxiety to not worry or bother either of them, but as soon as they decided that she would go with Anathema and they would go to South Downs, a look of anxiety came to her face and she wasn’t sure if she was willing to separate from them.

“I promise we’re going to be okay. We’re not going to be taken away, we’re gonna come back in one piece. ‘Kay?” Alice nodded. “If anything does happen, we’ll call Anathema. We’ll be okay.”

Alice bit her lip. “We’ll be okay.” She repeated.

The demon took Alice’s hand and gave it a squeeze before sending her down the sidewalk to the small blue car waiting by the curb. Alice turned and gave them a little wave as she hopped into the passenger car before Anathema gave them a small wave herself and the two drove off.

Crowley glanced at her fiancé, noticing he was starting to fidget a bit. She chuckled warmly and kissed him on the cheek. “She’ll be fine, Angel. Anathema won’t let anything happen to her. She’s in good hands.”

“You’re right. I’m just nervous.”

“Yeah, I am too. But it’s good for her to do something without us. Work on being a bit more independent.”

“Also neither of us know anything about fashion, so it’s good for her to get an actually decent opinion.”

“Excuse you,” Crowley said, feigning offense, “you may not know anything about fashion, but you’re speaking for yourself there.”

Aziraphale looked Crowley up and down. “No offense, darling, but I don’t think Alice would want to wear anything from your wardrobe, especially not to church. It’s not her style.”

Crowley rolled her eyes. “No accounting for taste.”

Aziraphale chuckled as he got in the passenger seat of the Bentley. “You’re ridiculous.”

Crowley got in the driver’s seat and slammed her foot on the gas. Aziraphale rolled his eyes. No matter how much he would beg Crowley to drive the speed limit, it was a fool’s errand.

They made it to the house around 1:30, where Paul was waiting for them out front.

The outside of the cottage was absolutely picturesque. A lovely soft white color with a red shingled roof, vines of ivy creeping up the walls. The front yard was large and beautiful, perfect for summer picnics or crisp evenings spent drinking cocoa on the grass, looking at the night sky. The garden was a bit sparse, but a bit of intervention from Crowley would change that.

Paul led them inside, leading them into the large sitting room, where a brick fireplace was built into the furthest wall. There was a window seat built into the east wall, the window itself jutting out like a balcony. The wood floor was clean and shined, which made the whole room smell like springtime.

Off the sitting room was a dining room, a small light fixture hung from a chain in the ceiling, there were no bulbs in the fixture, but Aziraphale pictured a lovely dinner sitting around a mahogany table with the soft glow above them.

The kitchen was absolutely darling and there was another small room on the ground floor that Aziraphale pictured as a study or library. The back yard was just as beautiful as the front, with large green trees and a little stone pathway leading to a small pond, which was empty of everything but water, but again, Crowley would likely know what plants to put in to make it look a bit more lively, and perhaps Aziraphale would be able to talk her into finding some fish to put into it, perhaps some koi or goldfish. Near the house was a glass greenhouse, currently empty but Aziraphale could see the grin coming to Crowley’s face.

Once the three went upstairs, Paul spoke up.

“I’m not sure why you asked about this house.” He confessed. “It’s lovely, but it seems to be a bit large for just the two of you. What are you planning on using four bedrooms for?”

“Well, Paul…” Aziraphale said, considering his words before answering, “we’re thinking of adopting.”

A look of shock came over Paul’s face before he shook it off and continued the tour. The angel looked back at Crowley, taking her outstretched hand. It was clear they were both thinking the same thing. Paul may not have thought so but they were both in agreement.

It was perfect.

* * * * *

“So, any idea what kind of dress you’re looking for?” Anathema asked as Alice buckled her seatbelt.

“Not really.” She muttered. “I’ve never really gone shopping for anything aside from what my dad approved of, and that was mostly long skirts and either wrist length or elbow length sleeved shirts. Solid colors, white blouses. Khakis.”

Anathema rolled her eyes, wanting to set a really annoying curse on Alice’s dad, but kept herself quiet, eyeing up different dress shops along the long street. Most of the dresses in the shop windows showcased the latest trends in fashion and it didn’t seem like they were exactly Alice’s style. Not to mention Anathema doubted that trending boutiques had a wide arrange of maternity clothes. She shrugged and pulled onto the M25 in the direction of the nearest mall (yes everyone else in this country referred to them as shopping centres but Anathema stubbornly kept her American terminology, mostly just to push people’s buttons).

Alice kept her eyes trained on the outside as it sped by, the cars and passing buildings and trees rushing in a blur, but the cozy gray sky above them staying steady.

“So how was your appointment yesterday?” Anathema asked.

“It was good.” Alice said, glancing at the witch. She gave her a smile before turning back to looking out the window, her hand resting on her bump. “I found out what I’m having.” She offered.

“I thought you were having a baby.” Anathema joked.

“Har har.” Alice said, rolling her eyes. “I mean I found out that I was having a girl.” She clarified, a bit of a giddy lilt to her voice.

“Aw, Alice, that’s great. Congratulations.”

“Thank you. I can’t wait to…” her voice tapered out and the smile faded from her face.

“You alright, honey?” Anathema asked.

Alice looked pensively at her bump, where her daughter was resting comfortably, separated from her by only a few layers of clothing and skin. After a few moments, she looked back up at the witch. “Have you heard anything more from Ezra and Maya?” She asked nervously.

Anathema sighed. “No, not since they sent me that email.” She gripped the steering wheel. “I’m so sorry that they’re treating you like this. I always knew Maya was a bit stubborn when we were in school together, but I didn’t think she would be this rude or cruel.”

Alice sighed again, rubbing her bump. “I haven’t been able to find anyone else nearby that would be willing to adopt her. I’ve looked everywhere, online forums, flyers for support groups for unwed mothers, I’ve found no one.” She sighed. There was a long pause for a moment before Alice spoke up again. “Can you keep a secret?”

Anathema pulled onto an exit ramp, keeping her eyes on the road, but Alice could still tell she was listening. “Of course.”

“If I wasn’t a runaway, you know if I had my own place, a job, or even just a family to support me, I think I’d keep the baby.” She confessed.

“Really?” Anathema asked.

Alice nodded, letting out a heavy sigh. “I’ve always loved children and I love this baby. I want to do what’s best for her. But as of right now, the best thing for her is to give her to a family that can raise her properly.” She continued to rub her belly, gentle and reverent.

Anathema glanced at the girl, saddened by the expression on her face as she looked down at her bump. “You have a family.” Anathema said, turning her eyes back to the road.

“What was that?” Alice asked, looking from her bump to the witch.

“I said you have a family.” She repeated. “You have Crowley and Aziraphale. They love you and want to protect you. And you have me and Newt and Finn. We’re here for you if you need anything at all.”

Alice sighed. “I want to believe it. I really do.” She said, a pain in her voice. “But I wouldn’t want to burden them. Taking care of a baby is so much responsibility and it takes so much time. Just because I’m willing to do it doesn’t mean they are. And what’s more, they’ve said I’m welcome to stay as long as I want, but I think we’re all at an understanding that one day sooner or later, I’ll need to leave.” There was a quaver in her voice as she said it. “They’re just housing me until I’m back on my feet. As soon as I’m able, I’ll need to leave. I don’t want them to be burdened by me longer than they need to.”

“Alice-“

“I know what you’re going to say.” She interrupted. “They’ve both said it enough times for me to know exactly when it’s going to be said. 'I’m not a burden'. I want to believe that, I really do. But I do nothing to help contribute, aside from baking treats every now and then, I’m a complete emotional wreck which means they always have to calm me down, and they’re spending so much money on therapy and doctors and everything really. I know they can just use a miracle to make what they need, but that’s not the point. They didn’t ask for me to be a part of their lives and I don’t want to be in their lives longer than I need to be.” She sighed, trembling a little. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap like that. That was really rude of me.”

Anathema quietly turned into the mall parking lot and turned off the car, looking at Alice. There wasn’t any way to describe the look on her face. There was anger, there was sadness, there was compassion, there was something hidden under all of it that Alice couldn’t put to words. “Alice, did you ask for the baby to be a part of your life?”

“What?” Alice answered, utterly confused. “N-no. She was a surprise.”

“Do you consider her a burden?” Anathema followed.

Alice bit her lip as she looked down at her bump. “No.” She answered, her voice sharp and stern. “I love her and I want the best for her.”

“Don’t you think they feel the same way about you?” Anathema asked. Alice was silent. “Whoever made you believe that you’re a burden or that you’re not worth the trouble, well they’re dead wrong. You may be mature and independent for your age, but that doesn’t mean you should have to do everything alone. Nobody should, especially not kids and teenagers. Aziraphale and Crowley love you and they want to make sure you’re happy and safe.”

Alice crossed her arms over her chest, clinging to the at the elbows, shivering with her eyes squeezed shut. None of this made sense. Why was everyone lying to her? Why were they telling her she wasn’t a burden? She knew she was! She knew…she knew…

“Alice? Can I touch your shoulder please?” Anathema asked. Alice nodded, wanting comfort, even if she didn’t deserve it. Anathema’s hand wasn’t large or plump like Aziraphale’s or thin and delicate like Crowley’s, but there was still the warmth and affection in the touch as Anathema rubbed her shoulder. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you.”

“It’s okay. You didn’t.” She said quietly, still trembling.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Anathema gently rubbing Alice’s shoulder before the witch spoke up. “If you want, we can go back to Soho, do this another day.”

“No, no. It’s alright.” Alice said. “I’m still up for it, I just need a few minutes.”

“Okay,” Anathema said, still gently rubbing the girl’s shoulder. After a few deep breaths and a few minutes of heavy silence, Alice looked at Anathema and nodded. “If you need a break or if you want to just hold off on this for a while, just let me know, ‘kay?” Anathema asked, Alice nodding quietly in reply.

It was a blessing that the shopping centre wasn’t too busy that day, Alice was never very good with crowds, unless it was in church where everyone was quiet and respectful, so it was good that there wasn’t a crowd and that the noise level was manageable. They stopped in at a few stores that sold clothes but either ran into the problem that there wasn’t a wide selection of maternity clothes or the ones that they did sell either weren’t Alice’s style or were too casual for church.

After about an hour and a half of walking through different stores and finding nothing, they decided to take a moment and have a seat on a bench so Alice could rest a bit.

“Have you had lunch yet?” Anathema asked.

Alice nodded. “We ate a bit before you picked me up.”

Anathema thought for a minute. “Well, I don’t know about you, but I could go for a smoothie.” Alice gave her a shy smile and a nod as she reached for her pocket, pulling out a few pounds. “My treat.” Anathema added. Alice smiled again, a little uncomfortable with Anathema spending money on her, but she wasn’t eager to repeat their conversation from earlier, so she let it go. “What kind do you want?”

“Mango, please.”

“You gonna be okay on your own for a few minutes?”

Alice almost chuckled. “I’ll be fine.” She assured. Anathema smiled and walked off in the direction of a small kiosk while Alice took a few breaths, letting her sore feet ease, her tired body happy for the break.

“Is this seat taken?” An older voice said.

Standing not too far from the bench was an older woman, either late sixties or early seventies, with several bags over her arms.

“No, it isn’t.” Alice said, scooting over so the old woman could sit down.

“Thank you, dearie.” The old woman heaved a sigh of relief, setting her bags on the floor. She glanced at Alice, a little smile coming to her face as she looked at her rounded belly. “How far along are you?” She asked.

“Six months and one week.” Alice said, setting her hand on her bump.

“Oh, how lovely. Boy or girl?” The old woman asked.

“Girl.” Alice answered, a smile coming to her face.

“Oh congratulations. My daughter just had her first baby a year ago.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of a woman in perhaps her early thirties, holding a baby wearing a blue and white striped onesie.

“Aw, they look so sweet.” Alice said.

“Thank you, I’ll tell her you said so.” The old woman said with a smile, tucking the picture back into her purse. “You’d almost think he wasn’t her first baby with how well she does with him. A natural, she is. Takes after me.” The woman beamed with a joking pride. Alice giggled. “I’m glad things are finally going right with her. Turns out the baby’s father was a real piece of work. Walked out on her as soon as she found out she was pregnant.”

Alice put a hand on her bump. “Yeah…mine too.” She said.

“Well, I’m just glad that she felt safe enough to come to me with everything. Now she’s doing just fine, got a good job working for a newspaper, found a good partner, I’m so proud of her.” Alice smiled at the woman, who gave her a sweet smile back.

Anathema joined them, a red smoothie in one hand and a orangey-yellow smoothie in another, sitting down on the other side of Alice.

“Well, I’ll be on my way, I know how important spending time with your sister is. Have a nice day, dearie.” The old woman said, picking up her bags and starting on her way.

“You too.” Alice called after her.

“Who was that?” Anathema asked as she handed Alice her smoothie.

“I don’t know, I didn’t get her name.” Alice answered, taking a sip of her smoothie. “But she was nice.” She giggled a little. “She thought you were my sister.” She observed. Anathema rolled her eyes but both thought that the idea wasn’t too far off.

A thoughtful expression came over Alice’s face as she took another sip of her smoothie. “Anathema, I know I probably won’t be able to keep the baby, but if by some miracle I managed to find a decent enough job to find my own place and support myself and suddenly had the means to take care of a baby, would you…do you think you’d be her godmother?”

Anathema stopped mid sip and almost spat out her drink, looking at Alice. “You’re serious?” She asked.

Alice nodded. “This is just hypothetical, I know it’s not really going to happen, but sometimes I just let my mind wander and sometimes it wanders off into a little fantasy of mine. Where I’m able to keep the baby and have my own little flat and you and Newt and Finn and Aziraphale and Crowley come to visit and I don’t have to worry about my…” she took a breath, “…about my dad. We’re all safe and happy. And, well, in this fantasy of mine, you’re still my friend and you’ve agreed to be her godmother.” They were quiet for a moment. “I don’t want you to feel pressured or uncomfortable or anything. It’s just a thought and that’s all it’ll ever be. I just thought…well…maybe I shouldn’t have said anything…”

Anathema managed to get her thoughts in order before she set her half drunk smoothie on the bench next to her and put a hand on Alice’s shoulder. “Imagination or real life, I’m honored you’d even ask me.” She said gently, giving the girl a smile. “If circumstances were different, I’d be happy to be her godmother. After all, what are sisters for?”

Alice looked up at the witch before pulling her into a tight hug, which was happily returned.

“Ready to get back to searching?” Anathema asked as Alice pulled away.

“I think so.” Alice said, taking a final sip of her smoothie.

Soon enough, they found themselves walking into a little shop, tucked away from the rest of the mall. It wasn’t too busy and the assortment of clothes they sold looked cozy and modest while still being between casual and fancy. They even had a nice assortment of maternity clothes. The two young women perused around the selections, Anathema wouldn’t admit it but she found a few of the choices rather stylish and made a mental note to come back here if the need arose (she and Newt had been talking about if they wanted more kids in the future. As of right now, they were planning on holding off the conversation until Finn was a little older, three at the youngest but it never hurt to have options).

“What do you think of this one?” Alice said, holding up a dress. Anathema smiled.

“Cute. Think you might want to try it on?”

“I think I’ll find a few more options I like before trying anything on. Saves time.” Alice answered.

“Good thinking.”

When Alice had four options draped over her arm, Anathema asked the clerk if there was a changing room and the two were directed to a little hidden alcove near the back of the shop and Alice disappeared behind the curtain to try on her selections.

The first dress was a cute choice, white with deep blue flowers and a Peter Pan collar. The skirt went to just above Alice’s shins with an a-line skirt. Alice liked the silhouette and the color and pattern were lovely, but the feel of the fabric was just a bit too tight on her and she wasn’t really sure if she’d be able to wear it for over an hour without getting uncomfortable.

The second dress was lavender with smatterings of dark purple floral patterns raising up from the skirt. There was a pretty silk sash that sat like a halo above her bump, but there weren’t any sleeves. Alice had picked the dress because she wanted to try and get herself out of her comfort zone, but that was a bit too much for her.

The third dress was white with long lace sleeves and a flared skirt. All in all it was Alice’s style but something about it seemed a bit wrong. Maybe it was that it seemed too close to what her parents would want her to wear (they’d never let her wear lace unless it was for her wedding day, but still the white, the long sleeves, the flared skirt, it seemed a bit too close for comfort).

The fourth dress was perfect. It was a pretty sky blue color with bits of beaded accents around the neck and waist line, though around the waist the line of beads went a little thicker, crowning Alice’s bump in what looked like tiny little stars. The skirt gently flared from the waist seam, but not as fully as the other skirts did, just gently kissing the tops of her shins. The sleeves were little ruffles that just settled around Alice’s shoulders. She did a little spin when she saw herself in the mirror, the skirt delicately ruffling as she moved and the sleeves puffing out like little butterfly wings.

She gave herself a little smile in the mirror before stepping out from behind the curtain, where Anathema was waiting with something in her hands.

“I found these while you were changing and thought…oh Alice.” She said softly.

“What?” The girl asked nervously. “Is..Is there something wrong with it or…?”

“You look so pretty.” She said, smiling. Alice flushed at the praise, looking down at herself. “Oh, by the way, what do you think of these?” She held out a pair of gloves made of white lace, around the cuffs was a dark blue ribbon. Alice slipped them on and looked at herself in the mirror once again. “So what do you think of it?” Anathema asked.

Alice gave herself a thoughtful glance in the mirror. She looked older than she was, mature, elegant, and the dress wasn’t at all deterred by her baby face or abundance of freckles. In fact, she dared to say she looked…well, pretty.

“I think this is the one.” Alice said, smiling at her reflection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I know a lot of people get swept up in the "boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other" part of the holiday but if you have someone you love in any way, parent/step parent, sibling, cousin, aunt/uncle, best friend, anything, tell them how much you appreciate them.  
> So Crowley and Aziraphale are thinking of adopting, hmm? Wonder where this will lead. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. If you did, kudos and comments are always so very appreciated and make me very happy. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Use of derogatory words, reference to past child abuse and past abuse, panic attack, vomiting, and dissociation.

Anathema and Alice paid for the dress, and the girl could hardly contain her excitement as the clerk expertly folded it and wrapped it in light brown paper. As they walked out of the store and headed to the mall exit, Alice couldn’t stop smiling. She genuinely had felt pretty. She looked in the mirror and liked what she saw. And for the first time, she didn’t hear her father’s voice, yelling at her that she needed to stay humble and that a pious woman didn’t draw attention to herself with fine clothes. She just thought that she looked pretty and reveled in it. She was okay. She was happy.

The two continued to chat animatedly with each other as Anathema drove out from the mall parking lot and onto the highway. Alice had tried to get Anathema to try something on as well, you know if you’re going to go shopping with a friend (or sister) you might as well have fun with it, but Anathema said that it was already fun enough helping Alice make her choice. Either way, both Alice and Anathema were in a good mood by the time they left.

Alice couldn’t remember the last time she had enjoyed shopping for clothes like that. Whenever she went with her dad, he shamed her for gravitating towards something he deemed sinful, and her mother was too scared of what her father would do if either of them came home with something immoral so her sense of style was even more muted than her father’s. But this…felt nice. She and Anathema just walking around until they found something they were comfortable with. It felt really easy and natural. And for the first time in a long time, Alice didn’t feel nervous about it. She didn’t think that something awful was around the corner. She was happy and she didn’t question it.

When Anathema dropped Alice off in front of the bookshop, it was nearing three-thirty in the afternoon. Alice asked Anathema if she wanted to come in for tea, but Anathema said that she needed to get home. Newt had been watching Finn all day and would likely need a break. With a little giggle at the thought, Alice wished her friend a good afternoon and fished the spare key from her pocket. It was funny, she got the feeling that even if she didn’t have the spare, the doors would have been unlocked for her anyway. She knew it was impossible, but the building itself seemed to welcome her. She couldn’t put it into words, but it felt comforting, knowing that she had a place for now at least.

She unlocked the door and slipped inside. The bookshop was a bit strange when it was empty, she was so used to having Crowley or Aziraphale or both talking or laughing or hissing or humming and filling the air with some kind of sound. It wasn’t an unnerving kind of quiet, there was still the peaceful atmosphere that always surrounded the shop (well, peaceful for her at least, what she didn’t know was that anyone who entered the shop with the desire to buy one of the books would feel as if they’d just stepped into a haunted building).

A few smatterings of white caught the corner of Alice’s eye and she glanced down to find that the mail had been delivered. It took a bit of effort to bend down and pick them up, but she managed (in two or three months it would likely become impossible for her to reach the floor, she mused to herself) and her spine gave a loud crack that was halfway between satisfying and unnerving as she stood back up. Either way, she let out a relieved sigh as she straightened herself and began sifting through the envelopes as she made her way up to the flat. Mostly they were just bills but there was a rather lovely postcard from someone named Mrs. Shadwell. Alice flipped it over and chuckled at the image of two elderly people standing in front of a very picturesque waterfall. The woman had blonde hair and was wearing a green jacket while the man, balding with a patchy gray beard, looked like he was getting ready to slap whoever was taking the picture. Alice wasn’t sure who these people were but made a note to ask when Crowley and Aziraphale came back, they seemed like interesting people.

The last envelope in the stack nearly made her heart stop.

She read the return address nearly five times but the shock in her mind and the rapidly spreading anxiety made it hard to think.

With her hands trembling, she set the envelope on the table.

She should open it, she knew she should open it, but her hands wouldn’t stop trembling and she couldn’t get her body to move. She’d gone completely numb and was looking at herself like she was watching a play. She couldn’t move! Why couldn’t she move?!

All she could do was stare blankly at the envelope, trembling and sweating, hoping to God that Crowley and Aziraphale would get back soon.

* * * * *

“I think that went rather well, don’t you dearest?” Aziraphale asked as they pulled onto the driveway. Unfortunately, traffic was beginning to get heavier so it would take a bit longer for them to get home.

Crowley began grumbling at the look of the line of cars in front of them. “Yeah, it went well. Now if only we could actually get home and tell Alice about how nice it was.”

Aziraphale chuckled. Crowley would always grouse at this but Aziraphale found it rather humorous when she got road rage. Rather than screaming obscenities or…oh how did that saying go, flipping over a bird? Either way, rather than doing any of that, she would get incredibly wordy and sassy in a quite clever way, which Aziraphale found both entertaining and humorous.

“You know, Angel, people always say that there are so many lovely sights to see in England, spots where you can just sit and watch for hours.” She slammed the horn while staring at the perfectly immobile cars in front of them. “THIS ISN’T FUCKING ONE OF THEM!”

Aziraphale had to keep a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.

It took practically 45 minutes longer to get home than it usually did and Crowley was rather grumpy by the time they pulled in front of the bookshop. Aziraphale chuckled and kissed the demon on the cheek.

“Shut it,” Crowley said grumpily.

“I didn’t say anything at all, dearest.” Aziraphale said smoothly as he held the door open for Crowley.

“No but you just thought it very loudly.”

Aziraphale was about to retort, but as soon as he stepped through the door, a wave of unease slapped him in the face. There was terror and confusion in the air and it was utterly suffocating. It hadn’t been this bad for weeks.

“Alice?” The angel called tentatively. There was no answer, but he could sense her somewhere in the building.

He and Crowley quickly made their way up the stairs and into the flat, where they found Alice sitting at the kitchen table, staring at an envelope sitting in front of her, her face pale and blank.

“Alice?” Crowley said, flying into protection mode. “Kid, what’s wrong? What’s happened?”

Aziraphale picked up the envelope and flipped it over, his blood beginning to boil as he read the return address.

_Matthew Montgomery_

_8125, Peach blossom lane_

_Croydon, England_

His anger grew even more when he saw the name on the recipient line, above the address of the bookshop.

_Alice the whore_

Crowley, for her part, was doing her best to get Alice back down to earth. The girl’s face was blank, but there was so much fear in her eyes and she wouldn’t stop trembling.

“Alice, kid. It’s alright. We’re here. You’re not alone.”

Aziraphale reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief, handing it to Crowley, who gently took Alice’s hand and set the cloth in the girl’s palm, closing her fingers around the fabric. The pads of Alice’s fingers gently traced along the small soft square and she bit her lip, trembling.

“It’s okay, kid. You’re okay. Just listen to my voice. You’re okay.”

Alice blinked a few times, recognition coming to her face as she looked around, first to Crowley, then to Aziraphale, and finally on the envelope in the angel’s hands. Her trembling grew worse and she reached for Crowley, who pulled her into a tight hug.

“What happened?” Crowley asked.

“I got home f-from shopping with Anathema and saw the pile of mail and…I couldn’t bring myself to open it. I w-was too scared. I didn’t want to…be alone with it.”

Crowley tightened her embrace around the girl.

“It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Alice took a few breaths, steadying herself before looking over to Aziraphale, quietly holding out her hand. The angel gently placed the letter in her palm and picked the letter opener up from the counter, handing it to her as well as Crowley pulled up two chairs, one on either side of Alice, not hovering, but close enough to remind her that she had support.

Alice took another breath as she slipped the blade of the letter opener underneath the fold of the envelope, closing her eyes as she sliced it open. With trembling hands, she reached inside and pulled out a folded letter. She continued to tremble as she unfolded the paper, her eyes scanning the words written in neat, flowing handwriting.

There was silence for a few moments as Alice read, but when her eyes reached the middle of the page, her face went pale and she let out a noise that was a mix between a whimper, a squeak, and a sob, dropping the letter onto the table, her shivering worsening by the second.

“Alice? Kid what’s happened.” Crowley prompted.

Alice continued to tremble, clasping her hands over her mouth and shaking her head rapidly as tears began to fall from her eyes.

Aziraphale picked up the letter and began to read aloud.

“ _Alice,_

_I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s too late to save your soul, since you insist on living with those two degenerates, lying with them and letting them have their way with you._ ”

Crowley began seeing red, doing her best to keep herself calm to not frighten Alice further than she already was.

“ _However, even if it is too late for you, there is still hope for the child in your womb. You have chosen to live in sin. This is the reality you have to face. Yet I can’t allow you to corrupt your child in your sinful ways. Despite the fact that you have committed sins of lust and fornication, you are still my daughter, however much of a lost cause you may be. Since you are still under my custody and are still a child in the eyes of the law, that means that your child is under my custody as well and once it is born, I intend to raise it myself, properly. Should you try and resist, I won’t hesitate to bring the law down and have those two heathens you’re living with arrested for kidnapping. I expect an answer back by Easter and should I not hear from you, I will take matters into my own hands._

_The choice is yours, Alice, I can only pray you’ll make the right one._

_Father_.”

Alice’s face was pale as paper and her trembling was so bad it almost looked like she was having a seizure.

There was nothing either Crowley or Aziraphale could say to make this seem lighter than it really was. Any attempt to comfort Alice didn’t seem like it would get through. There were beads of sweat dripping down Alice’s face and she’d gone so pale she almost looked green.

“Alice?” Crowley asked.

“ _HRK_!” Alice gagged, tumbling out of her chair and grabbing the nearest bin, vomiting violently. It was worse than every instance of morning sickness she’d experienced, and she kept shivering through the whole thing.

Crowley jumped from her chair and stumbled to Alice’s side, pulling up her hair and rubbing her back, remaining silent, aside from the occasional, “It’s okay, I’m here.” Aziraphale quietly made his way to the kitchen and pulled a washcloth from where it was hanging on the towel rack, soaking it with cool water and walking back into the living room _._ His movements were automatic, cold and swift, as they often were when he was deep in thought. There was only one solution he could think of to this problem, he couldn’t think of anything different. They didn’t have a choice. They had to do it now.

Alice’s vomiting had yet to subside, it was violent and ruthless and she sobbed the entire time, trembling and clinging to the sides of the bin.

Crowley continued to gently rub her back and did her best to soothe Alice as she continued to shiver, sob, and vomit. Her stomach had emptied completely and she had begun to vomit bile into the bin, her stomach showing no signs of stopping. Aziraphale draped the soaked cloth on the back of Alice’s neck, soothing the heat and sweat. He glanced at Crowley, who removed her hand from Alice’s back only for it to be replaced by Aziraphale’s, a warm glow coming from under his palm. With a weak cry and a few hiccuped breaths, the vomiting subsided, though the tears were only growing worse by the moment.

“How could he do this?!” The girl sobbed. “He’s going to take her away. He’s going to take my baby!” Her sobbing grew worse, every breath shaking her entire body.

Crowley peeled the washcloth from the back of Alice’s neck as she sat up and held it out to her, the girl taking it and gently blotting at the heat in her forehead and cheeks and cleaning the tear tracks running down her face, though it was a pointless action since more just came seconds later.

“What am I going to do?” She cried, leaning against Crowley as the demon held her tight, rubbing a hand up and down her shoulder and arm. She knew she couldn’t say “It’s going to be alright” or “We’ll think of something,” because she knew it wouldn’t do anything to soothe her, all she could do was hold her as she sobbed.

Alice took a few breaths, doing her best to calm herself, but all she could do was even her breaths by a little, the tears wouldn’t stop.

“I need to call Anathema.” She announced.

“What on earth for?” Aziraphale asked.

“I’m going to ask her to contact Ezra and Maya. I’m going to let them adopt the baby.” She said, her voice grave.

“Alice, you don’t have to do that.” Aziraphale said.

“What choice do I have?” She almost shouted. “If I give her over to my father, he’s going to hurt her. And you and I both know that he’s not going to let up, he’ll be even crueler than he was to me, since she’ll be born out of wedlock. He’ll hurt her, he may even kill her! He’s going to raise her the same way he raised me and I refuse to let my child be raised with the same scars I have on my back!” Another sob shook her body. Aziraphale sat down next to them, gently stroking Alice’s hair. The girl thought for a few more seconds before a look of pained realization came to her face. “I’m never going to see her again.” She sobbed. “They’re going to take her and I’ll never get to see her until she’s fifteen. I’ll miss her entire childhood.” Shivers wracked her body as she clung to Crowley. “If I give her to my father, he’s going to hurt her, but if I give her to Ezra and Maya, I’ll never get to see her again. I don’t know what to do, either choice seems like the wrong choice and I just don’t know what to do, I-” her voice became lost in a sea of sobs and hiccups, utter hopelessness floating through her aura. “I can’t be selfish. This is the only way to keep her safe.” She looked down at her bump, rubbing it affectionately as more tears came to her eyes. With another sob, she leaned into Crowley again, burying her face in the demon’s chest again. Crowley held her tight, doing her best to comfort the sobbing girl, but there was little to be done.

The demon looked up at Aziraphale, there was a question in the angel’s eyes. He wasn’t going to start anything unless they were both on the same page. Silently, Crowley gave a single nod.

“Alice?” Aziraphale asked. “I have a very important question for you.” His voice was stern and still.

Alice lifted her face from Crowley’s chest and glanced at Aziraphale.

“O-okay.” She answered, her voice frail.

“If you had the resources, if you had the support and love of a family, if you felt you could give the baby a good life, would you keep her?”

“Yes.” Alice answered automatically, a fierceness coming to her voice.

“Think carefully about this. You know that-“

“I _have_ thought about this.” Alice said, sitting up a little. “I know raising a baby is one of the most difficult things to do, especially for a single mother. I know it takes a lot of time and compromise and responsibility, but I don’t care. If I had the resources, I would raise her myself.” She wiped her eyes. “I love her so much. I love her more than anything. But I can’t be selfish. I need to do what’s best for her.”

“But you would raise her if you could?” Aziraphale asked.

Alice looked him square in the face. “Absolutely.” She said.

Aziraphale gave the girl a single nod and looked at Crowley. “Would you kindly get the envelopes from on top of the dresser, dear?” Crowley nodded and stood. “And the box in the wardrobe, if you please.” Aziraphale called after her. Once the demon was out of the room, Aziraphale took Alice by the hand and helped her to her feet, gently walking her over to the table, sitting across from her. “Alice, we don’t want to pressure you into anything, but we also don’t want you to feel that you’ve run out of options. We’ve put a lot of thought into this and we know what we want, but if you want something different, then we’ll find another way.”

Alice was confused, but nodded her head silently as Crowley came back into the kitchen, two envelopes and a small box in her hands. She placed them in the center of the table before sitting down herself, at the head of the table in between Aziraphale and Alice. Aziraphale picked up the first, smaller than envelope, and handed it to Alice. Raising an eyebrow, the girl opened the envelope and pulled out a newspaper clipping.

“‘For sale,’” She read, “‘Cottage in South Downs.’ This is the one you were looking at today?” She asked. Aziraphale nodded as Alice looked back at the clipping and continued to read. “‘Four bedrooms, three bathrooms, kitchen, sitting room, dining room, study, large backyard with a greenhouse. Perfect for raising a family away from the bustle of the city.’” She looked back up at them, a puzzled look on her face. “I mean, it’s a beautiful house, but isn’t it a bit large? After all, if it’s just for the two of you-“

“What if it wasn’t just the two of us?” Crowley interrupted.

“I don’t understand.” Alice said quietly.

Crowley picked up the second envelope, this one much larger and stuffed to the brim with papers. Alice flicked open the top and tentatively reached her hand inside, pulling out several packets and she began silently flipping through them, gleaning what she could in both her quick pace and near panicked state. After a few moments, a light came on in her mind. “These are adoption papers.” She observed. Aziraphale nodded. “You…you want to adopt the baby?” She asked.

Aziraphale reached across the table and took Alice’s hand. “No, child.” He said gently. “We want to adopt you.”

Alice was silent for a very long time, looking from the papers in her hands to the angel and demon sitting across from her, utter confusion on her face. Well, no confusion wasn’t the right word. She very much understood what they were offering, but it was taking a few moments to process.

Something cold pricked at Aziraphale’s spine as he saw the expression on her face. Oh dear, what if they’d overstepped? Making her uncomfortable was the absolute last thing they wanted.

“Alice, if this isn’t what you want, you don’t have to-”

“You…you’d really do that? You’d…adopt me?” She asked.

Aziraphale gave Alice’s hand a little squeeze as Crowley settled a hand on the girls shoulder, warm and comforting.

“Of course we would Alice.” Aziraphale said.

More tears came to the girl’s eyes. “You’re…you’re certain? I don’t want you to be stuck with me…” She trailed, lowering her eyes.

“Alice, we know exactly what we’re doing.” Crowley said. “We’ve both talked it over, we both agree. This is something both of us want.” She moved her chair so she was sitting a little closer to Alice, setting her hand back on her shoulder. “And don’t ever say that we’d be stuck with you. We choose you, Alice. We love you.”

More tears came to Alice’s eyes and she set a hand over her mouth, trying to hold back the sob that was coming.

“We don’t want to pressure you. This is a big decision, so take as much time as you need-“

“Yes.” Alice interrupted. She looked between the two of them, a joyous smile spreading over her face. “Yes! I’ll let you adopt me!” She stood from her chair, throwing her arms around Crowley. Aziraphale stood from his own chair and moved next to Alice. She pulled away from Crowley and gave Aziraphale the biggest hug she could manage. Aziraphale held her tight, gently rubbing a hand up and down her back and kissing her forehead as Crowley wrapped her arms around the both of them, covering both her fiancé and her new daughter in protective warmth.

“Thank you.” Alice whispered, more tears coming to her eyes. “Thank you thank you.” She began trembling. “I don’t know…I can’t…”

“Ssh, it’s alright my darling girl.” Aziraphale soothed. “You’ve nothing to fear anymore.” The girl stayed nestled between them, the joy on her face not even showing a fraction of the joy she felt in her chest. She trembled as they held her, Aziraphale whispering soothing words to her. “My precious child, my dearest one, my beautiful daughter.”

Alice buried her face in Aziraphale’s shoulder before her body gave a small jolt. She pulled away, setting a hand on her stomach as the baby gave another kick. A joyous noise halfway between laughter and crying bubbled from Alice’s chest. “We have a home, little one.” She said. “We have a family.”

“Oh,” Aziraphale said, turning back to the table. “That reminds me.” He picked up the box and handed it to Alice, who noticed it was surprisingly light, though she could tell there was something thick in it. “We were going to save this for when the baby was born, but I finished knitting it early and now seemed like a good time.”

Alice opened the box and found something gray and knitted inside. She picked up the knitted creation and unfolded it, almost bursting into joyous tears once more when she saw it.

In her hands was a baby blanket. It was knitted from soft gray wool with a light green border. In the center of the blanket were three snakes, chasing each other and forming a circle. The first snake looked very much like Crowley when she was in her serpent form, black scales with a red belly and deep golden eyes. The second snake was white with a pale gold belly, with grayish-blue eyes. The belly of the third snake was a soft white, almost a cream color, the scales on its back a deep bottle green color, the same shade of green as Alice’s eyes.

The joy that she felt moments ago was so full and warm and bright, all it would take was one single drop more for her to overflow. That single drop came when she looked at those three knitted snakes, her little family. She couldn’t hold back anymore. Another joyous laughing sob worked it’s way through her as she held the blanket to her chest like it was the most precious thing in existence

She looked back up at Crowley and Aziraphale…at her parents, and was quickly embraced again, covered by their arms and surrounded by love and warmth and safety. She rested her head on Aziraphale’s shoulder again and tightened her grip on Crowley’s jacket, full to bursting. Even with all the other complicated feelings wrestling each other, one thought persisted.

_I have a family._

She held them tighter, vowing to never let them go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for those of you wondering, that was what Aziraphale had been planning. A lot of you called it and it took all my self restraint to not spoil it. Either way, they're going to put the paperwork in and apply to adopt Alice. She has a home.  
> So this week was really productive on my end. I finished the script for my senior project and now all that's left to do is to put it to the stage. Things are actually less busy than they usually are and I'm doing my best to take advantage of that without my anxiety asking what I'm forgetting.  
> Either way, I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Kudos and comments are always appreciated and fuel my writing. Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW Mentions of past abuse. That's all this time, enjoy the fluff :)

They stayed holding each other for a long time. Alice had never felt so safe and warmed and loved in her entire life. They wanted to adopt her. They wanted to call her their daughter. She was almost afraid to say anything or make too quick of a movement, worried that this was all a dream and doing anything too sudden would break it.

Streams of joyful tears continued to fall from her eyes as Aziraphale continued to stroke her hair and Crowley rubbed her back.

“Oh! I need to call Anathema.” Alice said once again, though this time the tone of her voice was much more joyful. “I need to tell her the news.”

“I think that’s a splendid idea.” Aziraphale said with a grin.

Crowley dug her phone out of her pocket and immediately switched to video chat, calling up Anathema and handing the phone to Alice with the two of them standing on either side of her.

Anathema picked up after the second ring.

“Crowley? What’s going on is everything-” She stopped when she saw the three of them huddled in the frame. “Guys, is everything alright?”

Alice was practically bouncing on the balls of her feet, doing her best to contain her excitement. “So, we’ve got something to tell you.” She said, her cheeks doing their best to keep her smile under control.

Anathema was quiet for a second, raising an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Well, Crowley and Aziraphale, they just told me…well that is to say they asked me…I mean, they’ve been planning this for a while and, well erm…” Her tendency to ramble a little didn’t cease even when she was happy. While Crowley found this rather endearing, she also wanted to eventually get her phone back, so she simply put a hand on Alice’s shoulder. The girl gave a slightly embarrassed flush, but her smile didn’t falter.

Crowley looked from Alice to the Anathema on the other side of the phone, still looking confused. “We’re adopting Alice.” Crowley said. “Officially.”

Anathema’s jaw dropped and she was quiet for a solid three seconds before the picture jolted, showing a quick swirl of the kitchen as Anathema likely threw her hands in the air or something similar. Through the speaker, loud sounds of celebration could be heard, along with some mild banter.

“I told you so! Pay up!”

“Ah ah, Newt. You said they’d adopt her before the baby got here, I said they’d adopt her before Easter. I win, so _you_ pay up.”

Alice glanced over her shoulder. “Do they always make bets like this?” She asked.

“Oh yeah.” Crowley said indignantly. “They made a bet on who would confess first, me or Azirpahale, Newt won that one, who would propose, Anathema won that one, when the actual proposal would happen, again, victory for Anathema. We’re pretty sure it’s not just us but they don’t talk about the other bets they make.”

Alice giggled while the discussion continued on. By the time it died down, Newt had joined Anathema on the screen, Finn in his arms. “That’s absolutely wonderful, Alice.” Anathema said, a wide smile on her face. “I’m so happy for you.”

“That’s not all.” Alice said proudly. “If the adoption gets approved, then I’m keeping the baby.”

“WOOHOOO!” Anathema cheered from the other side.

Crowley and Aziraphale exchanged a glance. “Well that’s not the reaction I was expecting.” Aziraphale murmured.

“Thank goodness! That means we can finally tell Ezra and Maya to screw off!” Anathema said, not bothering to censor her language around her infant.

Alice raised an eyebrow. “I thought they were your friends.”

“Are you kidding? They used to be my friends but after seeing how they treated you, they can kick rocks for all I care.” Alice flushed a little. “I didn’t realize during all that time apart they became so entitled. Either way, it doesn't matter if they used to be my friends, they sure as hell aren't anymore. Nobody treats my baby sister like that.”

Azirpahale and Crowley exchanged a glance again. “Sister?” Crowley asked.

Alice looked over her shoulder. “I’ll explain later.” She looked back to phone. “Also, if the paperwork goes through and the adoption is approved, d’you think you can set up another video call? I want to tell them to their faces that they’re not getting my baby.”

There was a boldness and almost a mischief that Aziraphale had never seen in Alice before. There was a bright, beautiful confidence coming from her and the smile on her face brought out the sweetest little twinkle in her eyes. Aziraphale beamed with pride for his child.

His daughter.

It would take him a while to get used to saying it, but he was glad to say it either way.

“Yeah of course, just let me know and I’ll shoot them another email.”A look of realization came to Anathema’s face as she looked back at the screen. “Alice, your fantasy came true.”

Alice’s face changed briefly to a look of disbelief before the smile bloomed again. “You’re right…it did.” She paused before saying, “Are you still okay with…because it’s okay if you’re not…”

“Alice I’d be absolutely honored. I’m thrilled you asked me.”

“Erm, what’s happened?” Crowley asked.

Alice flushed. “Sorry, I should have told you, but I just got so swept up in everything, well it all happened so fast and…” She took a breath, steadying herself before she could start stammering again. “While we were shopping I told Anathema about this little dream of mine, where I’m able to keep the baby and find a job or a way to be supported, and in that fantasy, I’ve asked her to be the godmother of the baby. But well, now it’s real and…” tears of joy came to her eyes again as she hugged Aziraphale and then Crowley. Anathema beamed on the other end.

“I’m so happy it came true, Alice.” Anathema said.

They spent a few more minutes talking about everything that had happened that afternoon (Anathema looked angry enough to rip a phone book in half when Alice mentioned the letter from her father) and checking in with everything on their end before bidding each other a good rest of the day and hanging up.

The rest of the afternoon was absolutely lovely. The three of them baked peanut butter brownies which made the flat smell absolutely amazing. While they were waiting for them to come out of the oven, Aziraphale suggested that they order takeout for supper, to celebrate. When Crowley replied, “As you wish,” and Aziraphale referred to her as “My dear Westley,” Alice gave them both a look of confusion.

“You’ve never seen _The Princess Bride_?” Crowley asked. Alice shook her head, almost shameful. “It’s okay kid, there’s nothing wrong with not having seen a movie. But it is a damn good movie. Even that fossil over there has seen it.” Crowley cocked her head towards Aziraphale

“This ‘fossil’ isn’t afraid to make you sleep on the couch tonight, madam.” Aziraphale answered back, though it was quite clear that he was joking. Alice giggled.

“Either way,” Crowley went on, “I know exactly what we’re doing tonight.”

Alice got the brownies out of the oven while Aziraphale ordered supper (they settled on Mediterranean because Alice informed them that she had a craving for a beef gyro with extra tzatziki) and Crowley went rooting through the DVD cabinet until she found _The Princess Bride_. Before long, the restaurant called them and let them know that the delivery person was waiting out front and Crowley headed downstairs to get their food, leaving Alice and Aziraphale in the kitchen, Aziraphale grabbing some plates from the cupboard while Alice began cutting the brownies into squares. The angel noticed that there was a peculiar lightness to her movements and an ease to her aura. She looked more relaxed than she had in some time. Yet there was still that tentativeness and a very small hint of anxiety, laced with a small but very potent bit of fear.

“Alice, darling. Are you alright?” Aziraphale asked.

The girl looked over at him before smiling and looking back down at the dish of brownies. “Yeah. I really am.” She sighed. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that.” She paused for a moment before she said, “I guess part of me still hasn’t figured out that it’s real. That this is actually happening. I have a family. I have two people who want to adopt me. I won’t ever have to go back to my father’s house again or worry about my safety or…” a few tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. Aziraphale pulled her into a sideways hug and kissed the top of her head and she nestled herself against him.

“You won’t ever have to worry about that again, my girl.” Aziraphale promised. “Not ever.”

He gave her shoulder a squeeze before pulling away and getting out a few glasses.

“There’s still a bit of me that’s afraid of it all though.” Alice confessed.

Aziraphale stopped, pausing his movements and setting the glass on the counter before turning back to look at Alice, fully. Her hands were worrying at themselves again and she was looking nervously at every point in the room except Aziraphale.

Alice’s therapist had told Crowley to be encouraging whenever Alice felt the need to be vulnerable and to make her feel safe and listened to. It was a rare occurrence that Alice did actually open up without prompting and Aziraphale wasn’t going to waste it.

He pulled out one chair for Alice from the island in the center of the kitchen and one for himself, taking her hand gently in his.

“So why do you think you’re afraid, my dear girl?” He asked softly.

“I don’t know.” Alice murmured. Aziraphale was quiet, giving her some time to think. “I think part of me is wondering if you two are pulling my leg. That I’ll wake up tomorrow and you’ll be waiting to say ‘surprise it was all a trick’. I know you’re not going to do that, but…” Aziraphale patted her hand, still staying quiet, not wanting to put words in her mouth or interrupt her. “I think the side of me that’s used to…being punished or beaten or starved because I did something wrong, the part of me that still thinks I’m a bad person, it still believes that you two want nothing to do with me. That one day you’ll realize that I’m too broken to be worth the trouble.” She looked back down at her hands.

“Is that everything?” Aziraphale asked, not wanting to step on her thoughts in any way. She nodded timidly and he lightly cupped her hands, giving them a gentle squeeze. “Thank you for telling me.” He said, keeping his voice gentle. “That mustn’t have been easy for you, but it was quite brave to do so.”

“‘M not brave.” Alice murmured. “I’m still scared of so much.”

“That’s why you’re brave, dearest. If talking things out didn’t scare you, it would just be as simple as asking what’s for dinner. But it does scare you, and that’s okay. You still did it. That’s something to be admired.” She raised her eyes a little and gave him a shy smile, which he happily returned before dropping her eyes again. “And we will continue to assure you that we will never leave you or abandon you. We will always choose you no matter what. And we will continue to assure you that you are not broken.” He gently tucked the side of his finger under her chin and raised her head so she was looking at him. “Not in the slightest. You just need a little help and a little love. Which we are happy to give, as much as you need.” She squeezed his hand back as the smile on her face came into view once more. “It’s okay to be afraid.” He assured. “We’ll be here to help ease those fears.” He pulled her into an embrace, gently stroking her hair. “That’s what parents are for after all.”

Alice sighed. It was halfway between relieved and thoughtful and there seemed to be a bit of nerves in it as well.

“Everything alright?” Aziraphale asked.

“Kinda.” Alice answered as Crowley came back up the stairs, a few bags in her arms. Sensing she’d just walked into something, she put them onto the counter and pulled up a chair of her own. “Well, I was wondering if you wanted me to call you two my mum and dad or my dad and dad or parent and dad.” A bit of a smirk came over her face as she listed all the possibilities.

“Well, that depends on you, kid.” Crowley said. “We’re happy to be called whatever.”

Alice nodded, fiddling with the hem of her jumper. “Well, I still want to say you’re my…parents. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that.”

“It will take some time.” Aziraphale agreed.

“But if it’s us talking to each other, I don’t know if I want to outright call you my dad.” She said, looking at Aziraphale. “N-not at first, at least, not right now. I know you’re nothing like my real…my biological father,” she corrected herself, because even though her father had been the one to help bring her into existence, she felt that Aziraphale and Crowley were her real parents. It was funny to think of it that way, but it wasn’t really a thought, it was a connection that her mind made. It didn’t have to be thought up, it was just there, “calling you ‘dad’ feels a bit…strange, even wrong. I just…can’t stop thinking about him.” She huffed. “It’s silly.”

“No,” Aziraphale said gently, “no it’s not silly at all. If that’s how you feel, then that’s how you feel. We want to make sure you’re comfortable no matter what. This is new for us too so we want to make sure we’re all on the same page.”

Alice took a breath in through her nose and let it out slowly before quietly saying, “I think I still want to call you two ‘Crowley and Aziraphale’. For right now. I don’t know what I’ll think in the future but…” She sighed, going quiet again.

“Of course my dear.” Aziraphale said, squeezing her hand again.

“But, erm,” Alice murmured, her eyes still on the ground, “I liked it when you called me your daughter.” She huffed again. “It’s strange. I don’t want to call you dad or mum but I want you to call me your daughter.”

“That’s okay.” Crowley assured. “This doesn’t have to be textbook. We don’t need everything to fit into boxes or put labels on anything. I mean, heck, this family is anything but normal. So whatever we want to call ourselves is fine. If you want to be our daughter, that’s fine. If you don’t want to call us ‘dad’ or ‘mum’ or ‘parent’ to our faces but say so on paper, that’s also fine. Whatever you want is fine with us.”

Alice let out another sigh as she stepped down from her seat and leaned into the both of them, putting her arms around them. “Thank you.” She whispered.

“Of course dear.” Aziraphale cooed. “Now, why don’t we unload the food, I’m getting quite hungry.”

They spent the rest of the night in contented ease, cuddled on the couch while they ate their takeout and watched the movie. For the first time in a long time, everything really felt right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are finally starting to get a little better for Alice. Aziraphale and Crowley are here to give her all the love she needs.  
> I hope things are going well for all of you, my lovely readers. Things on my end have been pretty good. I haven't had as much work as I usually do, so my anxiety is going a little nuts like "You're forgetting something" or if I'm not anxious my anxiety flares up about how I'm actually feeling good so something must be wrong that I'm forgetting about/overlooking. But I'm doing my best and I've got crafting and writing to keep me sane.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that chapter, kudos and comments are always appreciated and make me very happy as well as fueling my writing. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


End file.
